From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to The Funnies

Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 31,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: They call it a tax return...
as if all the money you pay was going to make a round trip.

Cat-in-the-Bag   Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay Woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking Lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no smell. "What business could that poor kitty have had here?" Murmured Ellen. "Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and Was explaining,"I'll just put my things in your bag, and Then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then Used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former Feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, Stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to Both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag In the Trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they Ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car Smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, And they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a Window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with The Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a Red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this Way and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag without Breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line Of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of Amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think How to respond. "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve Of that  woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh Was building as she thought about the grand surprise Awaiting the red-gingham thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her Napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction Of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the Black-haired woman with the Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing Her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table Across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and Began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and Green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to Survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice Her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the Tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes WIdened, And she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The Noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to The floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a Customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, While she administered the Heimlich maneuver. A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen And Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven Whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter Of minutes the black-haired woman emerged from the Crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the Waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her Belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she Disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's Bag perched on her stomach.  ~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~ I had just finished preaching a sermon and people were lining up near the altar to receive Communion. As they moved through the line and returned to their seats, I noticed many of them were looking at me with tears in their eyes. Was my sermon that moving? Had I connected with my congregation on some deeper level? I wondered. As the number of tear-stained faces increased, however, I began to grow uneasy. After the service, I discovered that the Communion Steward had accidentally taken the wrong loaf of bread from the freezer. We had served jalapeno pepper bread that morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The young clerk at the supermarket's checkout counter was keeping his cool, even though many of the items had to be run repeatedly across the laser scanner. "That must be frustrating," one customer said. "Heck, no!" he replied. "That's the only challenge the job offers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Know Your Life Sucks When...  A black cat crosses your path and drops  dead.  You take an assertiveness training course  and you're afraid to tell your wife.  The candles on your cake set off your  smoke alarm.  Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.  You have to take out a loan just to get  money for the down payment.  Your children's school calls to surrender.  The bride's family throws rocks instead  of rice.  Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.  Your plants do better when you *don't* talk to them.  All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.  Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is impossible to tickle yourself. The cerebellum, a part of the brain, warns the rest of the brain that you are about to tickle yourself. Since your brain knows this, it ignores the resulting sensation. (But I know you won't take my word for it... go ahead.. tickle away... I know you want to) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young man named Paul bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead." Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway". The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Paul said, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But Paul, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Paul said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $698.00." Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" And Paul replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being  dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy." Paul grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Canada, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from Canadian voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen  money, most of them thought he was a great guy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a rich famous man went to buy an expensive sport's car from a car dealership... The price of the car was $80,000 and the man had only $79,998 to pay with... The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80,000. The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help... He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he would be kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the rich man the reason, and the rich man replied that he needed the money to buy a car. The poor man thought for a moment.  Then he gave the man $4 and said, "Please buy one for me, too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whoever said 'LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs. The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest. Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor. Rule Number Two: Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boon cap. Rule Number Three: The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dogflesh sleeps - breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself inches from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear. Rule Number Four: When the dog wakes - you wake. So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night - safe, contented, heavy and loud.   Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it  published in the New York Times.   Dear Sir:   I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.   By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.   I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.   You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.   My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.   I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become   From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.   My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.   Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.   I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.   Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.   In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.   I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further .   When you call me, press buttons as follows:   IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH   #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment. # 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. # 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. # 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. # 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home . #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. # 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. # 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. # 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.   While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.   Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year ? Your Humble Client   (Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE "US SENIORS" !!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,      "I almost had an affair with another woman."      The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"      The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed And rubbed together, but then I stopped."      The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.      You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail      Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."!     The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then      Walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then      Started to leave.    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw     That. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"    The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and    According to you, that's the same as putting it in!"   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.     Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father,      For I have sinned."     The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."     The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."      The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze      Seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."      The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"      The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~      An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:     Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many    Children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up    Two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had    Sex with each of them three times."    Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins?'    Man: "What sins?"   Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"    Man: "I'm Jewish."   Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"    Man: "I'm telling everybody!"    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like    a young girl for the night.    Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years    Old," he says.    "Ninety!" comments the madam "Don't you realize you've had it?"    "Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~      A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.     His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You 're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.     His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.    A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."    The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."    She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"    The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.   Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being   destroyed financially by this person?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat   on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car   and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said,   touched by her concern. "Oh, good," she continued. "So will   you be vacating your parking space now?"  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing   all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten   something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched   his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.   Yet the feeling persisted.   When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and   cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The fragrance department of a major New York City store where   I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models   move about the floor offering to spray customers with the   newest bouquet.   One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two   women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman com-   mented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied,   "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol   wears off."   "See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second   drink."    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   Rules of Good Housekeeping for 2007:       1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a Serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.       2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename The area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological Exemption.       3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful Filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of "5" and leave it alone.       4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the Bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out That the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"       5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread Magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui Aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when You say this.       6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways By claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play Animals for underprivileged children.       7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one Room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, Rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see Our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."       8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urnon the Coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter Her ashes..."       9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall With an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you Say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable = Accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."       10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four Cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened Rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself Into a chair, and sigh       "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."   Another past and future font attached.  You should have this one.

**** Quickies ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Speeds spike in Vegas

Faster layout draws mixed reaction from drivers in two-day test.

Story

Fisher back for more in IRL

Tour's first woman to run 12 of 17 races on 2007 schedule.

Story

Cup stars called to Vegas

Testing brings high speeds and crashes on track, yawns off it.

Story

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****