The Funnies Archives Index | Subscribe | RSS
<< April26, 2007 - The Daily Funnies April30, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >>

Subject: The Daily Funnies - April27, 2007



 
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TGIF

FRIDAY APRIL 27,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
Goofproof

FOR TRUE COUNTRY LOVERS

Ernest Tubb Midnite Jamboree 60th Anniversary Celebration

Please Join Us In Celebration:
Ernest Tubb Record Shops
&
Ernest Tubb Midnite Jamboree
60th Anniversary Celebration & our 3,143rd Consecutive Broadcast* – WSM
Texas Troubadour Theatre
May 5, 2007
Reception 10:00 PM - 11:20 PM
Grand Ole Opry Star, Jeannie Seely, Hostess
With Special Guests,
A Reunion of 1960’s Texas Troubadours:
Buddy Charleton, Don Mills, Junior Pruneda,
Leon Rhodes, & Steve Chapman
(*We will be going on the air at 11:30 PM)
If you are unable to attend, we would appreciate hearing from you. Your message will be aired that night on the Midnite Jamboree. A letter, email or audio (cd format only) if you can provide.
Please help us celebrate this milestone of a world-wide country music institution.

RSVP: David McCormick
P.O. Box 500
Nashville, Tennessee 37202
(615) 232-2288
Email: davidmcc@comcast.net

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him
is a guy who is dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and
jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the guy,

"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen,
taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,

"Of course, Joe Cohen! Take the silken robe and staff, and enter the
Kingdom of Heaven. Welcome!"

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and next it's
the minister's turn. He stands straight and tall and booms out,

"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of St. Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. Soon he finds the minister's name and
says to the minister,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven. Welcome, Joseph Snow!

"Whoa...just a minute, Peter." says the minister.
"That man ahead of me was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and
golden staf?. How can that be? Now tell me that's got be a big mistake!"

"No. Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached
people slept....

     while Joe drove his taxi, people prayed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BRITTANY (4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the
lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and
she'd have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four Marines are walking down the street. When they see a sign that
says "Veterans Bar" they go in. The bartender asks what they will have
and they all ask for a martini. He delivers the drinks and says, "That
will be 10 cents." They can't believe their good luck. They finish the
drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will
be 10 cents."

This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender,
"How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"

The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a
retired Navy Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a
bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open
this place for veterans. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer,
all the same."

They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't
ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are some Army troops;
they're waiting for happy hour."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Signs That You're Broke.....

~ At communion you go back for seconds.

~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

~ Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

~ You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

~ McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

~ Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

~ You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
BEEN THERE
BROKE = MACARONI AND CHEESE 33 CENTS A BOX
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ALL ABOUT $0.00
In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, England) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY checks they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company.

It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose checks had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

This true story was also available to be viewed on the ABC website
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only
thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand
grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time
in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when
Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call
his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You
are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you
for making us move to Detroit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man is like an automobile...

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U- joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.

The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!

It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the'low position'and ya can't get any where that way.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist.

"Everything is coming up roses!" he would say.

The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy,
as in Murphy's Law, was an optimist.

The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist.
He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins' personalities.
. . .

"On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts.
Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a
box of manure."

The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the
results.

When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him
audibly complaining,

"I don't like the color of this computer . . I'll bet this calculator
will break . . . I don't like the game . . . I know someone who's got a
bigger toy car than this . . ."

Tip-toeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their
little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was
giggling.

    "You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's gotta be
a pony!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEN SIGNS YOUR VET BILL IS GOING TO REQUIRE FINANCING

The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.

The bill came with payment coupons.

Your doberman just ate the receptionist.

"He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"

He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.

They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.

The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.

You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.

"Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"

and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:

"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to write the order, one to consult, and one to watch the nurse do it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to:
mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& 
You can join The Funnies
IT'S  FREE
To subscribe, Click on link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

**** DIABETIC NEWS ****

Study Finds Major Depression Connection to Diabetes  

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Elderly people who are depressed  
are more likely to become diabetic than those who are  
not, according to a study that suggests depression may  
play a role in causing the most common form of diabetes.  

Writing on Monday in the Archives of Internal Medicine,  
the researchers said people with a high number of symptoms  
of depression were about 60 percent more likely to develop  
type 2 diabetes, formerly called adult-onset diabetes,  
than people who are not depressed.  

Unlike some other studies examining a link between  
depression and diabetes, this one looked at the effects  
not only of single bouts of depression but also of chronic  
depression and depression that worsened over time. It found  
an increased risk for diabetes in each of those scenarios.  

Researchers tracked 4,681 men and women in North Carolina,  
California, Maryland and Pennsylvania ages 65 and older,  
with an average age of 73, who did not have diabetes when  
the study began in 1989.  

For 10 years, they were screened annually for 10 symptoms  
of depression, including those related to mood,  
irritability, calorie intake, concentration and sleep.  

"People who report higher depressive symptoms may not  
take as good a care of themselves as they should,"  
lead researcher Mercedes Carnethon of the Northwestern  
University's Feinberg School of Medicine said in an  
interview.  

"For example, they may be less physically active, and thus  
more likely to gain weight, which is the primary risk  
factor for diabetes," Carnethon said.  

But the study statistically accounted for known lifestyle  
risk factors for diabetes like being overweight and  
sedentary, and still found that depression increased the  
risk of diabetes.  

Carnethon said the findings suggest depression may play a  
role in causing diabetes. While the study did not explore  
possible biological mechanisms, Carnethon said a high level  
of the stress hormone cortisol in depressed people may be  
the reason.  

Diabetes is marked by high levels of blood glucose result-  
ing from defects in the production or action of insulin,  
which allows glucose to enter the body's cells for use as  
fuel. High cortisol levels, the researchers said, may cut  
insulin sensitivity and raise fat deposits around the  
waist.  

"Diabetes not only causes heart disease, but is strongly  
related to strokes, blindness, kidney failure, amputations.  
Diabetes is a very serious condition that's highly  
prevalent in older adults," Carnethon said.  

Diabetes is a growing worldwide problem, closely tied to  
obesity. Type 2 diabetes accounts for about 95 percent of  
all cases.  

The findings point to the importance of doctors screening  
older adults for depression and, if it's present, for  
diabetes risk, Carnethon said.  

Copyright 2007 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.   


Diabetic Recipe   

   Easy Sticky Buns
   

 10 Servings  

1 packet Butter Buds Mix, dry  
1/4 cup hot water  
3 tablespoons packed light brown sugar  
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon  
1 1/2 tablespoons chopped walnuts  
1 package (7.5 ounces) refrigerated biscuits  

1. Preheat oven to 375°F. Spray an 8-inch round baking pan  
   with nonstick cooking spray.  

2. In a small bowl, combine the Butter Buds, water, brown  
   sugar, and cinnamon. Pour into the prepared pan.  
   Sprinkle with nuts. Arrange the biscuits in a single  
   layer on top of the nuts.  

3. Bake 15 to 20 minutes or until well browned. Immediately  
   invert onto a serving plate.  

Per serving: 80 calories, 1 g protein, 2 g total fat  
             (<1 g saturated fat), 16 g carbohydrate,  
             0 cholesterol, 240 mg sodium  

Exchanges: 1 carbohydrate (1 bread/starch)  

Copyright 1997-2001 Diabetic-Lifestyle 
 

**** Reader's Submissions ****

"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects."

Arnold H. Glasgow

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

Here we are with another collection of GRINS, GIGGLES and GROANERS.

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a&#10;rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?" & Church was pretty much over at that point .....

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club (work with me here).

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"

"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here

lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

Judi spotted Jon across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to him, Judi asked Jon if he would like to join her for a drink.

