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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome
to The Funnies
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can
repair almost anything.
Welcome New
Subscribers
If you don't have a
sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at
all
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get
older
than it is to get wiser
TGIF
FRIDAY APRIL 13,2007
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "I have enough money to last me the rest
of my life, unless I buy
something."
Jackie Mason
As my husband,
the county highway commissioner, was driving to the
hospital for treatment of
his painful knee injury, he decided to take
advantage of the hospital's Valet
parking.
As he exited his car, a young man with the Valet parking co.,
comes up
and asks my husband if this was a government vehicle.
"Why,
yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question.
"In fact it's an
unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the
wheel.
"This will be the first time I've
been in the front seat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John: My father got
so angry last night at my mom, he hit the ceiling,
knocking large chunks
out.
Ted: Wow!
John: Yeah... it was the first time he got
plastered without even going
out.
~~~~~~~~~~~
We bought my mother a
remote car starter that also opened the door locks at the press of a button. We
left her car at the shop to have the system installed. That evening the
technician called. He said the installation was almost complete but they had run
into a little problem-they had locked the keys in the
car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The waitress at the upscale restuarant kept
starring at the leading man
every time she brought him another dinner
course.
"Say, she finally said, "don't I know you from
somewhere?"
The leading actor was coy. "Possibly you've seen me in the
movies," he
replied.
"Maybe," she said thoughtfully. "Where do you
usually sit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son fell through the ceiling
while he was working in the attic, and my four-year-old grandson, Nick, invited
everyone who came to the door to see what his Dad had done. Finally my son said,
"You can tell Grandma and Grandpa and relatives, but you don't need to tell
everyone about it!" When the repairman arrived, Nick followed him and his dad to
the hall. Nick looked up at the ceiling and said, "You know, that hole is just
about the size of my dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The district attorney was
cross-examining the murderess on the witness
stand.
"And so after you
had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the
breakfast table partaking
of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any
qualms? Didn't you feel the
slightest pity for him knowing that he was
about to die and was wholly
unconscious of it? As you sat there...
didn't you feel for him at
all?"
"Yes," she answered. "Come to thik of it...there was just a tiny
moment
when I sort of felt sorry for him."
"And, when was
that?"
"When he asked for his third
cup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would like some vitamins for my son,"
the blonde mom said as she walked into the pharmacy.
"Vitamins A, B, or
C?" asks the pharmacist.
"It doesn't matter, he can't read
yet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
?????????????????,OOPS
I got my first
job as a graduate nurse in a rural hospital and I was
eager to apply all my
new knowledge and skills. One day I was sent to
check the fetal heart rate of
one of our patients. I entered the room,
saw the young couple and remembered
that I was to involve the patient's
family when providing care. After
explaining my task, I asked the
husband if he'd like to listen to the baby's
heartbeat, too. They both
seemed uncomfortable as I looked from one blushing
face to the other.
"I'm not her husband!" the young man sputtered. "I'm the
minister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHE'S GOTTA BE BLONDE
At
the car dealership where I work, we give our customers a heat deflector-a screen
that covers the windshield - as a token of our appreciation for their patronage.
"Here are your keys and a deflector for the windshield," our serviceman said to
one client. The young lady went out to the parking lot, but ten minutes later
she was back. "I'd like a smaller deflector," she said. Told there was only one
size, she asked, "But how am I supposed to drive if I can't see the
road?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend's daughter, Nancy, found a baby
tooth that her kitten had lost. She and her sister decided that they could put
one over on the tooth fairy. That night they placed the tooth under Nancy's
pillow. And it worked. But the tooth fairy left a can of
sardines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SOMETIMES IT'S BOTH
An elderly
gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He
looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but
I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't
offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question
meant "short of breath" and not what he
thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PLOP
Poor Johnson had spent his life
making wrong decisions. If he bet on a
horse, it would lose; if he chose one
elevator rather than another, it
was the one he chose that stalled between
floors; the line he picked
before the bank teller's cage never moved; the
lane he chose in traffic
crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of
a cloudburst; and
so it went, day after day, year after year.
Then,
once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a
thousand miles
away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible
conveyance that would
get him there in time, and it turned out that only
one company supplied only
one flight that would do. His heart bounded.
There was no choice to make! And
if he made no choice, surely he could
come to no grief.
