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Subject: The Daily Funnies - June12, 2007



From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser


TUESDAY JUNE  12,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "Happiness is having a large, loving,
caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns

Two blondes,Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house.
Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out
a nail and either use it or throw it over her shoulder. Sally Ann,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?". Becky explained, "When I pull out a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them
away". Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those
nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new
twin- engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces.
Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning
crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.

As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"

Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"

George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December
night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the
burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag
full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.

"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.

"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.

"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"

"What else?" demanded the culprit? "Who can get honest and reliable
help these days?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With his neatly packed clothes in a small suitcase, my nine-year- old son went off to camp. Two weeks later I picked him up. When I unpacked his things, I was impressed at how clean and well folded everything was, considering he is normally rather untidy with his possessions. "Camp sure has changed you," I said. "Look how well you packed." "It was simple, Mom," he answered. "I didn't unpack."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In preparation for our family holiday in Hawaii, I had bought fabric the sales clerk assured me was an authentic Hawaiian print. I made shorts-and-shirt sets for my husband and teenage son. The first morning of our holiday they both hurried down to the hotel pool but returned very shortly. After the third person had asked them for beach chairs and towels, they realized that the entire hotel staff was uniformed in the same authentic Hawaiian print they were wearing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached
an airman and requested a vehicle pass.

The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his
military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.

Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman
asked,

"What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"

"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. . .

   "Try Brigadier General."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother had put a glass pot of freshly brewed coffee on the stove, ready for us after we finished washing the dishes. As I leaned over holding a mug, I broke a small portion of the coffeepot. Mom poured the coffee out, put the pot in the garbage and started another. We sat down to wait for the second batch to drip, and I apologized again for ruining the coffeepot. "That's okay," Mom said. "I needed a little break before having coffee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just minutes before the church services started the
towns people were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except
for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in
an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
agony forever?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope. "

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
"Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your
sister for 45 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pitcher Bill Werle got Bill Nicholson to hit a high infield popup
in front of the mound. As trained, he called for an infielder to make the play.
"Eddie's got it! Eddie's got it!," he yelled.

Then, he watched the ball fall untouched as catcher Eddie Fitzgerald,
first baseman Eddie Stevens and third baseman Eddie Bockman looked on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom
he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that
ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is
good!"
       One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition.
The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had
apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after
taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was
blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This
is good!"
       The king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send
his friend to jail.
       About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he
should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took
them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a
stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the
wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being
superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole.
       Untying the king, they sent him on his way.
       As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken
his thumb, and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went
immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he
said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to
tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so am very sorry for
sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
       "No," his friend replied, "This is good!"
       "What do you mean, 'This is good?' How could it be good that I
sent my friend to jail for a year?"
       "If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Joe Pepitone first came to the Cubs, he told manager Leo Durocher
he was fast enough to steal. So the first time Pepitone reached first, Durocher
decided to test him. First base coach Peanuts Lowery flashed the sign to Pepitone -
a wink. Pepitone didn't budge. So Lowery winked again. Still, Pepitone stood pat.
Again, Lowery winked. This time, Pepitone responded. He blew Lowery a kiss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Told to get a statement from the Giants' Dominican players after Generalissmo Trujillo was assassinated in the Dominican Republic, a reporter came back from the clubhouse and approached his editor.

"They said they didn't do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm still not good when it comes to reading my wife's signals.

Sure the teddy, candles and mood music suggested a little romance,
but I'd swear the bright red lipstick shouted, "Stop! You must make a sandwich
and watch Sports Center first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As young men and women enter the work force,
they usually receive lots of advice. Lucky ones will be told
about one essential item that will get them
on the fast track to success: an alarm clock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They
immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.

They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded
themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled
to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency
and brought him back to their estate.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room
table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The
couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked
the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set
the table for just four.

The butler replied. . . . .

