|
From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome
to The Funnies
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can
repair almost anything.
Welcome New
Subscribers
If you don't have a
sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at
all
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get
older
than it is to get wiser
WEDNESDAY JANUARY
17,2007
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: It isn't
what you have in your pocket
that makes you thankful, but what you have in
your heart.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"According to a
recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is
the most dangerous
time for law enforcement officers. Second
most dangerous time:
day." --Jimmy Fallon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Have you heard about this?
The Glidden paint company is now
selling a line of paints called
"team colors" – you can now
paint your house the colors of your
favorite football team.
This is a smart move for guys. This way
your wife won't want
the house in the divorce." --Jay
Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5
toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking
about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look
fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so
difficult is that each one is
guaranteed to explode into a major
argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public
service, each question is analyzed below,
along with possible
responses.
Question # 1:
What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of
course, is: "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and
how lucky I am to have met
you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the
true
answer, which most likely is one of the
following:
a. Baseball.
b.
Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much
prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance
money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this
question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I
wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to
you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The
proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses
include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make
you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean
by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who,
me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The
correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the
incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen
fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
about
how I would spend the insurance money if you
died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than
me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course
not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a.
Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but
definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her
age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the
question? I was just thinking about
how I would spend the
insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do
if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ragged individual
stranded for months on a small desert
island in the middle of
the Pacific one day noticed a bottle
lying in the sand with a
piece of paper in it. Rushing to
the bottle, he pulled out the
cork and with shaking hands
withdrew the message. "Due to lack
of activity," he read,
"we have regretfully found it necessary
to cancel your e-mail
account."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Britain has announced plans to
send the first British
citizen to the moon. They've already
chosen the astronaut,
now they have to figure out how to
dehydrate meat pudding."
--Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"U.S. officials have now
approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no
veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a
little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a
pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?"
--Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How
about this? On this very day in 1861, the first
elevator was
introduced here in New York City. First
elevator ever in New
York City, or, as we call them now,
restrooms. And it took them
ten more years to develop
the 'ding.'" --Dave
Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was shocked,
confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's
door, Not by the
beauty of it all, by the lights or its
decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and
gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics,
the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who
swiped my lunch
money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who
never said
anything nice.
Herb, who I always
thought was rotting away in hell, was
sitting pretty on cloud
nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the angel, "What's
the deal? I would love to hear
your take. How'd all these
sinners get up here? God must've
made a mistake.
And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one
thought
they'd see
you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the
end of the college year, a star football player
celebrated the
relaxation of team curfew by attending a
late night campus
party. Soon after arriving, he became
captivated by a beautiful
young thing and eased into a
conversation with her by asking if
she met many dates at
parties.
"Oh, I have a
3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types
than to dumb party animals," she said.
"What's your
G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get
about
27 in the city and 38 on the
highway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
couple drove several miles down a country road, not
saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an
argument, and neither wanted to concede
their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the
wife
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband
replied, "In-laws."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ever notice that people who
spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling
well?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man who shoveled snow for
an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with
his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot
her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting
there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and
asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's
swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter
is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor
that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by
having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!
Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention
ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East,
and three wise men came. And I was just
checking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland
lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around,
submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence,
sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The
driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the
curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments
everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do
that again.
You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also
frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really
not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab. I have been
driving a hearse for the last 25
years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jerry
Springer today declined nomination
as senatorial candidate for the Libertine
Freedom Party.
He denied that health issues motivated his decision.
In a
speech before the party caucus, Springer
said he "cannot allow myself to
enter politics.
It's just too sleezy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An
Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that
the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He
figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober
him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his
face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through
the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed
he tries one more time to
stand up. This time he falls right into bed
and is sound asleep.
He
awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. 'So,
you've been out drinking again!!'
'How did you know?' he asks.
'The pub
called, you left your wheelchair there
again.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I met while we were
serving in the Peace Corps.
By the time we left the service, we were
expecting our first child.
Strangely, pregnancy and childbirth are covered
under "workman's comp."
