Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

WEDNESDAY JUNE  13,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Retirement is great if you
can figure out how to spend time without spending money.

The Republican tax plan is that the rich get richer, while the
Democratic plan is that the rich get pardoned.

Some people would do the laundry only if their
washing machine had a remote control.

My mother gets along very well with my husband. So much so that she often refers to us as "my kids." Very seldom does she use the term son-in-law, and more often than not she takes his side when we have a disagreement. Sometimes I feign insult and suggest that he has taken my place in her heart. But I realized that might not be so farfetched the day she introduced us to a few friends as "my son-in-law and his wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was cutting my husband's thinning hair one evening when our teenage son and daughter arrived home looking for a snack. I offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt them with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," I remarked.

"And more hair than Dad," added our daughter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A middle-aged man took his car to an auto repair shop for a checkup. When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped out.

"Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop. "This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup!"

The auto shop owner nodded, "I believe it," he said. "The difference here is, my bill includes the checkup, and... the replacement of worn out parts!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister and I, visiting our uncle in the hospital, had brought along a treat for him. Because we weren't sure if he was on a restricted diet, we asked at the nursing station and were told it was alright to give him the brownies.

As we turned to leave, an doctor held up his hand to stop us. "I'm here," he advised, "for quality control!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hospital where I was a nurse added our photographs to the identification tags we wore. A consequence of this was that many of us had stopped introducing ourselves, assuming the ID tag did it for us. So when I approached the receptionist in another department one day, I simply fingered my ID tag and said, "I'm a tad early for my appointment."

She indicated I should take a seat and then announced to her boss over the intercom, "There's a Mr. Tad Early here to see you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down. Then one day I got a call from the woman who lives in the apartment next door. It just said, "Cut it out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YUK
In my class, we were doing an experiment on mold and how it grows. We were studying the effects that light and dark would have on the mold. For our concluding science project, we placed pieces of moist bread in various places in the room. Some were placed in the back corner, where it was darker, and others were placed in the front part of the room. We also put some pieces out on our back porch, in the sunlight.

Several hours later, we checked on our specimens to see how they were doing. The ones left on the back porch were nowhere to be found. We searched high and low, but the pieces of bread had simply disappeared.

We later found out that the kindergartners, out at recess, had seen this "feast" laid out before their very eyes. They decided that this was a snack made just for them, so they ate our science experiment, soggy bread, mold and all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No.... "It's my ball."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked, "Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?"

"Nothing," I answered back. "Why?"

He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: "ACHOO"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items.

Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us over.

Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matching luggage?"
YEAH, THOSE PIGGLY WIGGLY BAGS ARE OFFICAL REDNECK CARRYONS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever noticed that when you ask how far it is to a certain place,
country folk answer you in miles and city folk answer you in minutes?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, a member of the Knights of Columbus, assisted in the organization of a reunion. After several phone calls from VIPs, I wasn't surprised when I answered the phone and a gentleman said, "This is General Paint calling." I quickly asked, "Would you like to speak to my husband, sir?"

"It doesn't matter," he said. "I'm just calling to tell you the wallpaper you ordered is in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I
n the process of updating my will, I wanted to discuss some of the personal items with my children. My 16-year-old daughter was home, so I began with her. "I have two wedding bands, so you and your sister will each have one. Then there's a string of pearls and my engagement ring. Which would you prefer?" With a lump in my throat, I watched her struggle for words. "Which," she finally asked, "would fetch the most money?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Have you any kittens going cheap?" asked a man in a pet store.

"No sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go "meow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two
hours later, he is still trying to back out of your driveway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry came into the office an hour late for the
third time in a week. "What's the story this time,
Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear
a good excuse for a change."

Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning,
boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station.
She got ready in ten minutes but then the drawbridge
got stuck. I swam across the river -- see? My suit's
still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's
helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here
piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss.
"No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumper Stickers. . .

