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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A. ![]() Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY JANUARY 16,2007 Shortly
after arriving in Germany on a military posting, my wife, two young sons and I
were at a restaurant in Karlsruhe. Our older son, Steve, excused himself to make
a trip to the washroom. I was satisfied that he knew the difference between
"HERREN" for gentlemen and "DAMEN" for ladies. Whispering, she advised,
"You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what
you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in
motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained,
"Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did,
but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at
motels." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Meatloaf Dinner" A recent bride called her
mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make
Grandmother's meatloaf for dinner tonight and it's just awful! I followed the
recipe exactly and I know I have the recipe right, because it's the one you gave
me. But, it just didn't come out right and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so
special for George, because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong"?
Her mother replied
soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and
tell me exactly what you did at each step and together we'll figure it out."
"Okay," the bride
sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground
beef.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For anyone who has ever gone to Catholic School you can relate to this. Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. 3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake." 8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!" 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. ! My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on. "It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic." "But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man. The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working." "Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!" &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
**** Reader's Submissions
**** Cheering Me
On I close my eyes as tight as they can go.
The lights go off, and my imagination switches
on. Pictures flash through my mind like an old film from the fifties.
I remember driving home by myself for the first
time. Now, I look into the future and imagine that I am walking across the stage
to receive my college diploma. The years pass, and I hear my fianc ? say "I do."
I look further and listen to the gentle gurgles coming from my baby's nursery. A
smile discreetly appears as memories past and thoughts of the future travel
through my soul. I journey to memories of my high school
graduation, and a tear suddenly trickles down my cheek. I look into the
bleachers packed with families and friends. I see my parents wrapped in pride,
and I look to their side for Katie and Kevin's approval. But Katie, my older
sister, is not there. My eyes abruptly open as I am snapped back into
reality. I remember being called out of Spanish class in tenth grade and taken
to the hospital to see Katie, who had cancer, for the final time. It was an
excruciating task, but I found the good in Katie's tragic death.
Katie's room is exactly the way she left it on a
Friday night in September, 1993, when she was carried to the ambulance on a
stretcher. Her James Dean poster hangs on one wall; her elementary school track
ribbons and collection of porcelain masks hangs on the others. Her bed is neatly
made and lined with stuffed animals -- typical of a girl who would visit her
sloppier friends and, without prompting, start vacuuming their rooms.
Katie died
just a few weeks into her freshman year at the More importantly, though, she was my best
friend. After all, when she was six years old, she had declared herself old
enough to take care of her little sister and brand new baby brother, because she
thought our mother was not sharing us enough with her. This caring attitude
continued throughout her life. Katie would always braid my hair, go shopping
with me, and let me go out with her and her friends when I was lonely and bored.
Katie would always tutor Kevin, who has a learning disability, when he needed
help with his homework. She would continually drill him on his studies until he
got it right. Afterwards, she would take him to go get ice cream as a reward.
Clearly, Katie was not just our older sister. She was also our teacher, friend,
and second mother. Katie always surrounded herself with friends.
She was constantly opening her ears, heart, and arms to someone in need. The
phone was constantly ringing and her room was always crowded with people in it.
Now, my house is silent. I realize that getting caught in a pool of
depression only leads to drowning. I live by looking for the positive in the
worst situations. I now have a relationship with my parents and brother that
means everything to me. I know what is important in life, and it is not always
partying and getting A's. But most of all, I know that I can handle anything.
Life is not easy, but I overcame one of its toughest obstacles.
I believe, the hardest part of death is the
experiences it steals. Katie will not be clapping for me when I finally get my
college diploma or giving me advice on my wedding day. My children will only
hear stories of the girlhood of their aunt, both stories of reality and an
imagined future. I close my eyes as tight as they can go.
A diploma is placed in my hand. "I do" echoes
from a distance. Katie says she loves me and hugs me tight on a September
afternoon in 1993. Just before I cross my high school auditorium stage, I look
out at the spectators in the bleachers, and I see mother and father and Kevin.
Katie is
sitting right beside them, cheering me
on. **** ON THIS DAY ****
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -16- Roy Lanham "Sons Of The Pioneers," born Corbin, KY 1923. Mac Curtis born Fort Worth, TX 1939. Ronnie Milsap born Robbinsville, NC 1943. James Wayne "Jim" Stafford born Eloise, FL 1944. James Sanford "Sandy" Pinkard Jr. "Pinkard & Bowden," born Abbeville, LA 1947. Little Jimmy Dickens began his recording career at Columbia Records 1949. Corky Owens steel guitarist, born 1959. Buck Owens recorded "Loose Talk/Mental Cruelty" with Rose Maddox 1961. Jan Howard and Bill Anderson's duet "For Loving You," topped the charts 1968. Merle Haggard recorded "If We Make It Through December" 1973. John and Doug Brown arrested for the murder of Stringbean, and wife Estelle 1974. Alabama's #1 single "Love In The First Degree" debuted on Billboards Top 40 Chart 1982. Tanya Tucker's "It's a Little Too Late" charted 1993. Steve Wariner requested his release from Arista Records 1998. Arista complied. Tammy Wynette's widower, record producer George Richey, married Sheila Slaughter in College Grove, TN 2001. The 34-year-old bride is a former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Bloodshot Records released Johnny Bonds' "Country & Western" in 2001. Emil Hofner, age 83, steel guitarist, died from a stroke 2002. Shania Twain's "Greatest Hits" album topped the charts 2005.
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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