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Subject: The Daily Funnies - January30, 2007



 
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


TUESDAY JANUARY 30,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"

As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a  
little boy stepped aside and held the door for her.  

"What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked  
through. "Is there a tip involved?"  

"Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never  
to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The difference between education and experience:
Education is what you get from reading the small print,
Experience is what you get from not reading it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary
qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the
boss so much that everything will be forgiven.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American
History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?"

"Lots of it," replies Jim.

"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of
Michigan?"

"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."

"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this
form, we can get you started in the firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously
pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he
notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine
looking men. Your partners?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I overheard my son talking to his friend, complaining
about me.

He said "My mother is mean and short-tempered.  I
think she is  going through her mental pause."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The
teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to
influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest
man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the
greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."
The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the
answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham
Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and
helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but
that is not the one I was looking for."

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ
was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in
astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for."
She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a
lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking
his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy
stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU
know it's Moses, but business is business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was attending church services when
about halfway through she leans over and says to him,
"I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think
I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery
in your hearing aid..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BLOOPERS
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks
are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the
piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at
the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and
Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the
side entrance.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make
calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00
to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight
of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which
the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROANER
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one was called Justin and the other was
called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day, Justin
said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I
was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As
Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod
appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid
of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away
whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming
alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his
luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back
into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the
gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?"
he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides
to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply. Eager to put things
right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to
Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man,
you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've
found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hillary Clinton called President Bush's explanation strange and far-
fetched. Let me tell you something, if anyone has heard strange
and far-fetched explanations from a president of the United States,
it is Hillary, so she knows what she's talking about. (Jay Leno)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern California beaches were battered by high waves Thursday.
Geologists blame it on seismic activity several miles inland. It's
the clearest evidence yet that John Wayne is spinning in his grave
ever since Brokeback Mountain came out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Halliburton Co. said Friday it plans to spin off a minority stake
in its engineering and construction unit KBR, which has generated
enormous controversy over how it has become the largest U.S.
contractor in Iraq. If things get any worse, they may spin off
their biggest subsidiary- the White House.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to the new way it intends to deliver cars, Ford will
produce just as many vehicles as ever despite its plan to slash
up to 30,000 jobs. Buyers will get the doors, wheels, hood, trunk
lid, and bumpers in separate packages along with a window sticker
announcing, "Some assembly required."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're an American when you're out of the bathroom, what are
you when you're IN the bathroom?

European!  (You're a Peein')
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great truths about life:


1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.


2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice
it is that wrinkles don't hurt.


3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.


4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a
pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
 
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
 
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the
toy. 

7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
 
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. 

9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing
worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 

10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer."

She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look.

Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Still not grasping just how important hockey was to my new  
husband, I plunked myself down next to him on the couch  
while he watched a game and began to chat. After being  
shushed a few times, I gave him a look.  

Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry,  
honey," he apologized. "I'm being rude. You go ahead and  
talk--I'll just turn up the volume."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Oldie but Goodie
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law  passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,

or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-

law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only

$150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and

three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a press conference, President Bush admitted that he had not seen
'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express interest in drilling
for oil there. (David Letterman)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him  
and said the telephone was ringing. At this hour it was  
probably for him, she said, closing her eyes. Jim rolled  
out of bed and trundled downstairs. When he returned, his  
wife was asleep. He woke her. "Wasn't for me, after all,"  
he said. She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe and  
was half way to the door when he added, "It was a wrong  
number."
  
