Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TGIF
FRIDAY JUNE  15,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. .....I've tried!!

The year is 2029-----

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~BaBs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers
to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services. About a week
later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a
result of having imbibed too freely. Mike was apologetic. "I'm
collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the neighbours
I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his
subscription." The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotallers in the
parish, Mike?" "Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've written to
them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with
his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with
the dog beside him in his wife's place. "Glory be!" said Mick. " I must
have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of
noise when I threw the dog out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his
bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up
at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant
minister."

The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good
Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting
now, not a minister."The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please.
It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son,
"Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your
life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages
to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father,
you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."

The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to
the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the
minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly
through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the
priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a
Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the
old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a
good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I
performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like
this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I
figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of
*us*."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The man was immaculately dressed. Kitted out more for the Ritz than the
street. But in the street he lay dressed in black tail suit, patent
leather shoes, top hat and bow tie, and very dead.

'How did he get here?' asked patrolman Muldoon.

'He threw himself off the roof,' said a bystander.

'Does anyone know the man?' said Muldoon.

'I do,' said Barrie Quinn.

'What religion is he?' asked the policeman. 'Catholic, Protestant,
Jewish, Muslim?'

'None at all,' said Quinn. 'He's an atheist!'

'What a shame,' said Muldoon. 'All dressed up and nowhere to go!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner Mom & Pop grocery
picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer
walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot
of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if
you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill
him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the
counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out
of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The
grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog
died but added,

"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog, remember?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed
him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

          "The spin cycle!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came
to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a
wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk asked, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year
or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a young announcer was raising funds on a local public television station, a woman called in and told the volunteer operator she would donate a hundred dollars if the announcer would shave off his beard. He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shaven. The following day, the check arrived from his mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While driving through South Carolina, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews.

To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, "Let 'em work. Let 'em live."

On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, "Let 'em finish!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati.

At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party."

As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?"

Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, 'I'm the large party."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.

Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship.

Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."

Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the scene of a bank heist, the police sergeant came running up to his inspector and said,
"He got away sir!" The inspector roared, "But I told you to put a man at each exit! How could he
have gotten away?" The sergeant replied, "He left by one of the entrances, sir!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politician: Re-elect me for a second term! In spite of what the House Ethics Committee investigation concluded, my conscience is clean.

Heckler: Yeah, because in the last six years you never used it! 
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**** Reader's Submissions ****

A Tale of Six Boys"

      Each year I am hired to go to Washington, DC, with the eighth grade class from Clinton, WI. where I grew up, to videotape their trip. I greatly enjoy visiting our nation's capitol, and each year I take some special memories back with me. This fall's trip was especially memorable.

      On the last night of our trip, we stopped at the Iwo Jima memorial. This memorial is the largest bronze statue in the world and depicts one of the most famous photographs in history -- that of the six brave soldiers raising the American Flag at the top of a rocky hill on the island of Iwo Jima, Japan, during WW II.

      Over one hundred students and chaperones piled off the buses and headed towards the memorial. I noticed a solitary figure at the base of the statue, and as I got closer he asked, "Where are you guys from?"

      I told him that we were from Wisconsin. "Hey, I'm a cheese head, too! Come gather around, Cheese heads, and I will tell you a story."

      (James Bradley just happened to be in Washington, DC, to speak at the memorial the following day. He was there that night to say good night to his dad, who has since passed away. He was just about to leave when he saw the buses pull up. I videotaped him as he spoke to us, and received his permission to share what he said from my videotape. It is one thing to tour the incredible monuments filled with history in Washington, D.C., but it is quite another to get the kind of insight we received that night).

      When all had gathered around, he reverently began to speak. (Here are his words that night).

      "My name is James Bradley and I'm from Antigo, Wisconsin. My dad is on that statue, and I just wrote a book called "Flags of Our Fathers" which is #5 on the New York Times Best Seller list right now. It is the story of the six boys you see behind me.