Filling out the forms proved to be a challenge with
questions like
"Describe in detail how and where this accident occurred,"
"What could have
been done to prevent this accident?" and our favorite:
"What will you do in the future"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As he was drilling
a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of
them was marching out of
step. Walking up next to the man as they
marched, he said sarcastically: "Do
you know they are all out of
step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit
innocently. "I said --
they are all out of step except you!" thundered the
sergeant. The
recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell
them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On my first day of classes at Ballstate
U. in Muncie Indiana,
I took a front row seat in my literature
course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading
five
books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from
which
we could choose.
The he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class
book and
began,.......
Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter,
Cook........
I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I
felt a
tap on my shoulder.
The student in back of me
whispered,
"He's taking
attendance"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A women's lib
speaker was addressing a large group and said,
"Where would man be today if
it were not for woman?" She paused
a moment and looked around the
room.
"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for
woman?"
From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden
of
Eden eating strawberries."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flying to Los Angeles
from San Francisco the other day, a passenger
noticed that the "Fasten Seat
Belts" sign was kept lit during the
whole journey although the flight was a
particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess
about it.
"Well," explained the girl, "up front there are 17 University
of
California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In
back,
there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you
do?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman
on a holiday trip stood in awe in front of an enormous tree.
"Oh, marvelous
and ancient oak," she enthused, "if you could only
speak, what would you want
to say to me?"
A woman standing nearby commented, "It probably would
say,
"Pardon me, madam, I am an
elm."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems that an elephant got too
close to all the baby ducks
the circus had brought in for Easter, and
accidentally inhaled a
bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on
them and no one
could help.
Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the
elephant blew out a
whole trunkful of downy feathers.
Yep!
That's what he gets for snorting
quack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"British scientists are now
seeking permission to fuse human
cells with rabbit eggs. Their
goal is to create a human with
a lucky foot." --Jay
Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best illustration
of the value of brief speech reckoned
in dollars was given by
Mark Twain.
His story was that when he had listened for five
minutes to
the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was
going
to contribute fifty dollars... after ten minutes more
of
the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective
con-
tribution to twenty-five dollars... after half an hour
more
of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.
At the end of an hour or oratory when the plate was passed,
he stole two
dollars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The bear
population in the state of New Jersey has sky-
rocketed. The
rise in the population has caused over 500
complaints. Not
surprisingly all the complaints have come
from the bears."
--Conan O'Brien
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** HEALTH NEWS
****
Second genetic risk for Alzheimer's
found
TORONTO, -- People with a variant of a
specific gene have
a slightly elevated rise of late-onset
Alzheimer's disease,
Canadian and U.S. researchers said. If
additional studies
confirm the findings, the SORL1 gene would be
the second
genetic risk factor for this disease, usually
diagnosed
after age 65, researchers said in the February issue
of
Nature Genetics. The key event in Alzheimer's disease
is
the generation of A-beta peptide from a protein
called
amyloid precursor protein (APP), researchers said. The
A-
beta peptide is thought to trigger the
neuro-degeneration
that characterizes the disease. University of
Toronto
scientist Peter St. George-Hyslop and colleagues from
U.S.
universities and medical institutions looked for
variants
in genes encoding several APP-processing proteins for
the
potential link. The team identified two clusters
of
variants in SORL1 that were significantly higher
in
patients with the disease. The team said it showed
that
reducing the level of SORL1 in cultured cells
promoted
production of A-beta peptide, suggesting a potential
link
of SORL1 variants increasing neuro-degeneration risk.
The
team said it also found preliminary evidence
that
Alzheimer's patients tend to have lower levels of
SORL1
in their blood
cells.
New eggs crucial to
make drugs
EDINBURGH, Scotland, -- Scotland is
boasting the world's
first breed of chicken genetically altered
to lay eggs that
can be used to make life-saving drugs.
Researchers at the
Roslin Institute near Edinburgh said they
created a 500-
bird flock, offering the prospect of
mass-producing drugs
at a fraction of the annual per patient
cost currently paid
by the National Health Service, the Sunday
Times of London
said. Researchers added human genes to the DNA
of ISA Brown
hens, enabling them to produce complex proteins.
These human
proteins are secreted into the whites of the birds'
eggs,
from which they can be extracted to produce drugs.
Roslin
scientists achieved a world-first in creating birds
that
"breed true," meaning added human genes are passed
from
generation to generation, observers said. This opens
the
door for creating a potentially limitless,
inexpensive
source of medicinal proteins. "This is potentially a
very
powerful new way to produce specialized drugs," said
Dr
Karen Jervis of Viragen Scotland, a biotech company
work-
ing with Roslin. "We have bred five generations of
chickens
so far and they all keep producing high concentrations
of
pharmaceuticals." The research appears in the
Proceedings
of the National Academy of
Sciences.
