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Subject: The Daily Funnies - February07, 2007



From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


WEDNESDAY FEBUARY 7,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned
into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get
hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my
sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms
again.
Your loving wife.
PS: Your girlfriend called...
 
"Hey, you know what's fun to do if the game's a little slow?  
I like to look at the quarterback and then try to figure out  
which one will be the big, fat, bald announcer in five years."  
 --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Tonight is an anniversary for Paul and myself. Twenty-five  
years ago tonight we stared back at NBC. I'd still be there,  
but they caught me making personal calls." Dave Letterman 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Food addicts are the people I feel sorriest for because  
that's really hard. You need to eat. You don't need to do  
drugs. Very hard for these people to quit. "I'm going cold  
turkey... mmmmm turkey. Do not think about food... do not  
think about food... do not... nuts..." --Craig Ferguson   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was  
a suggestion on how to clean it. Although nice to have the  
option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it. My toilet seat,  
it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set--top quality. The  
accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story.  
On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening  
with sharp object may damage this product."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry
begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a
statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you
were near the scene - what happened ?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the
mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his
pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the
company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a
match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would
have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After about three weeks in basic training, my husband's unit was not
measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all
back three weeks to start over. Apparently, at least one new soldier was
already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung
in the air, an anonymous voice called out, "How about sending us back
FOUR weeks?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to
Alaska--a trip that the husband had long dreamed of
taking.  He kept talking about how great it would be
to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt
moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.  "If we
decided to live there permanently, away from
civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked
his wife.

She replied, "You."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our son, who's in the Army stationed in Georgia, invited my husband and
me for a visit. After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in
search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're
getting closer." "How do you know?" I asked. He pointed to a sign that
read, "Sonny's Bar-B-Q--Tank Parking Available."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he  
noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million  
American Women Want."  

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing  
through the pages.  

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're  
doing?"  

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my  
name right."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sally purchased an answering machine with a prerecorded message that
used a male voice. She chose not to record a new message. The next
Saturday she was "screening" her calls. The phone rang and the machine
answered... After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up.
The phone rang a second time -- the same result. Then the phone rang a
third time, and the person said: "This is your mother, I think. If I am,
please call me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm...
He asks an attorney, "If I give you $300 per hour to help answer two
legal questions I have, will you help me?"
The attorney aswers, "Sure, what's the other question?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man has not been feeling well and goes to the doctor for
a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests
and X-rays, he asks the doctor about his situation. The doctor replies,
"You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four
months." The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you
don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion." "Okay," the
doctor answers, "you're ugly, too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Margaret had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown.
She hailed one down, got in and told the cabbie the
address to go to. 

The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver and
Margaret sat in the backseat clutching the door handle
wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. 

The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets,
weaving in and out of traffic.  Margaret watched as
one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid
being run down by her lunatic driver.

Margaret looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on
the narrow street.  Not only did the driver fail to
slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached
the truck.  He slipped his cab through the available
space with an inch or two to spare on either side.

"Driver," Margaret screamed, "Are you crazy?? Are you
trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax lady," he said.  "Just do what I do.  Close
your eyes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets
him at the gate and says, You've been a good
cat all of these years. Anything you desire is
yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, '
Well, I lived all my life with poor family on a farm
and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy
pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic
accident and they go to Heaven. God meets
them at the gate with the same offer that He
made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run.
We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women
with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller
skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse
is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see
how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on
his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says...
Oh, I've never been happier in my life........
And those Meals on Wheels you've been
sending over are the best.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased
a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his
work shop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day
of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full
day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the
street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they past. Day
after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding
out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor
Uncle Rusty just couldn't take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As
they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on the
cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a
lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express
themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your
age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The
kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash
cans.

After two days, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad _expression on his face. "This recession's really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on,
I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and
continued their afternoon concert. A couple of days later, Sly
Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down
the street.

With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from
that day forward he said "Look, my Social Security check just
isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to be
able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay?"