**** Quickies
 ****

I love Blonde Jokes
 
GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you
see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in sp! ace!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's as hard to get a man to stay home after you've married him as it was to get him to go home before you married him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to:
mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca


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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Inhaled c-steroids best for child asthma  

BETHESDA, Md., -- A U.S. study has found inhaled corti-  
costeroids are the most effective initial daily therapy  
for children with mild to moderate persistent asthma.  
Although several medications are available to help  
children maintain asthma control, clinical trials direct-  
ly comparing them had not been conducted. In what's call-  
ed the first study of its kind, scientists at the  
National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute in Bethesda,  
Md., compared the effectiveness and safety of three dif-  
ferent asthma medicines for initial daily therapy for  
school-aged children with mild to moderate persistent  
asthma. The therapies were a low dose inhaled corti-  
costeroid, a combination of a lower dose inhaled corti-  
costeroid and an inhaled long acting beta2 agonist, and  
a leukotriene receptor antagonist. Researchers studying  
285 children ages 6 to 14 years found that after 48  
weeks, inhaled corticosteroids were the most effective  
initial daily therapy. They also found no significant  
adverse growth effects among any of the medicines  
studied. The research appears in this month's issue of  
the Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology.   

New estrogen breast cancer role discovered  

CHAMPAIGN, Ill., -- U.S. scientists have found estrogen  
not only enhances the growth and migration of breast  
cancer cells, but also shields the cells from immune  
cells. The University of Illinois medical researchers,  
in what's described as the first study of its kind, dis-  
covered the hormone estrogen induces the expression of  
an inhibitor that blocks immune cells' ability to kill  
tumor cells. The scientists analyzed estrogen's role in  
the cascade of events that occurs when immune cells,  
called natural killer cells, encounter a tumor cell.  
Normally, natural killer cells release granules that  
contain enzymes called granzymes, which enter and kill  
the tumor cell. But the researchers found when estrogen  
binds with an estrogen receptor the complex promotes  
production of a granzyme inhibitor, proteinase inhibitor  
9 (PI-9). That inhibitor binds the granzyme, preventing  
it from initiating the molecular cascade that kills tumor  
cells. "It wasn't known estrogen could do this in breast  
cancer cells," said principal investigator David Shapiro,  
a UI professor of biochemistry. "The amounts of estrogen  
required to do this are quite small." The study conducted  
by Shapiro, graduate student Xinguo Jiang and collabora-  
tors from the University of Wisconsin, is detailed online  
in the journal Oncogene.   

New treatment found for GVH disease  

SEATTLE,  -- U.S. medical scientists have devised a treat-  
ment modification for gastrointestinal graft-versus-host  
disease that keeps the illness in remission. Scientists  
from Seattle's The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center  
say GVHD is a common and potentially deadly side effect  
for patients who undergo an allogeneic stem-cell trans-  
plant to treat certain blood cancers. Now, the researchers  
have demonstrated adding a widely used topical cortico-  
steroid to the standard GVHD treatment kept the disease  
in remission and significantly reduced deaths one year  
after therapy. The reformulation of beclomethasone dipro-  
pionate into two different pills was designed to specifi-  
cally release the drug into the stomach and mid-small  
intestine. That allowed patients to be on a shorter treat-  
ment course of high-dose prednisone. That resulted in  
mortality being reduced by 46 percent a year following  
the start of treatment in a multi-center Phase III clin-  
ical trial. The study, led by Dr. David Hockenbery, a  
professor of medicine and gastroenterology at the  
University of Washington School of Medicine, appears in  
the current issue of the journal Blood.  


*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****


EVERY SO OFTEN, we come across stories from the news of Weird Events, supposedly real happenings.
This issue of GGG is featuring a few of these.  WE think you will agree that yes indeed, TRUTH is Stranger than Fiction.  We can't attest to the authenticity, so we'll let you decide....although, these have all been reported by the world's major news sources.

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Town to pay for policeman's topless stunt 
MIAMI (Reuters) - A Florida city has agreed to pay $35,000 to a 
teenage girl who was forced by a policeman to perform jumping
exercises while topless in order to avoid arrest on an indecency 
charge. Not happy with fruitcake? Get what you really wanted 
The Pensacola City Council approved the payment on Thursday
night to settle a lawsuit the girl filed against the city police department.
Officer Shawn Patrick Shields approached a parked car and found 
two partially dressed teenagers inside in April 2003, according
to a police report. The officer put the 16-year-old girl and 19-year
-old man into his police car and threatened to arrest them for lewd 
and lascivious behavior. The girl said Shields suggested she instead 
perform topless exercises as a punishment and shined his flashlight 
on her while she did five jumping jacks. Shields resigned under 
pressure, pleaded no contest to a criminal charge of extortion 
and was ordered to serve two years on probation, police Lt. Randy
Stull said.