"The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the
Kitschs."
~~~
As an elementary teacher, I often use stickers as rewards. When one of my students
stuck a little heart on my blouse, I asked, "What's this for?"
"You were a good teacher today," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sign seen at a southern KFC Resturant:
To get a better piece of chicken
you'd have to be a Rooster!
 

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**** Reader's Submissions ****

Grins, Giggles and Groaners exists with one belief,. . .to spread laughter and joy to the world. We try to make a little difference in everyone's day by bringing laughter and smiles to you and the people around you. Sent to you "just for the fun of it" with the hope you get a few chuckles or maybe a hearty belly laff. • Feel free to pass 'em around!!! ---

REMEMBER: "Laughter is definitely Contagious and we believe everyone should be a carrier!!!"

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It's said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied six. The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail." Just as the judge was about to use his gavel, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

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A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke!" The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?" "I'll have a Scotch and soda, light on the soda," says Rover. The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "That dog can't talk. You're a ventriloquist!" "No, Rover can really talk. While I'm in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself, but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog." The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone. "Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight. "Well, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper." "Let's go look for him," said the man. The two went to the drugstore, but no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets, no dog. Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away. Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "Why are you doing this, Rover? You've never done this before!" Rover replies, "First time I ever had any money!"

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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15?"

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A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up. The bear says, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me." "Big deal!'' says the chicken. "All I have to do is cough, and the entire planet craps itself."

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One day, a woman's doorbell rang. The weather was very bad. The woman opened the door, and there stood a young girl, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet. The woman felt sorry for her, so she asked the young woman into the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off. The woman wanted to make conversation as the two drank their hot chocolate, so she asked the Jehovah's Witness, "So, what's the message you're passing along?'" The girl stuttered and said, "I'm not sure. I never got this far."

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A woman rushes into the lobby of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk. Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for service. The man at the desk slowly puts down the phone. "Yes?" he says, annoyed. "Excuse me," says the woman, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. "Not bad," he smiles. "Not bad at all."

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A short and exceptionally homely man had just started putting on his underwear when his daughter opened the door and entered the room. "Mommy!" she cried, pointing to her father's extremely ample endowment. "What's that?" "Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your daddy's secret attraction. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here." She sighs, then adds, "Come to think of it, neither would I."

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Two elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yes, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!" Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once. What's your secret?" Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole wheat bread. I'm not kidding!" So, the second old man rushed to the store. The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?" "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole wheat bread, please," said Leon. "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked. Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

?≤≥?≤≥?≤≥?≤≥?≤≥?≤≥?≤≥?≤≥?≤≥

A fellow in a bar notices a woman come in on a fairly regular basis, always alone. After the second week, he made his move. "No, thank you," she said, politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

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"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "What happened, honey?" he asks. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all." "Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic. "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." There's a long pause on the phone. Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5**1?"

