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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people WEDNESDAY JUNE 27,2007
As a
dental hygienist, I try to relieve my patients' anxiety by going Sign on a car from a large city:
"Happiness is five green lights in a row."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was leaving for a two-day conference,
and my seven-year-old
daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cunninghams were building a new house to accommodate their expanding family of five. Every night they would visit the new construction to check on the progress. One evening they saw that scaffolding had been erected around the perimeter of the house. Four-year-old Kayla was amazed. She whispered to her parents Anne and Rick, "Look at those monkey bars. They're bigger than the ones at school." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As my second grade class was sitting down to lunch, one boy announced he had no spoon for his pudding. Not wanting to leave the rest unattended, I gave him careful directions to the staff room, reminding him to be polite and to say please and thank you. As he was going out the door he said, “I don't understand it: How could Mom forget a spoon for my pudding? She didn't forget one for my macaroni.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "Thirty dollars, Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?" "Raise porcupines, Ma'am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During the recent blackout in New York City, my sister's phone at her ferry company office rang nonstop. Many callers asked if the service were still running. "How?" asked one. "There's a power failure in New York." "Don't worry," my sister replied. "Our ferry's plugged into the New Jersey side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our farm borders a main highway, and my husband and I wage a perpetual battle to keep our cows from heading for greener pastures across the road. One evening, as I slogged along the perimeter of our property looking for loose fencing, I saw a neighbor, also a farmer. His greeting sent me on my rounds with a lighter step. "I see," he said, "you're Secretary of DeFence tonight!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My wife works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base, and many of her co-workers complain about the superior attitude of the pilots. One day the fuel crew decided to put things in perspective for the proud pilots. They all came to work wearing shirts inscribed, "Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She said, "No," and slammed it down. "Who was that?" "Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter. Then it rang again. Nancy listened, said, "KitKat," and hung up. What now?" I asked. "A boy plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket." The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch. "But, Mom," our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my favorite candy." "I know," Nancy said. "It's mine." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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GRINS ... GIGGLES & GROANERS exists with one belief, that is
to spread laughter and joy to the world. We try to make a
little difference in everyone's day by bringing laughter and smiles to
you and the people around you. We also have a firm belief that ....
"LAUGHTER
IS CONTAGIOUS" ...
and everyone should be a
carrier!!!
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WE begin today's Edition with some "Weird State Laws" • We have no idea if
any of these are still on the books, but we do think you
will enjoy them ...... here goes:
1} It is illegal to wear a fake moustache to church in
Alabama!
2} In Pacific Grove, California ... you can't kill or even
threaten a Butterfly!
3} In New York City, it is against the law to throw a ball
at someone's head!
4} Believe it or not, in Florida, even if you own the
salon, you cannot fall asleep under the hair drier!
5} In Atlanta, Georgia, it is a law that you cannot tie a
Giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp!!
6} If you live in North Dakota, you cannot fall asleep with
your shoes on!!
7} Meanwhile in Kansas, it is against the law to shoot a
rabbit from under a parked car!!
8} In California, sunshine is guaranteed to the
masses!!
9} Wisconsin has a law that stipulates butter subtitutes
cannot be served to prison inmates!!
10} In Minnesota and Wisconsin, you cannot cross between
these states while wearing a chicken on your head!!
11} In Massachusettes, you are not permitted to have a
Gorilla in the back seat of your car!!
12} If you are planning on committing a crime in Texas, it
is the law that you must give your victim a 24 hour
warning!!
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Hi Tech Tales . . .
.
Actual telephone conversations
of people asking for help with their computers . . . .
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white
one... ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get
my diskette out. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on
to the left of the screen. Tech support: ;Good day. How may I help
you? Customer: I have problems printing in
red... Tech support: What's on your monitor now,
ma'am? Customer: My keyboard is not working
anymore. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ Customer: can't get on the
Internet. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
problem with her printer.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>How Old is
Grandma?