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Carjacker crashes, gets lost, calls cops
BOCA RATON, Fla. - A carjacker called 911 and turned himself in to 
police after he crashed a stolen SUV twice and got lost during his 
escape from the crime scene. Claude King, 31, called police from 
a Palm Springs pay phone and confessed to stealing the GMC Envoy 
Tuesday night, The Palm Beach Post reported. PUBLICIDAD "Um,
I committed a crime," he told the police dispatcher. "I stole a vehicle." 
He asked for officers to respond to his location, but when the 
dispatcher asked where the vehicle was, King didn't have an answer. 
"I couldn't even tell you," he said. "I don't even know where I'm at." 
Boca Raton police found King waiting on a curb. He being was 
held without bail in the Palm Beach County Jail. "

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Man trades daughter's dog for beer
BERLIN (Reuters) - A thirsty German sold his 6-year-old step-daughter's
pet beagle to the owner of a bar to pay for beer, the Bild newspaper
reported Friday. The unemployed man offered to take the dog for a 
walk and then stopped at a bar where he convinced the owner to buy
the 3-year-old dog for 40 euros ($53). The man spent the proceeds 
quenching his thirst for beer. The bar owner has now returned the
dog to its owner."

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German man sues teens over depressed Ostrich 
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German ostrich owner is suing three youths
for allegedly making his bird impotent and depressed by setting off 
firecrackers next to it, a spokesman for a court in eastern Germany
said on Thursday. The court in the town of Bautzen in Saxony will 
hear the case on January 15. The owner of the male ostrich wants 
5,040 euros (3,400 pounds) in damages from the youths, one aged 
17 and the others aged 18, because he was planning to start an 
ostrich farm. "The man claims that he lost out on the possible births 
of 14 chicks and he also wants compensation for the vet's bills,"
the spokesman added."

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Police: Teen Seeking Kiss Rams Wrong Car 
BAY CITY, Mich. (AP) -- A lovers' quarrel and a case of mistaken
identity has landed a teenager behind bars after police say he 
repeatedly rammed a teenage girl's car, thinking it was his girlfriend. 
State police told The Saginaw News that the victim - a 17-year-old 
from Pinconning - called 911 early Sunday when the suspect smashed
his car into the rear of hers. The 17-year-old suspect struck her car
about 15 times and pushed it through stop signs at intersections,
the victim told police. Dispatchers advised her to lead the suspect
toward police units who were en route to intercept them, police said. 
State police troopers and Bay County sheriff's deputies caught up
with the suspect and pursued the Bay City teen at speeds of up to
90 miles per hour, police said. The teen told police he thought the
driver was his girlfriend, who left a party after the couple quarreled. 
He said he wanted to talk to her and get his goodnight kiss, so he
went searching for her, police said. He told police he was talking 
to his girlfriend on his cell phone, telling her to stop her car. 
She told him she was stopped and didn't know what he was talking 
about, officers said. The teen likely will face charges including assault 
with a vehicle, fleeing police and drunk driving."

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Man commits crime to get back in jail 
SOUTH DAYTONA, Fla. - Danny Robert Villegas liked prison 
so much he staged a robbery just to get back in, police say.
Officers were called to the Kennedy Space Center Federal Credit 
Union on Monday after Villegas allegedly walked inside, told the
teller he was robbing her and said, "You might as well call the police 
now," according to a police report. 
Police Lt. Ron Wright said Villegas then sat on a couch in the bank lobby
to wait for police. "He said he wanted to rob a federal bank because 
he wanted to go back to a federal penitentiary," Wright said. 
"Apparently he robbed a bank in Fresno, California, 10 years ago, 
was sentenced to 70 months in a federal penitentiary in Phoenix and
he enjoyed his time there." Villegas told police he was a roofer in 
Texas for five years after he was released from prison, but had 
grown tired of the work, The Daytona Beach News-Journal reported.
"Two days ago he said he decided to drive to Florida because he 
wanted to see the ocean," Wright said. "But he ran out of money."