      "Six boys raised the flag. The first guy putting the pole in the ground is Harlon Block. Harlon was an all-state football player. He enlisted in the Marine Corps with all the senior members of his football team. They were off to play another type of game. A game called "War." But it didn't turn out to be a game.

      Harlon, at the age of 21, died with his intestines in his hands. I don't say that to gross you out, I say that because there are generals who stand in front of this statue and talk about the glory of war. You guys need to know that most of the boys in Iwo Jima were 17, 18, and 19 years old.

      (He pointed to the statue) "You see this next guy? That's Rene Gagnon from New Hampshire. If you took Rene's helmet off at the moment this photo was taken and looked in the webbing of that helmet, you would find a photograph. ...a photograph of his girlfriend. Rene put that in there for protection because he was scared. He was 18 years old. Boys won the battle of Iwo Jima. Boys. Not old men.

      "The next guy here, the third guy in this tableau, was Sergeant Mike Strank. Mike is my hero. He was the hero of all these guys. They called him the "old man" because he was so old. He was already 24. When Mike would motivate his boys in training camp, he didn't say, 'Let's go kill some Japanese' or 'Let's die for our country.' He knew he was talking to little boys. Instead he would say, 'You do what I say, and I'll get you home to your mothers.'

      "The last guy on this side of the statue is Ira Hayes, a Pima Indian from Arizona. Ira Hayes walked off Iwo Jima. He went into the White House with my dad. President Truman told him, 'You're a hero.' He told reporters, 'How can I feel like a hero when 250 of my buddies hit the island with me and only 27 of us walked off alive?' So you take your class at school, 250 of you spending a year together having fun, doing everything together. Then all 250 of you hit the beach, but only 27 of your classmates walk off alive. That was Ira Hayes. He had images of horror in his mind. Ira Hayes died dead drunk, face down at the age of 32. ...ten years after this picture was taken.

      "The next guy, going around the statue, is Franklin Sousley from Hilltop, Kentucky. A fun-lovin' hillbilly boy. Franklin died on Iwo Jima at the age of 19. When the telegram came to tell his mother that he was dead, it went to the Hilltop General Store. A barefoot boy ran that telegram up to his mother's farm. The neighbors could hear her scream all night and into the morning. The neighbors lived a quarter of a mile away.

      "The next guy, as we continue to go around the statue, is my dad, John Bradley from Antigo, Wisconsin, where I was raised. My dad lived until 1994, but he would never give interviews. When Walter Cronkite's producers, or the New York Times would call, we were trained as little kids to say, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, my dad's not here. He is in Canada fishing. No, there is no phone there, sir. No, we don't know when he is coming back.' My dad never fished or even went to Canada. Usually, he was sitting there right at the table eating his Campbell's soup. But we had to tell the press that he was out fishing. He didn't want to talk to the press.

      "You see, my dad didn't see himself as a hero. Everyone thinks these guys are heroes, 'cause they are in a photo and on a monument. My dad knew better. He was a medic. John Bradley from Wisconsin was a caregiver. In Iwo Jima he probably held over 200 boys as they died. And when boys died in Iwo Jima, they writhed and screamed in pain.

      "When I was a little boy, my third grade teacher told me that my dad was a hero. When I went home and told my dad that, he looked at me and said, 'I want you always to remember that the heroes of Iwo Jima are the guys who did not come back. Did NOT come back.'

      "So that's the story about six nice young boys. Three died on Iwo Jima, and three came back as national heroes. Overall, 7,000 boys died on Iwo Jima in the worst battle in the history of the Marine Corps. My voice is giving out, so I will end here. Thank you for your time."

      Suddenly, the monument wasn't just a big old piece of metal with a flag sticking out of the top. It came to life before our eyes with the heartfelt words of a son who did indeed have a father who was a hero. Maybe not a hero for the reasons most people would believe, but a hero nonetheless.

