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Subject: The Daily Funnies - January16, 2007



From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


TUESDAY JANUARY 16,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:One thing about children, they never bore you with pictures of their parents.

 


Shortly after arriving in Germany on a military posting, my wife, two young sons and I were at a restaurant in Karlsruhe. Our older son, Steve, excused himself to make a trip to the washroom. I was satisfied that he knew the difference between "HERREN" for gentlemen and "DAMEN" for ladies.

My wife and I were talking and didn't notice seven-year-old Martin slip away. A few minutes later, Steve rushed back to tell us his brother had gone into the ladies' washroom. When Martin returned, he insisted he had used the proper washroom. I asked him what was written on the door. "Da men," he confidently replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because of the icy road conditions, I couldn't prevent hitting a parked car. While the owner and I exchanged information, another car smashed into mine. We eventually called the police. When the patrol car drove up with its lights flashing, we all watched in disbelief as it careened into the third vehicle. The officer rolled down his window, smiled and said, "I guess I know what happened here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Show and Tell"
 
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside.

Whispering, she advised,
 
"You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
 
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
 
When I asked why, the teacher explained,
 
"Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did,
but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Meatloaf Dinner"
 
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
 
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meatloaf for dinner tonight and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly and I know I have the recipe right, because it's the one you gave me. But, it just didn't come out right and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George, because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong"?
 
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step and together we'll figure it out."
 
"Okay," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For anyone who has ever gone to Catholic School  you can relate to
this.

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In
short, everything they could think of to help his math.

  Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled
him in the local Catholic school.

  After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look

on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went 
straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread
out all
over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

  His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock,
the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and
in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

  This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.

  Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid
it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

  With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great 
surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold
her
curiosity.

  She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?

  Was it the nuns?"

  Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

  "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY"

  Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
fooling around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
           1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
                  little beverage, good food and companionship.
                      She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

                      2. We also sleep in separate beds.
                   Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

                      3. I take my wife everywhere.....
                       but she keeps finding her way back.

              4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
             anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
                                    she said.
                           So I suggested the kitchen.

                           5. We always hold hands.
                             If I let go, she shops.

        6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
                                  bread maker.
                She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
               to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

            7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
                       there was water in the carburetor.
              I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

             8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
                              Then the mud fell off.

          9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
              for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

          10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

               11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
                              first name was Always.

                12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
                          I don't like to interrupt her.

                   13. The last fight was my fault though.
                       ! My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
                                  I said "Dust!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up
for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It
looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped
lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a
very affordable price.
"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't
figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up
with so few people to practice on.
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic,"
replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around
here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.
My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening
and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a
huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and
boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this
land," said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra
bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the
store, whatever, right after they get back from their
vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and
they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of
them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite
them to stop around to my office for some of my old
fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add
up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.
A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment
on how much better they're looking, so that they feel
like the tonic is working."
"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete
physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright.
I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way
I get my bottles back!" 
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**** HEALTH NEWS ****
  
Anti-AIDS drug safe for moms, babies  

BOSTON, -- An anti-AIDS drug that protects unborn children  
is safe for infected mothers who wait to undergo anti-retro-  
viral treatment, a U.S. study found. The results are good  
news for poor women in Africa, Asia and Latin America who  
must take the anti-AIDS drug nevirapine, an inexpensive  
drug that often prevents transmission of HIV from mother to  
child, The New York Times said. The study, published Thurs-  
day in The New England Journal of Medicine, found the  
nevirapine drug cocktail was effective if women delayed it  
for six months after taking the protective dose. Doctors  
were concerned that the cocktail would be ineffective  
because nevirapine can remain in the mother's blood for up  
to three weeks, encouraging growth of nevirapine-resistant  
strains if the mother has AIDS. Harvard researchers in  
Botswana said health clinic workers dispensed single-dose  
nevirapine in two forms: a pill for the mother to take  
when labor begins and a syringe of liquid nevirapine to  
squirt into the baby's mouth after delivery. "There was  
real concern that single-dose nevirapine was blowing the  
use of that whole class of drugs," said Catherine Hankins,  
chief scientific adviser for the U.N. AIDS agency.   

Sexual activity can spread virulent staph  

NEW YORK, -- A drug-resistant, virulent form of staph can  
be transmitted by sexual activity, a method U.S. research-  
ers said was previously unrecognized. Scientists at  
Columbia University Medical Center identified three cases  
when sexual activity spread the bacteria known as community-  
associated MRSA, USA Today said. The report is the first to  
document MRSA transmission through heterosexual activity.  
MRSA once occurred primarily in hospitalized patients, how-  
ever a new strain emerged that causes persistent skin in-  
fections in young, healthy people who have not been hos-  
pitalized. In the new study, reported in the Feb. 1 edition  
of Clinical Infectious Diseases, researchers studied 114  
households in Manhattan where MRSA infections were identi-  
fied, finding three in which the bacteria was spread by  
sexual activity. Researcher and lead author Frank Lowy  
said the study indicated that people should refrain from  
sex if they have open lesions. "They have to be alert to  
the fact there's a new bug in town," Lowy said, "and one  
potential means of transmission is sexual activity." Since  
MRSA is transmitted by skin-to-skin contact, Rachel Gorwitz  
of the national Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta said  
"it's not surprising it could be transmitted during sex."   