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When Pigs Attack!
LONDON (Reuters) - A British farm worker needed hospital
treatment after being attacked by a herd of pigs, Norfolk police 
said Sunday. The 51-year-old man was knocked over by a sow 
at a Norfolk farm in eastern England, prompting the rest of the 
herd to attack him. "It seems that when he fell, he was attacked
by one of the sows and then the other pigs joined in," a Norfolk 
police spokesman told Reuters. "He suffered bumps and bruises 
and a head injury though it is not considered to be life-threatening.
The police spokesman said it was the first time he had heard of a
pig attack in the area -- but it was unlikely the herd would be
put down. 

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Man kicked off flight for Bush bashing T-Shirt
CANBERRA,(Reuters) - An airline passenger barred from a flight for 
wearing a T-shirt labeling President Bush a terrorist has threatened legal 
action against Australia's flag carrier Qantas. Allen Jasson, 55, an 
Australian IT expert who lives in Britain, was stopped from boarding 
a London-bound Qantas flight at Melbourne Airport last Friday for 
wearing what the airline said was an offensive T-shirt. Airline staff 
said the T-shirt of Bush with the tagline "World's number 1 terrorist"
could have upset other passengers and demanded it be changed for 
another. But Jasson, who had earlier traveled on a Qantas domestic
flight wearing the Bush T-shirt, said his right to freedom of speech had
been infringed by Qantas. "I am not prepared to go without the T-shirt.
I might forfeit the fare, but I have made up my mind that I would rather 
stand up for the principle of free speech," Jasson told Australian media 
on Monday, adding he would seek legal advice. Qantas issued a 
statement saying comments made verbally or on a T-shirt which had 
the potential to offend other travelers or threaten the security of 
aircraft "will not be tolerated."

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Owner of two-headed calf plans to keep her

RICHMOND, Va. (UPI) -- The Richmond, Va., owner of a world famous two-headed calf says he would rather keep the animal as a pet than donate it to science or entertainment.

Kirk Heldreth, owner of the Rural Retreat dairy farm, said his family has become too attached to the calf, named Star, to give her up, the Media General News Service reported Wednesday.

"We'd like to keep the calf for a while and see how she does," Heldreth said.

The farmer said he believes the veterinary department at Virginia Tech would likely refuse to take the animal due to the high amount of publicity she has gained.

Heldreth said the calf, which was born with one upper jaw and two lower jaws, was not expected to survive without a feeding tube, but she has learned to nurse on a bottle as well as any other calf.

"The unique thing about (Star) is she's got the will to survive more than any calf I've ever seen," he said.

"She amazes us every day."


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Komodo dragon has 'virgin birth' at zoo

CHESTER, England (UPI) -- Through an unusual process of asexual reproduction, a Komodo dragon recently hatched five offspring without a mate at a popular British zoo.

Marking the first time the reproductive process of parthenogenesis has been found in a Komodo dragon, Chester Zoo resident Flora gave laid seven eggs last May and five hatched successfully, The Times of London said.

Officials at the zoo have expressed amazement at the veritable "virgin birth" and their female local resident's new role as a mother and a father.

"Flora is oblivious to the excitement she has caused, but we are delighted to say she is now a mum and dad," zoo official Kevin Buley told The Times. "When the first of the babies hatched, we didn't know whether to make her a cup of tea or pass her the cigars."

The act of asexual reproduction, that is typically associated with more traditional lizard species, comes into light as nearly 4,000 of the creatures are thought to be alive worldwide.

The Times said that one problem with the process, that is enhanced by limiting the presence of male Komodo dragons, is that all eggs laid will hatch male children.


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In Annapolis, wall becomes controversial

ANNAPOLIS, Manitoba (UPI) -- In Annapolis, Md., dominated by its Historic Preservation Commission, a plan for an outdoor art display has sparked a huge controversy.

The flashpoint is the walls around a small downtown parking lot, one of six sites Artwalk is considering. The project would mark the 300th anniversary of Annapolis' incorporation as a city.