He took the
plane.
Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane's
engines
caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in
moments.
Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint , Saint
Francis.
He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why
this
should be, I don't know, but I have borne my cross and have
not
complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this
was
the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I
being
punished?"
He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped
down out of the
clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he
was,
miraculously suspended two miles above the earth's surface, while
the
plane spiraled downward far below.
A heavenly voice came down from
the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if
you have in truth called upon
me."
"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint
Francis!"
"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint
Francis of
Assisi. Which?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bishop was sitting in a
doctor's waiting room when a red-faced and
sobbing nun rushed out of the
doctor's exam room. The bishop charges
into the exam room and demanded to
know what the doctor had done.
"I told her she was pregnant." the doctor
replied, matter of factly.
"That's crazy! That can't be true!" said the
outraged bishop. "Why would
you ever tell her something like
that?"
"Well, it cured her hiccups."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they
feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the
man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at
the
man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out. That should help." the
clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith
tighth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home
and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking
up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.
He put the
beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway,
there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat
would always beat
him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away,
turn right, then
left, past the bridge, then right again and another right
until he
reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left
the
cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is
the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you
ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that it on the phone, I'm lost
and
need directions!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** HEALTH NEWS
****
Revolution in
cancer treatment
Cancer treatment could be on the
brink of a revolution
following a study showing that it may be
possible sig-
nificantly to improve the effectiveness of
chemotherapy
drugs without causing side effects. Scientists have
con-
ducted a series of pioneering experiments
demonstrating
a new way of making tumour cells far more
susceptible
to attack with extremely low doses of anti-cancer
drugs.
The development offers hope that the gruesome side
effects
of chemotherapy, suffered by tens of thousands of
cancer
patients, may at some point become a thing of the
past.
In addition to making chemotherapy more effective
at
eliminating tumour cells from the body, the study
suggests
that it is also possible to lower dosage levels to a
point
where toxic side effects from the drugs are unlikely
to
occur.
Gene mutation causes infertility in
mice
U.S. scientists have discovered a gene
mutation that causes
infertility in male mice, giving promise of
a similar dis-
covery in infertile men. Cornell University
researchers
said their finding marks the first time a dominant
mutation
that leads specifically to infertility in a mammal has
been
found. "If you consider infertility a disease, you
can't
study it like you would other diseases, because
the
affected people can't reproduce," said genetics
Professor
John Schimenti, director of the university's Center
for
Vertebrate Genomics and senior author of the study.
"Con-
sequently, we know very little about the genetic
causes
of infertility in humans." Researchers randomly
induced
mutations in the mouse genome and looked for
infertility
in the resulting mice. They analyzed the DNA of the
sterile
males and identified the gene that caused the
infertility.
Schimenti said mouse models will be critical in
distin-
guishing between those DNA sequence changes that are
benign
in humans versus those that disrupt sperm or egg
production.
The researchers are now engaged in a project to
identify
all the genes needed for fertility in mice and apply
that
information to the human situation. The research appears
in
the journal PLoS
Biology.
Stress causes cancer development
U.S.
medical scientists have discovered the stress hormone
epinephrine makes prostate and breast cancer cells resistant
to cell death. Researchers at the Wake Forest University
School of Medicine said they are the first to report that
emotional stress might contribute to the development of
cancer and might also reduce the effectiveness of cancer
treatments. The study, led by Dr. George Kulik, an assistant
professor of cancer biology, was designed to determine
whether there is a direct link between stress hormones and
changes in cancer cells. "Population studies have had con-
tradictory results," said Kulik. "We asked the question:
'If
stress is linked to cancer, what is the cellular
mechanism?'
There had been no evidence that stress directly
changes cancer
cells." Kulik said the study's findings have
several
implications for patients and for researchers. "It
may be
important for patients who have increased responses
to stress to
learn to manage the effects," said Kulik. "And,
the results
point to the possibility of developing an inter-
vention to
block the effects of epinephrine." The research
is reported
on-line in the Journal of Biological Chemistry.
**** ON THIS DAY
****
**** HEADS UP FOLKS
****
These Are My Causes Please
Help
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes
less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their
corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate
mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you
know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The
Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it
daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to
abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to
their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't
cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of
daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you
know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
-13-
Tommy Crank, Bluegrass/Gospel born McKee, KY 1926.
