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April26, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.  Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY APRIL 24,2007
flight was going to be delayed by
twenty-four
hours.
He called the airline to complain.
The ticket agent said, "I can help
you with that.
I can still get you a seat on
yesterday's flight.
It will be leaving later
today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Archaeologists
Digs"
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientist Graeme McGinty found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years, and came to
the conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks
that followed, Welsh scientist David Llewellwyn dug to
a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, articles in
the
Welsh newspapers read: "Welsh
archaeologists
have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the
Scots."
One week later, "The Klub", a Sunburg,
Minnesota, newspaper reported the following: "After digging as
deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Games
Lake,
Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist,
reported
that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Norwegians were already using
wireless."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "WWJD"
A man was being tailgated by a
stressed out woman
on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow,
just in front of him.
He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious
and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get
through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she
heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police
officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and
placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for
this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I
noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License
plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk . Naturally, I assumed you had
stolen the
car."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our bumpy, potholed street had no outlet, and a sign reading "Not a through street" was posted at its entrance. For years I watched through my window as cars rumbled down the battered roadway. One day I looked outside and was delighted to see that a crew had finally been dispatched to do the repaving. When it appeared as if the job was done, one worker ripped a piece of tape from a roll he kept in his coveralls pocket. He walked over to our road sign and covered up a couple of letters. When he moved away, I saw that the sign now read "Not a rough street." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You've never seen two greener recruits than Danny and me the day we arrived for basic training. We were immediately assigned guard duty, and soon after, Danny was approached by an officer. "Halt! Who goes there?" Danny shouted. The officer identified himself and waited for a response. And waited . "What's wrong, soldier, don't you remember what comes next?" "No," Danny yelled back. "And you're not taking another step until I do!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The new sweatshirt my son-in-law, Dennis, had worn left a blue dye over his upper body. He decided to submerge himself in the bathtub to try to soak it off. Billy, my four-year-old grandson, entered the bathroom, looked at his Dad, then left. A few minutes later the phone rang, and Dennis got out of the tub to answer it. A concerned voice asked if he was all right. Billy had called 9-1-1. "My mommy's at work," he told them, "and my daddy's in the bathtub, and he's all blue!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass will always become a jackass. Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While shooting an episode of "Happy Days" one afternoon, Tom Bosley (who played Howard Cunningham on the show) was directed to hit a golf ball through the front door (from the family living room) into the front yard. Bosley promptly teed up - and hit the ball off the door jamb. It rebounded off the door and back into the room, norrowly missing his testicles. As the laughter died down, Bosley replaced the ball, readied himself for another take, and turned toward the audience. "I hope you folks don't have any plans," he said, "until later this evening!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My twelve-year-old nephew answered the phone. "Hello," he whispered. "Hi Adam, How's your mother?" I asked. "She's sleeping," he answered, again in a whisper. "Did she go to the doctor?" I asked. "Yes. She got some medicine," my nephew said softly. "Well, don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again in a soft whisper, he answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
If people had to live on food
for thought, imagine how hungry some of them would get "Retirement is
like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not
so fully that you run out of money." (Jonathan Clements) The leading producer of methane worldwide, is either cow or termite flatulence - depending upon who is doing the estimating! &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Reader's Submissions