Those planning Artwalk see cracked, graffiti-covered concrete suitable for a display of blown-up photographs of the Annapolis scene. The preservationists see something else.

"I can read a whole lot of history in the wall," William Schmickle, who heads the preservation commission, told The Washington Post.

Annapolis, founded in the mid-17th century and given its current name in 1694 shortly after it became capital of the colony of Maryland, is one of the oldest cities in the United States. Thanks largely to its militant preservationists, it also has one of the largest collections of old buildings lining its narrow downtown streets.

The Artwalk group remembers that a few years ago the commission successfully quashed a plan to hang baskets of flowers from the reproduction 1826 lampposts downtown on the grounds that there were no flowers in 1826.

"You have to understand, we're walking on eggshells here," said Charles Walsh, a retired lawyer who is leading Artwalk


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Inebriated passenger crashes bus

DIONYSOS, Greece (UPI) -- A suburban Athens bus driver stopped his vehicle to deal with an unruly passenger but the young man allegedly commandeered the bus and crashed it.

Police arrested the man following the incident that left three parked cars damaged early Monday in Dionysos.

Police said the man was inebriated and had been bothering a female passenger. When the bus driver stopped the vehicle to deal with the situation, the man jumped into the driver's seat and drove about 300 feet before crashing into the parked cars. No injuries were reported.

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Tiff over planned Dracula castle sale

BRASOV, Romania (UPI) -- Dracula's Castle is on the market in central Romania and a controversy has erupted over who has the right to purchase the 14th century Transylvanian estate.

Lawyers in Brasov claim to have secured funds to purchase the property, the Telegraph reports. However, Culture Minister Adrain Iorgulescu said his government ministry has right of first refusal on the castle that goes back to last year when it was returned to the Habsburg family 50 years after it was seized by the communists.

"The purchase offer is illegal as we have the first refusal. Brasov county council can think about buying the castle only after the culture ministry says it is not interested, and we have not yet even made our offer," he said.

Iorgulescu said the ministry is not prepared to pay the asking price of $40 million pounds ($77.6 million), calling it "indecently high and exaggerated compared to the real value of the castle."

The lure lies in the history of the property. Although links to Prince Vlad Tepes III, better known as the inspiration for the blood-sucking Count Dracula, are tenuous, he probably stayed there as either a guest or prisoner.

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Judge: Gay alimony legal but marriage not

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York judge ruled the former same-sex partner of a businessman can keep $780,000 in alimony even though their Massachusetts marriage was invalid.

State Supreme Court Justice Phyllis Gangel-Jacob ruled that gay couples do have the legal right to sign binding financial agreements in New York even if they cannot legally get hitched, the New York Post reported. She called the argument by a lawyer for Steven Green that the agreement depended on marriage "disingenuous."

Green, a millionaire real estate investor in Westchester County, and David Gonzalez began a relationship in 2001. At the time, Gonzalez was a student with no assets, but Green gave him gifts that included two cars and a Massachusetts ski house.

The couple married in 2005 in Massachusetts but split up a few months later. Under their separation agreement, Gonzalez returned the ski house in exchange for a $780,000 payment.

Gonzalez filed for divorce, citing "cruel and inhuman treatment," while Green argued that they could not get divorced since they had never been married. Green won his point on the marriage but not on the money.


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Florida officials getting heat over ice


MIAMI (UPI) -- The Florida Emergency Response Team is feeling some heat over $1.8 million worth of ice that's costing the state $90,000 a month to store. 

The 9 million pounds of ice cubes were meant for distribution to Florida residents during power outages caused by hurricanes last year, The Los Angeles Times reports. 

No one expected a season without sans hurricanes and it's doubtful the ice will last until the 2007 hurricane season begins. 

So now, officials are putting out a call to non-profit groups in the hope one or several are in need of 225 truck loads of ice -- and have the freezer space to store it all. 

Emergency Management spokesman Mike Stone said, of course, there is a Plan B if no group happens to answer the call. 

"Eventually, at some point, we would find a way to return it to the earth from whence it came," he said, adding it would most likely end up in one of Florida's drought areas. 

