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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.  Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers MONDAY APRIL 23,2007 The
president of Mexico
has announced that Mexico
will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?" The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" ~~~~~~~~~~~GOOFPROOF~~~~~~~~~~~~ A seven-year old wandered into the room where her brand-new baby brother was being nursed. Because of her interest in the process, the nurse on call carefully explained how mother animals make milk for their babies, humans as well. The child seemed satisfied with the answer and was silent for a moment. Suddenly she looked up and with a puzzled expression on her face said, "But, is it pasteurized?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?" "Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash" and to the racks where we slept as "my racks." One time when when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us. To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the baliff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ATTENTION MEN Caffeine prevents hair loss, claim Treating hair with caffeine products can stop men from going bald, according to a new German study. Professor Peter Elsner, part of the team at the Jena University, said that the stimulant has the most effect on men whose hair roots were very sensitive to testosterone, one of the causes of hair loss. But the research does not mean that coffee drinkers will be spared a bald head in later life, only those who smear it directly on their heads. Adolf Klenk of Kurt Wolff cosmetic research said: "One would have to drink between 60 and 80 cups of coffee a day for the necessary amount of caffeine to reach the roots." He said that men who are frightened that they may lose their hair should start treating their scalps with caffeine while they are still young. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please leave a light on.... A mother asked her son if he saw Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. "No, it was too dark," he said. "But I heard what he shouted when he stubbed his toe in the living room." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN? Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below... OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business. CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just one of the many things Rhonda has to look forward to One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls," she chirped. Looking into the rear view mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added. "Well, yes they do" I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um, well." I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well," I stammered. She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked." That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it, and I did, she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From a church Sign.... Being thankful is more about having a full heart than having a full table. **** ON THIS DAY **** The university professor challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!" "God created everything?" The professor asked. "Yes sir", the student replied. The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then God is evil". The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth. Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?" "Of course", replied the professor. The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?" "What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question. The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460° F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat." The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?" The professor responded, "Of course it does." The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present." Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil." To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light." The professor sat down. The young man's name --- Albert Einstein And now you know the restof the story ~~~~~ While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide. "He's a fine looking boy," the man said. "That's my son on the swing in the blue sweater." Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. "What do you say we go, Todd?" Todd pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes." The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. "Time to go now?" Again Todd pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes." The man smiled and said, "O.K." "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded. The man smiled and then said, "My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd. He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch him play." Life is all about making priorities, what are your priorities? ~ Author Unknown Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
**** ON THIS DAY
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It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -22- Glen Campbell, "The Rhinestone Cowboy," born Delight, AR 1936. Ray Griff, born Vancouver, British Columbia 1940. Al Dexter topped the charts with "Too Late To Worry, Too Blue To Cry" 1944. Cleve Francis born Jennings, LA, 1945. Pat Enright, "Nashville Bluegrass Band," born Huntington, IN 1945. Reuben Gosfield, "Asleep At The Wheel" born Philadelphia, PA 1951. Heath Wright, singer/songwriter, "Ricochet," born Vian, OK 1967. "The Four Guys," joined the Grand Old Opry 1967. Loretta Lynn topped the charts with "Fist City" 1968. Steve Sholes, record industry executive, died 1968. Inducted CMFH 1967. Marty Robbins released "The Chair/Seventeen Years" 1971. Eddie Rabbitt's single "Drinkin My Baby" was #1 in 1976. Kellie Coffey, born Moore, OK 1978. Kenny Rogers and Dottie West's "Every Time Two Fools Collide," went to #1 in 1978. Johnny Lee and Lane Brody's duet "The Yellow Rose" topped the charts 1984. Clint Black debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 1989. Fred Kirby, age 86, recording artist/DJ died 1996. Warner Brothers released Anita Cochran's debut album "Back to You" 1997. Kingfisher released Lynn Anderson's album "Rose Garden" 1997. Felice Bryant, age 77, died Gatlinburg, TN 2003. Inducted NSHF 1972. CMHF 1991. Vince Gill named recipient of the PGA's 2003 Distinguished Service Award. It is the Professional Golfers' Association's highest honor. -23- The New York Journal printed the word "Hillbilly" for the first time 1900. Roy Orbison born Vernon, TX 1936. Manuel, clothes designer for the stars, born in Mexico, 1938. Roland White, "Nashville Bluegrass Band," born Madawaska, ME 1938. Bob Wills topped the charts with "Smoke On The Water" 1945. Hank Williams went to #1 with "Your Cheatin' Heart" 1953. Mark Schatz, Bluegrass bassist, born Philadelphia, PA 1955. Elvis Presley made his debut appearance in Las Vegas, at the New Frontier Hotel. The audience reaction was less than enthusiastic, and the second week of the engagement was cancelled 1956. Elvis would not return to Las Vegas for thirteen years. Dave Rich recorded "Red Sweater" for RCA 1957. Marty Robbins "Don't Worry" went to No. 1 in 1961. Glenn Campbell's "Galveston" topped the charts in 1969. Tom T. Hall recorded "Deal" 1975. Loretta Lynn's "She's Got You" went to No. 1 in 1977. Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins recorded their Live album "The Survivors" at a concert in Stuttgart, Germany 1981. Ocie Stockard, age 78, Western Swing/multi-instrumentalist, died in Fort Worth, TX 1988. Tracy Lawrence's "Alibis," went to # 1 in 1993. Lee Roy Parnell, Billy Ray Cyrus, Garth Brooks and Rhett Akins surprised Charley Daniels, and an audience of 13,000 fans, with their surprise appearance at Charley's '99 Volunteer Jam concert in Nashville, TN 1999. The Library of Congress honored Johnny Cash with their Living Legend award 2000. Chuck Reeves, music director at KBUL in Reno, NV married Debbie Roszelle on Montgomery Gentry's tour bus after a concert in 2004.
Frosty
Strawberry Dessert Are crop circles real or just an urban
legend? LAST CALL Y'ALL Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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