At a wedding ceremony I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing. The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five. Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too. Then I finally got my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

A: If you aim it well enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vampire Bat

        A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
        covered in fresh blood and parked himself on
        the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
        Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood
        and began hassling him about where he got it.
        He told them to knock it off and let him get some
        sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
        "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave
        with hundreds of bats behind him.
        Down through a valley they went, across a river
        and into a forest full of trees.
        Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
        excitedly milled around him.
        "Now, do you see that chimney over there?"he asked.
        "Yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
        "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
          An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checkes
        his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
        place."

        So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
        soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
        and starts designing and building improvements.

        After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
        escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

        One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
        how's it going down there in hell?"

        Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
        and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
        engineer is going to come up with next."

        God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake
        -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

        Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
        keeping him."

        God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

        Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.
        And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        Q. Who are the most decent people in a hospital?

        A. The Ultrasound people.


        Q. What kind of dog did Dracula own?

        A. A Bloodhound.


        Q. Why didn't Dracula ever marry?

        A. He never met the right ghoul.


        Q. Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?

        A. In a red bloodcell.


        Q. What is Dracula's favorite holiday?

        A. Fangsgiving.


        Q. What do you give a vampire with a cold?

        A. Coffin drops.


        Q. Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?

        A. He got fed up with only being the BAT boy.
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."

"What do you want to know?" I responded.

"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sixty-ish woman whose husband was overly attentive to the young ladies at a party explained to a neighbor: "He's like a puppy running after cars.

He doesn't want to catch one - he just wants to bark at them a little."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife to bill-paying husband: "I slashed expenses last month. Everything was charged on one credit card so that it will cost only one stamp to pay all of our bills."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was babysitting my two grandchildren, Tony, 5, and Holly, 2, when Holly temporarily disappeared. As I ran through the house calling Holly's name, Tony came to my aid.

"I'll help you, Grandma," he said. "If you don't find her, you won't get paid for babysitting,
will you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TRUE OR FALSE

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? Awe cum on... It's just your IQ at stake.

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep? a spider?

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE! Now go back and think about No. 16!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher ended a lesson on magnets with a quiz. One question read,
"My name starts with 'M' has six letters, and I pick up things.
What am I?" A student responded with "Mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a
saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals
always had a habit of picking on strangers.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse
had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without even looking and fired
a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?"
he yelled forcefully. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if
my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish,
I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't
like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man,
true to his word, had another beer, walked outside,
and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,
"Say partner, before you go, what happened in
Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found this online and thought you should be aware of the problem.

**** Reader's Submissions ****
I sat in my seat of the Boeing 767 waiting for everyone to hurry and stow their carry-ons and grab a seat so we could start what I was sure to be a long , uneventful flight home. With the huge capacity and slow moving people taking their time to stuff luggage far too big for the overhead and never paying much attention to holding up the growing line behind them, I simply shook my head knowing that this flight was not starting out very well.

I was anxious to get home to see my loved ones so I was focused on "my" issues and just felt like standing up and yelling for some of these clowns to get their act together. I knew I couldn't say a word so I just thumbed thru the "Sky Mall" magazine from the seat pocket in front of me. You know it's really getting rough when you resort to the over priced, useless sky mall crap to break the monotony.   With everyone finally seated, we just sat there with the cabin door open and no one in any hurry to get us going although we were well past the scheduled take off time. No wonder the airline industry is in trouble I told myself.

Just then, the attendant came on the intercom to inform us all that we were being delayed. The entire plane let out a collective groan. She resumed speaking to say "We are holding the aircraft for some very special people who are on their way to the plane and the delay shouldn't be more than 5 minutes.

The word came after waiting six times as long as we were promised that "I" was finally going to be on my way home. Why the hoopla over "these" folks? I was expecting some celebrity or sport figure to be the reason for the hold up.........Just get their butts in a seat and lets hit the gas I thought.

The attendant came back on the speaker to announce in a loud and excited voice that we were being joined by several U. S. Marines returning home from Iraq!!! Just as they walked on board, the entire plane erupted into applause. The men were a bit taken by surprise by the 340 people cheering for them as they searched for their seats. They were having their hands shook and touched by almost everyone who was within an arm's distance of them as they passed down the aisle. One elderly woman kissed the hand of one of the Marines as he passed by her. The applause, whistles and cheering didn't stop for a long time.

When we were finally airborne, "I" was not the only civilian checking his conscience as to the delays in "me" getting home, finding my easy chair, a cold beverage and the remote in my hand. These men had done for all of us and I had been complaining silently about "me" and "my" issues. I took for granted the everyday freedoms I enjoy and the conveniences of the American way of life I took for granted others paid the price for my ability to moan and complain about a few minutes delay to "me" those Heroes going home to their loved ones.

I attempted to get my selfish outlook back in order and minutes before we landed I suggested to the attendant that she announce over the speaker a request for everyone to remain in their seats until our hero's were allowed to gather their things and be first off the plane. The cheers and applause continued until the last Marine stepped off and we all rose to go about our too often taken for granted everyday freedoms........I felt proud of them. I felt it an honor and a privilege to be among the first to welcome them home and say Thank You for a job well done.   I vowed that I will never forget that flight nor the lesson learned. I can't say it enough, THANK YOU to those Veterans and active servicemen and women who may read this and a prayer for those who cannot because they are no longer with us.

GOD BLESS AMERICA! WELCOME HOME! AND THANKS FOR A JOB WELL DONE !!!


**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

I heard a bird called a cassowary that can kill a person. What is it?

The cassowary is a relative of the better- known emu and is part of the Ratite family of birds, all of whom are large and flightless. There are actually 3 different species of the bird -- the Southern or Double-wattled Cassowary (Casuarius casuarius), the One-wattled Cassowary (Casuarius unappendiculatus), and the Dwarf Cassowary (Casuarius bennetti).

This strange-looking bird stands fairly tall -- the largest can grow to be over 6 feet tall and weigh around 130 pounds. In fact, the cassowary is one of the largest birds in the world, second only to the ostrich. The females of the species are generally bigger and more colorful than the males. (Interestingly, the cassowary is one of the few species in which the male bird incubates the eggs and cares for the young.) The red, blue, and purple head of the bird sports a bony "helmet" for protection.

The cassowary is primarily found in Australia and Papua New Guinea. Due to the clearing of rainforest, the animal has lost a good deal of its natural habitat and has been forced to find new places to survive. Disease, traffic, dogs, and humans have contributed to the decline of the population, and the cassowary is now an endangered species. There are only an estimated 1500- 3000 of the birds remaining, most of which live in Australia.

Though the bird's diet consists mainly of fruit and the occasional small animal, on the innermost toe of each foot, the cassowary sports a 5" long knife-like nail. When threatened, the animal delivers powerful kicks and can slash open an animal or person. It has been rumored to kill the odd human that got on its bad side, but some sources claim this is an exaggeration. However, it's certainly capable of inflicting serious harm. So if your travels ever take you to Australia and you happen to cross paths with the bird, you would be wise to heed our advice and be very wary of the wild cassowary!






****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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