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From Carlisle
,Indiana U.S.A.
 Welcome
to The Funnies
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us." These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can
repair almost anything.
Welcome New Subscribers If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get
older than it is to get wiser

TODAY IS FLAG DAY ,NUFF SAID? THURSDAY JUNE
14,2007
THOUGHT
FOR TODAY: When women get
depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
In going back to
my small hometown for a reunion, I was surprised at the changes I saw until a
sign in front of the grocery store made me realize that the old values still
existed. The sign said: "We accept Visa, MasterCard,
Eggs." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Pope and the Queen of England are on the
same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish
accords. The crowd is huge--thousands! Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't
help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and
all.
The Queen says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one
little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go
wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved
wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the
crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be
outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he
could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,
"Your Majesty, that was
impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make
every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a
momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their
hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will
recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The
Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. . .
"One little wave of your
hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Ha! Show
me!"
So, the Pope slaps
her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND. . . A 5-year-old boy
went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom
while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't
have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied,
"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day
long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the
reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping
to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried
to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello,
is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom
bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~BaBs
~~~~~~~~~~~
Norwegian Fire Fighters
One dark night outside a small
town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a
blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire
departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters
appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire
chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center
of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department
that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the
firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the
situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted
out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring
out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was
heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian
rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the
age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine,
operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked
outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and
began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president
joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward
to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though
elderly, Norske fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in
after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all
that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da
furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat crazy
truck!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The managing Director was
scheduled to speak at an important confrence, so he asked one of his employees,
Jenkins to write him a punchy 20 minutes speech. When the MD returned from the
big event he was furious, "What's the idea of writing me an hour long speech, he
demanded," Half the audience walked out.
Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote
you a twenty minutes speech," he said. I also gave you the two extra copies you
asked for." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A funny story is told about General
George Patton from his World War II days. He once accepted an invitation to dine
at a press camp in Africa. Wine was served in canteen cups but, thinking he was
served coffee, Patton poured cream into his cup. As he stirred in sugar, Patton
was warned that his cup contained red wine and not coffee.
Now, General
Patton could never, never be wrong. Without hesitating he replied, "I know. I
like my wine this way." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an
upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from
County Cork, as a maid.
As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S
told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available.
Lena had
never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were
used.
Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena
that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what
they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary.
Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this masculine frailty.
"Sure,
Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said,
impressed.
"Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the
Lady, with an instinctive lifting of her nose.
After the guests had begun
arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar
tongs on the tea service.
Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the
Lady's angry shout.
"But...but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out
just as you told me to."
Her furious employer pointed to the tea table,
devoid of tongs. "Then where are they, young woman?"
"Why, they're in the
loo, of course." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A jealous husband hired a
private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted
more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's
activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat
down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than
professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of
them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an
outdoor caf?. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man
and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I
just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective
replies,
"What's not to believe? It's right up there on the
screen."
The husband says,
"I
just can't believe that my wife could be so much
fun!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This man in a Ford Granada pulls up
next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open
and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in
there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one
too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the
Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do
too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn
green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in
back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep,
got my double bed right in back here, see?!"
The light turns and the man
in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not
about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and
orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks
later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Granada.
He finally finds it parked
alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on
the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but
he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and
peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey.
Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check
this out, I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in
the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young Scottish lad and lass were
sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For
several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy
and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was
thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed,
then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The
two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then
the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well,
uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The
girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he
blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot
time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took
his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once
again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another
penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled
brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this
time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled
with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl
looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of
the ultimate request.
And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time
ye paid me the first three pennies?"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's
ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** Reader's Submissions
****
The Top 10 Things Dads
Won't Ever Say...
10. Well, how 'bout that?...
I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for
directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that
you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be
fun?
8. I noticed that all your
friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like
that.
7. Here's a credit card and
the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna
play football? Figure skating not good enough for you,
son?
5. Your Mother and I are
going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a
party.
4. Well, I don't know what's
wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know --
that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay
whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to
live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's
go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a
job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't
worry about that -- it's no big deal.
GOOFPROOF
**** ON THIS
DAY ****
 **** HEADS UP FOLKS
**** These Are My Causes Please
Help
This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is
excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue
Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a
minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free
(pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their
corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate
mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"
for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their
corporate sponsors/advertisers
use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it
along to people you
know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dancing is the art
of moving your feet away faster than your partner can step on
them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for
FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is
excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U
Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this jim4615@joink.com subject
Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
 Race 8 of 17 Sunday, June 24
Newton, Iowa
Inaugural Event
Distance: 250 laps/218.75 miles
TV: 1 p.m. on ABC Worldwide
TV: Download Listings »
Radio: IMS Radio
Network » indycar.com Simulcast » XM IndyCar Series Racing Channel 145 and XM Sports Nation
Channel 144
Race times are Eastern and subject to
change.