"I don't know," said Jon. "I've got a wife and two kids at home..."

To which Judi replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." Jon thought about it for a second and then agreed.

A few drinks later, Judi invited Jon up to her room for a nightcap. When Jon hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And Jon agreed.

After a few more drinks in Judi's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and judi asked if Jon would be interested in a little party. Jon, bewildered, exclaimed, "If don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hxxl are we going to invite?!"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

A Collection of Divorce Jokes ... just for the fun of it.

Ed told me his friend was going thru a divorce and told him "I call my ex-wife Maranda. She used everything I ever said against me in a court of law."

<><><><><>

Diana said, After my recent breakup and the hell I went through, I quickly dropped a few pounds. Not quite Ally-McBeal- thin but close. I ran into a friend of mine who was surprised at the quick change and commented, "Damn, you've lost a lot of weight". My response to him, "Yep, lost 220 pounds of fat German bxxxxxd".

<><><><><>

My good friend Doc was telling me he and his wife were

splitting up the debts and assets. The main asset, of course,

was the house. My ex's *truly* serious suggestion: "Since the

house payment is a little more than the credit card payments,

I'll do you a favor and take the house and the house payment

and you can take the credit card debt." (Did you divorce Judi,

Doc?)

<><><><><>

Di's hairdresser friend caught her husband fooling around with

a customer and promptly kicked him out. A few days later,

she received a call from the woman whom her husband had

been fooling around with. The woman said, "I know this is a

difficult situation, but does this mean you won't still cut my

hair?"

<><><><><>

Karen was telling me that her to-be-ex, a police officer, asked

the judge to please remind her to re-register a gun he'd given

her in her name. "You see, your honor, to buy it, I had to

register it in my name." The judge said, "Why's this so impor-

tant?" "Because, Your Honor, I don't want to be shot with 'my

own gun'." The judge had to hold a piece of paper in front of his

face to hide his laughter.

<><><><><>

Richard said he had a hat that says, "For sale- Ex Wife. Take

over payments."

<><><><><>

When Linda was moving out of her place, she'd found a bag of

marijuana seeds in the dresser drawer. She tossed 'em out

into the raised vegetable beds. "A few months later, a friend

called me and told me that my ex had been busted by the cops

for growing pot in the back yard!"

<><><><><>

Di's hairdresser friend caught her husband fooling around with

a customer and promptly kicked him out. A few days later,

she received a call from the woman whom her husband had

been fooling around with. The woman said, "I know this is a

difficult situation, but does this mean you won't still cut my

hair?"

<><><><><>

Karen was telling me that her to-be-ex, a police officer, asked

the judge to please remind her to re-register a gun he'd given

her in her name. "You see, your honor, to buy it, I had to

register it in my name." The judge said, "Why's this so impor-

tant?" "Because, Your Honor, I don't want to be shot with 'my

own gun'." The judge had to hold a piece of paper in front of his

face to hide his laughter.

<><><><><>

Richard said he had a hat that says, "For sale- Ex Wife. Take

over payments."

<><><><><>

When Linda was moving out of her place, she'd found a bag of

marijuana seeds in the dresser drawer. She tossed 'em out

into the raised vegetable beds. "A few months later, a friend

called me and told me that my ex had been busted by the cops

for growing pot in the back yard!"

 

This is pretty cute whether you're Lutran, Catolik or nun of dem!

ANNOUNCEMENT:

VE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTRAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUTH AIRPORT. YA SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline.

You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin

experience. Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck.

Rows 1-6, bring rolls;

7-15, bring a salad;

16-21, hot dish, and

22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is

responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by free will-offereing and da plane will not land 'til da

budget is met.

Pay attention now to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da

safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

"Okay den, listen up you guys. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event

of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real

surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two

tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second

Coming or some t hing of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle

masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to vorry about

den dat.

Yust stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out

because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have

quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed

field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da

Lord's Prayer and yust hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we

forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us,"

which isn't right, but vut can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because

day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all

da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God

meant you to use a cell phone, He vou l d have put your mout on da side

of your head.

Ve start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee pot

up front . Den ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in

front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be

real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace.

Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest

and let deze gifts to us be blessed.

Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost,

may we land in Dulut or pretty close. Amen!"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

Born in 1931, the youngest of six children, I learned to share my parents' love. Raising six children during the Depression took its toll on my parents' relationship though, and when I was eighteen years old, they divorced.

Daddy never had very close relationships with his children and drifted even farther away from us after the divorce.

Several years later a wonderful woman came into his life, and they were married. She had two sons – one of them still at home. Under her influence, we became a "blended family" and a good relationship developed between the two families. She always treated us as if we were her own children.

It was because of our other mother – Daddy's second wife – that he became closer to his own children. They shared over twenty-five years together before our father passed away. At the time of his death, the question came up of my mother (Daddy's first wife) attending his funeral.

I will never forget the unconditional love shown by my stepmother when I asked her if she would object to Mother attending Daddy's funeral. Without giving it a second thought, she immediately replied, "Of course not, Honey – she's the mother of my children."

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Bet Ya Didn't Know about this .....

How do Singapore's auto laws importantly differ from those in the U.S?

No two-cycle engines are allowed in Singapore.

The license fee for a new car is small, about $5, but as the vehicle grows older, the fee increases.

When the auto reaches 8 years old, it is no longer allowed on the streets.

This is opposite of the license-fee structure in the U.S. While strict, Singapore's auto law has virtually wiped out air pollution in the country.

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

HEAP o' FACTS ... Just for the heck of it .....

The average life span of a major league baseball is seven pitches.

Martha Stewart is the 381st richest person in the world.

Your brain stopped growing at age 4.

Per capita, Canada has more doughnut shops than any other country.

The five most common surnames in the United States are Smith, Johnson, Williams,

Jones and Brown, in that order.

The names of the six Gummi Bears are Gruffi, Cubbi, Tummi, Zummi, Sunni and Grammi.

A flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's the equivalent of a human jumping the length of a football field.

Australian Suresh Joachim holds 16 world records, including balancing on one foot for 76.5 hours, standing motionless for 21.5 hours and nonstop crawling for 35 miles. (Now aren't you envious?)

D.W. Griffith invented false eyelashes.

About 27 tons of dust rains down on the Earth each day from space.

An ear of corn never has an odd number of rows

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

And we end this edition of GGG with a bit of Wit and Wisdom

 SPECIAL THOUGHTS:

I dreamed death came the other night

And heaven's gate swung wide.

With kindly grace an angel

Ushered me inside.

And there to my astonishment

Stood folks I'd known on earth,

Some I'd judged and labeled

Unfit, of little worth.

Indignant words rose to my lips

But never were set free--

For every face showed stunned surprise,

Not one expected me!

Author Unknown

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Have a Great Weekend .... And Please ... If You Drive ... Don't Drink. We want you here Next time!!!! - Your HUMOR Guy • The Ole Fritzbear!!!

**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indecision is the key to flexibility
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
Lawyer pleads not guilty for Unser Jr. in DUI case
HENDERSON, Nev. (AP) — A lawyer for Indianapolis 500 winner Al Unser Jr. entered a not guilty plea on Unser's behalf Wednesday to charges including driving under the influence in a January crash on a southern Nevada freeway.

Unser, 45, of Henderson, did not appear in person before Justice of the Peace Stephen George, who set trial for July 11.

"There's a chance it might get resolved before that date," Unser's lawyer, Andrew Leavitt, said following the brief court hearing. Leavitt declined to address circumstances surrounding Unser's Jan. 25 arrest.

The Nevada Highway Patrol said Unser failed field sobriety tests before he was charged with driving under the influence, misdemeanor hit and run, failure to render aid in an accident and failure to report an accident.