Honk if anything falls off

Cover me I am changing lanes

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

( seen upside down on a jeep)
If you can read this, please flip me back over

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

Politicans & diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I say so myself, I look pretty brawny in my Navy summer whites. And
as I stood in line at the Long Beach Naval Hospital pharmacy, I wasn't
the only one who thought so.

A young boy kept staring at my arms. Eventually, he whispered something
to his mother, who in turn, leaned over to me.

"My son wants to know," she said, "if you have a can of spinach in your
shirt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new ID card
showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo
taken of him was not particularly good. And he wasn't at all quiet about
it.

"If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life," he
complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture."

"Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly.

        "Then bring us a better face!"
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've never seen two greener recruits than Fred and me the day we
arrived for basic training. We were immediately assigned guard duty, and
soon after, Fred was approached by an officer.

"Halt! Who goes there?" Fred shouted.

The officer identified himself and waited for a response. And waited. .
. . .

"What's wrong. soldier, don't you remember what comes next?"

"No," Fred yelled back.

       "And you're not taking another step until I do."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ALL STRUCK BY THE STUPID STICK
I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my
license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the
license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed
picture license that she was holding in her hand.
~
While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my
hair. He asked me what color.
~
Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town.
They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at
the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it
and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they
could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the woman at the
hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they haven't build that
restaurant. yet."
~
I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said,
"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm
quite busy." I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy
that one, I'm always talking on mine."
~
I went into a major retail establishment and asked an
employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing
her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a
narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the
bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on
Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game.

When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him,

"Are you by any chance going to be around the church building for
awhile?"

"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be
here all afternoon."

"Oh, Wonderful! Listen, would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming
back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game score?"

"Sure thing, Father."

Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard,

"Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't
done nothing and. . .

neither has Notre Dame."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant
when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees
a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching
that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has
been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't
think anybody could celebrate that long."
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**** Reader's Submissions ****

COMING SOON!

I am sorry but after hearing they want to sing the National Anthem in Spanish - enough is enough. Nowhere did they sing it in Italian, Polish, Irish (Celtic), German or any other language because of immigration. It was written by Francis Scot t Key and should be sung word for word the way it was written The news broadcasts even gave the translation -- not even close. Sorry if this offends anyone but this is MY COUNTRY - IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY SPEAK UP -- please pass this along. I am not against immigration -- just come through like everyone else. Get a sponsor; have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes, live by the rules AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE as all other immigrants have in the past -- and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

PART OF THE PROBLEM Think about this: If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

# 3 WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART

BABS


**** ON THIS DAY ****

 "What Is Your Address?"

There is a family nobody likes to meet,
They live, it is said, on Complaining Street.
In the city of Never-Are Satisfied,
The River of Discontent beside.

They growl at that, and they growl at this;
Whatever comes there is something amiss;
And whether their station be high or humble,
They are known by the name of Grumble.

The weather is always too hot or too cold,
Summer and winter alike they scold;
Nothing goes right with the folks you meet
Down on that gloomy Complaining Street.

They growl at the rain, and they growl at the sun;
In fact, their growling is never done.
And if everything pleased them, there isn't a doubt
They'd growl that they'd nothing to grumble about!

And the worst thing is that if anyone stays
Among them too long he will learn their ways,
And before he dreams of the terrible jumble
He's adopted into the family of Grumble.

So it were wisest to keep our feet
And never to growl whatever we do,
Lest we be mistaken for Grumblers too.
--By L. M. Montgomery

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-13-

Slim Dusty born "David Gordon Kirpatrick," in Kempsey, New Wales, Australia 1927.

Curley Lambert born 1930.

Howard Vokes born 1931.

Gene Autry recorded his hit single "I Want To Be Sure" 1945.

Eddy Arnold topped the charts with "Texarkana Baby" 1948.

Ray Price's "Crazy Arms" was #1 in 1956.

Roy Drusky joined the Grand Ole Opry 1959.

