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Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

TUESDAY JUNE  3,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: HAPPY BIRTHDAY USA
http://www.pianoladynancy.com/4th_of_July.htm

The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple: If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the accountant and the government gets your money...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old blacksmith realized he was going to have to quit working so hard.
So, he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the young apprentice. "Just
do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on
the anvil.

"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real
good and hard."

Nod. . . . . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack forced himself to open his eyes. The first thing he saw was a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red rose!

Jack then looks over, and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean
and pressed.

He notices that the entire room is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirin, and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. There's a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love
you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is
hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,
eating. Jack asks,

"Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M.., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh... THAT!...

Well, mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to undress you,
you screamed,

        "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very important. When you talk to our neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being a Southerner, a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book
about churches around the country. He started by flying to San
Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large
church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a
golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign
which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asked about
the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is,
in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk
directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones,
with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he
arrived in the lovely mountains of North Carolina. Upon entering a
church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the
sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a
direct line to Heaven and that could talk to God, but in the other
churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"

(I just love this part)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now,
and it's a local call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My aunt had assured her friend that her family of six would all eat spaghetti. While the hostess was out of the room, four-year- old Debbie brought her plate from the children's table and announced that she couldn't eat it. My aunt quickly split it between her husband and herself.

On their way home, Debbie explained why she hadn't eaten the spaghetti: The dog had been licking it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A novice to softball joined our league and was using an old worn out baseball glove. When his neighbor gave him a new one, he asked a veteran how to care for it.

At the next game, the rookie seemed glum and was back using the old glove. When we asked why, he produced what had been his new glove, now shrunken, wizened, destroyed. The veteran who'd told him how to care for it declared, "I can't believe this resulted from my advice to you to oil the glove!"

"Oil it?" echoed the rookie. "I thought you said 'Boil it.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His blonde wife
I had just got my driver's licence. We were going to go for a drive into the country, but first my husband, Henry, wanted to take a shower. To pass the time, I decided to go for a practice spin around the block. I got into the car, released the hand brake and backed down our sloping driveway into the street. There the car stopped, blocking traffic. When I couldn't get it to move, I jumped out in a panic and ran into the house for Henry. Pulling clothes over his dripping body, he dashed outside and moved the car. When he came in, I asked what the matter had been. "It would have been a good idea if you'd started it," he answered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a blonde teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced.

"The ice keeps melting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only place in the world,Where our president is known as "George."

"Today President Bush had a meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting had two translators, and they still had a rough time. Mainly trying to figure out the   translation for "okie dokie." --Conan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show and Tell: A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is this beautiful buffet, but you get just one trip through the line, and only one plate. Trust me, there's no room on my plate for tofu, soy burgers or rice cakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in my cardiologist's waiting room when a well-dressed man
approached the counter and said he was from a local funeral home.
He had stopped by to pick up a death certificate. The
receptionist found the document and handed it to the man.

He turned to leave, facing a waiting room filled with heart
patients. Before walking out the door, he waved cheerfully and
then called out, "See ya!"
~~~~~~~~~
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastor's son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell."
"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"
"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."
~~~~~~~~~
A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem
that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the
help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to
check for a computer virus.

"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.