The patrol said Unser was driving a black Ford Excursion when it sideswiped a Mazda sedan that crashed into a cement median on the Las Vegas Beltway.

The driver of the Mazda reported no injuries at the scene, the NHP said. A witness followed Unser's vehicle before Henderson police stopped it a short time later near the Black Mountain Country Club, about 12 miles southeast of the Las Vegas Strip.

Unser is the son of Indianapolis 500 racing legend Al Unser and nephew of three-time Indy winner Bobby Unser. He won the Indy 500 in 1992 and 1994, and won two CART points titles and two IROC championships.

Unser also has had bouts with alcohol abuse and depression, and underwent treatment for alcohol abuse in 2002 after his girlfriend said he hit her in the face while drunk in Indianapolis. Prosecutors did not file charges against him in that case.



IndyCars

IRL IndyCar Series rookie Milka Duno is used to being questioned about her driving ability.

"I was 12 when the police stopped me," the 35-year-old Venezuelan says. "It was so clear that I was too young to drive. You had to be 18" to have a license.

She was on the streets of Caracas in a large Chevrolet she "borrowed" from her parents. She had picked up on how to drive by watching her father use the column shifter on the Chevy to put the car into gear.

"The policeman said, 'You're so young. Why are you driving this car? Where's your mother?' " Duno recalls.

"I told him I was going to the pharmacy to get some medicine for my sick mother," who was healthy. "Any other 12-year-old child might be in a panic, but I analyzed this event and I stayed cool. I didn't start to cry. I didn't say, 'Please don't tell my mother.' The police let me go."


**** COUNTRY CALENDAR
****

-27-

Jimmie Skinner born Blue Lick, KY 1909.

Sydney Nathan, record company executive, born Cincinnati, OH 1927.

Tommy Hill, artist/songwriter/A&R man/record label owner, wrote "Slowly" and

"Teddy Bear," born near Coy City, TX 1929.

Maxine Brown born Sampti, LA 1931.

Herb Pedersen, singer/songwriter/session-musician, born Berkley, CA 1944.

Bob Wills recorded "Faded Love," 1950.

Ricky Nelson released "I'm Walkin," 1957.

Ray Charles' single "Take These Chains From My Heart" charted 1963.

The Opryland USA theme park debuted in Nashville, TN 1971.

Tom T. Hall recorded "Willy The Wandering Gypsy And Me" 1972.

Waylon Jennings' "This Time," charted 1974.

Charlie Rich's albums "Very Special Love Songs" and "There Won't Be Anymore," were #1

and #2 on the country album charts 1974.

Denver Darling, age 72, singer/songwriter, died 1981.

Garth Brooks released his "No Fences" album 1990.

Mercury Records released Harley Allen's album "Another River" 1996.

Trisha Yearwood was on hand as officials in Monticello, Georgia renamed highway 83N, "Trisha Yearwood Parkway" in 2001.

Edward L. Gaylord, age 83, chairman of Gaylord Entertainment, died in Oklahoma City, OK 2003.

An unidentified person threw a brick, from an Interstate overpass, striking the front windshield of Joe Diffie's tour bus. The window was shattered, however there were no injuries reported to the police 2004.

Martie Maguire and husband Gareth welcomed two new members to their family in 2004. Twins, Kathleen Emile, and Eva Ruth were born in Texas. Maguire is a member of the Dixie Chicks.

Loretta Lynn released her album "Van Lear Rose" 2004.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

"Wynonna Judd's Husband Released On Bond"

"Wynonna Judd's Husband Released On Bond"

Wynonna Judd’s estranged husband is free on bond.

Dan Roach appeared in court on Thursday.

He is charged with three counts of aggravated sexual battery against a minor under the age of 13.

Roach will now check into a local rehab facility and is not allowed contact with a minor, except for his 17-year-old son.

