Good Morning and welcome to the "Grins, Giggles and Groaners". GGG's are sent to you 'just for the fun of it' in the hope of helping you get a laughing start on your day. First here is todays quote on LAUGHTER. . . . .

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

~Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts," Saturday Night Live~

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Have you ever wondered ???

1. Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

2. Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

3. Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" have an expiry date?

4. Why are Softballs hard?

5. Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

6. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to extreme speeds when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

7. Why is it called "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

8. Why is it called taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

9. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

10. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

11. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't wear any pants?

12. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

13. What colour would a Smurf turn if you choked it?

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A cowboy (named Julius?) rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck

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While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he

said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners

very well."

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Women's Instruction Book

--------------------------------

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?

Shut the door.

If we put a man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?

Tell him you're not his type -- you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be

let out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never

mature anyway.

Men are all the same. They just have different faces so

you can tell them apart.

Bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make

some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the

do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest

they are too old for it.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for

40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for

directions.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell

him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day

graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend."

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men --

strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong, but you could

still use them.

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A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

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A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.

Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.

"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

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We Were So Poor That We Could Only Afford...

-----------------------------------

Medicines called placebos

Five of the Ten Commandments

Bagel holes

Sunrise Or Sunset

Webster's Extremely Abridged Dictionary

White Crayolas

Ivory soap soup mix

Blue suede shoe boxes

Lipton Tea Bag strings

Jerry Falwell's sing-A-long record album

One-size-fits-all O.J. Simpson gloves

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Today I saw a license plate frame on a car: "Not all blondes

are stupid." OK, I'll stipulate that. I couldn't tell if the

driver of the car was a man or woman, because the car was

quickly making an illegal right turn at a red light. No turn

signal, two blocks from the county jail, and the car didn't

stop. Did I mention that the license plate frame was

up-side-down?

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An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that

Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?," gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but 3 girls helped

me catch him."

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She yelled at her husband,

"You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"

He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"

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There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that

came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one

was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off,

because if they didn't, then the rope would break

and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go.

Finally the brunette gave a really touching speech and

said, "I'll get off."

All of the blondes started clapping. Problem solved.

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The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as

much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

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A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"

The man spells, "V A N."

"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."

The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.

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One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.

A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."

The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

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Morris called his travel agency, and he was furious

about a Florida package he booked. The travel agent

asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.

Morris said he paid for a suite on the top floor

expecting an ocean-view room.

The travel agent tried to explain that is not possible,

since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

Morris replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map,

and Florida is a very thin state."

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"Mummy, tomorrow I have an oral exam. One question

the teacher will ask me is "who made you?" What shall

I say?" asked Little Johnny. "Say God made you."

replied his mother.

The next day, when the question came up, poor Little

Johnny forgot what his mother had said, so he

explained, "Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it

was my father who made me. But then mother said it

was someone else - and I can't remember the guy's name."

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When Kevin came home, his wife, Liz, was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," Liz sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on

vacation on the other side of the world?" Kevin

asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you

arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Liz,

when you have finished reading this letter, don't

forget to give it to my son.'"

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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing

in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the

side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there,

doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and

asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out

standing in their field."

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