A hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.

He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"

The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."

"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.

His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
NORM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Why it takes so long in the Ladies Room

     
    Here is an explanation of why it takes women so long to use a
Public Ladies Room.
   
    When you have to visit a public restroom, you very often find a
Line of
    Women waiting, so you smile politely and take your place.
    Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every
    Stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash toward the
Door, 
    Doing a dosie doe with the woman leaving the stall.
   
    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the
    Wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The
Dispenser
    For the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no
Doubt)
    Is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook,

    If there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but
Quickly drape it
    Around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put
It on the FLOOR!),
    Yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
   
    In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to
Shake.
    You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to
Wipe the
    Seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
   
    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what
You
    Discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind,
You can
    Hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to
Clean the
    Seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your
Thighs shake
    More.
   
    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
Yesterday -
    The one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around
Your
    Neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle
Yourself at
    The same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the
Puffiest
    Way possible.. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
   
    Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The
    Door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front
Of your
    Chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank
Of theToilet.
    "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
    Precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
Your
    Footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET
SEAT. It is
    Wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
Late.
   
    Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
    Life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down
Toilet paper
    - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.You
Know
    That your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,because,
You're
    Certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
Because,
    Frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you
Could
    Get."
   
    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is
So
    Confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a
Fire hose
    Against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water
That
    Covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush
    Somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
The
    Empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this
    Point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
Wet toilet seat.
    You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found
In your pocket
    And then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
   
    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
Automatic
    Sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel
And walk
    Past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to
Smile
    Politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points
Out a
    Piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that
When you
    NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the
woman's
    Hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
   
    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered,
Used and
    Left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so
Long, and
    Why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
   
    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
Restrooms
    (rest??? You've got to be kidding!!).  Not only does it explain
What
    Really does take us so long, but it also answers the other
Commonly asked
    Question by men as to why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the
    other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you
Kleenex
    under the door!
BABS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unbutton your shirt

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
Driver's' license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
Realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
Very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and
She processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have
Gotten disability, too."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because
You grow old, you grow old because you stop
Laughing.
BABS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A plane passed through a severe storm over the Indian Ocean. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.

Then an Aussie passenger stood up in the rear of the plane. He was tall, handsome, tanned, well built, with sunbleached blonde hair and blue eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.

No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- then get me a beer."
CARL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GOOFPROOF in Wal-Mart

What do husbands do at Wal-Mart

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go

with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to

get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter

sent to

her from the store.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a

commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban

both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our

video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are

listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping

in

Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in

people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at

5-minute intervals.

3. July 7 Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to

the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an

official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of

M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted

area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told

other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the

bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins

to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a

mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,

asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming

the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"

using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse

through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices

again!!!!"

And last, but not least ...

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited

awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 "Tips for Entertaining"

1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.

 

2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.

 

3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."

 

4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.

 

5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY off the TV dinner before serving.

 

6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny butt!

 

7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.

 

8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.

 

9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.

 

10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Running Away"

 

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
 
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said.
 
"Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child.
 
"And what if you run out of money?"
 
"I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child.
 
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
 
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
 
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to Use Your Horse as a Weather Gauge
Discover the top 10 ways your equine pal can act as a personal weatherman.

10. You're walking across the pasture and run smack-dab into a Shetland pony--heavy fog in low-lying areas.

 

9. The horse swishes his tail and knocks you unconscious--icy conditions.

 

8. A 14-hand horse appears to be about 16 hands tall--snow with possible accumulation up to 8 inches.

 

7. The ground looks wet but the hoofprints are dry--very light showers.

 

6. Your horse bites and kicks you--well, that really just means you were an idiot for buying him.

 

5. The horse looks hungry because his big round bale floated away--possible flooding in some areas.

 

4. Your sorrel horse has turned roan--snowfall with little or no accumulation.

 

3. He's slow to leave the hedge row even though you're rattling the feed bucket--excessive heat warning.

 

2. The horse is hanging onto the fence with his teeth--blustery winds (or you've got a cribber).

 

1. The front half of the horse is wet and the back half is dry--isolated showers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Earn Your Desks"
 
Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a
social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock, did
something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with permission
of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she
took all of the desks out of the classroom.
The kids came into first period, they walked in, there were no desks. They
obviously looked around a nd said, "Ms. Cothren, where's our desk?" And she
said, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn them."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
"Maybe it's our behavior."
And she told them, "No, it's not even your behavior."
And so they came and went in the first period, still no desks in the
classroom. Second period, same thing. Third period. By early afternoon
television news crews had gathered in Ms. Cothren's class to find out about
this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of the
classroom. The last period of the day, Martha Cothren gathered her class.
They were at this time sitting on the floor around the sides of
the room. And she says, "Throughout the day no one has really understood how
you earn the desks that sit in this classroom ordinarily." She said, "Now
I'm going to tell you."
Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it, and as
she did 27 U.S. veterans, wearing their uniforms, walked into that
classroom, each one carrying a school desk. And they placed those school
desks in rows, and then th ey stood along the wall. And by the time they had
finished placing those desks, those kids for the first time I think perhaps
in their lives understood how they earned those desks.
Martha said, "You don't have to earn those desks. These guys did it for you. They put them out there for you, b ut it's up to you to sit here responsibly to learn, to be good students and good citizens, because they paid a price for you to have that desk, and don't ever forget it."

THANK YOU, VETS and SERVICEMEMBERS!

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

CREAMY ASPARAGUS SOUP  

2 pounds thin, young asparagus  
2 cups low-salt chicken broth (canned is fine)  
2 cups heavy cream  
1/4 cup chopped chervil or parsley, finely chopped  
salt and pepper to taste  
nutmeg   

Snap tough ends off the asparagus and cook the spears in  
boiling salted water until tender, about 5 minutes. Drain.  
Reserve four tips for garnish and pur?e the remaining  
asparagus in a food processor. Strain. Heat the asparagus  
puree over low heat. Add stock, cream and chervil or parsley.  
Heat and season with salt, white pepper and nutmeg. Ladle  
into bowls and top each serving with a reserved asparagus  
tip.  

Yield: 4 Servings  

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

 How do microwave ovens cook food?

Microwaves have become a ubiquitous appliance in the American kitchen. We use them to heat up last night's dinner, pop some corn, or defrost a T-bone. Despite the fact that millions of people eat "microwaved" food every day, very few know how the process actually works.

A microwave oven uses radio waves, usually in the 2,500 frequency range, to cook food. At that frequency, the waves are absorbed by water, fats, and sugars. When that happens, they are converted directly into atomic motion -- in other words, heat.

When you cook something in the microwave, the radio waves penetrate the food and "excite water and fat molecules." The heat is everywhere at the same time, and the food is heated fairly evenly. When you use a conventional oven, the heat is conducted from the outside of the food to the inside, so the outside may be hot while the inside is still stone cold.

The invention of the microwave oven happened as many inventions do -- by accident. According to the Idea Finder site, two British scientists invented the magnetron, a tube that produces microwaves. Magnetrons were installed in Britain?s radar system during World War II to help spot Nazi warplanes headed to the British Isles.

Percy LeBaron Spencer of the Raytheon Company discovered that microwaves could be used to cook food quite by accident. A candy bar in his pocket melted when he was around the radar waves. Subsequent research showed that microwaves could rapidly increase the internal temperature of food, much faster than conventional ovens. Soon thereafter, Amana Radaranges were being sold as kitchen appliances.

Now if we could just figure out how to cook microwave popcorn without burning half the kernels in the bag...



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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