His next hearing is scheduled for June 6. 



'Monster Mash' singer Pickett dies at 69


By LARRY McSHANE, Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK - He does the "Monster Mash" no more. Bobby "Boris" Pickett, whose dead-on Boris Karloff impression propelled the Halloween anthem to the top of the charts in 1962, making him one of pop music's most enduring one-hit wonders, has died of leukemia. He was 69.


Pickett, dubbed "The Guy Lombardo of Halloween," died Wednesday night at the West Los Angeles Veterans Hospital, said his longtime manager, Stuart Hersh. His daughter, Nancy, and his sister, Lynda, were at Pickett's bedside.

"Monster Mash" hit the Billboard chart three times: when it debuted in 1962, reaching No. 1 the week before Halloween; again in August 1970, and for a third time in May 1973. The resurrections were appropriate for a song where Pickett gravely intoned the forever-stuck-in-your-head chorus: "He did the monster mash. ... It was a graveyard smash."

The novelty hit's fans included

Bob Dylan, who played the single on his XM Satellite Radio program last October. "Our next artist is considered a one-hit wonder, but his one hit comes back year after year," Dylan noted.

The hit single ensured Pickett's place in the pantheon of pop music obscurities, said syndicated radio host Dr. Demento, whose long-running program celebrates offbeat tunes.

"It's certainly the biggest Halloween song of all time," said Demento. The DJ, who interviewed Pickett last year, said he maintained a sense of humor about his singular success: "As he loved to say at oldies shows, `And now I'm going to do a medley of my hit.'"

Pickett's impression of Karloff (who despite his name was an Englishman, born William Henry Pratt) was forged in Somerville, Mass., where the boy watched horror films in a theater managed by his father.

Pickett used the impersonation in a nightclub act and when performing with his band the Cordials. A bandmate convinced Pickett they needed to do a song to showcase the Karloff voice, and "Monster Mash" was born — "written in about a half-hour," said Dr. Demento.

The recording, done in a couple of hours, featured a then-unknown piano player named

Leon Russell and a backing band christened The Crypt-Kickers. It was rejected by four major labels before Gary Paxton, lead singer on the Hollywood Argyles' novelty hit "Alley Oop," released "Monster Mash" on his own label.

The instant smash became a sort-of Christmas carol for the pumpkin and ghoul set. In a 1996 interview with People magazine, Pickett said he never grew tired of it: "When I hear it, I hear a cash register ringing."

While Pickett never re-created its success, his "Monster's Holiday," a Christmas follow-up, reached No. 30 in December 1962. And "Graduation Day" hit No. 80 in June 1963.

He continued performing through his final gig in November. He remained in demand for Halloween performances, including a memorable 1973 show where his bus broke down outside Frankenstein, Mo.

Beside his daughter and sister, Pickett is survived by two grandchildren.
 


Jim Ed is doing GREAT!


Just got this in for those of you who were wondering about Jim Ed Brown and
his recent health problems.

Tracy
www.heartoftexascountry.com

Tracy,
Jim Ed is doing GREAT! He had surgery and everything went really well.
He is ready to go back to work if you want to try to reschedule him and
Helen.
YEA!

Carrie
www.thirdcoasttalent.com


25th Annual Colgate Country Showdown�To Air On GAC

(Nashville, Tennessee � April 27, 2007)�The 25th Annual Colgate Country Showdown National Final will air Sunday, April 29th, at 8 p.m. and 12 a.m. EST on Great American Country (GAC) with an encore presentation on Monday, April 30th, at 4 p.m. EST.��


The Colgate Country Showdown is the nation�s largest and longest running country music talent search. The National Final took place at the Ryman Auditorium hosted by Grammy winner LeAnn Rimes.� �The five regional winners who compete for $100,000 are Lindsey Earl (KZUA Show Low, Arizona), Jill James (WDNY Dansville, New York), J Juliano with Adrienne Grove (WUSN Chicago, Illinois), Megan Peeler (WKSK West Jefferson, North Carolina) and�Hailey Stout (KSHR Coos Bay, Oregon).