"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The
Let's Just Be Friends virus?"
~~~~~~~~~
MAKES SENSE TO ME
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it
escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning,
I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a
spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire
department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said.

When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come
down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
~~~~~~~~~
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that
hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called
on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees
to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb,
cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being
shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout
when I yell at them."
~~~~~~~~~~
Duh
My husband and I were touring our friends' new home. Mr. and Mrs.
Harry Carter had put special touches everywhere. In the bathroom,
my husband leaned over to me and whispered,

"They even have monogrammed faucets."
~~~~~~~
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that
said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The difference between mass and weight is simple to remember:
Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where
sundaes go on a Catholic.
~~~~~~~~~~~
She was Sooo blonde:
..she tripped over a cordless phone.
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
"Sagittarius
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~~~~~~~~~~~

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**** ON THIS DAY ****

Today a Soldier Comes Home

   Last Thursday was like any other day for me. I got up and rushed
around to get ready for work. I left about sunrise and started up
the
road from my house. The sight before me left tears in my eyes.
On every fence post, every sign, and on bushes, trees and even weeds
were tied yellow bows, there were hundreds of them.   A half mile
down the road I turned to head for the highway that takes me to
work. Again, hundreds and hundreds of yellow bows tied against
anything that would support the effort. I did not know the exact
circumstance of the ribbons, was it for a soldier leaving, one
arriving,
one deceased?

    I phoned my wife and told her about the ribbons. She left for
her
work about two hours later and like me, she was stunned and moved.
She notified the local newspapers and phoned the local TV stations
after finding out a soldier was coming home from Iraq that weekend.
Apparently, the local small church had all it's members out
decorating
the two mile drive from the highway to his house with hundreds if
not thousands of ribbons.

     When I arrived home Saturday and the corner of the two main
roads that had the ribbons, I saw two TV trucks and they were
broadcasting live shots from the roads. My wife was right in telling
the TV stations, we hear enough bad news, let's celebrate some good
news.

      I do not know the young man who came home, but he is just a
symbol of all the thousands of young men who arrive daily across the
country. Thank you for your time, your sacrifice and your devotion
to
your country.

B.J. Cassady


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a

personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-3-

Gil Wright "Anita Kerr Singers" born Nashville, TN 1929.

Johnny Lee, born "Johnny Lee Ham" Texas City, TX 1946.

Johnny Cash honorably discharged from the U. S. Air Force, at Camp Kilmer, New Jersey, 1954.

Scotty Moore called Elvis and asked if he would like to audition for Sam Phillips at Sun Records 1954.

Johnny Cash recorded "Luther Played The Boogie" 1955.

Aaron Tippin born Pensacola, FL 1958.

Trigger, Roy Rogers' horse died at age 33, 1965.

John Maddox, age 52, of "Maddox Brothers & Rose" died 1968.

Tom T. Hall recorded "Homecoming/Shoeshine Man" 1969.

Buck Owens & Susan Raye recorded "The Great White Horse"

Bill Monroe and Tommy Jarrell were awarded National Heritage Fellowships 1982.

Allison Krauss became the first bluegrass artist, to join the Grand Ole Opry, in twenty-nine years in 1993.

George Strait's soundtrack album "Pure Country," went to #1 1993.

Roy Nichols, age 68, 22-year member of Haggard's "Strangers," died Bakersfield, CA 2001.

Johnny Russell, age 61, died 2001. Member Grand Ole Opry.

Montgomery Gentry's single "If You Ever Stop Loving Me" topped the charts 2004.

-4-

Stephen Foster, songwriter, born Lawrenceville, PA 1826.

Charlie Monroe born Rosine, KY 1903.

Bob Attlesey, of "The Shelton Brothers" born Reilly Springs, TX 1909.

Gordon Rouse, of the "Rouse Brothers" born 1914.

Marion Worth born Birmingham, AL 1930.

Ray Pillow born Lynchburg, VA 1937.

The Louvin Brothers made their musical debut in Flatrock, AL 1940.

Peter Rowan, master guitarist/recording artist, born Boston, MA 1942.

Bill McCorvey, "Pirates of the Mississippi," born Montgomery, AL 1959.

Teddy Carr of "Ricochet" born 1960.