**** You might be a school employee if
.... ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ A flight attendant is on the red-eye
to Manila when a water leak develops in the galley, which eventually soaks the
carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman who becomes
aware of the dampness tugs at the attendant's skirt as she passes by. “Has it
been raining?” she asks the flight attendant. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤ The passenger aircraft was fully loaded and in the air after takeoff when the announcement came over the loudspeaker: “Ladies and gentlemen, we've been working on a fully automatic piloting system for years that doesn't need a flight crew and are proud to announce that it has been perfected. You are the first passengers to fly controlled by software-only with nobody in the cockpit. We are proud that during all our testing there has never been a mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake...” ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ I have a habit of leaving myself notes of things to do around the house. Once, when I went out early, leaving my recently retired husband still in bed, I left myself a note to “Do the laundry.” When I got home, my note was still on the counter, but with a second note next to it: “Say please next time.” ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ While at the deli counter, I noticed
a new dish: Caribbean chicken. As the clerk measured some out for me, she
assured me it was very hot and spicy. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ FRED **** ON THIS DAY **** **** HEADS UP FOLKS
**** Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@earthlink.net Subject Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** COUNTRY CALENDAR **** -24- Bobby Gregory born Staunton, VA 1900. Eldon Shamblin, guitarist/arranger, "Texas Playboys," born Weatherford, OK 1916. Richard Sterban "Oakridge Boys," born Camden, NJ 1943. Larry Rice, Bluegrass/mandolin, born 1949. Harry "Haywire Mac" McClintock, age 74, died in San Francisco, CA 1957. Johnnie & Jack recorded "Poison Love" 1958. Flatt & Scruggs recorded "Polka On A Banjo" 1960. Edsel released The Flying Burrito Brothers second album "Burrito Deluxe" featuring Gram Parsons 1970. Rebecca Lynn Howard, singer/songwriter, born Salyerville, KY 1979. Gale Binkley, age 83, of the Binkley Brothers Dixie Clodhoppers, died 1979. Jerry Lee Lewis, age 48, married Kerrie McCarver, age 22, in 1984. This was the killer's sixth marriage. Tom T. Hall recorded "Down At The Mall" 1986. Farm Aid IV was held in Ames, IA 1993. Tim McGraw celebrated the release of his album, "Set This Circus Down" by giving free concerts in NYC and Nashville in 2001. MCA released "The Best of Freddy Fender" 2001. Mercury released "The Best of Flatt & Scruggs" 2001. Tracy Byrd named Naches River Festival's "Citizen of the Year," in Beaumont, TX 2003. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Alan Jackson Selling Car Parts for Children's Home Alan Jackson will sell a variety of car parts from his garage on Saturday (April 21) in Nashville to benefit the Tennessee Baptist Children's Home. Items include four custom 1966 Cadillac wire wheels with tires, a Hummer H-2 roof rack, four aluminum wheels with tires from an Aston Martin, a Harley-Davidson windshield, a Tremec five-speed manual transmission, motorcycle helmets and a bevy of parts for Toyota, Ford, Chevrolet, Land Rover and other vehicles. Household items, furniture and electronics from Jackson's home will also be part of the sale, which will be held at 1310 Franklin Rd. in Brentwood, Tenn., at 8 a.m. Admission is free. New Keith Urban, Terri Clark Videos Are Online at CMT.com New music videos from Keith Urban and Terri Clark have been added for free streaming at CMT.com. Urban's "I Told You So" was shot partially in South Africa by director Charles Mehling, who also directed the video for Dierks Bentley's "Long Trip Alone." It's the latest single from Urban's Love, Pain & the Whole Crazy Thing. Clark's "Dirty Girl" is the initial single from her upcoming album that's set for release this summer. It's her first project for BNA Records. Both videos make their CMT on-air debut when the new episode of Top Twenty Countdown premieres Thursday (April 19) at 4 p.m. ET. View the new videos on CMT Loaded. Wagonmaster: Porter Wagoner’s 50th Opry Anniversary Signature Show Set For May 19 Country Music Hall of Famer Porter Wagoner will celebrate his 50th anniversary as an Opry member during performances of the Grand Ole Opry® presented by Cracker Barrel Old Country Store® on Sat., May 19, the latest in the Opry’s Signature Show series. Among the artists scheduled to participate in the celebration are fellow Opry members Dolly Parton (Wagoner’s duet partner from 1967 to 1974) and Patty Loveless, whom Wagoner inducted as an official Opry member in June 1988. Marty Stuart will host a one-hour portion of the night’s show to air on Grand Ole Opry Live on Great American Country (GAC) at 8:00 p.m. EST. Stuart produced Wagoner’s upcoming album, WAGONMASTER, due in stores June 5. Wagoner has had 81 charting singles, including 29 Top 10 records and