Loretta Lynn's "Honky Tonk Girl," debuted on the charts 1960.

Johnny Cash recorded "I Still Miss Someone," 1963.

The Country Music Foundation Library and Media Center, was dedicated 1972.

The final broadcast of The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour aired 1972.

A&M released The Flying Burrito Brothers album "Close Up the Honky-Tonks" 1974.

Sunshine Sue Workman, age 67, of the Old Dominion Barn Dance died 1979.

Kenny Rogers and Dottie West's "What Are We Doin' In Love," went to #1 in 1981.

Rosanne Cash's #1 single "Seven Year Ache" debuted on the charts 1981.

Randy Travis' "Forever and Ever, Amen," goes to #1 in 1987, and becomes the CMA Single of the Year.

MCA released Johnny Gimble's "Still Fiddlin' Around" album 1988.

Jerry Lee Lewis was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, 1989.

The Music City Christian Fellowship (MCCF,) an organization of artists that support Christian values in the entertainment industry, held it's Silver Anniversary Show at the Ryman Auditorium 2004.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Taylor Swift goes platinum

Monday, June 11, 2007 – Taylor Swift's self-titled debut album was certified platinum by the RIAA, signifying sales of 1 million units, her label announced Monday. The teenager country singer was surprised with an official platinum plaque by RIAA Senior Director of Artist & Industry Relations John Henkel and Big Machine Records President/CEO Scott Borchetta at CMA Music Fest on Sunday.

The presentation took place at the Big Machine Records booth during the Fest.

Swift's debut single, "Tim McGraw," is a Top 5 Country hit and a gold selling digital single (signifying sales of over 500,000 digital paid downloads). Her second single, "Teardrops on My Guitar" has achieved top 15 status.

Swift also has toured with Rascal Flatts, George Strait, Brad Paisley, Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw/Faith Hill.

 

Keith Urban opens U.S. leg of the tour

Monday, June 11, 2007 – Keith Urban's summer tour hit Phoenix Friday, marking the opening of Keith Urban's "Love, Pain & the whole crazy World Tour." The show sas the first of three sell-out concerts for Urban over the weekend with other shows in San Diego and Las Vegas.

The 30-city North American leg, which features The Wreckers as openers, included all of Urban's hits, past and present, into a two-hour performance.

"What a fantastic night," said Urban. "It felt like one huge party. The energy from the crowd was unreal. It is so great to be back in the States."

The set list included new songs from "Love Pain & the whole crazy thing"; "Once in a Lifetime," "Stupid Boy" and Urban's current single "I Told You So," as well as number one hits "Better Life," "Days Go By," "Who Wouldn't Wanna Be Me," "You'll Think Of Me,"Somebody Like You" and "Once In A Lifetime." 

 New York City to host Farm Aid

NEW YORK - The Farm Aid benefit concert is planting itself in New York City later this year, organizers said Monday.

The show will be held at Randalls Island on September 9.

Farm Aid co-founders

Willie Nelson and

John Mellencamp made the announcement with Mayor Michael Bloomberg at Union Square, which has a renowned fresh-produce market. The trio took a quick walk through one of the booths and munched snap peas for the cameras before holding a news conference about this year's concert.

The lineup will include Nelson, Mellencamp,

Neil Young and Dave Matthews.

Farm Aid concerts have been raising money for farmers since 1985. The organization's mission includes supporting family farms, changing the system of industrial agriculture, advocating fair prices and encouraging people to buy locally grown food that is organic and humanely produced.

It has raised more than $30 million since it began. Last year's concert was in Camden, N.J., and the year before was in Chicago.

"We're so happy that y'all have invited us, Farm Aid, to New York City," Nelson said. "More people eat probably around here than anywhere in the world."

Ticketmaster will begin selling tickets Saturday at 10 a.m.

CMA Music Festival Wraps

The CMA Music Festival wrapped up Sunday night, June 10, with a rocking show featuring Brad Paisley, Gretchen Wilson, Miranda Lambert and more stars.