      We need to remember that God created this vast and glorious world for us to live in, freely, but also at great sacrifice. Let us never forget from the Revolutionary War to the Gulf War and all the wars in-between that sacrifice was made for our freedom. Remember to pray praises for this great country of ours and also pray for those still in murderous unrest around the world. STOP and THANK GOD for being alive and being free at someone else's sacrifice.

      REMINDER: Everyday you wake up free, IS a great day
~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~

**** ON THIS DAY ****

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've decided to cut back on tv snacks. My wife saw me getting Pepsi,
chips, dip, pretzels, and peanuts, and said,
            "Well, here comes the Wide World of Sports!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

15-

Blind Alfred Reed, songwriter/multi-instrumentalist/recording artist, born Floyd, VA 1880.

Tex Owens, singer/songwriter, wrote "Cattle Call" born Killeen, TX 1892.

Marvin Hughes, pianist, born Nashville, TN 1911.

Leon Payne, singer/songwriter, born Alba, TX 1917.

Tommy Vaden, fiddler, born Nashville, TN 1925.

Bill Porter, record company executive, born St. Louis, MO 1931.

Waylon Jennings, born Littlefield, TX 1937.

Gene Autry's hit single "Wave To Me, My Lady" charted 1946.

Terri Gibbs, recording artist/keyboardist, born Miami, FL 1954.

Jack Clement went to work for Sam Phillips at Sun Studio's in Memphis, 1956.

Webb Pierce released "I Ain't Never," 1959.

Terry Smith bassist/studio musician, born Reidsville, NC 1960.

Johnny Cash performed at the Hollywood Bowl 1962.

Buck Owens' "Act Naturally," becomes the first #1 of his career, 1963.

Michael Britt, guitar/vocals, "Lonestar," born Ft. Worth, TX 1966.

"Hee Haw" debuted on the CBS-TV network 1969. Buck Owens and Roy Clark were co-hosts; the Buckaroos were hired as house band. CBS dropped the show in 1971 and it went into syndication.

Bill Gatins died 1973.

John Denver's #1 hit "Annie's Song" charted on Billboard's Top 40 chart 1974.

Tom T. Hall recorded "Mama's Got The Catfish Blues" 1976.

The Johnny Cash Show toured Australia from the 15^{th through the 23rd, in 1981.}

The City of Nashville awarded Marty Robbins the Metronome Award 1985.

C.F. Martin III died 1986.

Ruby Falls, age 40, singer/songwriter died Nashville, TN 1986.

Minnie Pearl appeared on her last show date in Joliet, IL 1991.

Lucky Moeller, age 84, died 1996.

RCA Records released Alabama's album "Twentieth Century" 1999.

Jamie O'Neal debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 2001.

Jerry Lee Lewis hospitalized in Memphis in 2001, suffering from pneumonia.

-16-

George McCormick, born rural Carthage, TN 1933.

Billy "Crash" Craddock, born "William Wayne Craddock," Greensboro, NC 1939.

The Rouse Brothers recorded the first version of "The Orange Blossom Special," 1939.

Hank and Audrey Williams, held the Grand Opening of their "Hank & Audrey's Corral," western store, at 724 Commerce Street, in downtown Nashville in 1951. The opening celebration was broadcast by WSM.

Lefty Frizzell topped the charts with "I Want To Be With You Always" 1951.

Buck Owens recorded "Under You Spell Again" at Capitol Records, Hollywood 1959. The record was released on July 13, 1959, and became the first of Buck's compositions to become a country standard.

Marty Robbins' movie, "Hell On Wheels," premiered in Nashville, 1967.

Wynn Stewart was #1 on the charts with "It's Such A Pretty World Today" 1967.

Bob Nolan, "Robert Clarence Nobles", age 72, Sons of the Pioneers," died 1980.

Eddy Raven's "I Got Mexico," went to #1 in 1984.

Lee Mace, founder of Lee Mace's Ozark Opry, died 1985.

MCA released Vince Gill's "High Lonesome Sound"

Koch Records released Gail Davies' "Greatest Hits" album 1998.

Jack McFadden, age 71, died 1998. Jack was the talent coordinator for "Hee Haw," and managed Buck Owens career for three decades.