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Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan. We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!" A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida. "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!" Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.

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A guy was frantically driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of my life, and not only that, I'll give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. The guy looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

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One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So, the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?" "The hen lays eggs," replies the little girl. "Very good," says the farmer. Then the farmer asks another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?" "Well," replies the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day." "Very good," exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?" "Yes, I do," replies little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

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FRED


**** ON THIS DAY ****

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are
these, Dad? To which
the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use
them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've
heard of that in health class at school." He looks
over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE
for Friday, ONE for
Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
"Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men,"
the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday,
and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking up a
12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married
men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for
March....."

BLONDIE


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing.
Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell
Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." - Dan Rather
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Bombardier Learjet 550 results

FORT WORTH — Results Saturday night from the Bombardier Learjet 500 race for the Indy Racing League IndyCar Series at Texas Motor Speedway, listing starting position in parentheses, driver, car, laps completed with reason out if not running at the finish, and money won:

 1.  (2) Sam Hornish Jr., Dallara-Honda, 228, $110,800.
 2.  (4) Tony Kanaan, Dallara-Honda, 228, $90,950.
 3.  (6) Danica Patrick, Dallara-Honda, 228, $75,650.
 4.  (3) Dario Franchitti, Dallara-Honda, 228, $60,700.
 5. (13) Vitor Meira, Dallara-Honda, 228, $59,300.
 6.  (8) Jeff Simmons, Dallara-Honda, 228, $48,600.
 7.  (1) Scott Sharp, Dallara-Honda, 227, $57,200.
 8. (16) Buddy Rice, Dallara-Honda, 225, $46,000.
 9. (15) Kosuke Matsuura, Dallara-Honda, 225, $46,000.
10. (18) Sarah Fisher, Dallara-Honda, 221, $44,600.
11. (19) Milka Duno, Dallara-Honda, 221, $43,200.
12.  (7) Scott Dixon, Dallara-Honda, 206, $51,900.
13. (11) Darren Manning, Dallara-Honda, 200, handling, $40,700.
14.  (9) Tomas Scheckter, Dallara-Honda, 199, $39,100.
15. (10) Dan Wheldon, Dallara-Honda, 196, crash, $37,900.
16.  (5) Helio Castroneves, Dallara-Honda, 196, crash, $36,600.
17. (17) A.J. Foyt IV, Dallara-Honda, 195, crash, $35,200.
18. (20) Ed Carpenter, Dallara-Honda, 195, crash, $35,200.
19. (12) Marco Andretti, Dallara-Honda, 140, mechanical, $33,800.
20. (14) Jon Herb, Dallara-Honda, 44, crash, $32,600.








**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-12-

Penny Jay, songwriter born 1927.

Charlie Feathers, Rockabilly singer-songwriter, Sun recording artist born Myrtle, MS 1932. Member RHOF.

Dr. Humphrey Bate, age 61, "The Possum Hunters," died 1936.

Bob Wills topped the charts with "Sugar Moon" 1947.

Ernest Tubb recorded his #1 single "Slipping Around," 1949.

Junior Brown, singer/songwriter/guitarist, born 'Jamison Brown' in Kirksville, IN 1952.

Rocky Burnette, singer/songwriter/guitarist, born Memphis, TN 1953. Rocky is the son of Johnny Burnette.

Webb Pierce's single "In The Jailhouse Now" was #1 in 1955.

Rebecca Holden born, Austin, TX 1958.

Eli Oberstein, age 58, record company executive, died 1960.

Tex Ritter joined the Grand Ole Opry 1965.

Lynn Anderson's "You're My Man" was #1 in 1971.

J. E. Mainer, age 72, fiddler/band leader/recording artist, died 1971.

Johnny Bond, age 63, singer/songwriter/actor/author died from a heart attack in Burbank, CA 1978. NSHF 1970. CMHF 1999.

Dan Seals topped the charts with "I Will Be There" 1987.

Alabama's single "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" debuted on Billboards Top 40 in 1999.

Chet Atkins released "Guitar Country/More of That Guitar Country" in 2001.

American Originals released Harley Allen's album "Live At The Bluebird" in 2001.

A 3-mile section of Highway 92 in Hiram, GA was re-named "Travis Tritt Highway," in 2001.

Oms Records released Vassar Clements' album "Full Circle" 2001.

Terri Clark joined the Grand Ole Opry 2004. Terri is the first female Canadian artist to join the Opry family



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Grand Ole Opry Inducts Mel Tillis As Newest Member