"On one level, it would be the ultimate recycling project." 

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Criminal chooses wrong home to burgle


NEW YORK (UPI) -- A convicted criminal allegedly tried to scam his way into the home of a top New York police union official -- a decision that landed him in jail. 

Ex-con Anthony Genovese allegedly tried to enter the home of Patrolmen's Benevolent Association President Patrick Lynch, the New York Daily News reported. 

Genovese's alleged attempt to enter Lynch's home was foiled by the union official's dog and his wife, Cathy, who contacted her husband to let him know someone was stealing their Volvo. 

Police arrested Genovese and Laurie Kernahan, whose appearance was similar to that of Lynch's wife, and took the suspects in for questioning. 

That's when Lynch got his chance to ask Genovese why he had chosen his house to rob. 

"Before the cops from the 111th Precinct pulled him out of the car, I asked him why he had gone to that particular house," Lynch told the Daily News. "He told me, 'The woman with the dog, I know her husband.' He didn't before -- but he does now." 

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New dog kilts come without underwear


ALTADENA, Calif. (UPI) -- In keeping with Scottish tradition, new kilts soon to be marketed for male dogs by an Altadena, Calif., company will not be sold with underwear. 

The British Punk Kilt is the brainchild of designer Carolyn Paxton, founder of pet fashion house Chi Wow Wow, which last year unveiled a line of retro bellbottom pants in "mod" prints for female dogs. 

Prior to that, Paxton created lines of one-of-a-kind T-shirts, hoodies and small dog carriers, using her own 8-year-old rescued male Chihuahua, Elvis, as a fashion guinea pig. 

The kilts are a wool-blend red tartan with side pleats and are fully lined. They will be available in double extra-small through large sizes when Paxton begins shipping to suppliers in Los Angeles, Europe and Japan on Feb. 1. 

The chiwowwow.com Web site said kilts for female dogs will also be available. 
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Police foil third robbery in as many days


NEW YORK (UPI) -- New York police say they saved a laundromat from being robbed three times in as many days after they arrested a man with an Uzi strapped to his chest. 

The 20-year-old man, who matched the description of the suspect in a pair of robberies, was arrested Saturday by police officers, the New York Daily News said. 

A man matching Jesse Stuckey's description, down to the identical clothing he wore at the time of his arrest, had robbed the Jin Fang Laundromat Thursday and Friday, police said. 

Police reportedly arrested Stuckey as he appeared to be en route to the laundromat, and in addition to the Uzi, they found the 20-year-old allegedly was carrying a fake police badge. 

During the two robberies, the thief made off without approximately $600 and a Sony laptop computer. 

The Daily News said Stuckey, who was previously arrested for drug possession, was charged with three weapons counts and two first-degree robbery counts. 

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There is no end to the weird and strange stories in the news.  

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**** Reader's Submissions ****


On Being the Mother of Twins

     I had always wanted to be a mother.  In my youthful days, I could imagine running through a field of daisies with my children.  My long hair would fall in great swirls about my face, radiant with motherhood.  My children would look up adoringly at me, and the sun would shine warmly on us.
     But I found real motherhood not like that at all.  One day I took my four children to a field, even though I didn't have time to take the curlers out of my short stubborn hair.
     One of the twins got stung by a bee and the other one picked poison ivy for me.  The girls complained constantly about being thirsty.  Just as the rain started, a man yelled, "Hey, get out of here.  You're trespassing."