"What?! Just a crummy quarter?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think
we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

**** Quickies ****

Sign at a propane filling station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
~
On the church questionnaire, the elderly lady filled out all but at the address when it came to 'zip,' she wrote, 'Normal for my age.'
~
A chrysanthemum by any other name would be much easier to spell.
~
Why is it that whenever we bounce a check, the bank will charge us more of what they already know we don't have?
~
Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in no time, but cannot understand the workings of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner?
~
In 2006 someone will figure out that the National Debt
has gotten so huge that no one can even pronounce the
number.

It will then be paid off with a 3.9% Visa Card.
~
If you want a spouse who is smart, rich and
devoted...you're gonna have to get married three
times.
~
Jill:  What's wrong, Mary?  Haven't you found Mr.
Right yet?

Mary:  I haven't found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr.
Cheap, Mr. Sleazy, and Mr. Wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I
feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is
it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find
anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the
lush. "I'll come back when you sober up."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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*****Fred.....The Ole Fritbear!!!*****


Welcome to The Funnies
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We begin with an Adorable Piece ... sure to bring you a few chuckles. ••• Thanks o Gene in New Mexico!!!

Sooooooo adorable!!  Enjoy!!
 
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, th en when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billi ngs

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate
-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few p
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.

"One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn"

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After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military 
assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany 
with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.  Collecting our many 
suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.  A young 
customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, 
"do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh.  "They're all mine."

 The customs agent began his interrogation:  "Ma'am, do you have any 
weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

 "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, 
I would have used them by now."

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A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to
raise cattle.  Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a
name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the
Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W,
and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into
your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of
minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a
little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you
tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink
booties and I've got blue ones."

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A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake
a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut
off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked
her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know--it's what
my mother always did. But I can ask her."

She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do
it, so I did the same."

They decided to check further, so the young bride then called
Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to
fit into my pan."

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Why Cats Are Better Than Men
-----------------------------------
A cat always hits the litterbox.

You have a better chance of training a cat.

You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

If you ask enough times, a cat may actually LISTEN to you.

You can de-claw a cat... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks He is.

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One-Liners
-------------------
"When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, 
sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when 
we found out there was a bus. --Brian Auten

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was 
getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same 
station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is 
looking." --Henry Louis Mencken

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax

Why did the banks use all that space and money to construct 
so many teller stations, then never have more than two or 
three in use?


Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony 
of defeat. --Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I
came back the entire area was missing.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to
paint it.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
because that means it's going to be up all night.
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**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

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  "Heeeeeeey!"

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual
findings he had made.  "For instance," he said, "some whales can
       communicate at a distance
 of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" 
        asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds
something like this: "Heeeeeeey!  Can you hear me nowwww!"""????

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Subject: My resume FROM GENE IN NEW MEXICO

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice
factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I 
just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just
wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew
job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but 
that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a
little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.

6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I
sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. 

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found
I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I
didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I 
just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool
Maintenance Company, but the work was just too 
draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they
said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I
finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized 
there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT
FOR THE JOB!  LIFE IS GOOD!! 

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ANOTHER GREAT CLASSIC - 

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a 
private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one 
of the benches rings.  One of the men picks it up, and the 
following conversation ensues:

 "Hello?"

 "Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

 "Yes."

 "Great!  I am at the mall two blocks from where you are.  
I just saw a beautiful mink coat.  It's absolutely gorgeous!! 
 Can I buy it?"

 "What's the price?"

 "Only $1,500.00."

 "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

 "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and 
saw the 2001 models.  I saw one I really liked.  I spoke 
with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... 
and since we need to exchange the BMW that  we bought last 
year ... "

 "What price did he quote you?"

 "Only $60,000 ... "

 "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 "Great!  But before we hang up, something else ... "

 "What?"

 "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank 
account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this 
morning and saw the  house we had looked at last year.  
It's on sale!!  Remember?  The one with a pool, English 
Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ..."

 "How much are they asking?"

 "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we 
have that much in the bank to cover ... "

 "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.  OK?"

 "OK, sweetie ... Thanks!  I'll see you later!!  I love you!!!"

 "Bye ... I do too ... "

 The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises 
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

 "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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During a practical exercise at a military police base, the 
instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed 
self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which 
they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps 
would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, 
sharp knife?"

The student replied, "Great BIG ones."

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤

The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about 
symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc, when she 
interrupted him,

"Hey look, I'm a vet and I don't need to ask my patients 
these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by 
looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, 
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, 
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have 
to put you to sleep."

≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation 
drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," 
said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. 

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the 
same way 'Take a clean dish and....'"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably 

don't have any sense at all!

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy 

of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them! 

Remember,it is easier to get older

than it is to get wiser. . . .

≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

**** Reader's Submissions ****

WARM HEARTS
By: Joseph J. Mazzella

The cold weather of Winter returned to the mountains of my home
recently. Several inches of fresh snow fell again covering the
landscape in white. Steam rose from my breath as I walked my dogs
outside. A quiet peace filled the woods around me as I smiled and
breathed in deep the chill of the air. I didn't mind that my nose
was numb and my fingers felt like ice. I didn't mind that my feet
were cold and my lips were chapped. I didn't even mind that my
middle-aged bones were aching a bit. I didn't mind any of it,
because my heart was warm. My heart was warm with the beauty of the
evening sunset over the far mountains. My heart was warm with the
delight of watching my dogs jumping joyfully in the snow. My heart
was warm with the peace and love of God that I felt within me and
all around me while I walked over this sparkling field of white.
I was thinking too that if God can keep our hearts warm in the
middle of a cold Winter's day then God can keep our hearts warm in
the middle of a sometimes cold world. Yes, this world is often full
of heart freezing hate, bone chilling apathy, and bitterly cold
meanness. Sometimes we worry about even going out in it for fear
that it will turn our own souls to ice. God's love, however, is
always there waiting to keep us warm and waiting to help us warm the
world around us as well.
God loves us so much. He gives us so much peace, love, joy, beauty,
and delight to warm our hearts, souls, and minds. He gives us so
many opportunities to choose and share this glorious warmth everyday
of our lives. He gives us all the chance to be one with Him and to
help Him bring this warmth to the world. It is up to us, however. We
can wrap ourselves and others in the warm coat of God's love and joy
or we can continue to shiver out in the cold
.


**** ON THIS DAY ****


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

TV duties suit Petty
Hiestand: NASCAR vet will offer in-car commentary at Sonoma.
Drivers' futures on edge
Lack of NASCAR pension has stars looking out for themselves.
Life after racing tough on Ard
With no pension plan, former Busch champ feeling forgotten.

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-7-

Moran Lee "Dock" Boggs, early recording artist, born West Norton, VA 1898.

"Austin" Ambrose Allen, of the Allen Brothers, born Sewanee, TN 1901.

Wilma Lee Cooper born, Valley Head, WV 1921.

Warren Smith, SUN recording artist, born Humphreys County, MS 1933.

"Donna" Laverne Stoneman, born Alexandria, VA 1934.

Tony Booth born Tampa, FL 1943.

Marty Robbins, "Mr. Teardrop," joined the Grand Ole Opry 1953.

Jim Reeves, "Gentleman Jim," recorded "Four Walls," for RCA 1957.

Johnny Cash's "Ballad Of A Teenage Queen," topped the charts 1958.

Garth Brooks, born "Troyal Garth Brooks" Tulsa, OK 1962.

Patsy Clines last recording session was held at Bradley's Barn in 1963. Patsy died in a plane crash on May 5, 1963.

Buck Owens released "Roll Out The Red Carpet" 1966.

Moran Lee "Dock" Boggs, died on his birthday 1971.

John Conlee joined the Grand Ole Opry 1981.

Waylon Jennings and Johnny Cash appeared on the David Letterman Show 1985.

Pie Plant Pete "Claude J. Moye," star of the WLS National Barn Dance, died 1988.

Dale Evans, age 88, widow of Roy Rogers, died in California 2001. Dale wrote "The Bible Tells Me So" and Roy's theme song "Happy Trails To You." Member National Cowgirl Hall Of Fame.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Tuesday, February 6, 2007 – Marty Stuart has been tapped to host the 9th Annual Grammy Foundation Music Preservation Project, "The Soul of Country," on Thursday, Feb. 8 in Los Angeles. "The Soul of Country" celebrates the history of country music with performances and appearances by new and old Grammy winners and nominees.