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
-14-
Burl Ives born Newton, IL
1909.
George Carlisle born
1911.
Lester Flatt born Overton County, TN
1914.
Fiddlin John Carson recorded his first
record in Atlanta, for Okeh Records 1923.
Tex Ritter married Dorothy Fay Southworth,
1941.
Janie Black, recording artist, born
1944.
Hank Williams released "Move It On Over,"
1947.
Hank Williams recorded "Honky Tonk Blues,"
1950.
Patsy Cline was seriously injured in a car
wreck on a Nashville street in 1961. Patsy went through the windshield
and received a dislocated hip, broken wrist, and serious lacerations on her
face, and cracked ribs. Patsy was unable to sing for the next eight months.
Ernest V. "Pop" Stoneman, age 75, of the
"Stoneman Family" died in Nashville 1968.
Johnny Rodriquez went to #1 with "You
Always Come Back" 1973.
Alabama's debut album "My Home's In
Alabama," charted 1980.
Bob Rolontz, age 79, record executive,
originator of the platinum record, died 2000.
Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton inducted
into the National Academy of Popular Music, Songwriters Hall of Fame, in New
York City in 2001.
The Charlie Daniels Museum debuted in
downtown Nashville, 2001.
Josh Turner and Jennifer Ford were married
in 2003.
Little Jimmy Dickens interrupted Trace Adkins while he
was performing on the Grand Ole Opry in 2003. Jimmy asked Trace if he
would like to become a member of the Opry, Trace, tearfully said of course I
would, and Jimmy said, "Come back on August 23, 2003 and you'll be inducted as a
member."

**** COUNTRY
MUSIC NEWS ****
Porter Wagoner opens for White Stripes at the
Garden
Wednesday, June 6, 2007 – Fresh off his just
released brand new CD, "Wagonmaster," Porter Wagoner can look forward to playing
Madison Square Garden in July. With a band featuring Marty Stuart and his
Fabulous Superlatives, Wagoner will open for White Stripes July 24.
Stuart produced Wagoner's album for the Anti-label. His video
for the Johnny Cash-penned "Committed To Parkview" is getting play on CMT. He
also recently celebrated his 50th anniversary as a member of the Grand Ole Opry
with Dolly Parton and Patty Loveless participating.
CMA Music Fest enjoys record attendance`
Tuesday, June 12, 2007 – CMA Music Festival set
a new aggregate attendance record in 2007 with 191,154 people attending the
4-day Festival, June 7-10, in Nashville.
"It was an amazing event on many different levels - from the
outstanding lineup of artists; to our incredibly enthusiastic fans, who traveled
from around the globe to be here; to the outpouring of support from Nashville
and our surrounding communities," said Tammy Genovese, CMA Chief Operating
Officer.
Attendance at the festival hit an all-time high. Single concert
tickets for the Nightly Concerts at LP Field were up 14 percent from 2006. In
fact, CMA opened the upper level of LP Field to meet the demand for four-day
ticket packages and single night concert tickets. CMA also experienced a
20-percent increase in the sale of 4-day ticket packages.
"Increased single concert ticket sales are an indication of
increased local support and participation in the festival," Genovese said. "It
is a trend that started two years ago, and we are seeing it grow from year to
year. Local companies and individuals are embracing this event as never before -
especially now that it benefits music education. In fact, we had 400 Metro
Nashville students attend Saturday night thanks to the generosity of the
Nashville Area Chamber of Commerce."
Aggregate attendance has grown from 124,000 in 2003, to 132,000
in 2004, 145,000 in 2005, to 161,000 in 2006, and now more than 191,000.
Increased sales of four-day ticket packages and single concert tickets at
Riverfront Park and LP Field contributed to the growth, as well as record
attendance at CMA Music Festival's free areas - including the Crisco® Family
Zone, CMT® Fun Zone, and Chevy Sports Zone.
Several factors accounted for the increase attendance: sales of
four-day ticket packages outpaced 2006 sales; there was an extensive local
advertising campaign to drive awareness; additional free performance stages were
added; and with the exception of a brief storm Friday, hospitable weather helped
stimulate sales of single-day tickets. Even on Sunday, four-day tickets, which
allowed access to LP Field, the Convention Center and the Riverfront concerts,
were still being sold.