Country music legend and Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame member Mel Tillis was inducted into the world-famous Grand Ole Opry Saturday night by his daughter Pam Tillis, an Opry member since 2000. After Mel performed a medley of his hits “Ruby” and “Detroit City” he was joined on stage by Pam. “All week long people have been telling me they can’t believe Daddy wasn’t already an Opry member – and that just tells me ‘You belong here.’ The best thing about me getting inducted first is that I get to induct you – you are now an official member of the Grand Ole Opry, Daddy,” says Pam. “Thank you so much. It took me 52 years – and I do appreciate this. I’d like to thank Porter Wagoner who taught me just about everything I know about this business,” responded Mel. “Tonight we are honored to welcome one of country music’s finest entertainers into the Opry’s family of new stars, superstars and legends,” said Pete Fisher, Opry vice president and general manager. “Mel’s remarkable talents as a singer, songwriter, actor, and comedian are a perfect complement to the Opry’s promise to present an authentic, high quality country music experience. Welcome to the family, Mel!” During the induction which aired live on “Grand Ole Opry Live” on GAC: Great American Country, Tillis was presented the Opry Member Award, a 14-inch bronze and oak wood replica of the Opry’s vintage microphone stand designed by renowned sculptor Bill Rains. A portion of the trophy’s wooden base recreates the famed circle of wood taken from the stage of the Ryman Auditorium, home of the Opry from 1943-74, and placed in the stage at the Grand Ole Opry House. Both members of the Tillis family made their Opry debuts during the Opry’s original Ryman run, Pam Tillis at age eight singing the folk standard “Tom Dooley” alongside her famed father. In a career that has spanned five decades, Mel Tillis has recorded over 60 albums with thirty-six Top Ten singles including “Good Woman Blues,” “Coca Cola Cowboy,” and “Southern Rain” to name a few. He has written over 1,000 songs with 600 of those being recorded by major artists. Among his most popular songs are Kenny Rogers’ “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town,” “Detroit City” by Bobby Bare, “Emotions” by Brenda Lee, Webb Pierce’s “I Ain’t Never,” Ray Price’s “Burning Memories,” “Thoughts of A Fool” by George Strait, and “Honey (Open That Door)” recorded by Ricky Skaggs. Tillis was inducted into the Nashville Songwriters International Hall of Fame in 1976, and in that same year he was named the Country Music Association’s Entertainer of the Year. He also took home the CMA Comedian of the Year trophy six years running in the 1970s. 


Judd sounds off on singers who avoid fans

By BEVERLY KEEL
Staff Writer


Comedian Cledus T. Judd predicted that several stars participating in CMA Music Festival did everything they could to avoid encountering the fans who made them successful.

"It's amazing that a man works all his life to be able to go into a Waffle House in Hendersonville and have the waitress go, 'You know what? That's on me because I like your music,' to slowly not even walking into a Waffle House but sending the road manager to buy his meal. He stays on the bus because he doesn't want anybody to see him.

"That is sickening and you should lose your career for that. You should never ever not want to be noticed and applauded and patted on the back. That is what we've worked for; that is what our success is based on."

He said he hates to see acts arrive at a venue and hide on buses that have doors locked and shades pulled down. "People just want to say hey and know they met Kenny Chesney," said Judd, who recently wrote a song called "Autographs" about a little boy who merely wants an autograph from his hero and ultimately becomes the one being asked for his signature. "And you're gonna hide on the bus like you're the queen of England? That is ridiculous."

He said he realizes that artists need their privacy, but said many have taken it to far extremes. "They walk around and put down people all around them and they hide and don't have eye contact. I actually heard a guy tell a guy, 'Keep your head down and don't have eye contact.'

"Everybody does it to some degree. You can't shake every hand; you can't kiss every baby. But it kills me to watch these acts come in and hide. God forbid, 10 years ago you would've given (a body part) to have someone ask you for an autograph."

In the same interview, Judd was quick to mention the generous things his fellow artists have done for him throughout the years.

When his father died, Judd was on the golf course in Nashville, and the first person he called was Billy Ray Cyrus, who was in Georgia. "I said, 'I've got to get home and help my mom,'" Judd said. "He said, 'I don't have time to buy you a plane ticket. I'll tell you what: If you'll be at the airport in 15 minutes, I'll have you a jet sitting there with two pilots and I'll have you sitting in Georgia in about 30 minutes.'"

Judd was on tour with Toby Keith in California when Judd's mother had a heart attack. "I was hysterical. Toby came in there and put his arm around me and said, 'I know you don't like to fly. Here are 10 plane tickets. We charted out how you're going to take the bus back. Here's a plane ticket for El Paso, here's a plane ticket for Albuquerque, Flagstaff, Dallas, Fort Smith, Arkansas and Nashville. If there is some way along that pass you have to get home, pull over and get on the airplane and get home to your mama.'" Judd made the entire route by bus and his mother recovered.

