A few months ago I saw a newspaper clipping which told of a newspaper in Illinois which ran a story warning consumers that, on such-and-such day, Illinois Bell would be "blowing the dust out of the phone lines" and that all phone owners should cover the earpiece of their phones with a bag to catch the dust.

Bell made them print a retraction, after receiving numerous calls asking what sort of bag to use...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Lebanese arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees
walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, and giving me housing,
money , free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Russian ".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!"
The person says "I no Australian , I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says
"Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an Australian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?" She says, "No, I am from New Zealand!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?" The Kiwi lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China  
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your  
homework. People in India and China are starving for your  
job.'" --Thomas Friedman 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent  
trend towards legislation which requires the prominent  
placing of warnings on products that present hazards to  
the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary  
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,  
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in  
this important area. This is especially true in light of  
the findings of 20th century quantum physics.  

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings  
appears on every product offered for sale in the United  
States.  

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.  

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy  
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of  
Weight.  

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute  
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in  
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.  

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"  
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same  
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast  
It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds  
that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle  
was correct)  

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance  
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product  
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and  
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including  
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be  
Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.  

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents  
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,  
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.  

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That  
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,  
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and  
Undetermined State.  

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This  
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent  
on Its Velocity Relative to the User. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
American idioms don't travel well. Case in point, this email  
my boss received from a Chinese businessman... "I apologize  
for taking so long to get this pricing to you, but I had to  
get all my ducts in the road."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It is Dakota Fanning's birthday today! Wee Dakota, she's  
13 today! Thirteen! Which is 52 in Hollywood years."  
 -Craig Ferguson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale,
Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to his bank manager and says: "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?"

The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies: "Buy a big one and wait."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. "What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design.

"It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is stretched back smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile across his face. The egg is frowning and looking extremely frustrated. The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful!" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

     Drug attacks HIV in a new way  

POMEZIA, Italy, -- Italian researchers say they've develop-  
ed an AIDS drug that attacks the disease in a new way. "The  
molecule, MK518, has a wholly new mechanism," Gennaro  
Ciliberto, head of a molecular biology research institute  
run by drug company Merck, told ANSA. Ciliberto said MK518  
and other "integrase inhibitors" may help AIDS patients who  
have developed a resistance to other anti-retroviral drugs.  
Integrase is an enzyme in HIV that allows the virus to  
integrate with body cells, ANSA reported. "If you knock  
integrase out of the picture, HIV can't possibly infect any-  
one because the virus isn't able to replicate," Ciliberto  
told ANSA. ANSA reported Merck expects U.S. Food and Drug  
Administration approval for the drug before the end of  
2007.   

Caffeine protects elderly hearts  

BROOKLYN, N.Y., -- Drinking caffeinated beverages may pro-  
tect the elderly against heart disease death, New York  
researchers have found. "The protection against death from  
heart disease in the elderly afforded by caffeine is likely  
due to caffeine's enhancement of blood pressure," said Dr.  
John Kassotis, an associate professor of medicine at SUNY  
Downstate. The heart-protective effects of caffeine was  
only found in patients age 65 and older who were not sev-  
erely hypertensive. The researchers from SUNY Downstate  
and Brooklyn College used data from the first federal  
National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey Epidemi-  
ologic Follow-up Study. They found that participants 65  
or more years old with higher caffeinated beverage intake  
had a lower risk of coronary vascular disease and heart  
mortality than did participants with lower intake of  
caffeinated beverages.   

Circumcision cuts HIV infection  

CHICAGO, -- Circumcision significantly reduces the risk  
of acquiring HIV in young African men, a study from the  
University of Chicago found. Researchers followed 2,784  
young men from Kisumu, Kenya, circumcising half of them.  
Forty-seven of the 1,391 uncircumcised men contracted  
HIV, compared to 22 of the 1,393 uncircumcised men. "Our  
study shows that circumcised men had 53 percent fewer  
HIV infections than uncircumcised men," said Robert  
Bailey, an epidemiology professor. "We now have very con-  
crete evidence that a relatively simple surgical proce-  
dure can have a very large impact on HIV." Bailey cau-  
tioned that circumcised men might engage in risky  
behavior, feeling that they are protected from HIV.  
"Circumcision is by no means a natural condom," said  
Bailey. "We do know that some circumcised men become  
infected with HIV. But we did find that the circumcised  
men in our study did not increase their risk behaviors  
after circumcision. In fact, all men in the trial  
increased their condom use and reduced their number of  
sexual partners." The study appears in the Feb. 24 issue  
of The Lancet.  

