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| << January31, 2007 - The Daily Funnies |
February02, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.  Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers THURSDAY FEBUARY 1,2007 The Blondes at the university were tired of not
fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to
set up a
new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department. The Blondes were ecstatic to have a
department of
their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos after all, they now had their own department at the university. So they now all proudly wear the
official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Look at this mess!” roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut. “It’s just as you ordered it, sir,” the
waitress replied meekly. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Actual Newspaper Headlines"
"Crack Found on Governor's Daughter"
"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash"
"Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
" "Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Teacher Strikes Idle Kids"
"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last
Awhile"
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
"Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect
Homicide"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The caffeinated doughnut! This is sensational! This is the greatest invention since Gold Bond Medicated Powder. This took years of research. Scientists finally stopped wasting their time curing disease to get something important done. Finally, you can be restless and overweight." --Craig Ferguson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "There is a law waiting approval in the California legislature to ban spanking. The ironic part – if put into place the fine for spanking will be a slap on the wrist." --Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "After hitting record high temperatures earlier this month, New York has now hit a record low. It was 9 degrees in Central Park today. They're warning New Yorkers now not to leave their middle fingers exposed for more than a couple of seconds." --Jimmy Kimmel ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six- year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle. The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. "Good idea," said the other. So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In most of the northern states, there is a policy
of checking on any stalled vehicle. On the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below. One morning in March 2004
about 3 a.m. a Wyoming
state trooper responded to a call of noting that a car was off the shoulder outside of the town of Casper. The trooper located the car, with the engine still running, stuck in the deep snow along side the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer Walked to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty Bottle of vodka in the seat beside him. The trooper tapped on the
window and the driver
woke up. Seeing the rotating lights in His rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 mph but it was still stuck in the snow. The trooper, having a sense of Humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car. The driver was totally
freaked, thinking the
officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the trooper yelled at the man, ordering him to "pull over!" the driver obeyed, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the
drunken driver asked
about the trooper's special training and Just how he could possibly run 50 mph. The man was arrested,
still believing that a trooper had outrun his car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Quickies ****
"Wisdom From
Grandpa"
Whether a man winds up with
a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often
starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his
sugar.
Too many couples marry for
better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman,
they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which
one.
If a man has enough horse
sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old
nag.
On anniversaries, the wise
husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to
his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No
wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a
military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's
already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a
point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about
it.
Some people try to turn
back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've
traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you
didn't know how old you are?
Old age is when
former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize
you.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HEALTH NEWS
**** IT'S WEDNESDAY - THE LAST DAY OF THE FIRST MONTH OF THE YEAR
ALSO KNOWN AS "HUMP DAY" ...
AND ... Time to take a break and have few grins and
giggles. Grins, Giggles and Groaners exists with
one belief,. . .to spread laughter and joy to the world. We try
to make a little difference in everyone's day by bringing laughter and
smiles to you and the people around you. Sent to you "just for the fun
of it" with the hope you get a few chuckles or maybe a hearty
belly laff. • Feel free to pass 'em around!!! --- Thanks for letting
me bring you a few moments of fun.
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several
well-to-do guests attend. During the festivities, two gardeners are out
on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners
gardening, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other leaped up,
spun about, and gracefully swirled, seeming to dance
movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host,
"That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him a hundred pounds
to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics
class!"
When the host asked the first gardener about such an
arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Louie! Do you think for a hundred pounds
you could step on that rake again?'
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired
of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and
memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started
telling a dumb blondejoke. She interrupted him with a shrill
announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want
you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something
probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state
capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe
you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Emily received a phone call: ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Sue was telling me that her to-be-ex, a police officer,
asked the judge to please remind her to re-register a gun he'd given her in her
name. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ "McDonald's "breakfast for under a dollar" actually
costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass
surgery." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Look at the world around you, and you'll see God's
creativity; ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ A BUNCH OF QUICKIES & "ONE LINERS" A tourist from the city was visiting a quaint country
village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub. "And have
you
lived here all your life, sir?"
asked the tourist.
And the old man, with a wise look, said, "Not
yet."
Gilda Radner Quote...
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't
itch."
Q: In America, what's the difference between a
jury and a defendant?
A: At night they lock up the jury and let the
defendant go home.