Willie Nelson staged his first 4^{th of July Picnic, 1973.}

Johnny Cash was the Grand Marshall at the Washington D.C. Bicentennial Celebration 1976.

Tammy Wynette married her fifth husband, George Richey, 1978.

Marty Robbins performed for President Ronald Reagan, in Washington, D.C. 1981.

Wynonna's "I Saw the Light," went to #1 1992.

Arlie Duff, age 72, died while playing golf 1996.

Columbia/Legacy released Johnny Cash's "At San Quentin (The Complete Concert) 2000.

Bobby Yarbrough, age 49, died 2003.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Sugarland cancels three shows due to Nettles' tonsilitis

Monday, July 2, 2007 – Sugarland lead Jennifer Nettles suffered "a severe case of tonsillitis," causing three shows to be cancelled, according to the band's publicist.

Nettles was under doctor's orders to rest her voice. Sugarland apparently did not play as scheduled Saturday in Denver either as part of Kenny Chesney's summer tour.

The tour dates are:
July 2 - Mountain View, Cal., Shoreline Amphitheater
July 3- Sacramento, Cal., Sleep Train Amphitheater
July 4 - Troutdale, Ore,. - McMenamins Edgefield

It has not yet been determined whether those stops will be rescheduled but will be announced at a later date.

 

George Strait becomes all-time co-leader of most chart toppers

Monday, July 2, 2007 – With "Wrapped" going number one this week, George Strait tied Conway Twitty for the most number 1 singles of any genre with 55.

"Wrapped" is also the third single to hit number 1 from his 34th studio album "It Just Comes Natural." The first single off the project, "Give It Away," hit number 1 in just 13 weeks, making it the fastest rising single of Strait's career. The song also recently received two Academy of Country Music Awards for "Song of the Year" and "Single Record of the Year." The album's title track "It Just Comes Natural" also reached number one on the charts.

Though Strait already held the record for solo number 1 singles, his 55th notch ties Twitty's record, which includes his number 1 duets with Loretta Lynn.

 Husband Says Sara Evans Lied About Money  

Sara Evans' estranged husband claims she lied about her  
financial worth in legal documents her attorneys submitted  
in May. Evans filed for divorce from Craig Schelske in  
October 2006. In additional court documents filed Tuesday  
(June 26) in Franklin, Tenn., Schelske alleges that Evans  
underreported the value of their home as well as her copy-  
rights, royalties and other sources of income for artists.  
The divorce case could go to trial as early as December  
2007.  


Evans' divorce hearing set for Dec. 12

By MITCHELL KLINE
Staff Writer


FRANKLIN - A final hearing has been scheduled in the Sara Evans divorce case.

The country singer and her husband, Craig Schelske, have been ordered to appear in a Williamson County courtroom on Dec. 12 to settle the case.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

SUMMER FRUIT SALAD   


1 large mango, peeled and diced  
2 cups fresh blueberries  
2 bananas, sliced  
2 cups fresh strawberries, halved  
2 cups seedless grapes  
2 nectarines, unpeeled and sliced  
1 kiwi fruit, peeled and sliced  
- Honey Orange Sauce:  
1/3 cup unsweetened orange juice  
2 Tbsp lemon juice  
1 1/2 Tbsp honey  
1/4 tsp ground ginger  
- dash of nutmeg  

DIRECTIONS:  
Prepare the fruit. Combine all ingredients for sauce and  
mix. Just before serving, pour Honey Orange Sauce over  
fruit.  

Yield: 12 Servings  
per serving: calories: 99 grams of fat: 1 g. fiber: 2 mg.  
sodium: 4 % calories from fat: 6

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Where was the first European colony in
America?

That first documented European colony in America would have to be
the Viking colony, dating from about 1000 A.D. in what is now
northern Newfoundland. Excavations at a location called L'Anse
aux Meadows bear artifacts from Greenland at around this time
period, and ancient manuscripts from Greenland speak of a country
full of grapevines that the Vikings (under the leadership of Erik
the Red's son, Leif Eriksson) named "Vinland". Other excavations
farther north and south hint that the Vikings may have explored
the eastern coast of the American continent in great depth.
Historians guess that the natives and weather conditions may have
cut short the first European colonies in the new world.

~source used: "Just Curious About History, Jeeves"
by Erin Barrett & Jack Mingo



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
The doctor was certainly right when he said jogging
would add years to my life. I feel ten years older already.

LAST CALL Y'ALL
After my grandfather's wake, my sister and aunt were driving from the funeral home, which we had used many times before, to the cemetery. "I've done this drive so often," my aunt said, "I could do it with my eyes closed."

"One day you will," replied my sister.

HAVE A HAPPY 4th BE CAREFUL WITH THE FIREWORKS,AND PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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