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Tim McGraw/Faith Hill
tour sets records
Wednesday, June 13, 2007 – Tim
McGraw and Faith Hill's "Jeep Presents Soul2Soul Tour 2007" started
last week by setting box office records for attendance and gross for
the tour's first week out. Nearly 50,000 fans attended the first
three shows.
The tour also established a new record gross
during both its two-day stop in Omaha and single day in St. Paul,
Minn. for a single country show, according the Xcel Energy
Center. | |
Steve Azar headlines July 4 D.C. show
Wednesday, June 13, 2007 – Steve Azar
will headline America's 2007 Independence Day Celebration in Washington on July
4th.
Special guests will include the United States Army Navy Band.
Azar's performance will be followed by fireworks. The annual free event is
presented by the National Park Service (NPS) and is considered to be one of the
largest Independence Day celebrations in the country. The day-long celebration
features a myriad of activities for all ages, including a parade, the Folklife
Festival, music and fireworks.
In addition to headlining his own concerts across the country,
Azar will soon be joining Hootie & the Blowfish on select dates this summer.
He was recently on tour with Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band.
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
Ham and
Cheese Pie
1 fresh cheese in a basket (Basket Cheese) You can
get it at an Italian market 2 oz grated romano cheese 2 oz grated parmesan
cheese 8 oz lean ham, finely chopped 1 lb rocotta cheese 3 eggs 1
tbsp fresh chopped parsley (you dont really need fresh) ? tsp ground
pepper
Mix all ingredients and pour into a prepared unbaked pie crust.
Bake in preheated oven at 325 degree's for 60 minutes, or until knife
inserted into center comes out clean. Cool and
serve
Sugarless Banana Cheesecake
2 eggs 1
cup low-fat yogurt 1 cup fat-free cottage cheese 1 tsp. vanilla
extract 1 Tbs. honey1/2 tsp. salt 2 pkg. sugar substitute 1/4 cup whole
wheat flour 1 tsp. grated orange rind 1 tsp. grated lemon Non-fat
cooking spray 2 bananas Preparation Preheat oven to 350°. Beat eggs
lightly. Add yogurt, cottage cheese, vanilla, & honey. Mix well. Combine
salt, sugar substitute & flour. Add to mixture. Add grated lemon rind
& grated orange rind. Spray a 9-inch pie pan with cooking spray &
pour batter into pan. Bake 25 minutes or until done. Chill well.
Slice bananas on top. Other Fresh fruit may be used in place of
bananas.

**** TODAY'S USELESS
FACT ****
When did the dodo bird become
extinct?
The odd-looking bird known as Raphus cucullatus in
scientific circles, but commonly called the dodo, was only known to humans for a
scant 80-some years before it disappeared off the face of the Earth. Portuguese
sailors discovered the creature in 1598 on Mauritius, a small island off the
coast of Africa. The bird had no natural predators before the arrival of humans,
and so it was not afraid of these strange new interlopers. Mistaking its lack of
fear for a lack of intelligence, the sailors called the bird the "dodo" from the
Portuguese "doudou," meaning "simpleton."
After the remote island became
inhabited by humans, the dodo's fate was sealed. The poor fowl had lived in
relative isolation for so long that it had few defenses and proved to be easy
prey for humans and the animals they brought with them. The flightless bird was
hunted for sport and food by humans, and its eggs, laid individually in nests on
the ground, were devoured by dogs, cats, and pigs. By 1681, the entire species
was wiped out. Two similar species were discovered on nearby islands, but sadly,
they fared no better and were both extinct by 1750.
On an interesting
side note, not only did the extinction of the dodo deprive the world of one of
nature's most curious creations, it almost led to the extinction of yet another
species, a certain type of tree whose seeds could only germinate after passing
through the digestive tract of the dodo. With the disappearance of the dodo, the
tree was slowly dying out. There were only 13 trees left when it was discovered
that turkeys could also be used to help the seeds activate, and the tree, now
known as the dodo tree, has avoided extinction for the time
being.
****A PARTING THOUGHT
**** A man was complaining about the cost of a
baby. The nurse said, "Sure, but look how long they last!"
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
The showers in my
daughter's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn
others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the
toilets.
During one of my daughter's visits home, a friend stopped by to
chat for a while. I was explaining how my daughter was acting more distant now
that she was in college, and that she didn't tell me all about her life the way
she used to.
Suddenly we heard my daughter call out from the bathroom,
"Flushing!"
"Good grief," said my friend. "How much more do you want to
know?"

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR! In God I
trust. All others we polygraph *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out
there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies
personally. The contents are meant
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are believed to be public
domain . If you hold copyright on
any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit,
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AMERICA
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