Country classics such as “A Satisfied Mind,” “Misery Loves Company,” “The Hard Cold Facts of Life,” “The Carroll County Accident,” and “Green, Green Grass of Home.” Wagoner had the syndicated Porter Wagoner Show, which ran for 21 years and reached more than 100 TV markets. It was on this show that Wagoner introduced the world to Dolly Parton. The pair went on to have 14 Top 10 duet hits and to win three consecutive CMA Awards as Duo of the Year. CRYSTAL GAYLE WINS AWARD, MAINTAINS POPULARITY IN 2007 Gayle named Best Female Entertainer by American Entertainment Magazine For Immediate Release NASHVILLE, TN — The 2nd Annual American Entertainment Magazine Reader’s Choice Awards named Crystal Gayle “Best Female Entertainer” as Gayle continues to tour the globe. Gayle commented on the award: “I really appreciated being voted “Best Female Entertainer,” and I’m pleased that my show is appreciated by talent buyers and promoters. I love performing, and we always have a great time with our audience and everyone we work with. I’m happy that my band, crew and staff are all professional, talented and nice; they help make touring easy and fun.” Three dozen hit records and 19 number ones to date mark Gayle’s continued success as she enters 2007 and prepares to embark on yet another worldwide tour. Popular hits decorating her show include “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue,” “Talking In Your Sleep” and “Half the Way..” With a track record as long as her trademark floor-length hair, the recognition from the American Entertainment Magazine is well-deserved. American Entertainment Magazine is a publication exclusively devoted to corporate and private entertainment bookings, showcasing top industry talent to the most influential promoters and buyers worldwide. Visit www.americanentertainmentmagazine.com for more information on the organization. For more information or to catch a show on Gayle’s tour, check out her tour schedule at www.crystalgayle.com. **** Amy's Kitchen **** COCONUT CREME BRULEE 1 cup heavy cream 1 cup coconut milk, fresh or canned 8 egg yolks 1/3 cup granulated white sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla 2 tablespoons Malibu rum 1/4 cup granulated white sugar (for the caramelized tops) (optional) 3 tablespoons toasted, sweetened, flaked coconut DIRECTIONS: Preheat oven to 300 degrees. In a large bowl, combine the cream, coconut milk, egg yolks, sugar, vanilla, and rum. Whisk until smooth. Skim off any foam or bubbles. Divide mixture among 6 ramekins or custard cups. Place in a water bath and bake until set around the edges, but still loose in the center, about 50 minutes. Remove from oven and leave in the water bath until cooled. Remove cups from water bath and chill for at least 2 hours, or up to 2 days. When ready to serve, sprinkle about 2 teaspoons of sugar over each custard and caramelize with small butane torch. When the top has hardened, sprinkle the toasted coconut evenly over the finished creme brulee. NOTES: To toast coconut, spread it out in a thin layer on a baking sheet. Place in a 300 degree oven for 10 to 12 minutes, until lightly browned. Shake the baking sheet a few times while toasting, checking often to be sure it doesn't burn. Also, if you do not have the torch you can put under the broiler one at a time to caramelize the sugar but watch carefully to prevent burning them. Yield: Serves 6 "Sweet & Spicy Pork Stir Fry" (D) 1.) 8 ounces pork, fat trimmed, cubed 2.) 1 carrot, peeled and thinly sliced 3.) 2 potatoes, unpeeled, diced 4.) 1 small onion, diced 5.) 1 cup diced celery 6.) 2 cups shredded green cabbage Sauce Ingredients:
1.) 1 tablespoon cornstarch 2.) 1/3 cup cold water 3.) 1/4 cup reduced-sodium soy sauce 4.) 1/4 cup ketchup 5.) 2 tablespoons brown sugar Preparation:
Spray large saucepan with cooking spray; add pork and cook over medium-high heat, stirring frequently, until meat is browned. Add carrot and potatoes; cook 5 minutes, stirring often. Add onion, celery, and cabbage; cook 5 minutes or until potato is tender. Combine cornstarch and water in small bowl, whisking
until cornstarch is dissolved. Add soy sauce, ketchup, and brown sugar; mix well. Pour sauce over stir-fry and toss to coat.
Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes. Yield: Serves 4. Nutritional Information Per Serving (1/4 of recipe): Calories: 243, Fat: 5.3 g, Cholesterol: 26.5 mg, Sodium: 781 mg, Protein: 16.2 g, Carbohydrate: 33.7 g Diabetic Exchanges: 2 Bread/Starch, 2 Meat. Source: The Daily Diabetic Recipe Newsletter
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** What causes hangover
symptoms? And what are the best ways to relieve them?
Our five children were particularly quarrelsome one morning, and my wife had had to lay down the law several times. Later that day our seven-year-old son asked, “Mom, what's PMS?” She explained that some women become irritable at certain times each month due to circumstances beyond their control. “Mom, do you get PMS?” he asked. “No,” she replied. After a thoughtful pause, he pressed, “Are you sure you didn't have it this morning?”
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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