Scientists identify early signs of
meningitis
LONDON - British scientists said
on Wednesday they have
identified early signs of meningitis that
could improve
detection of the disease and save lives. Leg pain,
cold
hands and feet and abnormal skin colour develop
within
12 hours after infection -- long before the more
classic
signs of the illness such as a rash, headache, stiff
neck,
sensitivity to light and impaired
consciousness.
"Doctors and parents could be able to
identify children
with this potentially fatal infection at an
earlier stage
and before they get very unwell," said Dr. Matthew
Thompson
of the University of Oxford in England.
Meningitis is an infection and inflammation of the meningis,
the lining that surrounds the brain and spinal cord. It can
be caused by bacteria, viruses or fungi. While viral
meningitis is the most common, bacterial meningitis is
usually the most serious.
The infectious agents are
spread from person to person by
sneezing, coughing, kissing and
living in close quarters
such as dormitories and military
barracks.
Patients with bacterial meningitis are treated
with anti-
biotics. The disease can cause brain damage, hearing
loss
and learning disability. "If children are picked
up
(diagnosed) earlier in the course of their illness
they
should do better because they will be referred to
hospital
more quickly," Thompson said.
**** Reader's Submissions
****
God’s
Garden
Why do I always have to be the one that starts to do laundry
and there's no detergent?
I guess it was time for me to do my "Dollar Store"
run, which included Light bulbs, trash bags and Clorox. So off I go.
I
scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies, and headed for the checkout
counter only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man that appeared to
be about Sixteen-years-old.
I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently
waited for the boy to realize that I was there.
This was when he waved his
hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over here."
It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged, and also startled as
He
turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by.
His eyes
widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said,
"Hey Buddy, what's your
name?"
"My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded
proudly.
"Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but
my name is Hal."
"Hal like Halloween?" he asked.
"Yes," I answered. "How
old are you Denny?
"How old am I now Mommy?"
He asked his mother as she
slowly came over from the next aisle.
"You're fifteen-years-old Denny.
Now be a good boy and let the man pass by."
I acknowledged her and
continued to talk to Denny
For several more minutes about summer, bicycles
and school.
I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement because,
He
was the center of someone's attention.
He then abruptly turned and headed
toward the toy section.
Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and
thanked me
For taking the time to talk with her son.
She told me that
most people wouldn't even look at him,
Much less talk to him.
I told
her that it was my pleasure and then I said something.
I have no idea where
it came from,
Other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit.
I told
her that.... There are plenty of red, yellow and pink roses
In God's garden,
however.... "Blue Roses" are very rare
And should be appreciated for their
beauty and distinctiveness.
You see, Denny is a "Blue Rose"
And if
someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart
And touch that
rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.
She
was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked,
"Who are
you?"
Without thinking I said,
"Oh, I'm probably just a "daffodil or
maybe even a dandelion,"
But I sure love living in God's
garden.
Pastor Hal Steenson
This real life story took place
July 12,
2006.
**** ON THIS DAY
****
From
Shirley:
A man from Norfolk, VA
called a local radio station to share this on Sept 11th, 2003. His name was
Robert Matthews.
These are his words: "A few weeks before Sept.
11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned
a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we
prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I
said 'amen,' we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. We had blown
out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her
flight. Both very upset, we drove home. I received a call from my father
who was retired NYFD. He asked what my wife's flight number was, but I explained
that we missed the flight. My father informed me that her flight was the one
that crashed into the southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My
father also had more news for me; he was going to help.
"This is not something I can just sit by for, I have to do
something." I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more
because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his
mind was made up.
Before he got off of the phone, he said,
"Take good care of my grandchild." Those were the last words I ever heard
my father say. He died while helping in the rescue effort.
My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered
quickly became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself. I had
gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would
never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got
to say good-bye.
Then something happened. About two months ago, I
was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door.
I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn't expecting anyone. I opened the
door to a couple with a small child. The man looked at me and asked if my
father's name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was.
He
quickly grabbed my hand and said, "I never got the chance to meet your father,
but it is an honor to meet his son."
He explained to me that his
wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the
attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained
that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her.