Stuart, who is nominated this year for "Best Bluegrass Album" for "Live at the Ryman," will also play an unplugged solo mandolin performance, before he welcomes special guests including Deana Carter, Shooter Jennings and the .357's, Joe Nichols, Charley Pride, LeAnn Rimes and Porter Wagoner. Also in attendance will be Solomon Burke, Academy Award nominee Terrence Howard, Carrie Underwood, and Recording Academy and Grammy Foundation President Neil Portnow.

"Country music is America's music," said Stuart. "For the Grammy Foundation to recognize its cultural impact is an award within itself. I'm honored to be a part of such an event."

"The Soul of Country" will showcase footage from the archives of the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum and will celebrate the contributions of country music to the American cultural landscape. The event will feature highlight films from the Grand Ole Opry and live musical performances.  

Tuesday, February 6, 2007 – After an 11-year absence, Reba McEntire is returning to CMA Fest.

McEntire last participated in the June event in 1996 when Fan Fair was still at the Tennessee State Fairgrounds and audiences were capped at 25,000 people due to space limitations. "I am thrilled for the opportunity to perform at the CMA Music Festival," said McEntire. "It's been 11 years since I've had a chance to be in Nashville for this amazing week, and the CMA has done a great job of growing the event during that time. I'm looking forward to being a part of it all once again."

"Reba McEntire is a true trailblazer, having elevated Country Music's profile throughout her career while being a successful actress, charitable spokesperson, and respected businesswoman," said CMA Fest Chief Operating Office Tammy Genovese. "We are excited to welcome her back to CMA Music Festival."

The festival will be held Thursday through Sunday, June 7-10, in downtown Nashville.

The lineup of artists includes Jason Aldean; Little Big Town; Martina McBride; Sugarland; The Wreckers, in their debut appearance at the fest and current CMA Female Vocalist of the Year and Horizon Award winner Carrie Underwood.

Other artists scheduled to perform include Bomshel, Catherine Britt, Luke Bryan, Sonny Burgess, Carolina Rain, Eric Church, Cole Deggs & the Lonesome, Heartland, Jypsi, Carolyn Dawn Johnson, Blaine Larsen, The Lost Trailers, Neal McCoy, The Oak Ridge Boys, Jamie O'Neal, Jake Owen, Danielle Peck, Pirates of the Mississippi, Pam Tillis, and Chris Young. Additional artists will be announced in the coming weeks.

"The Country Music industry first welcomed me into their community at the CMA Music Festival in 2005, and since then, my peers and my fans have been so gracious," said Underwood. "I cannot wait to see my fans and meet and create new ones at this year's event. See you in June!"

"Last year's stadium performance during CMA Music Festival was one of the true highlights of my summer," says Aldean. "The energy from all the fans was electric. I look forward to doing it again in 2007."

"Country Music fans are so loyal and CMA Music Festival is the greatest way for us to reach them - the most dedicated fans in the world," said Kimberly Roads of Little Big Town. "We look forward to that special week in June every year when we get to say 'Thank you' to them personally for their support."

"We have such great fans who stayed through the rain last year to see us play," exclaimed Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland. "This year we are excited to have a chance to play a full set in good weather for all those fans who stayed and those who were rained out!"

The festival will be held Thursday through Sunday, June 7-10, in downtown Nashville.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007 – Toby Keith will put out "Big Dog Daddy," his second disc on his own label, in June 12. This marks the first album that Keith will oversee as the sole producer.

Keith also took on a lot of the vocals - lead and background - on the album including all of the vocals on the debut single, "High Maintenance Woman."

Already playing it in concert, "High Maintenance Woman," will be out as a single Feb. 12.


1950s singer Frankie Laine dies at 93

LOS ANGELES - Frankie Laine, the big-voiced singer whose string of hits made him one of the most popular entertainers of the 1950s, died Tuesday. He was 93.

Laine died of heart failure at Mercy Hospital in San Diego, Jimmy Marino, Laine's producer of more than a dozen years, told The Associated Press.

"He was one of the greatest singers around," Marino said. "He was one of the last Italian crooners type."

With songs such as "That's My Desire," "Mule Train," "Jezebel," "I Believe" and "That Lucky Old Sun," Laine was a regular feature of the Top Ten in the years just before rock 'n' roll ushered in a new era of popular music.

Somewhat younger listeners may remember him best for singing the theme to the television show "Rawhide," which ran from 1959 to 1966, and the theme for the 1974 movie "Blazing Saddles."

