A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that  
he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should  
he do?  

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,  
and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-  
cooked meal?"  

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later,  
the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day  
to see how things had gone.  

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on  
washing the dishes."  

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's  
a wonderful gesture."  

"We hadn't started eating yet." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A telephone repairman was working late in a big office  
building and became lost.  

After a long search of the rambling first floor to find an  
exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.  

"Excuse me, can you tell me how do I get outside?" he asked.  

"Dial 9," she replied.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him  
the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If  
you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing  
to your sister." --Conan O'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I guess Britney and Kevin Federline have agreed to a temp-  
orary child custody arrangement. Turns out Britney's nanny  
gets the kids during the week, and Kevin's ex-girlfriend  
gets them on the weekends." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Welcome to New York City, the city you can smell. There was  
this horrible smell in New York City today. I was afraid  
that they would think the Ed Sullivan Theater was the source  
of the horrible smell. The smell was so bad, the Statue of  
Liberty, instead of holding the torch – holding her nose.  
But they found the source of the weird stench – it was coming  
from Hello Deli's stuffed cabbage." --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had  
just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had  
just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen  
asked to use the bathroom.  

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly  
scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a  
quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."  

"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally  
the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.  

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who  
has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy  
you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day  
throughout this war."  

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's  
working for the Germans!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
S.O.B.
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record  
at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at  
one notation.  

"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize  
I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I  
didn't offend anyone."  

He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in  
question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise
Special -- $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the
$99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner
tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he
pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside,
lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied
to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the
first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde
asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Man
The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.  Tom
had lost his wife a year or so  before and rumour had it that he was
marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.'   Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom
if the rumour was true.  Tom assured him that it was.  The banker then asked
Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was.  Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty
one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man.
Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course.  Tom thought this was a
good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker fan into Tom in town again.  "How's the
new wife??" asked the banker.  Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."  The
banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the
hired hand."

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Porsche

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began
to fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents?
"We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to panic and asked.
"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy.
"I don't know her name; they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a
Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right
up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run
off to Hawaii with his secretary.

The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.

He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded.
He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.

So I did."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their  
passwords by writing them on sticky notes.  

One day I noticed their password was "BatmanSupermanRobinJoker".  
And so I asked why it was so long.  
  
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least  
four characters."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment  
and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking  
at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.  

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"  

"Yes."  

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"  

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops  
the club and puts his hands on his head.  

"How many times did you hit her?"  

"I don't know.  Five...six ...put me down for a five."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet
shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a police officer walked in and
said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey,
please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the
side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with
a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying,
"That'll be $1,000."
The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and
said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of
them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost
so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an
expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a
month, and is certified in small unit tactics -- well
worth the money!"
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What
does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol
monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic
firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical
training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques,
and it can even type. All the really useful stuff," said
the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a
third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag
around its neck read $70,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more
than all the others put together! What on earth does it
do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen
it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A professor was conducting a class in decision making. In his first
drill, he picked a student from Georgia. "Now son," he said, "I want you to
tell me the decision you'd make in this situation. You're driving a fully-loaded
truck down a mountain road at seventy miles an hour. Just as you get close to
an oncoming truck, two cars pull out from behind him to pass. You hit the brakes
and your brakes go out. On your right side is a five-hundred foot cliff; on your
left side in a one-thousand foot precipice. Now, son, you have three second.
What would you do?"  "Well," the boy drawled, "I reckon I'd wake up Leroy."
"Leroy!" the professor exclaimed. "Who's Leroy?" "Leroy's my relief driver, sir.
You see, he's from a small country town and I'd want to wake him up
 'cause he ain't never seen an accident like this before."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"With regard to Dracula's castle being for sale: I wouldn't  
buy this castle, even if I had $73 million. Castle every 20  
feet in Scotland. Castles inside other castles. They were  
the Starbucks of the Dark Ages." --Criag Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old  
woman was out for a walk in the country when she was  
attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd  
because usually British food attacks you after you eat it."  
 --Conan O'Brien  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing
a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and
stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this
...I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do
you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.  It turns out her
weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here
I was tall and slender!  Now I'm short and fat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple were admiring their garden from the kitchen window.  The wife
said:'Sooner or later, you're going to have to make a proper scarecrow to
keep the birds off the flower beds.'
'What's wrong with the one we've got?' asked the husband.
'Nothing.  But mother's arms are getting tired.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