My
eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people
like this. He then said, "There is something else you need to know."
His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him
and lead him to Christ.
I began sobbing at the news. Now I know
that when I get to heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome
me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves.
When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew in
honor of the man who gave his life so mother and baby could live.
This story should help us to realize two things:
First - that though it has been three years since the attacks, we
should never let it become a mere tragic memory. And second - but most important
- God is always in control. We may not see the reason behind things, and we may
never know this side of heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control.
Please take time to share this amazing story with those you
love. You may never know the impact it may have on someone.
"To Let
Go"
To "let go" does not
mean to stop caring,
It means I can't do it for someone
else.
To "let go" is not
to cut myself off,
It's the realization I can't control
another.
To "let go" is not
to enable, but to allow
learning from natural
consequences.
To "let go" is to
admit powerlessness, which
means the outcome is not in my
hands.
To "let go" is not
to try to change or blame
another, it's to make the most of
myself.
To "let go" is not
care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not
to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not
to judge, but to allow another
to be a human
being.
To "let go" is not
to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to
affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not
to deny, but to accept.
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
This is a
link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
|
|
Stage 10 to Al
Attiyah |
|
BMW driver leads way in 227-mile
journey across African desert. |
|
|
|
|
|
Champ Car off to
Europe |
|
Open-wheel tour to add races in
Netherlands, Belgium for '07. |
|
|
|
|
|
Martin happy to wind
down |
|
Nextel Cup veteran adjusting to new
team, rare weekends off. |
|
|
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**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
-17-
Walter Bailes, of "The Bailes Brothers" born West Virginia,
1920.
Si Siman, producer/promoter/entertainment executive born
Springfield, MO 1921.
Thomas "Grady" Martin, session guitarist, born Marshall County,
TN 1929.
Bill and Charlie Monroe began their recording career for
Bluebird Records in 1936.
Steve Earle, singer/songwriter/actor, born Fort Monroe, VA
1955.
Blind Alfred Reed, age 75, singer/songwriter/recording artist,
died 1956.
Flatt & Scruggs recorded "Petticoat Junction" 1964.
Marty Robbins released "Private Wilson White/Count Me out" 1966.
CMT's favorite country singer "Kid Rock" born 1971.
Elvis Presley Boulevard opened in Memphis, TN 1972.
Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "I'll Still Be
Waiting For You" 1972.
Merle Haggard's "Roots Of My Raising" charted 1976.
Eddie Rabbitt's #1 single "I Love A Rainy Night" charted
1981.
Amanda Wilkinson of The Wilkinsons, born 1982.
Waylon recorded "Lucille" 1983.
Reba McEntire joined the Grand Ole Opry 1986.
Garth Brooks' first TV special aired on NBC, 1992.
Shania Twain's single "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under"
released 1995.
Cliffie Stone, age 80, died in his Los Angeles home 1998.
Inducted CMHF 1989.
Martina McBride's album "Martina" was certified platinum 2004.
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Grammy Hall
of Fame Honors Country Songs
A
number of classic country songs have been chosen as
inductees
into the Grammy Hall of Fame this year. The
honor recognizes a
song's achievements in history and
encompasses all genres.
George Jones' 1980 hit, "He
Stopped Loving Her Today," is the
most recently released
song. Other inductees in the country
category include
Uncle Dave Macon's "Keep My Skillet Good and
Greasy"
(1924), Charlie Poole's "Don't Let Your Deal Go
Down
Blues" (1925), DeFord Bailey's "Pan American
Blues"
(1927), Emmitt Miller & His Georgia Crackers'
"Lovesick
Blues" (1928), Jimmie Rodgers' "In the Jailhouse
Now"
(1928) and "Blue Yodel #9 (Standing on the
Corner)"
(1930), Patsy Montana & the Prairie Ramblers' "I
Want
to Be a Cowboy's Sweetheart" (1935), the Delmore
Brothers'
"Blues Stay Away From Me" (1949) and Dolly Parton's
"I
Will Always Love You" (1974). In addition, Wanted!
The
Outlaws, the 1976 album featuring Waylon Jennings,
Willie
Nelson, Jessi Colter and Tompall Glaser, will also
be
inducted into the Grammy Hall of
Fame.
