Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.
In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents
were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good
from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...
he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound
for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and
comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest
of us were shushing each other to listen to what he
had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from our friends, any visitors or us. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger
moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?....

We just call him by his initials, "TV."

He has a younger sister now. We call her "Computer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pled 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there
would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll
never be able to fool the four women jurors."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks -
Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and
they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and
Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars I
can't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!! " Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky
stars that I can't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling
across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally, Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squalors one day. "I
can't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to
whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...... have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna
across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came
to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over
the bridge, looked up.....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE
HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED
THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the
bridge...... I stepped up on
the bridge.....walked halfway over the bridge....looked up....."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet,
6 inches" he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the
river!!!!!!! "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Politics is a dirty business. And with Hillary Clinton
announcing that she is running for president, Republicans
are already digging up dirt on her. And they found out
that she once slept with Bill Clinton." --Dave Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is running for
president. Which is good because every day we have thousands
of new Mexicans who enter the country." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The
clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made
available for calling guests who wished to rise at an
early hour.

"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I
always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you
mind calling me at six?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather
forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey,
how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an
uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck
for you, eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin
I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand,
free and clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited
almost one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"

"Well, this week...nothing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A three-year study was just completed on how different
nationalities treat their computer equipment. The study
found the following:

The Japanese are most likely to clean their keyboards
after every use.

The Americans are most likely to spill food on their
keyboards.

The Ukranians use their keyboards for spare parts for
their TV's.

The Germans are most likely to pound on their keyboards.

The French are most likely to give their keyboards to
the Germans without a struggle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-
law out of your fourth-story window.

Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.

Judge:     That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous
           it might have been for anyone passing at the time?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter
hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers,"
Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual.
"Here it is...rear defrosters."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area
51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got
lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run
out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background
check on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his air-
plane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on
his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force,
the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's
surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people
in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want
to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell
her where I was last night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "Come and
bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man
is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview
when the man disappears.

A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the
door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man
disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after
him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're
trying to resuscitate me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out
of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any
brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man
started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot,
fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes
and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been
lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you
go home and take a long hot bath?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest
equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly
drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he
drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new
ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~