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and
apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't
care.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
How is it one careless match can start a forest
fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of
matches?
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick
in the pants. When Jack Benny plays the violin," Fred Allen once remarked, "it sounds like the strings are still in the cat!" "Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate." My wife just got pregnant. She took seriously what was poked at her in fun. Old jokes never die. They just sound like they do. What's another word for "thesaurus"? Patience strengthens the spirit, sweetens the temper, stifles anger, subdues pride, and bridles the tongue. Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.” (Jeff Foxworthy) Woman to husband at breakfast
table:
"It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he
got his nose ring."
It is impolite to contradict a guest. Never insult
someone in your own house - always go to theirs.
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka
had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers,
the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics'
reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they
say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy
slipping the seeds into their pockets."
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an
oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now,"
she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the
front?" ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The
first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a
factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns
hell." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ The sheriff of a small town was also the town's
veterinarian. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Linda said: The preacher came to call the other day. He
said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ To laugh often and much; To win the respect of
intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of
honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a
healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know that even
one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have
succeeded. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night.
The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh
fish. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Blonde customer: Hey! This lumber has holes in
it. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success. ~ Henry Ford ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ As paramedics, my partner and I were dispatched to check
on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. We decided to take him to the
hospital for evaluation. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ My parents fell in love at first sight, and they've been in love for more than fifty-two years. My father has always been more of a tease than a romantic, and he has regaled us with tales of his exploits all our lives. For example, the first time he and my mother ever spoke to each other was after World War ll, after Daddy had just returned from Japan. He was driving through town when he saw my mother go into a furniture store. Pulling over, he jumped out of the car and slipped into the store right behind her. My mother, who was thinking about finding an apartment, asked the store owner to show her the twin bedroom set she had admired the week before. My father, a mere passing acquaintance, stepped up beside her and said, "Now Maude, we are not sleeping on twin beds." They were married three months later. At age seventy-eight, my father had open-heart surgery. My seventy-sis-year-old mother spent every night and day beside his bed. The first thing Daddy said when he could speak was one of the most romantic things I've ever heard. He said, "Maude, you know what that doctor found when he cut me open? He found your name engraved on my heart." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ One day Lucille Ball learned from her agent that
Columbia chief Harry Cohn was planning to offer her a trashy role in The Magic
Carpet (1951), which he expected her to turn down, thereby negating the contract
according to which he owed her another $85,000 for a final picture. Ball
astutely called his bluff. "I think it's a wonderful part," she declared. "I
never turn anything down." Though Cohn was furious, he was obliged to start
shooting the film, well aware that Ball's fee would consume the better part of
the budget. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ FRIEND: You don't look so good,
what's wrong?
HARRY: I got domestic
trouble.
FRIEND: But Harry you always said
your wife was a pearl.
HARRY: Yeah its the mother of
pearl that's the problem.
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
My friend, the manager of a
grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter
in the act. He was
escorting the suspect to the office in the
front, near the cash registers,
when the shoplifter broke from
his grip and tried to run
away.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned
him against the wall and looked
up to see a number of surprised
customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he
reassured them. "This guy just
tried to go through the express
line with more than nine items."
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥
"I think the political
correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he
was going to go play a game of Cattle
Management Specialists and Native
Americans."
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥
I was visiting a friend who
couldn't find her cordless phone. Afer
several minutes of searching, her
young daughter said, "You know what
they should invent? A phone
that stays connected to its base so it
never gets
lost."
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥
"Five rules for a man to have a
happy life"
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, is a good cook, cleans and has a well paying job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh and laughs at your jokes. 3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is superb in bed and who loves being with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other! ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥
As a distinguished matron
approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for
her "What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?" "Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing." ≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤ **** HEADS UP FOLKS
****
These Are My Causes Please Help
This is a link
for
FREE virus
protection
It is
excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue
Donation/Transplanation
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on
"donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate
mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass
it along to people you know.
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people
to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and
neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for
free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate
food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you
know!
A GREAT BIG THANK YOU FOR HELPING TO
SUPPORT THESE CAUSES.
YOU WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BELIEVE
ME!
≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave, but there's no need to be in the passing lane. ≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Which is the best
policy? Driving home from her office one
summer day, a woman noted that there were four places within two blocks of her
home where she could stop and buy a five-cent glass of iced tea.