**** HEALTH NEWS ****
  "Bad" LDL cholesterol may benefit elderly  

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - LDL cholesterol is known as the  
"bad" cholesterol, because high levels are linked to heart  
disease, but low levels may not be good for the elderly. A  
new study of older men and women shows that higher LDL  
cholesterol levels are associated with decreasing mortality  
risk in women. For both men and women, the risk of fatal  
heart failure decreases with higher LDL cholesterol levels.  

The findings "add to the uncertainty of the role of elevated  
levels of LDL cholesterol as a risk factor for mortality in  
old people," according to the researchers who conducted the  
study.  

Dr. Valerie Tikhonoff of the University of Padua, Italy, and  
colleagues conducted a population-based study of 3120 sub-  
jects age 65 years or older, who were followed for up to 12  
years.  

Tikhonoff''s group reports in the Journal of the American  
Geriatric Society that the likelihood of dying during the  
follow-up period "was curvilinear ... decreasing nonlinearly  
with LDL cholesterol."  

The total mortality risk in relation to LDL level was J-  
shaped in men, meaning that the risk increased as LDL  
cholesterol levels fell below a mid range -- although the  
risk increased with high levels of LDL.  

Similarly, there was a J-shaped relationship to the risk of  
dying from cardiovascular causes for both sexes, and for the  
risk of having a fatal heart attack among men.  

"The key finding of this study was that, in older subjects  
with a low use of lipid-lowering drugs representative of  
the general Italian population, serum LDL cholesterol  
behaved as a multifaceted and predominantly nonlinear  
predictor of cardiovascular and all-cause mortality,"  
Tikhonoff and colleagues conclude.  

They add that results of lipid-lowering drug trials should  
be interpreted with caution in unselected elderly patients,  
because these findings contradict the usual association of  
high LDL cholesterol with mortality risk seen in younger  
patients.   

Laser sheds light on stroke patients  

SAN DIEGO, -- A technique that creates and images blood  
clots in the brain may help researchers understand the  
small strokes implicated in many forms of dementia.  
University of California, San Diego researchers used a  
laser to trigger the formation of individual blood clots  
in tiny arteries of the brains of anesthetized rats to  
monitor the resulting changes in blood flow. They say  
their study provides a way to understand small strokes  
common in elderly humans. These strokes often cause no  
immediate symptoms, but they are thought to contribute  
to dementia and may ultimately cause larger strokes.  
The study is published in the online edition of the  
journal Public Library of Science Biology. In the study,  
the team members used tightly focused laser light to  
excite a dye that they had injected into the bloodstream.  
The excited dye reacted with oxygen to form a free  
radical, which "nicked" the cells lining the blood vessel  
at the target location, and triggered the natural blood  
clotting cascade.   

Fatty liver predicts heart disease in diabetics  
  
NEW YORK - The risk of cardiovascular disease is  
"moderately increased" in type 2 diabetics with  
nonalcoholic fatty liver disease, according to  
Italian researchers. Dr. Giovanni Targher and col-  
leagues at Sacro Cuore Hospital of Negrar in Verona  
studied 2,103 people with type 2 diabetes, who were  
free of cardiovascular disease at the start of the  
study.  

During a 5-year follow-up period, 248 subjects developed  
nonfatal coronary heart disease -- defined as having a  
nonfatal heart attack or needing heart bypass or angio-  
plasty -- or suffered a stroke, or died of cardiovascular  
causes. These subjects were compared with 496 "controls"  
who remained free of heart disease.  

The team reports in the medical journal Diabetes, that  
individuals with fatty liver disease (that wasn't  
attributable to alcohol abuse) had an 84 percent high  
likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease.  

The investigators conclude that "the casual detection of  
nonalcoholic liver disease on an ultrasound" in type 2  
diabetics should alert doctors "to the coexistence of  
multiple underlying cardiovascular risk factors warrant-  
ing evaluation and treatment as much as the risk for  
advancing liver disease."  


*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****