My brother's cat loved to sleep on top of his out door natural
gas cooker, being black in color it absorbed the suns rays
for warmth. Anyway this thing had a electronic starter
(just push a button) my nephew had a bad habit of turning the gas on
ever so slightly. My brother never bothered to open the cover before
igniting the burners, so help me it sounded like a sonic boom, shot the
cover with the cat hanging on for dear life some 10 feet in the air, I
don't know how it happened, but on the way down the whole thing flipped
over pinning the cat under the cover on the ground. As you can imagine
there was major turmoil, the wives and kids worrying about the cat
wanting me to pull the cover off of it, thinking it was dead, hell I
could hear that it was very much alive and would do major harm to anyone
stupid enough to pull the cover off. If I'm not mistaken, the cats name
was Lucky.

Telephone John
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shoulda kept it
When cars first came to Tennessee, the city of Memphis passed a statute that a woman could drive only if a man walked in front of the car and waved a red flag to warn pedestrians of approaching danger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Asking the boss
Trying to find rental accommodations that allowed pets was proving to be difficult. I phoned in response to an advertised apartment and asked if pets were allowed. "No," the man replied. "Well, what kind of pet?" he added. Thinking I had a chance, I quickly explained that I had an older cat that was neutered and declawed.

The man covered the phone and thinking I couldn't hear, said to his wife: "Would we allow a cat? It's almost dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had worked late, and my labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks. I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it. One day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed: "Lorraine! What happened?"

"The dog did it," I wearily replied.

A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Oh, a boxer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On his fiftieth wedding anniversary, Henry Ford, the founder of the Ford Motor Company, was asked by a reporter, "How do you account for your long and happy marriage?" The famous automaker did not hesitate for a moment before he replied, "By sticking to one model!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congress after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreeements.    

Hmmm....no more beating around the Bush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doors on my aging Chevrolet had frozen shut. When repeated hip and body checks wouldn't budge them, I hit on the idea of stringing extension cords together and using my hair dryer to warm the doorjamb.

While I was trying this method, a young woman came around the corner, two toddlers in tow on a sled. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her stop to watch, and I looked up. "Don't mind me," she called out. "I'm impressed. Since the twins were born, I can't even find time to blow-dry my hair!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new high tech car is going to be unveiled at the Geneva Motor Show next month that can sense a driver's mood and mental state to improve safety.

Do we need that?

We don't need a car that can sense our mood. We need a car that can sense other driver's moods and mental states.

Wouldn't it be nice to know that the psycho in front of you is packing heat?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be Careful, Guys!

German police are warning that pickpockets are stooping to new lows by robbing people while they are on the toilet.

In the latest case the thief struck as a man was using a public restroom in a shopping mall.

The thief, in this case believed to be a woman, slipped her hand under the wall of the cubicle and removed the wallet from the man's trousers, which were around his ankles.

The man, who lost about $ 50 in the robbery, said he was unable to race after the pickpocket immediately "given the situation" and the fact his trousers were around his ankles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another George joke
In a new book just coming out, a top presidential historian ranks President Harding as the dumbest president of all time.

After hearing this President Bush said, 'Tonya Harding was president?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Less than a year after my wife's funeral I was confronted with the most terrible realities of being a widower with five children. Notes from school, field-trip permission slips, PTA election ballots, Troll Book order forms, sports sign-ups, medical forms and innumerable academic progress reports - an onslaught of paperwork courtesy of the educational bureaucracy.

One day, eight-year-old Rachel was helping me complete five (count'em five) emergency treatment forms for school. She would fill in the genetic information (name, address, phone number), and I would add the rest (insurance numbers, doctor's name, date, signature). After signing the forms, I checked them for accuracy. It was then that I noticed on each card, in the slot beside Mother's Business Phone, Rachel had written "1-800-HEAVEN".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One patient in our Extended Care Unit asked every nurse the same question: "Where am I?" The answer was always, "You're at Rosemont Hill."

One day a particularly harried nurse was stopped. "Where am I?" asked the elderly patient. Exasperated, my colleague answered, "In heaven!"

