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February28, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.  Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY FEBUARY 27,2007 A blonde's
car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the
shoulder of the road. **** Quickies **** After his divorce Mr. Abrams
realized that poker isn’t the only game that starts with holding hands and ends
with an astounding financial loss. Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
This edition of G.G.G. is a
collection of jokes from the never ending archives of CLASSIC Jokes that go
around and around. I am sur you have seen many of these before .... but
.... they might still make you smile again. GGG is sent just for the fun
of it with the hopes that we helped to make your day. Pass them on to
friends, family or whoever ... afterall, Laughter is Contagious ... so ... Pass
It On!!!
The Humor Guy in Chicago --- The
Ole Fritzbear!!!
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A woman and her friend are
visiting the zoo. They are
standing in front of the big
silver back gorillas cage, when
one woman makes a gesture that
the gorilla interprets as an
invitation. He grabs her yanks
her over the fence and takes
her to his nest in the pen. There
he ravishhes her and makes
passionate love to her for about
2 hours till he is
tranquilized, and the lady taken
to hospital. Her friend
visits her the next day and asks"
Are you hurt?"...
... She replies, "Of Course I'm
hurt, He hasn't called! He
hasn't
written!"
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Before we were married Wife used to always say,
"You're only interested in one thing." Trouble is now though, after 36
years,
I've forgotten what the hell it
was.
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A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported
for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm
handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be
to
sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate." the young man
replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the
manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
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A car breaks down along the expressway one day,
so the driver
eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway.
He jumps out of
the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men
in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their
coats and start
exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic.
This results in one
of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police why he put two
deviates along the
side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down
and was just
using my emergency flashers!"
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After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were
glad to finally
land. They disembarked, and the other attendants
and I checked
for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made
cookies with
a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave
the bag to our
gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with
its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the
public-
address system in the concourse: "Would
the passenger who
lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to
the gate?"
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Jennifer's friend has two sisters. We all
live in Texas. The
sisters approached my friend and asked where the
lighthouses
were. When my friend tried to probe a
little bit, the sisters
told her, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and
have lots of ads
in the paper but we don't know where the
lighthouses are to
apply." My friend told them there are no
lighthouses in Texas.
"Let me see that newspaper." Sure enough,
there ads for
"Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in
person."
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Dr Ken told me about passing a Chevy Suburban on
the hiway.
It was towing a boat with an outboard
motor. The motor was
obviously in neutral because the propeller was
spinning like
crazy from the slip-stream under the car.
I turned to my wife,
pointed to the boat, and said, tongue in cheek,
"Look, that's a
good idea. Those Suburbans are heavy and
burn a lot of gas
so this guy started his boat motor so the
propeller will help
PUSH him!" My wife, said, in all
seriousness, wow, that *is*
a good idea. I wonder why more folks don't
do that."
≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Angela's mother bought an Expedition. "She
was observing
the raised bumps on the cruise control pad on
the steering
wheel when she said, 'Oh, look, they have
braille so blind
people can work the cruise control . . .
'"
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Judi's redhead and brunette friends were always
making fun of
how stupid she was. (It all started the
day she picked on Ray
over at Joke A Day -- they knew she was a few
fries short of a
Happy Meal then).
Judi had enough and decided to prove to the
other two how
intelligent she was by learning the capitals of
all 137 countries
Joke A Day is distributed to.
The next time they were together, the redhead
and the
brunette told Judi about the latest batch of
"Judi Jokes" they'd
seen in Joke A Day. They again razzed her
for being so stupid
that they actually have a new genre of jokes --
Judi Jokes --
which have pretty much replaced Polish
Jokes.
Judi said, "I'm NOT stupid. I'll have you
know I learned EVERY
capital of EVERY country Joke A Day is sent
to. All 137 of
'em."
The redhead said, "Yeah? Ok -- what's the
capital of
England?"
"That's easy," Judi replied.
"E".
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A truck driver who had been delivering
radioactive waste for the
local reactor begins to feel sick after a few
years on the job. He
decided to seek compensation for his
ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation
department, he is
interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active
materials and wish
to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take
measures to
protect you from radiation
poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear
on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you
drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead
lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is
that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead
container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You
wear a lead
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the
radio-active waste is kept
in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All
lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim
against him for
radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead
poisoning.
≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
The visiting church school supervisor asks
little Johnny during
Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny
replies that he does not know, but it definitely
is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of
basic Bible
knowledge goes to the school principal and
relates the whole
incident.
The principal replies that he knows little
Johnny as well as his
whole family very well and can vouch for them,
if little Johnny
said that he did not do it, he as principal is
satisfied that it is
the truth.
Even more appalled the inspector goes to the
regional Head of
Education and relates the whole
story.
After listening he replies: "I cannot see why
you are making
such a big issue out of this; we will get three
quotations and fix
the damned wall."
≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
There once was a conservative college in the
mid-west that had
a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned
on in the
dormitories prior to a certain
date.
Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear
its ugly head
early. Students in both the men's and women's
dormitories
complained about the bitter cold, but were told
that nothing
could be done.
After days of no heat and no respite in
immediate sight, the
ladies realized that their dorm faced the
equally cold men's
dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with
the
message,
"TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE
BOYS!"
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A large two engined train was crossing America.
After they had
gone some distance one of the engines broke
down. "No
problem," the engineer thought, and carried on
at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke
down, and the
train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the
passengers about
why the train had stopped, and made the
following
announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and
some bad
news. The bad news is that both engines have
failed, and we
will be stuck here for some time. The good news
is that you
decided to take the train and not
fly."
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was
intrigued to
see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a
strange looking
dog you have there," he said.
"Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but
he's a great
fighter."
"Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as
my Fang here."
"All right - how much do you wanna
bet?"
"Ten dollars."
"You're on."
So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually
the Labrador
crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's
side.
"I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated,"
said the loser's
master, handing over the ten dollars,
"especially by such an
odd-looking one like yours."
"Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed
the winner's
master. "But he looked even odder before I
shaved his mane
off . . . "
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Sharon tells me about the Judi in her remote
office that put two
stamps on the envelope instead of one so it'd
arrive faster.
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Sandy's boss was talking about the book
"Interview With A
Vampire". She went on and on about the
details of vampire life
as described in the book. My coworker,
Amanpreet, said in all
seriousness, "Now is that book Fiction or
Non-Fiction?"
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his
side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend! Don't mess with Old People. ≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided
to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and
get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the
litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower,
etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
LOST IN HOME DEPOT
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." "The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was
upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my
husband
when I got home. Zack squirms so much it
is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with
us.
Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead,
where I slept better than I had in years.
The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was
Zack in bed with you?"
"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed,
and I was too tired to change his sheets."
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Preacher's wife to preacher as he leaves for
Sunday service:=20
Remember! Don't call anyone a sinner until
AFTER the collection
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**** Reader's
Submissions ****
SENIOR HUMOR: --- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. --- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." --- ! The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. --- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? --- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. --- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." ---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. --- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. ---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. ---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. ---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." ---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." ---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. --- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing. - --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. LIBBY **** ON THIS DAY ****