Dixie
Chicks to Perform on Grammy Show
The Dixie Chicks
have been announced as performers at the
Grammy Awards show on
Feb. 11 in Los Angeles. Their single,
"Not Ready to Make Nice,"
is nominated for record of the
year, song of the year and
country performance by a duo or
group with vocal. Their album,
Taking the Long Way, is up
for album of the year among all
genres, as well as country
album of the year. The band has won
eight Grammys. Other
performers at the awards show include
Beyonce, Gnarls
Barkley and the Red Hot Chili
Peppers.
TAYLOR SWIFT FILMS LATEST
VIDEO WITH ACTOR TYLER HILTON!
Swift Films
Video For "Teardrops On My Guitar" With One of Hollywood's Hottest Young
Actors
Nashville, Tenn. (January 16, 2007) - Seventeen-year-old Taylor Swift
certainly isn't shedding any tears on her guitar these days! Following
the
breakout success of her debut single "Tim McGraw," Taylor is gearing up
for the release of her second single "Teardrops On My Guitar." She
recently
shot the video for the single at a local Nashville high school with none other
than One Tree Hill's Tyler Hilton. Hilton also starred
in Walk the Line as a
young Elvis Presley.
Always one to pour her heart into her music, Taylor did
just that with "Teardrops On My Guitar." The song echoes Taylor's longing for
one-time crush,
Drew, while putting on a smile when he's around his
girlfriend. Her enchanting vocals remind everyone what it was like to experience
unrequited love
as a teenager. "Teardrops On My Guitar" is slated for release
in mid-February.
"I used to have a huge crush on this guy, Drew, who would
sit there every day talking to me about another girl - how beautiful she was,
how nice and
smart and perfect she was," said Taylor. "I sat there and
listened and said 'Oh, I'm so happy for you.' I guess this is a good example of
how I let
my feelings out in songs, and sometimes no other way. I love this
song, because of its honesty and vulnerability. To this day, Drew and
his
girlfriend are still together and he has no idea about this
song."
Hilton, a fan of Taylor's music, was delighted when she came to him
with the idea to star in her next video. They became fast friends
after
meeting at her California show and decided to collaborate
artistically.
"I found out he was a fan of my music and he came to my
show," Taylor said. "I met him in the 'meet & greet' line and we become
friends. He came
onstage with me at the show and I asked him in front of the
crowd, 'Do you want to be in my video?' and he said, 'Yeah!'"
Taylor's
self-titled album debuted in the Number 3 spot on he Billboard Top Country
Albums chart based on the Top 5 success of "Tim McGraw."
The single recently
landed inside the Top 40 on the Billboard Hot 100 Chart, where she joins
platinum-plus superstars Rascal Flatts and Carrie
Underwood as one of the
only three country artists in the all-genre Top 40 listing.
Taylor is
currently on tour with music legend George Strait and will join Brad Paisley on
the road beginning in the spring. Be on the lookout for
more exciting news
from this sensational teenager in 2007!
For additional information, please
contact:
Kathy Best
FrontPage Publicity
615/383-0412
kathy@frontpagepublicity.com
Cassie McConnell
FrontPage
Publicity
615/383-0412
cassie@frontpagepublicity.com
Taylor
Swift gets last laugh with video starring Tyler Hilton
By
BEVERLY KEEL
Although Taylor Swift had a hit singing about Tim
McGraw, it was a Toby Keith song that was running through her mind Monday at her
video shoot at Hume-Fogg Magnet School.
Taylor, a stunning 17-year-old,
enjoyed a "How Do You Like Me Now" moment at the video shoot for her upcoming
single, "Teardrops on My Guitar."
SAMMY
KERSHAW AND JOHN STONE TALK ABOUT CHICK’S
Sammy Kershaw and John Stone scheduled to appear on “Three Men And A
Chick Flick” January 20th on Women’s Entertainment (WE) Network
Nashville, TN – Women’s Entertainment Network’s “3 Men And A Chick
Flick” will
feature country music singer’s SAMMY KERSHAW and JOHN STONE
offering commentary on the movie “Coal Miner’s Daughter” on January 20th at 8 PM
ET and again at 12 PM ET.
Both Kershaw and Stone had a few things to say
during the breaks about the movie, women, and being in the music business.
“Watching Coal Miner’s Daughter is a reminder to me of what female
artists must go through in order to make it in the business,” Kershaw commented
during the show. “Especially before artists like Loretta Lynn paved the way.”