About the Showdown: Each�year the competition begins in the Spring with more than 450 country radio stations producing live shows to find the best new talent in their markets.� Over 50,000 artists compete in local competitions throughout the U.S.� Past� participants include Brad Paisley, Garth Brooks, Martina McBride, Billy Ray Cyrus and Sara Evans.��In March, Advertising Age named the Colgate Country Showdown one of America�s Top 10 Promotions.

For more information on the Colgate Country Showdown visit www.colgatecountryshowdown.com.�




**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Texas Ranger Baked Eggs

(Mariposa Ranch, Brenham, TX)
Serves 12

7 eggs
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons sugar
4 ounces cream cheese, cut in small pieces
1 pound small curd cottage cheese
2 cups Monterey Jack cheese
? cup chopped green bell pepper
2/3 cup butter or margarine, melted
? cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
dash paprika
dash ground mustard

THE NIGHT BEFORE: Beat eggs, milk, sugar together. Add remaining ingredients and
mix well. Spray a 3 quart baking dish and pour mixture in. Cover and refrigerate
overnight.

Bake at 350 for 50-60 minutes or until a knife comes out clean when inserted.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why are you supposed to ice an injury? What exactly does it do?

One of the links calls ice "the best topically applied anti- inflammatory agent ever invented." That's some strong praise for frozen water, but it turns out that good ol' ice does the job incredibly well.

When you're injured, your body responds by going into protective mode and swelling in the area of the injury. However, sometimes the body doesn't know when to stop swelling -- that's where ice comes in. When a cold pack is applied to your skin, it "acts to slow down metabolism at the injury site, so your body can begin healing itself more quickly." Ice also acts as an analgesic to slow down and block pain impulses.

We bent over backward to find another site with information on the healing powers of ice and turned up a ice massage page from Spine-Health.com. According to this page, icing an injury:

* Slows the inflammation and swelling that occurs after injury. Most back pain is accompanied by some type of inflammation, and addressing the inflammation also helps reduce the pain.

* Helps to relieve the pain by numbing sore tissues (like a local anesthetic).

* Slows the nerve impulses in the area, which interrupts the pain- spasm reaction between the nerves.

Ice should be applied soon after the injury occurs. The coldness makes the veins in the tissue contract, which reduces circulation in the area. After the cold compress is removed, the veins overcompensate and dilate. Once that happens, the blood rushes into the area and brings with it the nutrients necessary to heal the injured area.

Every site we referenced states that the best method of recovery after a minor muscle or ligament injury is the famous RICE method -- rest, ice, compression, and elevation. If this method doesn't help and you experience persistent pain or swelling, it's time to consult a physician.





****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

Getting old is so hard at times. Yesterday I got the Preparation 'H' mixed up
with the Polygrip. Now, I walk funny, but - my gums don't itch.


LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME
  

The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for any reason.

Our features are intended to be for entertainment only.

Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright o
n any of these materials
please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.

~
GOD BLESS
AMERICA
   ~ 
To subscribe, Click on a link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com
~
To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list
click on link at the end of this mailing

~
Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004
Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or
comments at:
JIM4615@JOINK.COM
or
Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN 47838-0521

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP
blocking mail again?
No problem
To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link
Archives Index:
http://archives.zinester.com/25438
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list


God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand
&&&&&&&&&&
THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE

Scanned by Avast
virus protection
~
Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com
Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438

 









<< April26, 2007 - The Daily Funnies April30, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >>
The Funnies Archives Index | Subscribe | RSS
Google
 
Web http://archives.zinester.com
Archives powered by Zinester's Mailing List Service
Details on The Funnies
Browse for more newsletters at Zinester's Ezine Directory
Managed by Zinester's Mailing List Management