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Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

MONDAY JULY  2,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
Oh well, It could be worse. I could be a blonde

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young
man in a three-piece suit.

"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence.

"My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall cut
the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let
this other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment.

"Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he
proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. . .

"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for some
time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff.". . . . . . . She votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end
the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." . . . . . . He also votes!

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got
on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." . . . . .
. She also votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through
a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . . . . . .
My sister also votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . . . He also
votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head
is turned. ........My friend also votes!

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place
last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better.
The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was
more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and
asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price
on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to
the turkey." . . . The clerk also votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet?". . . . . . She also votes!
WELL....HERE'S YOUR SIGN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and
states,

"I have some really fantastic news for all of you, and some very
terrible news."

Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the 'fantastic' news first, so
the Pope tells them,

"Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at
hand, and our faith in His existence is justified."

After the commotion and excitement dies down a bit, one of the cardinals
speaks up, asking what the terrible news is.

The Pope replies. . . .

"He was calling from Salt Lake City."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BLONDIES
Table of Equivalents


     1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
       2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
       3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
       4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement=
       1 bananosecond
       5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
       6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour
       = Knotfurlong
       7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
       8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
       9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
       10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
       11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
       12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
       13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
       14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
       15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
       16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
       17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
       18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
       19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
       20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
       21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
       22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
       23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
       24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
       25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
       26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
       27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
       28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Columbus was the world's most impressive salesman. He started out not knowing where he was going. When he got there, he didn't know where it was, so when he got back, he couldn't say where he had been. And he did it all on a big cash advance, and got a repeat order.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl. When they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Any more questions?
My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground.

I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

A supervisor happened to drop in and heard the conversation between the dispatcher and the mechanic. He got on the radio to ask the mechanic on the other end why they need another helicopter.

The obviously harried mechanic paused before transmitting his reply, then said vaguely, "Well, the one we have won't fly."

The frustrated supervisor pressed the question, "Why won't it fly."

After a long pause came another reluctant response, "Well, I say it won't fly because it's upside down. The pilot says it won't fly because it's under twenty feet of water."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How about stupid questions?   
A teacher was narrating: I come from a family of teachers, and so "there is no such thing as a stupid question" was part of my cultural heritage. I used to believe it, too, until once when I got an email message from a stranger. This is the complete message:

"Help! I can send an email, but I can't receive it! What do I do??"

I have decided that there is, in fact, at least one stupid question
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning, a three-year-old boy asked his mother, "Mommy, how can I make this new toy helicopter fly?" "You will have to use your imagination," she replied. "Do you know what the word 'imagination' means?" "Yes Mommy," he answered immediately. "It means no batteries."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cooking 101
A woman came into my pharmacy with a shopping list. As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, I inquired what size of each she wanted. Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

I was surprised when, in response to my usual question, "What size?" she said, "What size would you suggest? I'm only having four for dinner."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No Respect
A woman was out to a fancy restaurant with her husband one night. The waiter came over to their table, and asked what she wanted.

"I'll have the roast beef... and be sure to bring me some catsup."

"Very good, ma'am... and what would you like with it?" replied the waiter.

"I'll take a baked potato -- not too large -- and be sure to bring me some sour cream to eat on it."

"Yes'm," he replied. "What about the vegetable?"

"Oh, bring him the seafood dinner... shrimp, scallops, clams, he will eat all seafood except for oysters!!"

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**** ON THIS DAY ****

Before getting married, my fianc?e thought it would be a good idea for me to get to know her young nephew Dylan.

Wanting to make a good first impression, I selected one of my favorite sports to bond with him - fishing! I told seven-year-old Dylan that I would share my secrets to fishing success with him during the special outing. Having never fished before, he was excited, to say the least.

I prepared all of the tackle, purchased the worms, packed the snacks and headed out to pick him up just after sunrise. Having stayed out late the night before, I decided to purchase an extra large coffee for the trip. This was not a good idea. I had to urinate several times and repeatedly went downstream to do so behind a tree. To save face, I told Dylan that I was just walking up and down the creek to scout out the "hot spots" for fish.