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-27- Will Gilmer of the "Leake County Revelers" born Leake County, MS 1897. Texas Jim Robertson, singer/actor born Batesville, TX 1909. Hardrock Gunter, born Sidney Louis Gunter Jr., Birmingham, AL 1925. Guy Mitchell born 1927. Chuck Glaser born Spalding, NE 1936. Billy Grammer joined the Grand Ole Opry 1959. Marty Robbins began a ten-week run at #1 with "Don't Worry About Me" 1961. Buck Owens recorded "Ruby" 1971. Tanya Tucker's "I Won't Take Less Than Your Love," went to #1 1988. Alan Jackson's "Here In The Real World," released in 1990. Johnny Cash met Rick Rubin for the first time in Santa Ana, CA 1993. Walter Bailes, age 80, died Sevierville, TN 2000. Walter was a member of the Grand Ole Opry's "The Bailes Brothers." Dream Works released Jessica Andrews' album "Who I Am" 2001. The 44th Annual Grammy Awards were presented at the Staples Center in L. A. in 2002. Album Of The Year: (all types of music) "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" Various artists. Female Country Vocal; "Shine" Dolly Parton; Male Country Vocal; "O Death" Ralph Stanley Country Group Vocal; "The Lucky One" Alison Krauss and Union Station. The Country Radio Broadcasters honored Brooks & Dunn, with their "Humanitarian Of The Year" award in 2002. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Welcome to Country Radio Week! It’s Country Radio Seminar time! NASHVILLE, Tenn. - For the third consecutive year, Country Radio Broadcasters, Inc. ® has received a resolution declaring the week of February 26, 2007 as "Country Radio Week" in Nashville. This honor was established to help recognize the Country Radio Seminar ® (CRS) and its reputation as a unique radio educational forum. CRS has been a staple in the Country music industry for 38 years and is a vital informative factor for the Country radio format. CRB Executive Director Ed Salamon notes, "It is significant that Nashville continues to recognize, through this proclamation, the importance of Country radio to the general economy of the city, through its impact on the music business." CRS-38 provides continuing education for industry professionals, artists, programmers, promotions and sales executives and media. In addition to programming and promotion panels, research presentations, artist showcases and discussion forums, the CRS-38 agenda will focus on industry issues which impact Country radio sales and programming departments and all facets of the Nashville record industry. CRS-38 will be held February 28 through March 2, 2007 at the Nashville Convention Center. Complete seminar information may be obtained by contacting CRB, Inc. at 615.327.4487 or by visiting www.crb.org. CRS-38 - February 28-March 2, 2007 - Nashville Convention Center, 601 Commerce St. Complete seminar registration and hotel information may be obtained by contacting CRB, Inc. at 615.327.4487 or by visiting www.crb.org. STEVENS MAKES PAGE ONE Basin, Wyoming Proud of Hometown Girl Nashville, TN (February 26, 2007) – Mach One / Spinville Records recording artist DeLana Stevens was privileged to grace the front page of her hometown newspaper earlier this month. Stevens sat down with the Basin Republican Rustler’s editor Lori Newman to discuss her album, Welcome To My World, as well as her time spent growing up in Basin, WY. Stevens released her debut album, Welcome To My World in January of 2007. Newman wrote, “DeLana’s voice contains a smoky edginess that turns salty, sad, sassy or soulful, as the lyrics require. Some of her songs have the flavor of traditional country, while others are more cutting edge.” Good Enough for Me, Stevens’ third single off of her debut album will hit radio in early March. “It is a tale about leaving a ‘one-stop-light, one horse town’ and striking out for New York or L.A. in search of ‘a better place for a better life’ – only to discover those bright lights grow mighty dim after a while,” wrote Newman. This isn’t far fetched from Stevens’ real life story, “I was 13 years old when I moved out here (Nashville), and I thought I was going to take the country music industry by storm. Then six months to a year goes by and you realize that’s not the way it works,” stated Stevens. Stevens spent 2006 visiting radio stations and performing live; traveling by car across the US. Her efforts in support of title track single, Welcome to My World and it’s follow up single/video Say Hello To Heaven, paid off. DeLana’s Say Hello To Heaven video, which Stevens filmed with Nashville’s Vintage Flick Productions, was seen by millions on CMT.com and GAC TV’s On Demand. The video also aired on the Gospel Music Channel where it placed in the “Top 5 Requested Videos” with its heartfelt message addressing the pain of loosing a family member to a drunk driver and the courage to forgive. Stevens is set to embark on her first National tour following the release of her third single, Good Enough for Me. Billy Ray Cyrus Joins Dancing With the Stars Billy Ray Cyrus has joined the cast of Dancing With the Stars, which begins its fourth season on ABC on March 19. Other celebrities competing on the show include boxer Laila Ali, basketball star Clyde Drexler, 'N Sync member Joey Fatone, Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey, TV host Leeza Gibbons, Paul McCartney's estranged wife Heather Mills, Olympic athlete Apolo Anton Ohno, Sopranos actor Vincent Pastore, model Paulia Porizkova and Beverly Hills 90210 actor Ian Ziering. The show will air on Monday and Tuesday nights to avoid competing with Fox's American Idol. **** Amy's Kitchen **** BANANNER MUFFINS 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon salt 3 bananas, mashed 3/4 cup white sugar 1 eggs, lightly beaten 1/3 cup butter, melted 1/3 cup packed brown sugar 1/8 cup all-purpose flour 1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1 tablespoon butter DIRECTIONS: Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly grease 10 muffin cups. In a large bowl, mix together flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt. In another bowl, beat together bananas, sugar, egg and melted butter. Stir the banana mixture into the flour mixture just until moistened. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups. In a small bowl, mix together brown sugar, flour and cinnamon. Cut in butter until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Sprinkle topping over muffins. Bake for 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into center of a muffin comes out clean. Yield: 10 muffins **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
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