SAMSON! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been!

DAVID! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

ABRAHAM! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

SHADRACH, MESHACH AND ABEDNEGO! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!

CAIN! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

NOAH! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

GIDEON! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes!

JAMES AND JOHN! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!

JUDAS! Have you been in my purse again?

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One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated warnings, and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated. After what must have been the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice to declare, "All right! The next person who talks is going to be severely castigated."

The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a girl in the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you going to do that to a girl?"

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Totally Twisted Proverbs

A 4th grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what they came up with:

Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader

Strike while the bug is close.

It's always darkest before daylight savings time

Never underestimate the power of termites.

You can lead a horse to water but how?

Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

No news is impossible.

A miss is as good as a Mr.

You can't teach an old dog math.

If you lie down with dogs, you will stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the pigs

Where there is smoke, there's pollution.

A penny saved is not much.

Two is company, three's The Musketeers.

None are so blind as Helen Keller.

If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.

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A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?"

To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

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The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.

Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."

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Little 5 year old Johnny from the city was visiting the farm for the first time and the owner was excited about showing him how milk was extracted from the cow. Little Johnny watched eyes wide open as he saw the milk coming out and when the owner offered him to drink a glass of freshly extracted milk, little Johnny gasped and said, ''Oh no thank-you sir I don't drink milk that comes the cow I only drink milk that comes from the store.''

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Ma'am, I think your husband has had enough to drink. He just slid under the table.

No, my husband just walked in the door.

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For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I can't get out until you do."

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I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it, can't eat it, can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera: "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Goodbye."

><><><><<>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>\Actual headlines.......

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found

After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

Deer Kill 17,328

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free - Just send $6.00.

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I love the way my cats stare at me. It's this long, penetrating, accusing glare like they've got some dirt on me, "I know you steal from work, I've seen the pens with the company name on them. Here are my demands: Fancy Feast only, no store brands, or I'm on the phone to management."

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A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too- talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."

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Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

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In the cafeteria on the first day of spring semester at Kent State University, I saw three students hard at work on their calculators. Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their assignment was.

One girl looked at me and replied, "We're figuring out how many days until spring break."

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An American tourist in Canada celebrated the President's Day by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.

"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.

"Not guilty!" replied the accused.

"How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk," the judge said.

"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I did."

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One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!,"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

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A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.

To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was:

"I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

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They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference fee includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

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**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****

These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection

http://avast.com

It is excellent.  I use it myself

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 

http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"

for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate

sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram

in exchange for advertising.

 Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

&

The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota

of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go

to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate

sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange

for advertising. 

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.co <><><><><><><><><><<>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

At first I was reluctant to forward this.  I do not wish to offend 
anyone.  But, I found this piece to be very moving and wanted to 
share it.  The artwork alone is worth a look, I think.

Please let me know if I have over stepped my  bounds in anyway.

Fred

Begin forwarded message:

From: "otchurch" <otchurch@hotmail.com>
 Date: February 16, 2007 10:41:46 AM CST
 To: off-the-church-walls-2007@yahoogroups.com
> Subject: [Humor] Young Artist
 Reply-To: off-the-church-walls-2007-owner@yahoogroups.com
>
 Wow, watch this 3 minute CNN clip... It is Amazing! To have this  
type of  unquestionable faith and connection to God and be able to  
express it in  her art, is the ultimate level of awareness one  
could ever hope for. You ought to watch and listen to this young girl.

 http://tinyurl.com/yxewot
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If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

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Valentines Day With Three Old Men

Carol Roach

I recently wrote about the paper valentine cutouts we all received as children in elementary school.  In my day, many children were disappointed because only the popular students benefited from the exchange. There were unpopular kids who never got any at all; getting one from the teacher did not count, she gave to everyone. Yet, we were taught that Valentines Day was all about love.

We were too young to understand the romantic side of love in relationship to Valentines Day, but we were not immune to what we saw in magazines and on TV.  By the time I was 12, I saved my allowance to buy my grandmother chocolates on Valentines Day.  I always loved to give and show my love.

The peer pressure mounted in high school when again the popular girls boasted about the boxed chocolates, perfume, or flowers they received from their boyfriends on this “love day.”  My friend Maxine and I just listened; as life and love seemed to be passing us by.  Maxine was the type of person to take it all in stride, while I seethed with envy.  Here I was 16 year old, and I never had a boyfriend .  I felt so unloved and unwanted. 

Life did get better; by the time I was 20 I had a boyfriend who proposed to me on Valentines Day.  We didn’t need a big engagement party; we didn’t have the money for it anyhow. We did have love and we had each other.  The mighty arrow of Cupid finally caught us both and I was the happiest person in the world. Unfortunately, cupid’s potion wore off and I was divorced four years later.

In total, I spent 23 years alone without a real Valentine Day’s celebration.  I longed for cupid’s arrow to once again penetrate my heart.  During all that time, the closest I came happened the last year of my Master’s program.  I spent Valentines Day with three old men; Aristotle, Plato, and Socrates.  I had to write a philosophy paper, and Valentines Day was just as good a day as any other to work on it.  I did not have any hot plans with a handsome man to be happy about.  It had been many years since any man cared about me in that special way.