June 11, 2007 – The four-day festival in downtown Nashville, June 7–10, treated fans to nightly concerts at the city’s LP Field, autograph booths, daily shows at Riverfront Park and children’s activities. Among the highlights from this year’s festival: Reba McEntire’s duet with pop star Kelly Clarkson on Reba’s upcoming single “Because of You,” rock icon Ted Nugent joining friends Montgomery Gentry on stage and Martina McBride’s fiery performance of “A Broken Wing” and other hits as she closed the June 9 stadium show. Final attendance figures have not yet been released, but it is believed that this year’s attendance will surpass the record-setting numbers of 2006.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Baked Beans without Ketchup

1 large can( 40 oz) great northern beans
1 lb bacon( cut in pieces and browned)
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup diced onions
1 Tablespoon yellow mustard
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
Brown bacon and add to rest of ingredients and bake at 350 for about
60 minutes or until beans begin to thicken. Enjoy !

MEXICAN ROLL-UPS   
  
6 Large Flour Tortillas  
8 ounces cream cheese  
8 ounces sour cream  
8 green onions chopped  
16 ounces of salsa  

DIRECTIONS:  
Let cream cheese warm to room temperature. Mix cream  
cheese with sour cream and chopped green onions. Spread  
on flour tortillas evenly, avoiding the edges. Roll up  
and refrigerate in large gallon size bags (won't take  
up to much room in your refrigerator that way) for at  
least two hours (may store overnight). Slice half of the  
tortilla roll-ups into one-inch circles. Arrange on  
platter. When your supply runs low slice the remaining  
tortilla roll-ups and serve. It's best not to cut up the  
roll-ups too far in advance, as they may dry out if left  
on the serving table for over two hours.  

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why is Judaism based on maternal lineage?

. It's been said that Judaism is "more like a nationality than like other religions," because traditionally, a person must be born Jewish or go through a lengthy conversion process. The strictest definition of a Jew is one whose mother was Jewish.

This doctrine of matrilineal descent has been part of Judaism since at least the second century C.E. (common era), when it was codified into the Talmud, the body of religious writings that supplement the Jewish holy book of the Torah. The Talmud expands on the Torah passages of Deuteronomy 7, which oppose intermarriage by Jews. This verse states that the child of a Jewish woman and a non-Jewish man will be Jewish. Other Torah verses admonish Jewish men from taking non-Jewish wives because their children will not be Jewish.

Why and how matrilineal descent evolved is unclear. Other aspects of lineage, such as one's affiliation with the Jewish tribes, are traced through the father. And in the Hebrew Bible, paternal lineage often plays a more important role. Scholars have suggested various reasons for the use of maternal lineage in determining Jewish status.

For one, a child's mother is always known, while the father couldn't be positively identified before modern technology. Also, the Jewish people suffered a long history of oppression, during which Jewish women were sometimes raped by their oppressors. Instead of casting out the woman and the child born of the rape, the Jewish community took them in by considering the child to be Jewish.

Responding to the rise of intermarriage among American Jews, the Reform movement of Judaism took the radical step of redefining who is considered Jewish. The Central Conference of American Rabbis declared that the child of one Jewish parent, mother or father, is presumed to be Jewish. However, children of mixed Jewish parentage should establish their Jewish identity through Torah study and public, formal acts such as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This Reform position is controversial among Jews and not typically recognized in Israel today.




****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
I recently bought a humidifier. I filled it with floor wax
and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

LAST CALL Y'ALL

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Atlanta. Then they turn
a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " " ALL DRINKS 10
CENTS !".

They look at each other, then go in. The old bartender says in a voice
that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you,
what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and says,
"That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are
produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents,
please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they
can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less
than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the
bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a
dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Greenville , and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor,
beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys
at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and
hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida, they're waiting for
"HAPPY HOUR"


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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