Red Foley debuted as host of the Grand Ole Opry's Prince Albert
show 1946.
Hank Snow topped the charts with "The Rhumba Boogie" 1951.
Sam Bush, Bluegrass master musician, born Bowling Green, KY
1952.
Johnny Horton released "The Battle of New Orleans," / "All For
The Love of a Girl," 1959.
George Jones topped the charts with "White Lightning" 1959.
Bill Anderson's "Still," went to #1 in 1963.
Buck Owens first #1 hit "Act Naturally," charted 1963.
Roger Miller won five Grammys, at the Seventh Annual Grammy
Awards 1964.
George Jones' single "Walk Through This World With Me" was #1 in
1967.
The Academy of Country Music awarded Marty Robbins, their "Man
of the Decade Award," 1970.
Merle Haggard topped the charts with "Always Wanting You" 1975.
Guy Willis, age 65, of The Willis Brothers, died 1981.
Sheena Easton and Kenny Rogers duet "We've Got Tonight" was No.
1 in 1983.
TNN debuted "Grand Ole Opry Live" in 1985.
Johnny Dollar, age 53, died 1986.
Johnny Cash released his debut album with Mercury "Johnny Cash
Is Coming to Town" 1987.
Liberty released Linda Davis' album "Linda Davis" 1992.
Sire Records released Mandy Barnett's album "I've Got a Right to
Cry" 1999.
Kenny Chesney's "Young" debuted on the charts 2002.
-14-
D. L. Menard, Cajun singer/song-writer/guitarist, born Erath, LA
1932.
Loretta Lynn born Butcher Holler, KY 1935. Inducted CMHF
1988, NSHF 1983. In 1972, Loretta became the first female
artist, to win the CMA Entertainer Of The Year Award.
Al Dexter's "Too Late To Worry, Too Blue To Cry" topped the
charts 1944.
History was made at the Opry in 1945, when a trumpet was
played on the show for the first time. Taps was played to honor President
Franklin Roosevelt, who died two days earlier.
Lefty Frizzell's single "I Want To Be With You Always" charted
1951.
Tommy Duncan rejoined Bob Wills in a recording studio 1960.
George Jones' "She Thinks I Still Care" charted 1962.
Jimmy Dean's single "PT109" charted 1962.
Stuart Duncan, "Nashville Bluegrass Band," born Quantico, VA
1964.
Tammy Wynette's "Till I Can Make It On My Own" topped the charts
1976.
Vito Pelletieri, age 87, stage manager at the Grand Ole Opry,
died 1977.
The Johnny Cash TV special, "Spring Fever" aired in 1978,
with guests; Waylon, Jessi, June Carter, and Ray Charles.
The Kendalls' single "Thank God For The Radio" topped the charts
1984.
K.T. Oslin appeared on the TV series, "Paradise," in 1990.
Burl Ives, age 85, died from cancer in 1995.
Brooks & Dunn's #1 country hit "Ain't Nothing 'Bout You"
crossed over to Billboard's Top 40 chart 2001.
Dolly Parton received the Living Legend award from the Library
of Congress in 2004. Previous recipients include Ralph Stanley, Ray
Charles, and Johnny Cash.
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Sandy Brooks' kidnapper goes
free
The man arrested for kidnapping Garth
Brooks' ex-wife, Sandy, was freed from an Oklahoma jail after serving about a
year following a plea bargain agreement. Quintine Harper was released from the
jail after reaching a deal with the district attorney's office on reduced
charges.
On Tuesday, Harper pleaded no contest
to an amended charge of felony kidnapping and two misdemeanor counts of pointing
a firearm. Harper received a seven-year suspended sentence minus one year in the
Rogers County Jail for kidnapping, and six months in jail for the two firearms
charges, with credit given for the one year and six days he had already spent.
Harper also must pay a $300 fine - $100 for each charge - plus court costs.
If the case had gone to a jury trial,
Harper could have faced up to 70 years if convicted.
The case stems from the kidnapping of
Brooks in April 2006 after an apparent romantic relatinship ended. Harper drove
Brooks several miles, although she said he never pointed his gun at her. Brooks
said Harper told her to drive to a bank and withdraw $16,000 for bond money to
keep him out of jail, but she refused to do so. Brooks later freed herself at a
convenience store parking lot.