He sold more than 100 million records and earned more than 20 gold records.

"He will be forever remembered for the beautiful music he brought into this world, his wit and sense of humor, along with the love he shared with so many," Laine's family said in a statement.

Laine said his musical influences included Bing Crosby, Al Jolson and jazz artists including Bessie Smith, Louis Armstrong and Billie Holliday.

"When people nowadays say that Elvis was the first white guy to sound black, I have to shake my head; what can you do?" he said in a 1987 interview. "At the time of 'That's My Desire,' they were saying that I was the only white guy around who sounded black."

He occasionally recorded songs by country singers, such as "Hey Good Lookin'" and "Your Cheatin' Heart" by Hank Williams. In 2004 he released an album called "Nashville Connection."

Laine's variety show "Frankie Laine Time" ran for two summers, 1955 and 1956, on CBS, and he also appeared in films including "When You're Smiling," and "Sunny Side of the Street."

He had a top 25 hit on the Billboard charts in 1969 with "You Gave Me a Mountain," a song written by Marty Robbins.

Laine was born Frank LoVecchio on March 30, 1913, in Chicago, the son of a barber who emigrated from Sicily.

He struggled from his teens until well into his 30s — even having to earn a living as a marathon dancer — before hits began coming his way with "That's My Desire" in 1947. His breakthrough came when Hoagy Carmichael heard him sing in a Los Angeles nightclub and praised his work.

"People like to say, 'Oh, I wouldn't change a thing,'" he said in an interview for the book "Off the Record: An Oral History of Popular Music." "But if I had it to do over again, there is one thing I would change. I would make it happen maybe 10 years sooner.

"Ten years is a good stretch of scuffling. But I scuffled for 17 years before it happened, and 17 is a bit much."

In recent years, he remained active in touring and in charity fundraising. Punning on the title of one of his hits, he called his 1993 autobiography "That Lucky Old Son."

He was married to Nan Grey, a leading lady in Hollywood films of the 1930s who died in 1993.

Survivors include his second wife, Marcia; a brother; and two daughters.



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

PB BROWNIE PIZZA DESSERT  

1  9 x 13 inch pan size brownie mix  

Filling:  
8 oz. package cream cheese, softened  
1/3 C. brown sugar  
1/3 C. peanut butter  
  
Topping:  
1/2 C. chopped peanuts  
1/2 package (about 15) miniature peanut butter cups, chopped  

DIRECTIONS:  
Bake brownie mix as directed on package. Cool completely. Mix  
cream cheese, brown sugar and peanut butter until smooth and  
spread over cooled brownies. Sprinkle chopped peanuts and peanut  
butter cups on top of the cheese mixture. Before serving,  
drizzle top of dessert with chocolate syrup. Keep refrigerated.  
Makes at least 24 bars, but could be cut smaller.
 


CROCK POT STEW
 
1 lb. hamburger, browned
1 can tomato soup
1 can vegetable beef soup
1 1/2 c. water
2 stalks celery, chopped
3 carrots, thinly sliced
5 med. potatoes, peeled & chunked or sliced
1/2 lg. onion, diced
1/2 tsp. chili powder
Salt to taste
Dash of garlic powder & pepper

Combine all ingredients in crock pot. Cook until vegetables are tender, (usually 6 hours). Can be cooked on stove top. Cooking time will be considerably shorter.



**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What is in Irish coffee?

 Irish Coffee, or so the lore would have it, was invented at Foynes, the precursor of Shannon Airport in the west of Ireland as a warmer for trans- Atlantic travellers in the 1950s.

A classic Irish coffee consists exclusively of hot coffee, Irish whiskey and sugar, with cream (proper cream, not "Irish cream") floated on top. It is made as follows:

* 1/2 to 1 teaspoon of brown suger in a cup.

* 2-3 tablespoons of Irish Whiskey

* Top the cup up with strong coffee.

* Pour on fresh cream gently over the back of a spoon or some people use whipped cream

The sugar is necessary, or the cream will not float.





****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Have you ever thought
that life is a car wash and you are on a bike?



LAST CALL Y'ALL

Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to
the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided
to phone home to see what the
situation was and maybe even apologize.

"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"

"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things
you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making
for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."

Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm
not coming home."


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME
  

The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web
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please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.

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