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| << June19, 2007 - The Daily Funnies |
June21, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
 From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.  Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers WEDNESDAY JUNE 20,2007
After robbing a
bank, the blonde rushed home and began sawing off the Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters and people
working in the outdoors to
take extra precautions and be on the alert while
in the Dillon, Breckenridge
and Keystone area.
They advise people to wear noise producing
devices
such as little bells on their clothing so bears
will know you're approaching
because it's not good to startle a
bear.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in
case of an encounter with a
bear. It's also good to watch for bear
activity.
People should be able to recognize the
difference
between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are
smaller and contain berry seeds and maybe
squirrel hair. Grizzly bear
droppings have little bells in them and smell
like pepper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of my father's prize rabbits got loose and jumped into a full oil pan that Dad had used to drain his truck. When he found the rabbit, Dad took it into the basement to give it a bath. Dad knew that his brother, Randy, was due for a visit any moment, and feeling a bit sheepish about the incident, he asked Mom not to tell Randy what had happened. When my uncle arrived and asked where Dad was, Mom replied, "He's downstairs washing his hare." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A husband and wife drew their boat abreast of my husband's and asked Donny what he was using as bait to have caught so many fish. Donny gave the man some tips and let him have one of his flies. Within minutes the man's rod bent: He had hooked a fish. He got very excited and started to reel it in, but the fish fought back. Just as it jumped one last time, the man pulled hard on his rod. The fish flew through the air and landed squarely on his wife's chest. She screamed, jumped up and capsized their small boat. Donny grabbed the boat and the woman, and towed them to shore. He couldn't figure out why the going was so tough...until he realized he was towing the boat's anchor as well. Once safely on shore, Donny looked around for the husband. He spotted him not too far away. He had swum to shore, holding tight to his rod...the fish still attached. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "I bought this computer from you two hours ago, and it doesn't work! I want my money back!" Store Clerk: "Let me see..." So I plugged the computer in and turned it on. I showed him that it was working, then I turned it off. Store Clerk: "Sir, this computer does work. I'm afraid we can't take it back." Customer: "How in the world did you turn it on?" Store Clerk: "I pressed the power switch." Customer: "You must have pressed something else, because I know for a fact that the power switch doesn't work!" He reached over and pressed the reset button repeatedly. Customer: "You see?" Store Clerk: "Sir, that's the reset button. This is the power switch." Customer: "That's a switch? I thought it was a decoration!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Don was in first grade he suddenly refused to wear his new pants to school. When his mother asked him why he wouldn't wear his nice pants, he said, "My teacher is going to smear paste all over them." His mother could not convince him that his teacher would do no such thing. But Don insisted his teacher had told him that more than once. Don's mother finally went to school to ask the teacher what was going on. They both had a good laugh. Don had been getting out of his seat and wandering around the classroom. The teacher had told Don, "If you get out of your seat one more time, I am going to glue you to the chair!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night? An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
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Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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**** It's TUESDAY and another edition
of Grins, Giggles and Groaners ... a collection of humor sent your way just for
the fun of it. It is our aim, to bring a bit of laughter to your day and
as Mark Twain once said
“The human race has only one
really
effective weapon, and that is
Laughter" . . . . .
.
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We begin with classic from
the archives . . . .
"Bird
Gun?"
NASA had been troubled by all the
recent stories of birds getting
sucked into airplane engines and
causing major damage and/or
crashes.
Since space shuttles have no
forward-facing engines, NASA fretted
over the possibility of running
head-on into a flock of geese and
smashing the windshields of their
shuttles. They
decided to
create a gun which would propel
dead birds at speeds in excess of
1000 miles per hour into test
windshields, to make sure their
astronauts were safe when
jettisoning into space.
A month after the creation of the
gun, and tens of thousands of
dead geese later, they were
satisfied with the strength of the
windshields. The
British soon learned of the experiments,
and
asked to borrow the
gun.
The
U.S. obliged. About two days later, they received
the
following message from the
British: Used
chickens instead of
geese, chickens being OUR main
concern. On
every attempt, the
chicken smashes our highest
quality glass, busts through it,
smashes our speed detecting
equpiment, busts through THAT,
smashes the adjoining wall,
destroys THAT, and takes out the
building right next to
us. What
is going on?????
NASA sent a three-word
reply:
Thaw the
chicken.
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Strange News O' the
Day
Harry the toupee stealing hawk
retires
Harry the Hawk, a popular performer from Thorp Perrow Arboretum, in Yorkshire, will not being doing any more live displays. Tom Graham, who owns Harry, cited a string of incidents that culminated in Harry stealing, and attempting to eat, an audience member's toupee. The toupee debacle was the result of a "bunny dummy" stunt, in which a piece of brown fur is thrown into the audience for the hawk to retrieve. Harry landed on a man in the audience, then took off with the man's toupee clutched in his talons. ???By the time we got the toup?©e off Harry, it had a bald patch. The crowd thought it was part of the act but the owner was a bit disgruntled,??? Graham said. Previously, Harry had punctured a bouncy castle, and walked through an ice cream vendor's stock. "He just became too mischievous and was doing his own thing," Graham explained. "He was losing his fear of people. But he has been a brilliant bird over the years. He is certainly a character." Harry will now be retired to the Arboretum's breeding program, after 15 years in the spotlight. One presumes he will enjoy his new career. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
CIRCUMCISED
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And whispered
that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher
told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother
and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I
thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told
me that if I could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school."
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"Teenagers and
Cats"
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers,
you
may want to know why they really have a lot in
common
with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when
you
call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not
enough.
Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate
to
compensate for the privilege of waiting on them
hand
and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house
with
an adult human being, and it can be safely said that
no
teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen
in
public with his or her
parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither
your
cat nor you teen will ever crack a
smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in
music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa
for hours
on end without moving, barely
breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they
did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same
manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense
of
complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's
furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have
been
known to return in the middle of the night to deposit
a
dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that
sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers,
the
best sources of advice are not other parents,
but
veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a
guidebook
on cats at hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do
not
make any sudden moves in their
direction.
When they make up their minds, they will finally come to
you
for some affection and comfort, and it will be a
triumphant
moment for all concerned.
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IDIOT
SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the
local township administrative
office
to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A
young man is reported to have approached the
renowned
composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great
musical
prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I
have
the
ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can
advise
me how to get
started."
Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait
until
you
are older and more experienced, and try your hand at
less
ambitious pieces to begin
with."
The young man looked astonished.
"But, Herr Mozart, you your-
self
wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger
than
I."
"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so
without asking advice."
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As a trail guide in a national park, I ate with the
rest
of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where
the
food left something to be
desired. When we were finished
with our meals, we scraped the remains into a garbage
pail
and stacked our plates for the
dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first
week
on the job, was ahead of me in
line. As he slopped an
uneaten plate of food into the garbage, I heard him
mutter,
"Now STAY there this time."
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"As
a child I believed that when Columbus arrived in
North
America, the states' names were actually written on
the
continent, in gigantic letters, the way they are on
maps.
I
still think this would be a good idea, because if
an
airplane's navigational system failed, the pilot could
just
look
out the window and see exactly where the plane
was."
--
Dave Berry
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Things that make you go
Hmmm....
Why is it called lipstick if you
can still move your lips?
"Instructions For
Life"
Once a year, go someplace you've
never been before.
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Children were called upon a
classroom to make sentences
with
words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled
when
Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate
during
the
challenge of making a sentence with the words
"Defeat,"
"Defense," "Deduct," and
"Detail."
Jack
stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused
on
him
while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he
then
proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over
defense
before detail."
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Mrs.
Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to
be
excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment
and didn't want
her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running
its proper
course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and
quiet
calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate
to serve on the
jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder
trial! It's a simple
civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband
because
he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to
remodel the
kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll
serve. I guess I could
be
wrong about capital punishment after
all."
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Worried that his son was spending
too much money on dates, a
Father asked the boy how much his
last date had cost.
The son calculated a minute then
replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I
think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm
proud of you for finally coming up
with an inexpensive
evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went
on, "we'd have done more, but
that was all the money she
had."
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Stephen King's doing a sequel to "The Lawnmower
Man." It's called "Weedwacker
Woman."
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A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a
deep coma.
Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees
that she
is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor
about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a
girl. Your brother
came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's
an idiot!" She
asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's
name?"
"Denephew. "
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Things You May Hear Just Before
Unemployment
---------------------------------
I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going
to try!
We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The
truth is
I'm sick of you.
Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact,
you've been
responsible for more disasters than any one else in the
place.
Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're
fired!
I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry
about being
late for work ever again.
Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting
tomorrow?
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My
three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my
mother. A
rather
large woman, Mom sometimes has a
tough time finding just the right fit.
When my mother picked out a
yellow suit, my daughter went into the
dressing room with her. A
moment later Mom asked her how she liked
the
outfit.
My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana,
you look so pretty---just like a big
yellow school
bus."
The suit stayed in the dressing
room.
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Money can buy a house,but not a
home.
Money can buy a bed,but not
sleep.
Money can buy a clock,but not
time.
Money can buy a book,but not
knowledge.
Money can buy food,but not an
appetite.
Money can buy position, but not
respect.
Money can buy blood, but not
life.
Money can buy insurance, but not
safety.
You see, money is not
everything!
Therefore, if you have too much
money,
please send it to
me.
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Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers
to the
other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his
seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of
her
charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might
embarrass
easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting
you
here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you’re almost
a
stranger. My, but I’m
tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the
girl. He had never seen
her
before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary,
my
girl. It isn’t often I see you on
washday. No wonder
you’re
tired. Being pregnant isn’t easy. By the way, don’t deliver
the
wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District
Attorney’s
office to see whether or not
she can get your husband out of jail."
FRED Coming In On A Wing And |