Cholesterol drug counters rare condition  

PHILADELPHIA, -- A small study may offer great hope to  
people with lethal cholesterol levels that could cause  
heart attacks, University of Pennsylvania scientists  
said. The researchers found the experimental drug reduced  
blood cholesterol levels by 51 percent in six patients  
with a rare, inherited condition resulting in a lethal  
cholesterol buildup, USA Today said. Familial hyper-  
cholesterolemia affects about 300 people in the United  
States. Patients have LDL, or "bad", cholesterol levels  
of 400 to 600 milligrams per deciliter of blood, well  
above the 130 level recommended for healthy people. Low-  
ering LDL levels by half could add years of life for  
patients, who can have heart attacks in their teens and  
20s, said lead author Daniel Rader. The drug works by  
blockading blood fats in the liver. The only comparable  
treatment is a dialysis that filters damaging fats from  
blood. But it causes fat to accumulate in the liver,  
where it could cause inflammation, scarring and cirrhosis,  
Radar said. Two patients developed traces of fatty liver;  
two others' liver fat content rose by 30 percent. Larger  
studies must be conducted to determine the problem's scope,  
Rader says. The findings were reported in the New England  
Journal of Medicine.
   

**** Reader's Submissions ****

Cheering Me On

I close my eyes as tight as they can go.

The lights go off, and my imagination switches on. Pictures flash through my mind like an old film from the fifties.

I remember driving home by myself for the first time. Now, I look into the future and imagine that I am walking across the stage to receive my college diploma. The years pass, and I hear my fianc ? say "I do." I look further and listen to the gentle gurgles coming from my baby's nursery. A smile discreetly appears as memories past and thoughts of the future travel through my soul.

I journey to memories of my high school graduation, and a tear suddenly trickles down my cheek. I look into the bleachers packed with families and friends. I see my parents wrapped in pride, and I look to their side for Katie and Kevin's approval. But Katie, my older sister, is not there.

My eyes abruptly open as I am snapped back into reality. I remember being called out of Spanish class in tenth grade and taken to the hospital to see Katie, who had cancer, for the final time. It was an excruciating task, but I found the good in Katie's tragic death.

Katie's room is exactly the way she left it on a Friday night in September, 1993, when she was carried to the ambulance on a stretcher. Her James Dean poster hangs on one wall; her elementary school track ribbons and collection of porcelain masks hangs on the others. Her bed is neatly made and lined with stuffed animals -- typical of a girl who would visit her sloppier friends and, without prompting, start vacuuming their rooms.

Katie died just a few weeks into her freshman year at the University of Miami. At eighteen she was 5'5'' tall and had straight shoulder length blond hair, big blue eyes, and pale clear skin. Her senior year in high school, Katie was the varsity cheerleader captain and valedictorian.

More importantly, though, she was my best friend. After all, when she was six years old, she had declared herself old enough to take care of her little sister and brand new baby brother, because she thought our mother was not sharing us enough with her. This caring attitude continued throughout her life. Katie would always braid my hair, go shopping with me, and let me go out with her and her friends when I was lonely and bored. Katie would always tutor Kevin, who has a learning disability, when he needed help with his homework. She would continually drill him on his studies until he got it right. Afterwards, she would take him to go get ice cream as a reward. Clearly, Katie was not just our older sister. She was also our teacher, friend, and second mother.

Katie always surrounded herself with friends. She was constantly opening her ears, heart, and arms to someone in need. The phone was constantly ringing and her room was always crowded with people in it. Now, my house is silent.

I realize that getting caught in a pool of depression only leads to drowning. I live by looking for the positive in the worst situations. I now have a relationship with my parents and brother that means everything to me. I know what is important in life, and it is not always partying and getting A's. But most of all, I know that I can handle anything. Life is not easy, but I overcame one of its toughest obstacles.

I believe, the hardest part of death is the experiences it steals. Katie will not be clapping for me when I finally get my college diploma or giving me advice on my wedding day. My children will only hear stories of the girlhood of their aunt, both stories of reality and an imagined future.

I close my eyes as tight as they can go.

A diploma is placed in my hand. "I do" echoes from a distance. Katie says she loves me and hugs me tight on a September afternoon in 1993. Just before I cross my high school auditorium stage, I look out at the spectators in the bleachers, and I see mother and father and Kevin.

