Two stockbrokers went to lunch.
The one said to the other,
"Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other
than the market for once."
"Good idea. Let's talk about women."
"Okay... common or preferred?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The House Behind The House
One of my fondest memories
As I recall the days of yore
was the little house, behind the house,
With the crescent o'er the door. 
 
'Twas a place to sit and ponder
With your head all bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there,
If you didn't have to go. 
 
Ours was a multi-holer, three,
With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better,
After your job was done.  
 
You had to make those frequent trips
In snow, rain, sleet, or fog--
To that little house where you usually
Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog. 
 
Oft times in dead of winter,
The seat was spread with snow.
'Twas then with much reluctance,
To that little house you'd go. 
 
With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat,
Bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd shut your eyes and grit your teeth
As you settled on your rear.
 
I recall the day Ol' Granddad,
Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip out to that little house 
Which proved to be a bummer.  
 
'Twas the same day that my Dad had
Finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made
With rags and gasoline. 
 
He tossed the rags down in the hole
Went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so
He'd eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call,
I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house
Stays  in my memory yet.  
 
He sat down on the wooden seat,
With both feet on the floor.
He filled his pipe and tapped it down
And struck a match on the outhouse door.  
 
He lit the pipe and sure enough,
it soon began to glow.
He slowly raised his rear a bit
And tossed the flaming match below.

The Blast that followed, I am told
Was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Granddad
Sprawled out there on the ground. 
 
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth,
His eyes were shut real tight;
The celebrated three-holer
Was blown clear out of sight. 
 
We asked him what had happened,
What he said I'll  ne'er forget.
He said he thought it must have been
The pinto beans he et!
 
Next day we had a new one
Dad put it up with ease.
But this one had a door sign 
that read: No Smoking, Please!
 
Now that's the story's end my friend,
Of  memories long ago,
When we went to the house behind the house,
because we had to go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Jet Blue has apologized now for stranding thousands of  
passengers and today, Jet Blue's president introduced a  
passenger bill of rights. First on the list is 'You have  
the right to fly Delta and United.'" -Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There's an asteroid heading toward the earth and we're all  
going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there's a 1  
in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036.  
Now an asteroid is a giant rock. It's headed toward the  
earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn't  
send scissors; that would be impractical." -Craig Ferguson  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out-  
side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf  
ball driven down his throat, was being treated.  

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside  
the room, asked the pacing golfer.  

"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our  
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians  
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite  
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was  
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.  

While we were around our campfire in the evening the local  
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They  
would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend  
always stuck in my mind.  

It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes  
made their homes. They were, however, at War, with one  
another from years before.  

There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with  
a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the  
shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant  
Indian love calls to each other...even though they were  
warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it.  
One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.  

That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into  
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When  
they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they  
embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so im-  
pressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the  
young man.  

I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent  
at "Lake Stupid". 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl was learning the differences among reptiles, fish and warm- blooded animals. One day she came home with a concerned look on her face. When her mother asked what was wrong, the girl answered, "Mommy, when Daddy loses all of his hair, will he still be a mammal?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A salesman had a female customer interested in an antique brass bed. Trying to seal up the sale, he told her, “George Washington once slept in this bed.” That seemed to heighten the woman’s interest, so he added, “And also Napoleon Bonaparte.”

The customer thought about that for a moment, then remarked, “Why, that seems impossible.”

“Oh, I don’t know," the salesman replied. “It IS a double bed.”