Toby Keith helps raise money to
battle cancer
Toby Keith
will once again will host the annual Toby Keith & Friends Golf Classic in
Norman, Okla., Saturday, April 28th. The tournament will benefit Ally's House,
an organization that Keith helped establish to support Oklahoma's young cancer
patients. "We throw a great party with this event every year to support these
kids in their battle with cancer," Keith said. "Soldiers come in all sizes."
The weekend includes a party, auction
and live entertainment. Among this year's items are trips to see the Tonight
Show in Los Angeles, Keith's concert in Las Vegas, Walt Disney World vacations
in Florida, a San Diego getaway and a Mediterranean Yachting Voyage. For sports
fan, the auction is packed with autographed items from stars like Tiger Woods
and Mickey Mantle. Music lovers can bid on items from musical celebrities Sammy
Hagar, Bob Seger, Garth Brooks and others.
Several celebrity friends of Keith's
have given commitments to attend the event and be included in the celebrity draw
for golf, although none were named.
Ally's House is named after Allison
Webb, daughter of Keith's friend and original bandmate Scott Webb. She died in
August 2003, 1 month short of her third birthday, from a form of kidney cancer
called Wilm's tumors.
Cash fire investigation complete; results not released yet to
public
The Hendersonville Fire
Department has wrapped up its investigation of the fire that gutted Johnny
Cash’s former home on Tuesday. But it may be some time before the public is told
what exactly caused the fire.
Hendersonville Fire Chief Jamie Steele has
turned his findings over to insurance company investigators working for the
home’s new owner, former Bee Gee Barry Gibb, who was renovating the home at the
time of the fire.
Both the fire department and the contractor agreed
that the fire appeared to have been sparked by fumes from a wood preservative
that workers were using that day.
-- JENNIFER BROOKS
Staff
Writer
****
Amy's Kitchen ****
LOWER FAT
SPAGHETTI CARBONARA
1 lb spaghetti
uncooked
6 oz turkey bacon, finely chopped
3
cloves garlic, minced2/3 cup dry white wine
1 cup egg
substitute
1/3 cup fresh parsley chopped
1/3 cup
parmesan cheese, grated
salt
freshly ground
pepper
DIRECTIONS:
Prepare pasta according
to package directions. While pasta
is cooking, cook the bacon
and garlic in a small saute pan
over medium-low heat until the
garlic is aromatic and the
bacon is lightly browned, about 3 to
4 minutes. Add the wine,
increase heat, bring the wine to a boil
and cook until it
has reduced by about half. Pour mixture into a
large serving
bowl and let it cool for 5 minutes. Stir in the
egg substitute
and the parsley. When pasta is done, drain it
well and add it
immediately to the bacon mixture. Add Parmesan
cheese and
toss quickly. Season with salt and freshly ground
pepper and
serve.
Yield: 6
Servings
Calories: 422, Carbs: 58, Fat: 9 grams, Protein: 21
grams
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
What are the five most popular names for
pets?
 The first link on our pet quest
led us to iVillage's Pet Name Finder which regularly compiles the list of
favorite names. We can't vouch for the methodology, but according to this list,
the top five are:
* Rocky
* Amber
* Jasper
*
Cinnamon
* Max
Another link we visited, reviewed the study by the
American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA). They surveyed
veterinarians around the country to compile their list. Their top five
were:
* Max
* Sam
* Lady
* Bear
*
Smoky
Sadly, old standbys like Fido, Rover, and (our personal favorite)
Rex were nowhere to be found. Apparently, there is no consensus when it comes to
the top five names, but you can't go wrong with Max (although you may summon
every pet on the block next time you call for yours!).
****A PARTING THOUGHT
****
You cannot put plastic
in the dishwasher, metal in the microwave
or utensils in the garbage
disposal.
There are just so many rules in the kitchen that it's just safer to
eat out.
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
A retired man who
volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and
hospitals went to a
local hospital one day and took his portable
keyboard along. He told some
jokes and sang some funny songs at
patients' bedsides.
When he
finished at each patient's bedside, he would say, in farewell,
"I hope
you get better."
One elderly gentleman
replied,
"Oh,
geezaloo... I can only hope you get better, too."
 
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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AMERICA
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Jim Dowers
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Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
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