Mark Wills and Darryl Worley were invited by President Bush to join him at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, FL, as he thanked the troops at CENTCOM for their hard work and dedication to duty. Mark and Darryl performed for the troops and their family's 2004.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Tim McGraw officially releases "If You're Reading This" to radio

 Tim McGraw's tribute to families of fallen hero's, "If You're Reading This," is being released immediately as a remixed and newly mastered recording from his performance on this year's Academy of Country Music Awards. Simultaneously Curb Records will continue to work McGraw's hit duet single with Faith Hill, "I Need You," which currently is bulleted at number 14 on the country radio charts.

"I want to thank dick clark productions, the Academy of Country Music and Curb Records for working with us to make this happen. It's clear that all Americans have responded to this song, and it is fitting that we were all able to work together quickly to release this record," said manager Scott Siman. "I have had a lot of industry people ask why Tim would choose to do something other than his current single on an awards show. I think it takes a true artist with vision to look beyond the status quo and see what might exist by stretching the boundaries."

McGraw worked with producer Byron Gallimore just prior to launching the "Soul2Soul 2007 Tour" to remix and master the televised performance. Country radio stations immediately began playing the televised performance. McGraw has been performing the song live on the tour. 

Big & Rich will top Billboard country music album chart

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 – Big & Rich will top the Billboard country album chart when it is released Thursday with "Between Raising Hell and Amazing Grace." The disc sold 103,000 units, good enough for sixth on the overall chart. That was the only country disc in the top 10. Big & Rich take over the top from Jason Aldean's second Broken Bow Records album, "Relentless."

The duo previously released "Comin' To Your City" and "Horse of a Different Color."


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Coca Cola Ham

1 (6 pound) ham
Brown sugar
1 (12 ounce) can Coca Cola

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Score top of ham. Place in oven just
until hot. Remove from oven and cut skin off ham. Pack outside of
ham well with brown sugar about 1/4-inch thick. Pour Coca Cola in
bottom of pan. Do not pour over ham. Place ham in oven and let top
of ham cook dry for about 10 minutes. Remove and baste.

Continue cooking ham, uncovered, for 1 hour, basting every 10
minutes. Take ham out of oven and baste occasionally as it cools.
Source: Hog Wild


Macaroni and Cheese

Cook 1 1b Macaroni and set aside
Add 1/4 cup flour and blend
Add 2 Cups Milk to a boil and simmer 2 minutes
Add 2 Cups Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese
Place macaroni in greased baking dish and stir in Cheese Mixture
Bake 425 for 20 minutes in greased baking pan

For a main dish:

Sausage and Cheese Casserole
In skillet: Brown 1 lb Pork Sausage and set aside
Cook 1 lb macaroni and set aside (add a bit of oil so it doesn't

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why are planets basically round, and not irregularly shaped like meteors?

Imagine you're building a stone tower, miles into the sky. At some point, you'll come up against the fundamental limitations of the materials you're working with: Your Tower of Babel will crumble from its own weight, the ground will sag beneath it—it simply won't get any taller. Something similar happens with celestial bodies. In effect, once a clod of space rock gets up to a certain size, its gravity causes it to cave in on itself, smoothing out the biggest bumps, pocks, and other surface irregularities. Smaller rocks, like asteroids and meteors, don't have the same gravitational forces to contend with. "A celestial rock that's only two hundred miles across can be quite irregular," notes David Morrison of NASA's Ames Research Center. "But you'll find that once asteroids get up to, say, seven hundred miles across, they're usually pretty spherical." If Earth were made entirely of gases and liquids, it would not only assume a spherical shape but gravity would pull everything down to a perfectly smooth, even surface. But solid rock, to varying degrees, can withstand gravity's pull—which explains why, despite its overall orblike appearance, Earth tolerates mountains, valleys, hills, and other idiosyncrasies.

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

LAST CALL Y'ALL

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their
teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully
set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read:

"Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go
ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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