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Subject: The Daily Funnies - June18, 2007





From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

MONDAY JUNE  18,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance." (Oscar Wilde)


An Irish Blessing

May you always have...

A sunbeam to warm you,

Good luck to charm you,

And a sheltering angel

so nothing can harm you.

Laughter to cheer you,

Faithful friends near you,

And whenever you pray...

Heaven to hear you.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman
stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face
again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the
door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door
and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly
fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.


He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why was there six bullet holes in the mirror???

A: A blonde tried to shoot herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm dyslexic and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PREGNANT TURKEY

One year at Christmas a mother went to her daughter's house
for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible her daughter is, the
mother decided to play a trick. She told her daughter that she needed
something from the store. When her daughter left, her mother took the
turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and
inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed
the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, the daughter pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, her mother exclaimed, "Sandra,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, her daughter started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.

"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained.

Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was
next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go
out the back of his shop and eat his black bread
and herring while smelling the wonderful odors
coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive
an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of
food'.

So he went to the restaurant to point out that he
had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so
you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant
to present their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and
sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating
his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his
poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you
have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his
pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food
with the sound of my money."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A traveling circuit rider loved a certain brand of extremely hot Tabasco sauce. He put it on everything he ate. When he traveled, he carried a small bottle of this sauce in a bag.

One day the circuit rider stopped off in a small rural town. He went into the local restaurant and ordered a steak for lunch. When it was served, he pulled out his hot sauce, poured it on the steak, said grace, and began eating.

A salesman at the next table noticed how much the pastor was enjoying his meal. "Say, Parson," said the salesman, "you seem to be really enjoying that steak."

"Why, yes, this is a very good steak," replied the minister, "but only because I added this special sauce on top."

"Could I give it a try?" asked the salesman.

"Of course," replied the minister, passing him the bottle. The salesman immediately applied a generous amount to his meal and took a bite.

"Sorry to bother you again, Pastor, but I have a question," said the salesman. "In your rounds do you often preach about hell?"

"Yes, I do," replied the circuit rider. "Why do you ask?"

The salesman replied, "Well, you're the first pastor I've ever met who carried samples of it with him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary: I have my own theory about global warming, and I think it's a pretty sound one.

Jill: What's that?

Mary: Well, someone should consider the possibility that it's caused by all of us
menopausal women and our hot flashes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Classic comes along that really makes your sides hurt
but you stop and hope that its not real.

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given
in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh
too
hard- one of these may be the president someday.)


Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
    drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
    pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
    tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
    and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
    umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the 60's are
revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits........... Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees........................ How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin .................. Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr ..................   I Get By With a Little Help From
Depends

5. Roberta Flack............... The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash ............................ I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon ......................... Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores .............   Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye ....................... Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem.................................. Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer.......................... You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations ....................... Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba ............................................ Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando...................Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You
Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy............................ I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson................................On the Throne Again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep.

After the job was completed the boss returned and explained
an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed.
"Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem.
He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days!
There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole
deeper!"

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**** Reader's Submissions ****

A brand new week and a brand new collection of "GRINS, GIGGLES & GROANERS" sent your way from time to time to help u get a start on your day and also because we firmly believe that . . . . .

     "Laughter is contagious .... and we think       everyone should be a carrier!!!!"
 
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A young man said, "The greatest gift I ever received was a gift I got when my Dad gave me a small box...Inside was a note saying, Son, this year I will give you 365 hours...one hour everyday after dinner...It's yours. We'll talk about what you want to talk about, we'll go where you want to go, play what you want to play...it will be your hour." My Dad not only kept his promise," he said, "but every year he would renew it...and it's the greastest gift I ever had in my life...I am the result of his time." Thank you, Dad!

≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
A father is a guy who can be strong and gentle at the same time.

A father can be tough as nails and soft as clouds and can hold you tight as can be.

But most of all a father is love and he keeps you, but when it's time to let go...he will let you fly on your own!

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A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Adrianne was excited about the task...but she just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, she could barely get past the first line. Then came the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation. When it was her turn, Adrianne stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

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If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?

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As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again.

This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So ... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

God looked over at him and said, "Who's he going to tell?"

≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

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In the old days you never could tell how drunk you were. Nowadays we have machines to tell you how drunk you are. We call them Karaoke machines.

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance. And was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes. He attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting". The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was w orth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also w orth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler"

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How to Get Rid of Telemarketers

- If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died. When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

- This works great if you are male: Telemarketing: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company...Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

- Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

- Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to peak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...Would you be my friend?"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Yes, brave Oyster Slayer, they sure do." he replied.

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A man was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to obey a police officer.

"Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could have given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.

"It's like this, your honor," he explained. "My wife said I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law."

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Disney World is such a friendly place. A little boy I had never met before came up to me and wrapped his arms around me, and gave me a great big hug as his mother took our picture. It was thrilling, that is, until his mother smiled and said, "Thanks, Goofy!"
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A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes.'"

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A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock ready to proceed at the beginning of the service. His surplice was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress, but your purse is on fire!"

≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥

A man walked into a grocery store and announced: "I want all the rotten eggs you have."

"What do you want with rotten eggs?" asked the shop assistant.

"Unless you're going to see that terrible new comedian who's on at the theatre this week?"

The man replied icily: "I am the new comedian."

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Signs and Notices

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥


"In 1844 the Young Men's Christian Association, the YMCA, was founded. It was founded by a small group of friends: a construction worker, an Indian chief, a cop, a soldier, a cowboy...they all met at a disco." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Nebraska yesterday speaking about immigration. To the people in Nebraska immigration means moving to Iowa." --Conan O'Brien

"Are you excited about the World Cup? Of course not. You're Americans. We could care less." --David Letterman

"How annoying is this? Senator Hillary Clinton calling for a return of the 55 mile an hour speed limit. When people in L.A. heard about this, they said, 'What? Cars can go that fast?'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

"Some excitement at the White House yesterday. The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, 'Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President.'" --Conan O'Brien

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

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Thats all there is for this time ... hope you had a few smiles.  GGG will be back soon, maybe even tomorrow!!!
FRED

**** ON THIS DAY ****

The Bridge
Author Unknown

There was once a bridge which spanned a large river. During most of
the day the bridge sat with its length running up and down the river
paralleled with the banks, allowing ships to pass thru freely on
both sides of the bridge. But at certain times each day, a train
would come along and the bridge would be turned sideways across the
river, allowing a train to cross it.

A switchman sat in a small shack on one side of the river where he
operated the controls to turn the bridge and lock it into place as
the train crossed. One evening as the switchman was waiting for the
last train of the day to come, he looked off into the distance thru
the dimming twilight and caught sight of the trainlights. He stepped
to the control and waited until the train was within a prescribed
distance when he was to turn the bridge. He turned the bridge into
position, but, to his horror, he found the locking control did not
work. If the bridge was not securely in position it would wobble
back and forth at the ends when the train came onto it, causing the
train to jump the track and go crashing into the river. This would
be a passenger train with many people aboard.

He left the bridge turned across the river, and hurried across the
bridge to the other side of the river where there was a lever switch
he could hold to operate the lock manually. He would have to hold
the lever back firmly as the train crossed. He could hear the rumble
of the train now, and he took hold of the lever and leaned backward
to apply his weight to it, locking the bridge. He kept applying the
pressure to keep the mechanism locked. Many lives depended on this
man's strength.

Then, coming across the bridge from the direction of his control
shack, he heard a sound that made his blood run cold. "Daddy, where
are you?" His four-year-old son was crossing the bridge to look for
him. His first impulse was to cry out to the child, "Run! Run!" But
the train was too close; the tiny legs would never make it across
the bridge in time. The man almost left his lever to run and snatch
up his son and carry him to safety.

But he realized that he could not get back to the lever. Either the
people on the train or his little son must die. He took a moment to
make his decision. The train sped safely and swiftly on its way, and
no one aboard was even aware of the tiny broken body thrown
mercilessly into the river by the onrushing train. Nor were they
aware of the pitiful figure of the sobbing man, still clinging
tightly to the locking lever long after the train had passed.

They did not see him walking home more slowly than he had ever
walked: to tell his wife how their son had brutally died.

Now if you comprehend the emotions which went this man's heart, you
can begin to understand the feelings of our Father in Heaven when He
sacrificed His Son to bridge the gap between us and eternal life.
Can there be any wonder that He caused the earth to tremble and the
skies to darken when His Son died? How does He feel when we speed
along thru life without giving a thought to what was done for us
thru Jesus Christ?



**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing.
Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine
were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-17-

Red Foley born "Clyde Julian Foley," Blue Lick, KY 1910. Red sold over 25-million records between 1943 and 1965. Inducted CMHF 1967.

David "Stringbean" Akeman born Anniville, KY 1916.

Bill and Mary Reid, early radio, and recording stars, born 1926.

Earl Taylor born Lee County, VA 1929.

Rod Brasfield joined the Grand Ole Opry 1944.

The Poe Sisters joined the Grand Ole Opry 1944.

Gene Autry discharged from the U. S. Army 1945.

Russell Smith, founding member of the "Amazing Rhythm Aces," born Nashville, TN 1949.

Hank Thompson's "The Wild Side of Life" topped the charts 1952.

The Ozark Jubilee opened at the Jewell Theater in 1954.

Jerry Lee Lewis' "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On" charted 1957.

Hank Locklin went to #1 with "Please Help Me I'm Falling" 1960.

The Ralph Emery Show on WSM-TV debuted 1963.

The top country song in America in 1967 was Jack Greene's "All the Time."

Johnny Cash appeared at Explo '72 in Dallas, Texas with Billy Graham 1972.

Aaron Clark of the Clark Family Experience, born 1977.

Alan Jackson recorded his first session in Nashville 1986. His sister and another investor paid $6.000 each to pay for the session.

Reprise Records released Buck Owens & Dwight Yoakam's duet single "Streets Of Bakersfield" 1988. The song went to #1.

Minnie Pearl suffered a serious stroke in 1991, and spent the remaining years of her life in a nursing home in Nashville.

Dewey Balfa, age 65, traditional Cajun recording artist died 1992.

Ground breaking for the new Country Music Hall of Fame in downtown Nashville 1999.

Suzy Bogguss' first album in three years, "Swing," was released in 2003. Bogguss and Ray Benson produced the album.

Hal Ketchum and wife Gina welcomed their third daughter and named her Sophia Grace 2004.

-18-

Slim Newman, of "The Georgia Crackers" born Cochran, GA 1910.

Dick Foran, singer/actor, born 1910.

A.P. Carter, age 23, married Sara Dougherty, age 16, in 1915. Both were elected to the CMHF, along with Maybelle, in 1970.

Zeke Turner of "Zeb and Zeke Turner" born Lynchburg, VA 1923.

Bill Morrison, TNT Recording artist, born Mattoon, IL 1940. Inducted Rockabilly Hall of Fame 7/1/2003.

Hank Williams made his second appearance on the Grand Ole Opry, this time on the NBC network portion of the show, in 1949.

Marty Haggard, singer/guitarist, son of Merle Haggard, born Bakersfield, CA 1958.

Marty Robbins released "The Last Time I Saw My Heart/She Was Only Seventeen" 1958.

Eddy Arnold's single "The Last Word In Lonesome Is Me" debuted on the charts 1966.

Henry Maddox, age 46, of "Maddox Brothers & Rose" died 1974.

Paul Howard, age 75, died Little Rock, AR 1984. Member Grand Ole Opry.

Cecil Campbell steel guitar/banjo died 1989.

Davis Daniel released his third album "I Know a Place" on A&M Records 1996.

RCA released "The Essential Chet Atkins" 1996.

The L.A. Times reported, the following country music stars, were honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 1998: Reba McEntire, Charlie Pride, Freddy Fender, Alabama and Patsy Cline.

Exile released their album "All the No. 1 Hits" 2002.

Lonestar debuted on daytime TV as they made a guest appearance on Days Of Our Lives 2004.

Ray Charles, buried in Inglewood Park cemetery in California 2004.




 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Rissi Palmer makes Opry debut June 22

 
Friday, June 15, 2007 – Rissi Palmer will make her Grand Ole Opry debut June 22. Palmer will perform her own rendition of the Patsy Cline classic "Leavin' On Your Mind" as well as her new single, "Country Girl" that was released to radio on June 4.

"Words cannot even express how deeply honored and humbled I am by this opportunity," says Palmer. "In fact, when I first heard the news, I burst into tears of joy!"

The single will be included on her self-titled CD released on 1720 Entertainment slated for release this fall. The video for the song is now airing on both CMT and GAC.