     Why doesn't someone tell you what motherhood is really like?  Why don't they tell you about mountains of crumbs that stick to high chairs and sticky spilled milk and sky-high temperatures.  Why doesn't someone warn you about
children who whine?  Why don't they tell you how to get gum out of rugs and what to do when an apple gets flushed down the toilet?
     Actually, I managed quite well as a mother with my first little girl. Julie was never sick, and anything suited her.  She had regular checkups, ate a balanced diet, wore matching outfits and a pert ribbon in her hair, and always smelled of baby powder.  I read to her by the hour.  She could quote "Annabel Lee" in kindergarten.
     Two years later a second daughter, Jennifer, arrived.  Jennifer was a happy, contented baby, like her sister.  Two little girls and a mother who had to hurry a bit but certainly believed that little girls were sugar and spice and everything nice.
     But wouldn't a little boy be fun, I thought, as I saw my husband looking at boy babies or going out to play football with a neighbor's child.
I wonder what little boys are like, I mused.  So at the age of thirty-three, I was delighted to learn a baby was on the way.  My husband and our girls were also thrilled.
     I can still remember the kindly doctor looking at an x ray two months before my baby was due and holding up two fingers.  I didn't know what he meant.
     "Twins, Mrs. West, you're going to have twins!"
     I expected girls again and had, back in my mind, the names Jessica and Johanna.  But we quickly came up with the names Jonathan and Jeremy.  I couldn't believe I had twin sons - or four children!
     The trips to the pediatrician's office became so traumatic that I stopped going.  There was always a little fellow who sat calmly by his mother's side glancing up at her lovingly.  His shirt was buttoned, his pants zipped, socks matched, and both his shoes remained on and tied.  His mother sighed to me, "I don't know what I'd do if I had two of little Albert."
     As my twins, not quite a year old, crawled under people's chairs, onto strangers' laps and onto the window ledges, I thought grimly, You should have five of him!
     Also in the waiting room was the mother with her firstborn.  She became very protective as my sons made their way toward her baby.  Her mother, husband and the maid discouraged my twins from coming close.  When I gave Jon and Jeremy a whack on their bottoms, this young mother looked at me with an  I'll-never-have-to-resort-to-that-sort-of-thing look.
     As the twins got older, and I aged incredibly, I learned to move fast. Do I run after Jeremy as he heads for three empty bottles on my neighbor's carport or dash for Jon as he disappears into a storm drain?  Should I catch the one getting into the bathtub fully clothed or go after the one pulling the hissing cat out from under the bed?
     As the twins grew larger, they eventually covered every inch of the house looking for adventure.  They turned over the television and removed its parts, broke out the glass in the French door, knocked out window screens and threw their clothes and toys out, climbed up inside the chimney, pulled down curtains and curtain rods, removed the heating ducts from the wall and finally turned over an old chest with each of them shut tightly in a drawer.
     Some weeks were worse than others.  One Tuesday afternoon, a railing outside the public library gave way and Jon fell eleven feet.  That night, Jeremy knocked a tooth loose.
     Wednesday, Jeremy learned to open the car door while I was driving. Saturday night, Jeremy leaped from the mantel and required five stitches in his head.  Jon cried for days because he didn't have any stitches and finally consoled himself by drinking iodine.
     Just before the boys were fifteen months old, Jeremy discovered how to get out of his bed.  Then he freed Jon.  This meant every day I dragged around the house like Frankenstein with a twin clinging to each leg.
     The look in my eyes after a few days forced my husband to take drastic measures.  He built a fence around the top of Jeremy's bed with chicken wire.  When Jeremy climbed over the top of the fence and jumped to freedom, Jerry built a top to the fence and put a lock on it.
     We soon learned to ignore the looks on the faces of our friends when they saw Jeremy's bed for the first time.  Actually, Jeremy seemed relieved to be confined, which proves what I have always believed: Children want discipline.
     Jeremy's Sunday school teacher never did understand why he began placing a doll in a doll bed and then turning another bed over it, smiling with great satisfaction.  I didn't tell her about Jeremy's bed.
     Talking on the telephone was dangerous.  My twins had become
conditioned, and the sound of our phone ringing sent them looking for trouble.
     One day as I talked on the phone (I had to communicate with people somehow), Jon came running to me looking funny, and holding his throat.  We had just returned from the hospital that day.  Jon's tonsils had been removed.  Suddenly, I knew what his trouble was.
     Surely, God must give mothers of twins extra abilities.  Jon had found a nickel on my dresser and swallowed it.
     I threw the phone down and grabbed Jon by the feet, shaking him and praying.  Out came the nickel and his stitches didn't even bleed.
     Friends almost stopped coming by.  Our house was like a three-ring circus.  I often stood by the window watching my friends going out to eat lunch together and felt an ache I thought I couldn't bear.
     That same day a dear friend came by.  I was so glad to see an adult, I could hardly stop talking or grinning.  Our conversation was interrupted by loud crashes coming from the direction of the bathroom.  Lord, help me ignore the noise and enjoy this friend who has come to see me.
     Finally, as I continued to ignore the crashes, Jeremy brought me half of the top of the back of the toilet tank.  He placed it in my lap, hoping to interrupt our conversation.  I kept talking calmly, wiping the blood from his cut finger on my apron and cautioning him, "Don't bleed on the rug."
     I almost never took the boys anywhere, but in desperation (it had rained for four days) we went to get a carton of soft drinks.  My twins were wild with excitement.
     I dressed Jon first.  By the time I got to Jeremy, Jon stood inside the toilet bowl, laughing.  I dressed Jon again and looked for Jeremy, only to find him standing out in the rain looking up with his mouth open.
     Some mornings I awoke and prayed even before I opened my eyes: Please, God, stay very close to me today.  I don't even want to be a mother today.
I just want to listen to silence and think my own thoughts, and brush my teeth without interruption.
     Going out was reduced to a jaunt to the garbage cans or a dash to the mailbox or the clothesline.  One evening, however, I went to a dinner party with my husband.  The children gathered around to watch me put on shoes and lipstick.
     I guess the party was too much for me.  I kept saying, "Look at all the big people."  And I tried to cut the meat of the startled gentleman sitting next to me.
     Sometimes I wonder how many miles I must have strolled Jon and Jeremy (mostly uphill) while Julie and Jennifer followed, constantly asking questions.
     Many times I had no idea how I would do it one more day, or how I would even get through supper that night.
     A little old lady who lived at the end of the street asked the same question.  Many of my friends did.  Even strangers sometimes quizzed me, "How do you manage?"
     "I pray a lot," I told them.  "I have to.  I can't make it on my own. God helps me every day."

