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April20, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.  Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers WEDNESDAY APRIL 18,2007 I knew my family didn't get out enough when we went to a
local restaurant recently.
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**** synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back. When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football. Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I teach. "Don'ts" include a man reaching into his pant pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting. To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need a man with coins in his pocket." What I got was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!" ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ "Do you remember first meeting your wife?" asks Ed. "Sure," says Jim. "I found her lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her up to her feet & promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life & I'd never allow her near the gutter again." "Wow! I hope she appreciates what you did for her!" "Not really. She hated to give up bowling!" ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ On the wall of the mess hall of one Army base: "This food must be good. Ten thousand flies can't be wrong!" ≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ While dining in a golf club restaurant, my wife and I lost our appetites when a rat scurried past our window. "Waiter!" I said, pointing to the rodent. "What are you going to do about that?" "It's all right, sir," he said unfazed. "I've already confirmed he's a club member." ≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Blonde, by any chance? Strangely, it was only on the weekends that the water suddenly ran cold in my morning shower. I soon discovered, however, that my wife of just a few short months chose the same time to run the dishwasher. I explained to her what happened to the water temperature when both ran at the same time and asked if she'd delay washing the dishes until I was finished. She agreed. The following weekend the water turned cold on me again. When I went down to the kitchen, I discovered my wife was true to her word. She hadn't turned on the dishwasher-but just then she emerged from the basement, where she had put a load of clothes in the washing machine. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day & his 3 teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm & easily passes an aptitude test.The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms & advise you when to start & where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor & has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do no exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn & only having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market & sees a stand selling 25 lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner & displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes & makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 & arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day & working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the 2nd week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns 3 old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, & his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the 2nd year he has 12 very nice used trucks & employs 15 previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes & at the end of the 5th year he owns a fleet of nice trucks & a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus 2 tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless &jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars! Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer & has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e -mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that 5 years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail 5 years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft & making just $5.15 an hour."
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Italian Wedding Night Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was a very nervous. Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta." So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony'sgot a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So, uppa she went again. When she got ther, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security". For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure". ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the local hardware to find the part. Because the sun was so bright that day and the interior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted when he walked in. He accidentally stepped on the foot of a woman examining some samples. She screamed, causing my husband to jump sideways into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as he put his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere. After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work." She replied, simply, "I don't doubt it for a second." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Here are 2 "Timeless" Classics: There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this.. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles". So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them? ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Whenever a patient is admitted to our hospital, a nurse makes a list of his drug allergies and sends it to our pharmacy department so we can enter the information into our computer. We laughed when we received one report from a pediatric patient. He stated he was allergic to "vegetables without dip." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Pupsie was complaining to Barbie that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said Barbie, "and do what I did. "Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him." "Cured him!" asked Pupsie, "but how?" Barbie said, "You see, his name is Andy." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ The Bill (From Deep in the Archives) ---------------------------------- Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. FRED**** ON THIS DAY ****
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -18- Leon "Abner" Weaver of "The Weaver Bros. & Elviry" born Ozark, MO 1886. Billy Liebert, session musician/multi-instrumentalist/conductor born Detroit, MI 1925. Gene Autry recorded his classic "Back in the Saddle Again," 1936. Milton Brown, age 32, Western Swing-leader/vocalist, died Crystal Springs, TX 1936. Gene Autry recorded his theme song "Back In The Saddle Again" 1939. Earl Scruggs married Louise Certain, in Gaffney, SC 1946. Walt Richmond, "The Tractors," born Tulsa, OK 1947. Eddy Arnold topped the charts with "Anytime" 1948. Kyle Lehning, producer/recording industry executive born Cairo, IL 1949. Red Foley hosted his last Prince Albert, Grand Ole Opry show, 1953. Carl Perkins' "Blue Suede Shoes" was #1 on the charts 1956. Buck Owens recorded "Save The Last Dance For Me" 1962. Johnny Cash's "Understand Your Man" topped the charts 1964. Wanda Jackson recorded "Along Came You/I Wanna Waltz" 1966. Freddie Hart's "My Hang-up Is You" topped the charts 1972. Eddie Rabbitt's "I Wanna Dance With You" went to No. 1 in 1988. Johnny Cash filmed his "Delia's Gone" video the 18th—21st 1994. River North Nashville released Holly Dunn's "Life and Love and All the Stages" 1995. Tony Brown, Nashville producer and record company executive, was critically injured in a fall in Los Angeles in 2003. Brown was transported to the UCLA Medical Center in L.A. Harry Dailey, age 51, musician/songwriter, died Falls Church, VA 2003.
Texas swing act Asleep at the Wheel was
added to the line-up for this year's inaugural Stagecoach, California's country
music festival set for Saturday, May 5 and Sunday, May 6 in Indio. The Grammy
Award winners join a roster featuring George Strait, Kenny Chesney, Brooks &
Dunn, Alan Jackson, Sara Evans, Sugarland, Willie Nelson, Emmylou Harris, Pat
Green, Lucinda Williams, Kris Kristofferson, Nickel Creek, Raul Malo and Ricky
Skaggs.
My friends would like me to perform their
marriage ceremony. How can I become an ordained
minister? Tell your daughter to stop changing her
lipstick color. I'm getting a rainbow on my forehead
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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