Katie is sitting right beside them, cheering me on.

**** ON THIS DAY ****


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-16-

Roy Lanham "Sons Of The Pioneers," born Corbin, KY 1923.

Mac Curtis born Fort Worth, TX 1939.

Ronnie Milsap born Robbinsville, NC 1943.

James Wayne "Jim" Stafford born Eloise, FL 1944.

James Sanford "Sandy" Pinkard Jr. "Pinkard & Bowden," born Abbeville, LA 1947.

Little Jimmy Dickens began his recording career at Columbia Records 1949.

Corky Owens steel guitarist, born 1959.

Buck Owens recorded "Loose Talk/Mental Cruelty" with Rose Maddox 1961.

Jan Howard and Bill Anderson's duet "For Loving You," topped the charts 1968.

Merle Haggard recorded "If We Make It Through December" 1973.

John and Doug Brown arrested for the murder of Stringbean, and wife Estelle 1974.

Alabama's #1 single "Love In The First Degree" debuted on Billboards Top 40 Chart 1982.

Tanya Tucker's "It's a Little Too Late" charted 1993.

Steve Wariner requested his release from Arista Records 1998. Arista complied.

Tammy Wynette's widower, record producer George Richey, married Sheila Slaughter in College Grove, TN 2001. The 34-year-old bride is a former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

Bloodshot Records released Johnny Bonds' "Country & Western" in 2001.

Emil Hofner, age 83, steel guitarist, died from a stroke 2002.

Shania Twain's "Greatest Hits" album topped the charts 2005.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Country Wins Big at People's Choice Awards  

Kenny Chesney, Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts all  
won People's Choice awards on Tuesday night in Los  
Angeles. Chesney and Underwood won awards in the all-  
genre categories of male singer and female singer.  
Underwood's "Before He Cheats" won in the country song  
category. Rascal Flatts' "Life Is a Highway" took awards  
in the categories of song from a movie and remake. In  
addition, Bon Jovi's "You Can't Go Home Again" earned  
rock song honors. Other music winners included  
Nickelback, Justin Timberlake, Eminem and Shakira.   
 


      Carrie Underwood's Album Is Quintuple Platinum  

Some Hearts, Carrie Underwood's debut album, has been cer-  
tified quintuple platinum by the RIAA for shipments of 5  
million copies. In making the announcement Wednesday  
officials at 19 Recordings/Arista Nashville said the accom-  
plishment has earned Underwood the fastest quintuple-  
platinum certification ever for a debut album by a female  
country artist. Released Nov. 15, 2005, Some Hearts has  
spent a total of 20 weeks at the top of Billboard's  
country albums chart. "Wasted," the album's opening track,  
is Underwood's next single.


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Slow Cooker Hot Fudge Brownies

1 Reynolds® Slow Cooker Liner
1 package (about 20 oz.) brownie mix
1 cup chocolate syrup
1 cup hot water
OPEN slow cooker liner and place it inside a 5- to 6 1/2 -quart slow
cooker bowl. Fit liner snugly against the bottom and sides of bowl; pull
top of liner over rim of bowl.
PREPARE brownie mix according to package directions for cake-like
brownies. Spread batter evenly in the lined-slow cooker bowl. Mix
chocolate syrup and hot water; pour syrup mixture evenly over brownie
batter. Place lid on slow cooker.
COOK on HIGH for 2 1/2 to 3 hours or until brownie edges are set.
CAREFULLY remove lid to allow steam to escape. Center may appear moist
but wooden pick inserted near center should be clean. Let stand 30
minutes, uncovered, for center to set completely. Serve brownies with
plastic or wooden spoon directly from slow cooker. Do not lift or
transport liner with food inside. Cool slow cooker completely; remove
liner and toss.

REYNOLDS KITCHENS TIP:
Hot Fudge Brownies are delicious topped with ice cream and drizzled with
sauce.
Number of Servings: 12


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****


Why is the Dalmatian the official mascot of fire fighters?

Dalmatians have been associated with fire departments for many years. Why? Many years ago, Dalmatians were used to chase rats out of the fire stations and horse stables of London. The dogs also guided the horse-pulled fire wagons through city streets. Apparently, the tradition endured even after the horse-drawn fire trucks were replaced with more modern fire engines.

These hard-working dogs were trained to escort the fire engine to protect the horses from stray dogs and other animals. The distinctive spots of the Dalmatian made it easy for the horses to distinguish from other dogs.

Dalmatians had a "natural calming effect on horses." The dogs escorted the horse-drawn carriage in order to quiet the horses. Once on the scene, however, the dog had other duties as well, including safeguarding the fire equipment from vandalism and theft.

So it appears that Dalmatians have a variety of admirable traits that have endeared them to firefighters and secured them a permanent position in fire-house history.



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Retirement that is the marvelous time of life when the sun rises and you don't.


LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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AMERICA
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