“It was a pleasure for me to be part of “3 Men And A Chick Flick,” says
Stone. “If I have to watch a “chick flick,” what better one than Coal Miner’s
Daughter? I do and always have loved Loretta Lynn, and so does my
Mamma!”
Kershaw is familiar with offering commentary on chicks. His new
video “Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On” is a perfect example of that!
Stay
tuned to www.sammykershaw.com and www.johnstone.com for additional details.
NEW TRICK
PONY SINGER IN THE SADDLE
Trick Pony’s remaining members, Keith
Burns and Ira Dean, have selected a new lead singer to replace the departed
Heidi Newfield, 19-year-old Aubrey Collins.
January 15, 2007 – Aubrey is
described as “a rock chick who loves country,” and she has begun rehearsals with
Ira and Keith. Keith jokingly points out that, “She has a hard time dealing with
the fact that Ira is 12.” Heidi left the band late last year to pursue solo
opportunities, and played her last shows with her Trick Pony bandmates in
December at Nashville’s Wildhorse Saloon. You’ll learn more about Aubrey and the
band’s plans for 2007 in an upcoming issue of Country
Weekly.
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
PEACH UPSIDE DOWN
CAKE VERSION 2
from Real and Rustic Cookbook
Ingredients
needed:
TOPPING:
1 1/2 pounds peaches, peeled, pitted, and sliced (about
2 1/2 cups)
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon grated nutmeg
1 tablespoon sugar
CAKE BATTER:
1 stick (1/4 pound) butter, softened
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon
ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon grated nutmeg
1 cup milk
2 1/4 cups
flour
SYRUP:
1/2 stick (4 tablespoons) butter
1/2 cup sugar
Toss
the peaches, cinnamon, nutmeg, and sugar in a mixing bowl to coat
evenly. Set
aside.
Preheat the oven to 350?F.
CAKE BATTER:
Combine the
butter, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and eggs in
a mixing bowl.
Blend the mixture, working it with the back of a wooden
spoon to break up any
lumps, until smooth. Add the vanilla, cinnamon,
nutmeg, and milk. Mix well.
Add the flour and beat until smooth.
SYRUP:
In a 10 1/2-inch ovenproof
skillet (or an 8 X 11 1/2 X 2-inch baking
pan), combine the butter and the
sugar over medium-high heat. Stir with
a wooden spoon until the mixture
caramelizes and becomes syrupy.
Spread the peaches evenly in the bottom
of the skillet or pan. Remove
from the heat. Pour the cake batter into the
skillet or pan and spread
evenly over the peaches.
Bake for about 40
minutes, or until the cake is golden and pulls away
slightly from the sides
of the skillet or pan. Remove from the oven and
cool for about 30 minutes,
then invert over a large platter.
Slice to serve.
Yield: one 8- to
9-inch cake, 12 servings
HOT N' HONEY CHICKEN
WINGS
17 chicken wings
3/4 cup Picante
Sauce
2/3 cup honey
1/3 cup soy
sauce
1/4 cup dijon-style mustard
3 Tbsp.
vegetable oil
2 Tbsp. ginger, finely shredded
1-1/2 tsp. finely shredded orange peel
DIRECTONS:
Cut off and discard wing tips; cut each wing
in half at
joint. Place in 13 x 9 inch baking dish. Combine
remaining
ingredients; mix well. Pour over chicken wings. Cover
and
refrigerate at least 6 hours or overnight. Place
chicken
wings and sauce in a single layer on foil-lined 15 x
10
inch jelly roll pan. Bake at 400 degrees 40 to 45
minutes
or until well browned. Serve warm or at room
temperature
with additional Picante Sauce.
Yield: 34 Appetizers
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
My puppy is 10 months old. When do I take
him off puppy food and start feeding him regular dog
food?
 According to Doctors Smith and Foster, the
proprietors of PetEducation.com, "your puppy should only receive puppy food for the first
year." The doctors describe the difference
between puppy food and regular dog chow. Puppy food is higher in protein and
enriched with soluable vitamins, minerals, and other essentials.
So it
looks like your four-legged friend has two more months of the yummy stuff, then
it's time to graduate to an adult
diet. Mmmmmm, bones....
****A
PARTING THOUGHT ****
Life is tough.
It's
tougher if you're stupid.
LAST CALL Y'ALL
 
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR!
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