I noticed a young girl staring at the pig we had put on the barbecue spit, complete with an apple in its mouth. The girl's grandmother, obviously concerned about her reaction, knelt beside her and asked if she was okay.

Finally she said: "That's a shame, Grandma. They should at least have waited till he stopped eating."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his
pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had
enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very
busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to
private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase
going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr.
Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I
wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all
signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making
trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high
class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.

At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. "Now that's a doorbell!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A butcher just out of trade school applies for and gets a job in
northwest America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.
The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He
finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking
them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc.

When he finishes with the stiff he knows, he is left with a pile of
unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally
puts them all into one bag and labels them.....moosellanious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined to give me a very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and started wearing it ‘What are you doing?’ I asked.

‘Well’ he replied, ‘if you are going to be formal. So am I.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from
two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was
concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could
live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently
declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero!
We woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My cold
husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house
warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida
for the winter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A patient complained to his doctor,
"I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your
diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy,
then they'll see that I was right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the owner of a clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.

When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It’s apple juice," he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband's family owned and operated a bakery. Shortly after we were married, my sister-in-law, Monica, came for a visit. She was planning on staying for a week. One day while we were chatting, I asked, "Monica, do you think you could make us one of your scrumptious pumpkin pies?"

"No, I couldn't," she said. Seeing the hurt look on my face, she continued, "I could make you 50, but not one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. "The wife
hasn't spoken with me for six months."

Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make
sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ..  CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter!  Oh Good Grief!  You're
cooking too many at once.  TOO MANY! Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh Good Grief !  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!

Careful ...  CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!  Never!
Turn them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind?  Don't
forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use the
salt.  USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

 "What on earth is wrong with you?  You think I don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?

The husband leaned over and calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband to wife: "I'm feeling so depressed today."

Wife: "Why, Honey?"

Husband: "It's just that sometimes I feel so alone and useless."

Wife: "Oh, you don't have to feel so alone. A lot of people think you're useless."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates.St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer's down.You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but
you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
       The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky mountains.""So be it," says St. Peter, and off
flies the first priest.
           The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
          "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."
  "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud."
             "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest
disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells
St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating
them, He asks.?"
            "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one
could prove to be more difficult."  "Why?" asketh the Lord.
       "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our anthropology professor at the University of Pennsylvania explained that highways often followed landscape features laid down by glaciers. Since both early man and even-earlier animals found food and water at the foot of these glaciers, anthropologists sometimes served on highway projects in order to identify any bones or artifacts found during construction.

In fact, my professor went on, partial remains of a dinosaur had been found beside the excavations for Interstate 95.

Looking around the class, his eyes fell on a fine football player but indifferent student who slept through most of his classes. "Well," the professor asked, "how would you account for this dead dinosaur beside Interstate 95?"

Startled, the newly awakened student replied: "I don't know, sir. Perhaps he was hit by a truck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eighty five year-old widow, Betty, went on a blind date with
90-year-old John.  When she returned to her daughter's house later that
night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"What!? You mean John got fresh with you, mom?"

"No, no, no!" she answered . .


         "I thought he was dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Last Minute Valentine Advice

Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.

Don't give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.

Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.

Don't tell your date you forgot your wallet again.

Don't buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.

Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go get a room."

"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 About eight years ago, in the hallway of the felony court, I happened to meet a Detroit police officer I knew, whose duty was as a court officer in the lower court. I asked him what he was doing there. My friend told me that he was a witness in a robbery case. Two armed men had robbed a homeowner in Detroit. They had knocked on the door of the house. When the owner came to the door, they went into the "your-money-or-your-life" routine. The homeowner said he would get the money and closed and locked the door. He retrieved some money, opened the door, and gave it to the robbers. While I was laughing, my friend says, "Wait, it gets better!"

The homeowner called the police, who arrested one of the robbers. At the culprit's preliminary examination (to determine whether there is enough evidence to charge the defendant with a felony), the homeowner is asked to identify the defendant. This was in my friend's courtroom, and why he was a witness in the felony court. The prosecutor says to the homeowner, "Do you see either of the men who robbed you in court, today?" The victim says, "Yes, one of the men is sitting at the counsel table with his attorney, wearing a grey sweater. . . . and the other one is sitting there in the audience."

Sure, enough, the idiot had come to court for his accomplice's hearing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out
making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there
was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to
borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station
for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can
he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was
sure it would be back shortly.


Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait
and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something
to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was
taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the
station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she
was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "If that
car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."

Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson happened to be about.

He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything about the quiet country inn where we were dining was wonderful - the view, the service, the food. To complete a perfect meal, the dessert menu featured deep-dish apple pie served with a slice of cheese, a personal favorite. "Is it old cheese?" I asked our waitress.

"Oh, no, sir," she exclaimed, a look of horror on her face. "I'm sure they just opened the package."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order to deliver at your home address, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with the delivery boy.

(Reader’s Digest).

**** ON THIS DAY ****

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What is kosher salt? Is it better for you than regular salt?

 Sodium chloride -- aka salt -- is a crystalline compound that comes from the oceans. Salt can be harvested from seawater through evaporation, or it can be mined from inland deposits left by ancient oceans. Most salt we use in our kitchens and dining rooms is mined, except salt sold as "sea salt," which comes from seawater.

Different types of salt are created during the refining process. Some varieties include additives that make them flow freely through salt shakers, and others have added iodine, which can prevent hypothyroidism. Most are ground into very fine grains, but a few types are left in a more natural form made of large, rocky crystals. Fine-grained salts include table salt, iodized salt, pickling salt, and popcorn salt. Rock salt and kosher salt are coarse-grained. Sea salt can be found in both fine and coarse forms. While all of these taste, well, salty, the degree of saltiness and the precise flavor can vary.

Kosher salt usually has no additives, and it has big crystals with large surface areas. This size and shape allows it to absorb more moisture than other forms of salt, and this makes kosher salt excellent for curing meats. That is essentially where the name comes from. The salt itself is not kosher, meaning it doesn't conform to Jewish food laws, but this salt is used to make meat kosher. The Jewish holy book, the Torah, prohibits consumption of any blood, which is why kosher meat must be slaughtered and prepared in a specific manner. A common way of removing the final traces of blood from meat is to soak and salt it.

That's not the only use for kosher salt, however. The flavor is distinct from ordinary table salt, and some cooks prefer to use it in all their cooking. Like other coarse salts, kosher salt can be used in recipes that call for a salt crust. You can even use it to salt the edge of a margarita glass.

Nutritionally speaking, kosher salt is no different than table salt, although it does not provide iodine. The human body needs salt to regulate the electrolyte balance inside and outside of its cells. But studies have shown that diets low in salt lower a person's blood pressure. As with many health issues, scientists and doctors don't universally agree on the health benefits and problems related to salt intake.





****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin

LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
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