**** Reader's Submissions ****

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

  Mariah Carey Co-Writes With Willie Nelson for Movie Role  

Mariah Carey has enlisted Willie Nelson to co-write a song  
for her upcoming movie role, a waitress and aspiring song-  
writer named Krystal. The film, titled Tennessee, is being  
shot in Albuquerque, N.M., as well as Nashville. She will  
perform the original song in a bar scene set in Nashville  
and also sings an a cappella version of the country  
classic, "Help Me Make It Through the Night" in the movie.  
No release date for the film has been set.   

Kelly Clarkson, Reba McEntire Tape CMT Crossroads  

Kelly Clarkson and Reba McEntire taped an episode of CMT  
Crossroads at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville on Thursday  
night for an invitation-only audience. McEntire had only  
performed at the Ryman once before, during a segment of the  
Grand Ole Opry. It was Clarkson's first performance there.  
With the singers taking turns on each other's songs, the  
episode will premiere in late 2007, coinciding with  
McEntire's upcoming duets CD, which includes a track with  
Clarkson.
  
Daryle Singletary, Elana James, Donna Hughes lead new releases - Honky tonker Daryle Singletary is back with "Strait From the Heart," a collection mainly of covers, on a new label for him, Shanachie. This marks Shanachie's first foray into country....

'Nashville Star' picks winner from top 3 Thursday

By BEVERLY KEEL


Another winner will be crowned at Thursday's finale of USA Network's Nashville Star from the top 3: siblings Angela and Zac Hacker and David St. Romain.

"I definitely feel like the third wheel, and I'm hoping that it works to my advantage," says David, a Baton Rouge, La., native. Angela had been the frontrunner, but Zac had a strong performance last week. However, the brother and sister could split the votes and David could walk away with the record deal.




"To me it's the most exciting Nashville Star, because I truly don't know who is going to win," says judge Anastasia Brown.

Throughout the show's grooming process, "the most important thing I've learned is to really listen to what the people experienced in the business tell me," David says.

Angela, from Florence, Ala., says, "The power of television is what I've learned. I don't think I would have gotten into people's homes had it not been for this show. I don't know that me going through Nashville, I would have succeeded.

"I don't think they would have gotten me. Through this show, the people have gotten me, and that's going to make the record people pay attention, because they'll see something that's marketable."

Zac, who lives in Muscle Shoals, Ala., says he has learned to be more focused, "like the way I hold myself, good posture, or how to breathe." He says, "Right before they call your name or don't call your name, your heart is pounding. At that moment, I've learned to take a deep breath, and that affects the way you sing."

Gretchen's lucky number is 27

Jim Carrey had a thing for the number 23 before he agreed to do The Number 23, which debuted this week. Gretchen Wilson would be perfect for a sequel called The Number 27.

She was 27 when she gave birth to daughter Grace, and when she left Pocahontas, Ill., the population was 27. Her first week of record sales was 227,000 units. In a 10-day promotional tour, she traveled 27,000 miles. She has a 27 ankle tattoo and wears a silver dog tag necklace with 27.

She doesn't know what it all means, but 27 has become a sign for her. "If I go too long without seeing or hearing 27, I might want to rethink the path I'm on," she writes in her book, Redneck Woman: Stories from My Life.

Morgan and Kershaw renew vows

Country Weekly'sMarch 12 issue reports that singers Lorrie Morgan and Sammy Kershaw have renewed their wedding vows. After marrying in 2001, they have endured much-publicized troubled times.

"During January's Grand Ole Opry cruise, Sammy pulled off a romantic surprise," writes Larry Holden. "On a return trip from Cabo San Lucas to Long Beach, Calif., friends invited Lorrie to a game room for a few games of bingo. But they changed course and steered her to the ship's chapel. And there, in front of the ship's captain, Lorrie and Sammy renewed their wedding vows."

Morsels

• The Oscars were the second most-watched show of the week, behind CSI: Miami, but it was the lowest-rated Oscars here in four years, despite Al Gore's presence.

• Nicole Kidman's Oscar attire included cuffs, containing diamonds totaling 375 carats, designed by her stylist, L'wren Scott, and made by William Goldberg.

• Trace Adkins, Rodney Atkins, Dierks Bentley, Big & Rich, Vince Gill, Alan Jackson, LeAnn Rimes and Gretchen Wilson have been added to the list of performers at the 2007 CMA Music Festival June 7-10.

• Brad and Kimberly Williams-Paisley's son has a name: William Huckleberry, and they're calling him Will.

• The sixth annual Birdhouse Event will be at 5:30 p.m. March 8 at The Mall at Green Hills. You can bid on birdhouses custom-designed by Martina McBride, Faith Hill, Keith Urban, Reba McEntire, The Wreckers and Dierks Bentley to help the W.O. Smith Music School. For more information, call 255-8355.

• Blake Shelton will be on the Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson Wednesday.


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius?