Today's Quote on Laughter is by
Nicolas Chamfort . . . . . . .
"The most wasted day of all is that on which
we have not laughed."
And why we send you GGG...We know that LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS
and we urge you to be a carrier. GGG's are sent to you just for the
fun of it with the hope you get a laff or two or maybe a hearty belly
shaker.
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We begin with a
bit of INSPIRATION -
"Obituary"
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death
of one
of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be
difficult to fill.
Else has been with us for many years and for every one
of those
years, Someone did far more than a normal person's
share of the
work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach,
or a
meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list,
"Let
Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned,
this
wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well
as results;
"Someone Else can work with that group." It was
common
knowledge that Someone Else was among the most
liberal
givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial
need,
everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up
the
difference. Someone Else was a wonderful person;
sometimes
appearing superhuman. Were the truth known,
everybody
expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else
is
gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else
left
a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to
follow it?
Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? When
you
are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't
depend on
Someone Else anymore.
--Author Unknown
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There is this guy that wanted to
start a farm, but being from New York City, known nothing about
farming.
He moved to another country and
bought a farm. One day he set out to find some animals. He was driving along the
country road and saw a guy selling Hens. He stopped and asked the guy, "How much
for the hens?" The guy selling the hens replies, "Well, these cost extra, they
are not hens, these are called Pullits." The New Yorker agrees and pays the
extra money. So he gets in his car with his Pullit and drives father down the
road.
He then sees a guy selling
roosters, He walks up to the guy and says, "How much for the Roosters?" The guy
replies, "Well these aren't roosters these are cocks and they cost extra." Again
the New Yorker agrees and pays the extra money for the cock. Feeling good about
himself he gets into he car and continues to drive down the
road.
Then he sees someone selling
donkeys. He stops and asks, "How much for the donkey?" The person selling the
donkey then replies, "Well, these donkey aren't just donkey they are called
asses, they cost extra!" The New Yorker agrees and pays the extra money. Just as
he was about to leave with his donkey the person that sold him it calls out,
"Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell ya, every thirty minutes you have to scratch it's
head or it will get grumpy."
The new Yorker now was getting
tired and got in his car with the animals he had just bought anddecided it was
time to drive the 45 miles home. After thirty minutes of driving he remembered
what the Donkey seller told him. He saw some one walking on the side of the road
a pulled over. Got out of the car and Said, "Can you hold my cock and pullit,
while I scratch my ass?"
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A young businessman had just
started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished
with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come
into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up
the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge
figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the
visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I'm from the local
telephone company, I've come here to activate your phone
lines"
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State Government Employee sits in
his office and out of boredom, decides to see whats in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass
lamp.
"This will look nice on my
mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a
genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for a beautiful Castle right
now!" He gets one.
Now that he can think more
clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing
him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish Id never have
to work ever again." OOPS!
Hes back in his government
office.
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There once was a baby elephant
and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the
turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really
hard.
Years and years later, the same
elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe
buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders
up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and
kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle
bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good
memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've
got Turtle-Recall."
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An idiot decided to start a
chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the
dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had
died.
A month later he was back at the
dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also
died.
"But I think I know where I'm
going wrong," said the idiot, "I think I'm planting them too
deep."
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The new father ran out of the
delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the
news: "We had twins!"
The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who
do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each
other."
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Knowing all surgical procedures
carry risks, I thought it prudent to write a few farewell letters to my loved
ones prior to my operation. I left the envelopes prominently displayed on the
night table in my hospital room.
Surgery went well, but I spent the night in a different
room. By the morning my belongings had been transferred to my new room, except
for my "farewells." Fortunately, before I did anything, a nurse came bustling
in, my envelopes in her hand. "What would you like me to do with these farewell
notes...that’s what they are?"
A trifle embarrassed, I told her I intended to tear them
up and throw them out.
"Oh, no, don’t do that," she advised. "Keep them.
They’ll come in handy next time."
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During one of our town auctions,
a sad-looking jersey cow, up for bids, was wandering around and around the ring
as the auctioneer chattered for a buyer. After he had decreased the asking price
several times, he called out, "Just give us 200." The cow suddenly stopped in
front of his booth, rested her head high on the podium and let out a long
"Moooo."
The auctioneer took off his hat, wiped his brow and
commiserated, "I know, dear, but they just won't pay any
more."
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When Harry Truman was vacating
the White House, he sank exhausted into a chair and stared glumly at the huge
piles of crates. "If I'd known how much packing I'd have to do, I'd have run for
another term!"
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Overheard at a men's meeting- "My
wife has to be the world's worst cook!"
"Oh, yeah, what makes you think
so?"
"Well, her cooking is so bad that the flies took up a
collection to get the hole in the screen fixed."
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A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling,
"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her
Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read
the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two
females.
So they put the four parrots together. The females
yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One
male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to
heaven!"
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Speedy Morris was the basketball
coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning he was
shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that
Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.
Coach Morris was excited that his
team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports
maga- zine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his
razor.
Covered with blood and shaving lather and running
downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding
and bruised, he made it to the phone and breath- lessly said,
"Hello?"
The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy
Morris?"
"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.
Then the voice continued, "Mr.
Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year
subscription to Sports Illustrated."
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A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling,
"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her
Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read
the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two
females.
So they put the four parrots together. The females
yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One
male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to
heaven!"
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Thought for the day - The reason you're "here" is not to
be good, to be better, to be perfect, to get "stuff" done, to save the world, to
save a person, to prove something, or to be anything... other than
YOURSELF.
That's ALL you have to work on. That's all you can do.