We had a wonderful time. Dylan learned how to put on a worm, tie a knot and cast, as well as practice the rules of fishing etiquette. And besides the many laughs and silly moments we shared, we also caught lots and lots of fish!

Upon returning home, my future sister-in-law asked an excited Dylan to share his Uncle Ryan's best "fishing secret" with her. I wondered if he would tell her about the special casting or baiting techniques I taught him, or possibly the time-of-day rules, or one of my many other secrets.

To my surprise and embarrassment, Dylan replied, "That's easy. If you want to catch fish, you have to pee on them first!"



Sarah Kay was studying the origins of foods in kindergarten. One day, she and her mother were walking through the grocery store discussing what ingredients went into various products. Sarah Kay said, "Pork comes from pigs and beef comes from cows." Then she asked, "How DO they get the pork from the pig, Mommy?" Her mother felt that the truth was the only way to go, so she explained that they kill the animal to eat its meat. Horrified, Sarah Kay went past shelves staring at the meat and saying, "They KILLED a cow to get THIS?" She could not believe it, and her little heart was broken.

Then, they went to the bakery where Sarah Kay began to check out the various donuts and goodies. She noticed a beautiful white cake and asked, "Mommy, what is this cake called?" Her mother replied, "It's an angelfood cake, honey." Immediately Sarah Kay's eyes filled with big tears and she wailed, "You mean they KILLED an ANGEL to make this?"


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a

personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.

-1-

John Lee Lair, entertainer, and founder of the Renfro Valley Barn Dance, born Renfro

Valley,KY 1894.

Charles Everett Lilly, of "The Lilly Brothers" born Clear Creek, WV 1924.

Eddie Bond, Country/Rockabilly/Gospel singer born Memphis, TN 1933.

Hank Snow's theme song, "I'm Movin' On," released 1950.

Keith Whitley born Sandy Hook, KY 1955.

Johnny Cash recorded "Give My Love To Rose" & "Home of the Blues" 1957.

Michelle Wright born Chatham, Ontario, Canada, 1961.

Capitol Records released Buck Owens' album "Sweet Rosie Jones" 1968.

Tommy Leffew, age 66, of the "Fruit Jar Drinkers" died 1971.

Alabama performed their first paid concert at Canyonland Park, AL 1972.

Hank Williams Jr. married Mary Jane Thomas in Montana, 1990.

Kenny Chesney released his first country album, "All I Need To Know" 1995.

Jay Lee Webb, Loretta Lynn's brother, died 1996.

Lynn Anderson's album "Golden Classics Edition" was released 1997.

RCA released Sara Evans' album "Three Chords and the Truth" 1997.

Collectables released Mac Davis' 2-album set "Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me/Stop & Smell The Roses" 1997.

June Carter Cash played the Bottom Line, in New York City 1999.

Bill Morrison, TNT Records, inducted into the Rockabilly Hall of Fame 2003.

-2-

Ken Curtis born "Curtis Wain Gates," Las Amimar, CA 1916. Ken was a member of the "Sons of the Pioneers," and played "Festus Hagan," on "Gunsmoke."

Fred Maddox, of "Maddox Brothers & Rose" born Boaz, AL 1919.

Curly Holt of the "Jordanaires," born McAlester, OK 1925.

Marvin Rainwater born Wichita, KS 1925.

Paul Warmack, age 64, "Gully Jumpers," died 1954.

Elvis Presley recorded "Hound Dog/Don't Be Cruel" 1956.

Jim Reeves recorded his last session for RCA 1964.

Don Ellis born 1967.

DeFord Bailey, age 81, pioneer member Grand Ole Opry, died in 1982.

Ralph Rinzler, age 59, "The Greenbriar Boys," died 1994.

Raven Records released John Hartford's album "Natural To Be Gone" 2002.

Raven Records released Glen Campbell's 2-CD set "Rhinestone Cowboy/Bloodline" 2002.