Without blinking an eye, the patient answered: "Oh, thank God! I thought I was still at Rosemont Hill!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over-charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

         "Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read"

"I have circled this block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned 2 hours later, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note:

"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll
lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Newlywed Poem

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard. . .
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
And was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him. . .
Like his mother used to do!

~author unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groaner
Two cadets at an Arizona Air force academy were bragging in their off
time about what good hunters they were.

Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest, and whoever won the
contest would be accounted the better hunter. To make the things a
little more interesting, they each put up a pint of the best whiskey
they could find.

There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local zoo and was
roaming around loose in the desert that surrounded the academy. The
contest was that whoever bagged the lion and brought it back to base was
the winner.

The first cadet borrowed a large hunting rifle and set about hunting
down the lion in the conventional manner.

The second cadet, who was perhaps a bit more inventive than his
counterpart, secured a training jet from the local commander, loaded the
wing guns with live ammunition and headed out over the dessert in search
of the lion.

It wasn't long before he spotted it, and, from the safety of the plane,
killed it. He took the plane down, loaded the lion's body into the
copilot's seat, and headed back to base, where he promptly downed both
bottles.

Which just goes to show that a strafed lion is the shortest distance
between two pints.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to
get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and
says, "I'll be home in an hour."
        "Perfect," she replies.
        The man thinks her agreement is great, because the Doctor told
him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife! She calls
him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible! I won't be there
for about an hour and a half."
        The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I
do?" he asks.
        The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you
have a housekeeper around?"
        "Yes," the man replied.
        "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the
Doctor.
        The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with
the housekeeper..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NORM
 

**** Reader's Submissions ****
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

The last "Hump Day" in June ... and just 4 days until we begin the 2nd half of 2007! Time sure does fly when you're having fun. GGG's are sent your way ... "Just for the fun of it....." because we firmly believe that laughter is contagious .... and we think everyone should be

a carrier. Today's edition has a few classics which are always good for another read!

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Our good friend in New Mexico sent this one on those BURMA SHAVE SIGNS, most of us grew up with.

obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW

OUT SO FAR

IT MAY GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR.

BURMA SHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER

ALL OVER THE MAP

'CAUSE NOBODY SITS

IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP

Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE

Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

< /SPAN>Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING

Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING, NURSE

Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER

TO HER RECKLESS DEAR

LET'S HAVE LESS BULL

AND A LITTLE MORE STEER

Bu rma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT

TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT

Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER

HEMISPHERE

Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN'T IT?

Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU

Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES

A CAR WIDE OPEN

IS NOT THINKIN'

HE'S JUST HOPIN'

Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY

Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT'S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER'S CODE

Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING

Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH

DRIVER IN TREE

THE MOON WAS FULL

AND SO WAS HE.

Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW

Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child.

If they do - then you're old as dirt... LIKE ME!

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(Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and

after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless

I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing

when I want with my old buddies, and don't you

give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex

here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no

good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and

decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his

wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,

shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife

to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece

of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it

was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he

noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

THE SILENT TREATMENT

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Received from: laurie

Common Forms of Office Illness

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.

3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

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A Few One Liners .....

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

If God had really intended people to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 a.m. to mow the yard?

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Keep your temper, no one else wants it.

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Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day.

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Kentucky Ten Commandments

Some people in Kentucky have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in Southeastern Kentucky got together and translated the "King James" into "Harlan County" language.... no joke, read on...

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Harlan, Ky.)

(1) Just one God

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa

(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'

(5) Put nothin' before God

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal

(7) No killin'

(8) Watch yer mouth

(9) Don't take what ain't yers

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Computers giveth and computers taketh away. Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy, decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"

The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping, and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down. Have a nice day."

When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained. - Edward R. Murrow

A three-year-old gained an interesting perspective on birth. His mother was pregnant and so was the family dog. So the father thought it would be a good time to explain where babies come from. The boy stood wide-eyed and watched the birth of the puppies. Months later, on the day of delivery, the child went to the hospital to visit his mother. As he looked at the row of babies through the nursery window, he asked, "Are these all ours

Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home entertainment

system,' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly

egg.

He still has some work to do. A sign he put up in the dairy section

advertised "Boneless Chicken."