When Judd was in Nashville in 2003 for his divorce hearing, he got a phone call from Chipper Jones, third baseman for the Atlanta Braves. He told Judd, "I'm going to send you a check. When you go in that divorce hearing, the first number she throws out, you sign the check and hand it to her and walk out. Just because I'm going through a divorce and my life is miserable, I don't want one of my friends to be." Judd didn't take his money, but was overwhelmed by the gesture.

Gary LeVox, the lead singer of Rascal Flatts, is the godfather of Judd's daughter, Caitlyn. Gary told him, "I just want you to know if something were to ever happen to you, your daughter will never worry ever. She will never ever not be able to go to school or go to college or have a vehicle. Your daughter is in good hands with me." 


Slimmed-down Cledus T. Judd keeps his wit, opens his heart
Country humorist plans to help kids see Mickey Mouse

By BEVERLY KEEL
Staff Writer

Country humorist Cledus T. Judd was in a bathroom recently when he noticed a man using the facilities and warmly said, "What's going on?" At first, Judd was taken aback when the man didn't respond.

"It was me; there was a mirror right there," said Judd. "I didn't even recognize me."

The man best known for parodying country hits now weighs 110 pounds less than the 290 he weighed in 1999, when his resting heart rate was about 130 beats per minute. It's the first time in 20 years that he's weighed less than 200 pounds, and his resting heart rate is down to the low 40s.

Judd, 42, shed 40 of those pounds as a contestant on VH1's Celebrity Fit Club, which finished shooting in March and is currently airing. "Now there's a lot of guys up here like the Clay Walkers and Trace Adkins who are a little nervous," he joked. "I'm fixing to turn into a sex symbol."

But the reasons behind the weight loss are no laughing matter. Throughout his career, Judd was told that he needed to be fat because it was part of his character, which he later realized was preposterous. "Look at (Jeff) Foxworthy," he said. "What does he weigh? Ninety pounds?"

After the birth of his daughter, Caitlyn, in 2004, he realized that he didn't want to suffer the same fate as late overweight comedians Chris Farley and John Candy. Judd says some around him fear that his humor melted away with the fat. "I've heard, 'You can't be funny.' Tell Chris Farley that.

"I needed this. I need to be healthy for my kid. I would like to live awhile. I am totally at peace. I guarantee you, if we shoot a video, I'll be funny."

What he is now is a head-turning man, finally comfortable tucking in his shirt. A popular radio disc jockey in Tampa, Fla., Judd is in town for CMA Music Festival, the perfect opportunity to promote his Ray Stevens tribute album hitting streets next month to benefit the Minnie Pearl Foundation.

Sitting in a Curb Records conference room, Judd has a hip haircut, a soul patch and a new funky wardrobe. "It's really weird," he said. "I can go anywhere now and no one knows me."

His heart and wit remain the same, but his mind is still catching up to the psychological implications of his transformation. For instance, he sometimes finds himself resentful of the newfound attention from women. "I tell them, 'You shoulda got it when you coulda had it because now you can't have it,' because it's ridiculous and it's sad that it's like that."

Even his daughter didn't recognize him last week in a Florida airport. "She couldn't find me and I was standing in front of her," said Judd, who displays her name on a forearm tattoo. "Then when I talked, she knew immediately."

Royalties will help kids

It was during this trip to Disney World with Caitlyn that Judd had an epiphany that will forever change his outlook on making records. This was his first trip to the Magic Kingdom, because the Georgia native's parents couldn't afford to take him when he was a child. "It changed my life completely to see those thousands of children there," said Judd, real name Barry Poole. "I saw the world through my daughter's eyes."

His thoughts turned to the millions of children who are poor, neglected and abused and will never have the opportunity to see Mickey Mouse.

"Then and there is when I decided from this point forward in my life, I will never ever take another penny to do a record," he said as his voice broke, "because I will dedicate the rest of my life to trying to figure out ways to get children to see Mickey Mouse." He vows he will donate his entire portion of royalties from record sales to organizations that benefit children. "Let's see if we can't get 10,000 kids to Mickey Mouse this year."

Judd hopes that, in the near future, a few of those kids might be his. After his 2003 divorce from country singer Julie Reeves, he grappled with guilt of being so far away from his child (who lives with Reeves in Kentucky), and felt that dating was cheating on his child. "I thought that love is just for her and I can't share it with anybody else," he said. "Finally, after she's almost 3, I'm starting to do it now. I think my daughter would say, 'Dad, don't sit down there by yourself. Enjoy yourself; you're good to me.'

"I'm closer now. I met somebody down there that I kind of like. I don't know if anything will happen. But I want more children. If I don't have a child in the next 18 months, I'll adopt. I've already got the paperwork."

He wants to tour, mentor