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. He asked what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The grandma replied, & I quote; Well, let me think a minute . I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, well the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon. Your granddad and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. And they went hunting and fishing together. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors. We were before gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's , and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap; how old do YOU think I am - ???? Grandma would be only 65 years old in 2007 <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Ponderings for 2007 Number 10 Life is sexually
transmitted. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
ZEN
SARCASM <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>MEDICAL INSURANCE
EXPLAINED
Q . What does HMO stand
for?
A. This is actually a variation
of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the
Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in
his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye
.
Q . I just joined an HMO. How
difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A. Just slightly more difficult
than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing
all the doctors in the plan . The doctors basically fall into two categories:
those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but
are no longer participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country
.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures
require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you
need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my
preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they
don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try
alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find
alternative forms of payment .
Q . My pharmacy plan only covers
generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it
gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the
eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and
I get sick ?
A . You really shouldn't do
that.
Q. I think I need to see a
specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general
practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office
?
A. Hard to say, but considering
that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a
shot .
Q. Will health care be different
in the next decade ?
A. No, but if you call right now,
you might get an appointment by then .
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear
Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand
my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because,
Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat
him to death!
Amen
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Have you heard about this court case?
In
Florida , an atheist became
incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover
holidays.
He
decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on
atheists
by
the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their
holidays
while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a wise
judge.
After listening to the long passionate presentation
by the lawyer,
the
Judge banged his gavel and declared
"Case Dismissed."
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the
ruling and said,
"Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this
case?
Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other
observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kppur and Hanukkah......
yet
my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The
judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said
"Obviously your client is too confused to even
know about, much less celebrate,
his
own atheists holiday!"
The
lawyer pompously said,
"Your Honor, we are unaware of any
such holiday for atheists.
Just when might that holiday be, your
Honor?"
The judge said, "Well it comes every year on
exactly the same date.....
April 1st!
Since our calendar sets April 1st as April Fools
Day,
consider that Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53
states,
"The fool says in his heart, there is no
God",
thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no
God,
then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st
is his holiday!"
Pray that some day our courts will be full of these kinds
of judges.....
maybe then , we can put God back where He
belongs.........in everything we do.....
Way to go, Judge!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Received from:
Lorraine
BENEFITS OF LAUGHTER: According to researchers, laughter could be just what the
doctor ordered when it comes to coping with life's stresses. It's been proven
that laughter: A) Relaxes muscles B) Lowers blood pressure C) Eases mental tension D) Reduces levels of hormones that trigger the stress
responses and suppress immunity E) Releases endorphins, the same stress-reducers
triggered by exercise F) Laughter is beneficial for improving one's perspective
on life (Detroit News and Free Press) <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The small boy sat at the foot of the telegraph pole, with
a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and
then at the can, much perplexed.
"Caterpillars!" the small boy exclaimed.
"What are you doing with them," asked the old
gentleman?
"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy
explained.
"Yes?"
"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this
bunch by lettin' 'em climb the telegraph pole."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the
sermon, in which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could
not go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem to
the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:
"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the
strings for their harps?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to
tell you how much I benefited from your treatment. The doctor replied; but you
are not one of my patients. The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I
am his heir.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>I had purchased a
talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music
teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag
onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched
the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the
six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers,
sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son
cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll
show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how
it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of
relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son
whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two...
one...?'" <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Did you see that?
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy
says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you
see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on
that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see
that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says,
"Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in
it?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
This endeth todays "G"G"G" --- A few today came from the archives,
and we hope
you
got a few chuckles or a hearty laugh!
See
you next
time!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FRED ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** ON THIS DAY **** I am a mother of three
(ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last
class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called, "Smile." The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally. Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The six-year-old youngster had his hand in the cookie jar when his mother happened to walk into the kitchen. "What did I tell you I would do if I caught you in the cookie jar?" she scolded. "It's funny that you forgot, mommy," he replied, "Cause I can't remember either." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A proud father phoned the newspaper and reported the birth of triplets. The girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message. "Will you repeat that?" she asked. "Not if I can help it," he replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@joink.com subject Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR! In God I trust. All others we polygraph *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas on the web and from my readers. All
are believed to be public
domain . If you hold copyright on
any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit,
or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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