Country Music Hall of Fame offers 2008 calendar

 
Thursday, June 14, 2007 – With the current year not even half over, the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum has released its official calendar for 2008. The calendar features 12 colorful portraits of many of country music's most popular artists: Big & Rich, Brooks & Dunn, Kenny Chesney, Faith Hill, Alan Jackson, Toby Keith, Martina McBride, Tim McGraw, Brad Paisley, George Strait, Keith Urban and Gretchen Wilson.

The wall calendar also includes dozens of archival photos from the Museum's collection, and country music facts for every day of the year. The calendar is published by Universe Publishing, retails for $13.99 and is available at the Museum and other retail outlets nationwide

Sammy Kershaw runs for political office

 Thursday, June 14, 2007 – Sammy Kershaw announced Wednesday he will run for lieutenant governor of his home state of Louisiana. Kershaw, who has enjoyed a successful singing career, is trying to unseat incumbent Democrat Mitch Landrieu of the well-known political family.

Kershaw, who is married to singer Lorrie Morgan, lives part-time in Nashville. Kershaw's hits include "She Don't Know She's Beautiful," "Third Rate Romance" and "Queen of My Double Wide Trailer."  

Porter Wagoner hits David Letterman show in July

Thursday, June 14, 2007 – Porter Wagoner is set to perform on the Late Show with David Letterman Wednesday, July 25, one night after opening for the White Stripes at Madison Square Garden. Wagoner, who just released his first album of new music in six years, will perform with Marty Stuart and his Fabulous Superlatives.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Apple-Apricot Chops
Crockpot Recipe

Apple Apricot Chops
2 pounds pork chops
1 cup chopped apple
1 cup chopped dried apricot
1/2 cup fresh or dried cranberries, optional
1 medium onion, chopped
2 ribs celery, sliced in 1/2 inch pieces
1/2 cup apple juice
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup dry sherry or wine, or more apple juice
salt and pepper to taste
1 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch mixed with 2 tablespoons cold water
Combine all ingredients; cover and cook 7 to 9 hours on low. 30 minutes
before serving, pour liquid into a separate container to skim off excess
fat. Stir in cornstarch mixture and return broth to crockpot. Continue
cooking on low until smooth and thickened. Serves 4 to 6.


Black Forest Coffee Cake

Ingredients:
3 eggs
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup liquid shortening
1 1/2 cups milk
2 tbls vanilla
3 cups flour
2 tsps baking powder
1 cup chocolate chips
1 can cherry pie filling

Beat eggs, add sugar, shortening, milk & vanilla. Then add flour & baking
powder. When well mixed add chocolate chips. Pour into a large greased baking
pan. Drop cherry pie fill by the tsp. in even rows into the batter.

Topping:
1 cup Bisquick
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter or oleo
1/2 cup chocolate chips for garnish


Blend with a pastry blender to form loose crumbs. Sprinkle over top of cake and
garnish with chocolate chips. Bake at 375° for 50 min. to 1 hour until golden
brown.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

I recently read that Napoleon was really not short, as is commonly believed. Is this true? How tall was he really?

Here's how the tall tale of Napoleon's short stature got started...

After the famous general and emperor died in 1821, his body was autopsied in France, and his height was noted as 5 foot 2 inches. This measurement was in French feet (pieds de roi) and was never correctly converted to standard English measure. In English feet, Napoleon stood 5 foot 6.5 inches tall. So the poor guy was shorted a full 4.5 inches in height.

In his day, 5'6.5" was a perfectly respectable, nothing-to-be- ashamed-of height for a man. In fact, Napoleon was actually slightly taller than the average Frenchman of 1800.

So the diminutive size the emperor is so noted for was, in fact, a mere miscalculation. And as one observer points out, "It is also probable that the men of his Imperial Guard, with whom he 'hung out,' were very tall, creating the illusion that Napoleon was short."



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
"I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always
15 years older than I am." ~ Bernard M. Baruch


LAST CALL Y'ALL
OSLO, Norway - It's annoying to be awakened in the middle of the night. It's especially annoying to be woken up by a Norwegian military tank crashing into your house. Odin Viken said he felt what he thought was an earthquake, but in actuality was a tank smashing into his home. No one was injured, but Viken was quite shaken up.

The tank vehicle was part of NATO exercises which involved 15 other nations. This accident was not the only one committed by the tank drivers. Apparently, last week, a 40-ton Leopard tank flattened a Mercedes-Benz while practicing maneuvers. You better keep practicing, boys.




HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
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