And by doing it... all those other things will happen
anyway.
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Balance:
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have
you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly
pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've
made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is
it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still
confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of
white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things,"
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one
will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in
ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to
a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's
Washington State, a glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains,
rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington
State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats, and carriers of peace.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
"But what about balance, God? You said there would be
balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you
see the idiots I put there."
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We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank.
While
there has been money lenders
throughout the ages, full service
banks are a relatively new
phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually
considered the man who developed
modern banking as we know
t today. He enlisted the aid of
Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague
and chief financial
advisor of King Charles II. The two were
able
to convince the Bohemian monarch
to finance this new experiment
in banking. So
really,
... credit should go to a Czech king, a count and
Cache.
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The conservative businessman got
on the elevator and curtly
asked the bellboy to take him to
the 18th floor.
"Sure thing, son." replied the
bellboy.
"How dare you call me son!!"
exclaimed the outraged man.
"Well," replied the boy... "I
brought you up, didn't I?"
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Just about everyone has heard the phrase Stanley
supposedly
said upon finally locating the man he had searched for
through
most of Africa: "Doctor Livingstone, I
presume."
I'll bet y'all don't know the good doctor's reply
though: "Do
you have an appointment?"
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On a family vacation
in Texas, my brother-in-law Mike exhibited the
exuberance of a
tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered
cheeseburgers. When
his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed
was its
size.
"Wow," he exclaimed,
"everything is bigger in Texas!"
As he lifted the
burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare
of a 300-pound
waitress.
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Today's useless fact
- Is it true that opals contain a lot of water?
Opals usually
contain 4 to 9 percent water, but some may contain up to 30 percent water.
These precious stones are formed from lumps of silica and are actually
silicon dioxide and water. The water in the stone cannot escape unless the
opal is heated to extreme temperatures.
Most opal is more
than 60 million years old and is typically found where hot springs
once flowed. The silica in the springs lined the walls of cracks, vents,
and cavities in the bedrock.
When the hot springs
dried up, the silica hardened into opal. It is one of the few gemstones
that is sedimentary in origin.
An opal has an
extraordinary ability to refract light and reflect specific wavelengths of
light. This capability is so unique that the term "opalescence" was coined
to describe it. Each tiny
sphere of silica
within an opal refracts a single pure spectral color depending on the size
and spacing of the sphere. Looking at an opal can be like looking at water
droplets in a rainbow.
High-quality opals
can bring as much as $80,000 per carat, making them more valuable than
diamonds.
Arabs believed that
opals have a fiery color because they fell from heaven in flashes of
lightning.
Archeologists have
found 6,000-year-old opal ornaments in African caves.
Opals were set in
the crown of the Holy Roman Emperor and in the crown jewels of
France.
The ancient Aztecs
mined opals in Central and South America.
Opals are considered
to be very magical. They are reputed to have healing powers and are used
for various rituals. Black opals are the choice of witches. However,
wearing a black opal near the heart is said to ward off evil and protect
travelers.
Although opals are
found in various parts of the world, 90 per-cent of the world's gem-quality
opals come from southern Australia. All black opals come from
Australia.
It is said that
Cleopatra wore an opal to attract the gaze of Mark
Antony.
~source used: "Do Fish Drink Water?" by Bill
McLain
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After dinner and a
movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country
road and made his
move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to
his kissing, he
tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly,
she jerked away, got
out of the car in a hurry, and ran home.
Later that night,
she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends
are her own two
legs."
On their next date,
Carl returned to the country road. As they
were kissing
passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt.
Once again, she
pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home.
Later that night,
she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best
friends are her own
two legs."
On the third date,
the pair returned to the country road. This
time, Mary didn't
get home until very late. That night, she wrote
in her diary, "There
comes a time when even the best of friends
must
part."
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The local Irish
District Judge had given the defendant a lecture
on the evils of
drink. But in view of the fact that this was the
first time the man
had been drunk and incapable, the case was
dismissed on payment
of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me
ever see your face again," said the Justice
sternly as the
defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't
promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!
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My daughter, Mary,
goes to extremes in caring for her new sports
car. One afternoon
we went to get gas. When the attendant asked
what kind, Mary
said, "Unleaded -- super. The best you have. And
check the oil,
please."
When the man found
the car needed a quart, he asked, "What kind do
you
use?"
"I just want the
finest," Mary said. "Whatever it costs. And look
at the radiator too.
It might need water."
"What does it take,"
the attendant inquired, "Perrier?"
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This is for all
you CUBS FANS and TRIVIA BUFFS ••••••••
"About those
Cubs..."
In 1908, the Chicago
Cubs won the World Series. Since then:
1. Radio was
invented.
2. Four states were
admitted to the Union.
3. The atomic bomb
was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
4. Television was
invented.
5. The U.S. went
through the Great Depression.
6. The U.S.
participated in two world wars and two major armed conflicts, Korea and
Vietnam.
7. The NFL was
founded.
8. Man landed on the
moon.
9. Thirteen
presidents were elected and one was appointed.
10. Harry Carey was
born.
11. Wrigley Field
was built and became the oldest baseball park in the National
League.
12. Five flag poles,
erected at Wrigley Field for the purpose of holding a World Series
flag, have worn out and been replaced without ever holding a
pennant.
13. Lights were
installed at twenty-five major league baseball stadiums -- except Wrigley
Field.
14. Ten teams were
added to the major leagues.
15. Halley's Comet
passed the earth twice.
16. Hundreds of boys
were born, raised, played inept baseball for the Cubs, retired and died
of old age.
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Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
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recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