The following year in 1998, I did have a boyfriend for a short time; the time was so short that I am embarrassed to mention it.  We were dating for exactly three weeks when Valentines Day rolled around.  I waited patiently all day to hear from him, and when I didn’t, I started calling his cell phone.  Finally he returned my call at 11:00 that evening, to tell me that he was up at his cottage, north of Montreal. 

The weather was so bad that his water pipes broke.  I was disgusted, upset, and very hurt. Since we were dating for such a short period of time, I felt he would want to be with me at all cost.  I also felt that I did not know him well enough yet to determine if his story was true or not. We argued over the phone and one thing lead to another, resulting in the termination of our relationship that evening. just before Valentines Day was officially over.  Ironically, while some people find their love on Valentines Day, I lost mine.

In 1999, I met Matt who became the love of my life.  Matt remembers all my special occasions: Christmas, New Years, my birthday.  But more importantly he remembers me everyday of the year.  He loves me. He shows it all the time; not just Valentines Day.  He taught me that everyday is Valentines Day between lovers.

The childish ideas of love are behind me now.  I embrace the mature feelings of real love this Valentines Day, and every other day of the year.

Friday, February 16, 2007 – Kenny Chesney will deny on a "60 Minutes" segment to air Sunday that he is gay. Questions arose after the annulment of his marriage to actress Renee Zellweger cited "fraud" as the reason.

In the show, Chesney says, "It's not true. Period. Maybe I should have come out and said, 'No, I'm not (gay),' but I didn't want to draw any more attention to it...I didn't have to prove to anybody that I wasn't (gay). I didn't feel like I really did."

Gretchen Wilson raises $160K

Thursday, February 15, 2007 – Gretchen Wilson went back to her roots to perform at smaller venues and raise money for charity last week. Five dates in five cities netted more than $163,000 for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital and Make-A-Wish Foundation.

"This is how I grew up, singing in bars. I miss that intimacy," said Wilson. "I've loved playing stadiums and arenas, don?t get me wrong, but when you are in a club you can actually see and touch the fans. Their reaction to the music is immediate. The biggest bonus, though, is to be able to raise money for some very worthwhile organizations."

Wilson kicked off the week in Austin, partnering with KASE radio at Graham Central Station to raise money for Make-A-Wish. The next stop was Albuquerque for a KRST listener lunch and performance at a local restaurant and an evening performance at Graham Central Station with KBQI which benefited St. Jude. She spent the next day in Oklahoma City performing intimate acoustic concert for listeners of KTST and KXXY radio.

In Little Rock, Ark., the fire marshal started turning fans away after 2,000 people had entered the Clear Channel Metroplex to see Wilson play KSSN's St. Jude fundraiser. Blocked and backed up streets and fist fights ensued among the throngs of fans who were turned away at the door. "This was the biggest promotion we have ever done here," said Clear Channel Regional VP of Programming Phil Hunt. "There were fights, traffic jams, lives threatened and police called at every location where tickets were distributed. People wanted to see Gretchen Wilson in concert."

She wrapped up the tour Friday night with a sold-out event at the Gibson Beale Street Showcase in Memphis. The event drew 600-plus fans who donated $108,000 to St. Jude.

"This was one of the most fun weeks I've had since this rocket took off three years ago," said Wilson. "These folks have supported me from day one, and to be able to go back, say thanks and raise some money at the same time has been amazing."

Wilson's third album, will hit stores in early spring with the first single "Come to Me."

Hank Williams Jr. files for divorce

Associated Press

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- Country star Hank Williams Jr. has filed for divorce
from his wife, Mary Jane, claiming she has a problem with addiction, he said in
a statement Friday.

"Today is one of the toughest days in my life. My family has lived with the pain of Mary Jane's addiction over the last several years and I have exhausted all efforts in the rehabilitation process," Williams said in a statement e-mailed to The Associated Press by his publicist, Kirt Webster.

"Today, I've decided for the sake of my children to create a healthier home environment during their formative years. All families experience difficulties, I hope everyone will respect our privacy during this time," Williams said.

Mary Jane Williams is a former model who met the singer after a concert in 1985 and they married in July 1990. They have a son and daughter together, while Hank Jr. has three children from his previous three marriages.

The grounds for the divorce were not specified. It was not yet known if she has retained an attorney. A number for the couple's home in Paris, Tenn., is not listed.

His publicist declined to comment beyond the statement. Williams, 57, is the son of country legend Hank Williams and has had a string of No. 1 hits including "Family Tradition" and "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight." He has sung the theme for "Monday Night Football" since 1989.

The singer, who is an avid hunter and fisherman, was named Tennessean of the Year on Friday by the Tennessee Sports Hall of Fame, but was unable to attend the ceremony because of his personal circumstances, Webster said.
 

Having a green thumb doesn't necessarily mean you are a good gardener; you could simply be a lousy painter.