 
 By Marion Bond West (c)
**** ON THIS DAY ****


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

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Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
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It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
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 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-30-

Rome Johnson, recording artist, born Winchester, KY 1916.

Harold Ralph Morrison, bluegrass musician/comedian, born Highlonseome, MO 1931.

Melvin Endsley, singer/ songwriter/guitarist, born Drasco, AK 1934.

Jeanne Pruett born "Norma Jean Bowman," Pell City, AL 1937.

Norma Jean, born "Norma Jean Beasler," rural Wellston, OK 1938.

Jerry Bradley, music executive, born Nashville, TN 1940.

Little Jimmy Dickens released "You All Come," 1954.

Doug Kahan, "The Gibson/Miller Band," born Detroit, MI 1956.

Merle Haggard was found guilty on a burglary charge in California 1958.

Red Sovine's "Giddyup Go" topped the charts 1966.

Kathy Mattea's first #1 single "Goin' Gone" charted 1988.

Ott Devine, age 83, WSM executive/Grand Ole Opry manager, died 1994.

BNA released John Anderson's album "Paradise" 1996.

RCA released "The Essential Jim Ed Brown & the Browns" 1996.

Travis Tritt performed at the Super Bowl pre-game show, and Faith Hill sang the National Anthem 2000.

Freddy Fender was released from a San Antonio Hospital in 2002, after successful kidney transplant surgery.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

TOP SONGWRITER’S SON DIES IN ATV CRASH

Alex Levasseur, the son of top Nashville songwriter Jeffrey Steele, was killed in an ATV accident in Franklin, Tenn., Sunday, Jan. 28.

January 29, 2007 – Levasseur, 13, was riding on a public road when he apparently lost control of his ATV while going around a curve. The vehicle flew into an open ditch, throwing the teen from his seat. Levasseur was wearing a helmet at the time of the accident. Jeffrey Steele has written such hits as “My Wish” by Rascal Flatts, Tim McGraw’s “The Cowboy in Me,” and “My Town” by Montgomery Gentry.
  




**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

LASAGNA ROLL UPS