Each little stand had two or three youngsters behind it, all eager to
serve any customer who came their way. During the next two
weeks, the woman managed to stop at each of the stands to encourage the
entrepreneurs. In each case the tea was very
good. Small talk revealed that all the youngsters were
selling tea made by their mothers, who used tea leaves and real lemons in making
the tea. One day the woman discovered that
only one stand was operating. Behind it was the new kid on
the block. She stopped and ordered a glass of
tea. It was served in a paper cup and it cost 10 cents.
Some conversation brought out the
fact that the young man's father was a lawyer who specialized in mergers, which
had inspired the boy to buy out his competitors, bartering with baseball cards,
marbles, and stuff he had laying around in his garage. His
first act, he explained, was to raise the price of the iced tea, and cut
costs. He was using a powdered tea mix from the supermarket,
he said, which eliminated buying real lemons as well as the bother of squeezing
them or putting them in the juicer. He didn't have to brew
real tea either, he pointed out. He had plans to cut costs
further, he said, and with his competitors out of the market, he expected sales
to grow. Intrigued, the woman made a half dozen more stops at
the stand and became aware that the tea was getting weaker and weaker.
One day the young man confessed that
sales were dropping and he attributed this to the fact that he was using less
and less of the powdered-tea mix.
Then one day he went out of
business, as attempts to turn things around failed.
The moral
of this story is: Honest tea is the best
policy. **** ON THIS DAY ****
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -1- Wiley Morris, Bluegrass singer/multi-instrumentalist born Old Fort, NC 1919. Mary Jane DeZurik, of the "DeZurik Sisters," and the "Cackle Sisters" born Royalton, MN 1917. Member Grand Ole Opry. Joe Hannah, "Sons of the San Joaquin" born Marshfield, MO 1932. Don Everly born Brownie, KY 1937. Inducted NSHF 2001, CMHF 2001, RHOF. Doctor Hook's Ray Sawyer, singer/songwriter/guitarist, born Chicksaw, AL 1937. Delano Floyd "Del" McCoury born Bakersville, NC 1939. IBMA Entertainer Year in 1996. The Del McCoury Band named IBMA Entertainer of the Year in 1994, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, and 2002. IBMA Male Vocalist of the Year in 1990, 1991, 1992, 1996. Joined the Grand Ole Opry 2003. Hank Thompson released "A Six Pack To Go," 1960. Charlie Rich released "Lonely Weekends," 1960. Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "Above And Beyond/Till These Dreams Come True" 1960. It peaked at No. 3. Lisa Marie Presley, Elvis' only child, was born 1968. Merle Haggard recorded "Today I Started Loving You Again" 1968. Johnny Cash performed at the Billy Graham Crusade in Las Vegas, Nevada, from the 1st through the 5th, in 1978. Julie Roberts, born Lancaster, SC 1979. Crystal Gayle's "The Sound of Goodbye," topped the charts 1984. The world famous "Jim Halsey Company," merged with the William Morris Agency, 1990. Jim Halsey is recognized world wide as an expert, in music business matters. Raymond Atkins, age 69, died 1997. Songwriter John Jarrard, age 47, died in Nashville from diabetes 2001.
WHITE SALSA FOR TORTILLA
CHIPS 1 1/2 pounds lean ground beef
1 beaten egg 1/2 teaspoon sage 1/2 cup Pet milk About 2 cups ritz crackers, crushed 1/4 cup onion 1/2 cup Swiss cheese, shredded (plus some extra) Salt and pepper Preheat oven to 350 degrees
F.
Mix all ingredients well; pat into
an oval loaf in a baking dish. Put the extra shredded Swiss cheese over top of
loaf. Bake for 1 hour. This meatloaf freezes well.
"Beef Stew"
3 cups cubed beef 1 onion 8 large cut potatoes 2 cups cut carrots 2 cups cut celery 1/2 cup all-purpose flour 1/4 cup margarine Salt to taste Brown beef and onion in flour. Put into crockpot.
Heat on LOW for 2 hours. Add vegetables and 1 cup tomato juice. Continue cooking
for 1 or 2 more hours. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Why do some people gain
weight as a result of quitting smoking? LAST CALL Y'ALL According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers.... and then there are educators. LIBBY Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
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