His weight loss and national exposure from the VH1 show are likely to open up new career opportunities. He was in the running for last season's ABC show Dancing with the Stars and will lobby for another shot. "I can win that thing!" he said. His daily radio show limits his ability to accept recording projects and concert tours.

"There's a part of me that wants to go to Gary LeVox in Rascal Flatts or Toby and say, 'Next summer, I want to go one more time.' When you are doing it for a living, you forget.

"I would like to go one more time with my closest friends, stand out there at night and sing a few funny songs, hear the cheers one more time, feel the spotlight, and then the last night, just walk off and not do it anymore."

He would also like to serve as a mentor to young artists. "I did it the right way," he said. "I didn't always make the right decisions or have the best guidance, but I still beat the (expletive) out of it."

Judd's a former drug addict — he began in 1986 with crystal methamphetamine and then used cocaine for 10 years —and he was also diagnosed as being bipolar in 1997 after entering rehab. While losing weight he developed an eating disorder that resulted in panic attacks and binge food shopping. About seven months ago, he kicked his five-year addiction to the sleeping pill Ambien.

"For all the turmoil — and the mind is a powerful thing and Lord knows I've dealt with my share of mental wars — I am in such a good place. I am so happy; I'm blessed. I got a second chance at a new life."

Once he had a passion to succeed that rivaled that of Garth Brooks, Tim McGraw or Toby Keith, he said.

"I may never reach the Larry the Cable Guy numbers. I may never sell out 12,000-seat arenas. But that's not what I want to be judged on; that's not what the good Lord will judge me on. He'll judge me on helping those 20,000 kids see Mickey Mouse."


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Beef Enchiladas

(Betty Crocker's 2001 Big Red Cookbook)

1 lb.left over pot roast, shredded (or 1lb. browned ground beef)
1 med. onion, chopped (1/2 cup)
1/2 c. sour cream
1 c. shredded cheddar cheese (4 oz)
2 T. chopped fresh parsley
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/3 c chopped green bell pepper
2/3 c water
1 T. chili powder
1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1/4 tsp. cumin
2 whole green Chiles, chopped (optional), I used canned Chiles
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
1 15 oz can tomato sauce
8 corn tortillas (5-6 inch in diameter)
Shredded cheese, sour cream and chopped onions to top, if desired

Heat oven 350. In a skillet on low, heat beef, stir in onion, sour cream, 1 c. cheese, parsley and pepper. Cover and remove from heat. In a sauce pan heat bell pepper, water, chili powder, oregano, cumin, chilies, garlic and tomato sauce. Reduce heat and simmer uncovered 5 minutes. Pour into an ungreased pie plate. Dip each tortilla into sauce in pie plate to cover each side. Spoon about 1/4 c beef mixture onto each tortilla, roll tortilla around filling. Place seam side down in an ungreased rectangular baking dish (11x7). Pour remaining sauce over enchiladas. Bake uncovered about 20 minutes or until bubbly. Garnish with shredded cheese, sour cream, and chopped onions.
Serves 4

Calories 670, Diet exchange 2 starch, 4 med.-fat meat, 2 veg.,4 fat


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Are shrunken heads for real?

Hunting the Web for shrunken heads, we quickly cut this question down to size. As we learned shrunken heads are indeed real, and the process used to create them is just as grisly as you might imagine.

Taking heads and other physical trophies from battle was common among many world cultures since antiquity, but shrinking the trophy head seems to have only occurred among a few tribes in Ecuador, Peru, and Brazil and probably dates back to around 200 B.C or earlier. In the 19th century, Europeans first discovered and publicized the last remaining tribe that practiced head shrinking. These were the Shuar people of the Jivaro tribe in the tropical forest of the Ecuadorian and Peruvian Amazon.

The shrunken head -- called the tsantsa -- was more than just a souvenir of battle for the Jivaro. The process of shrinking the head was thought to paralyze the spirit of the enemy, thus preventing it from taking revenge. Also, the power and strength of the defeated victim was passed on to the person who killed him. A Jivaro warrior with a history of taking many shrunken heads was to be feared. However, the Jivaro didn't keep the shrunken heads very long. The heads were used in a series of ceremonies and feasts in the Jivaro village to celebrate the victory. After that, the heads were usually discarded and sometimes used by children as toys.
After Europeans discovered the Jivaro, many counterfeit shrunken heads began to pop up. Some were faked from animal heads or goatskin, while others were actual human heads taken from morgues and shrunk by taxidermists. Some of the shrunken heads you'll see currently displayed in museums are early counterfeits, not traditional Jivaro heads.


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

LAST CALL Y'ALL

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally,
I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country:

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

ME NEITHER


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
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