Kenny Rogers made his debut appearance at the Hollywood Bowl 2003.

Jim Colton, age 56, producer, died 2003.

Marty Stuart pled guilty to a DUI charge in a Sumner County, Tennessee court 2004. Stuart served two days of a one year sentence in jail. The remainder of the jail sentence was suspended. In addition, he was fined $350.00.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Sara Evans releases new single

Sunday, July 1, 2007 – Sara Evans just released a new single, "As If." The song is the first single from her upcoming "Greatest Hits" set due out this fall on SonyBMG.

Evans also shot a video for the song. There was no exact release date for the album.

The singer has been embroiled in heated divorce proceedings with her husband Craig Schelske.

 

CMA Music Fest brings $21 million to Nashville

Sunday, July 1, 2007 – A record breaking attendance dumped $21 million on Nashville during the 2007 CMA Music Festival last month, according to the Country Music Association. Since moving the Festival downtown, visitor spending has increased from $15.5 million in 2001 to the current $21 million.

"This year's Festival was a great success, not only for Nashville's music industry but for the entire city," said Butch Spyridon, president, Nashville Convention & Visitors Bureau. "The CMA Music Festival is one of the country's premiere music events and Nashville is fortunate to be the host city."

The CMA will donate half of the event proceeds to "Keep the Music Playing" a program that supports music education and children in Nashville's schools.

"CMA Music Festival is a showcase for Nashville that drives tourism, generates a strong base of local revenue, and contributes needed funds for music education in our public schools," said Tammy Genovese, CMA Chief Operating Officer. "This is Nashville's signature musical event, and our success and continued growth would not be possible without the support of Mayor Bill Purcell and the city, Metro Council, Butch Spyridon and the NCVB, the Nashville Chamber of Commerce, the business community and local residents. What makes this event special is that everyone benefits as CMA Music Festival continues to achieve new heights generating additional income for the community and money for music education."

A two-hour television special "CMA Music Festival: Country's Night to Rock," about this year's fest, is set to air on ABC Monday, July 23 at 8 p.m. CST.

Tickets for the 2008 Music Fest are on sale now through www.ticketmaster.com or by calling 1-800-CMA-FEST. The event will be held June 5-8 in Downtown Nashville.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

     Apple Peach Smoothie

1-fresh peach
1/3cup non fat milk
1/4cup frozen apple juice concentrate
Method :
Peel 1 fresh peach. Cut it into thin slices. Put into a plastic bag with a zipper bag, laying flat. Put the plastic bag into the freezer for 1 to 2 hours. Take out 1/4 of the peaches and break them into pieces. Mix in a blender with 1/3 cup of milk and 1/4 cup of frozen apple juice concentrate. Cover and blend until smooth. pour into a glass, and add more peach slices.



**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

When were credit cards invented and first used?

While we suspected that credit cards were first invented in the mid-1980s to exploit the growing number of late-night infomercials and our own unquenchable thirst for instant gratification, it turns out that the practice of splashing plastic was pioneered a good deal earlier.
Credit cards as we know them, good at multiple businesses, were first thrown down in 1951. That's when 200 brave, pre-approved souls were able to present their Diners Club cards at 27 different New York City restaurants and leave with the same amount of cash they walked in with.

According to credit card lore, in 1949, Frank McNamara went to dinner at Major's Cabin Grill and forgot his wallet. After talking his way out of doing the dishes to cover his tab, McNamara thought, "Never again!" In February of 1950, he and a partner founded Diners Club and returned to Major's with a small cardboard card. Frank signed for dinner, without a hassle, and the event was eventually dubbed "the First Supper." Credit cards added the now ubiquitous magnetic stripe in the 1970s and that the rise of plastic ended the production of all banknotes larger than $100.


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Indecision is the key to flexibility

LAST CALL Y'ALL
A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty
so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by
the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the
visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied:

    "Ummm, he's not *really* that friendly. That's his bowl you're
using"


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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PLEASE
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