As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the
hospital for treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take
advantage of the hospital's Valet parking.

As he exited his car, a young man with the Valet parking co., comes up
and asks my husband if this was a government vehicle.

"Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question.

"In fact it's an unmarked police car."

"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel.

     "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John: My father got so angry last night at my mom, he hit the ceiling,
knocking large chunks out.

Ted: Wow!

John: Yeah... it was the first time he got plastered without even going
out.
~~~~~~~~~~~
We bought my mother a remote car starter that also opened the door locks at the press of a button. We left her car at the shop to have the system installed. That evening the technician called. He said the installation was almost complete but they had run into a little problem-they had locked the keys in the car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The waitress at the upscale restuarant kept starring at the leading man
every time she brought him another dinner course.

"Say, she finally said, "don't I know you from somewhere?"

The leading actor was coy. "Possibly you've seen me in the movies," he
replied.

"Maybe," she said thoughtfully. "Where do you usually sit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son fell through the ceiling while he was working in the attic, and my four-year-old grandson, Nick, invited everyone who came to the door to see what his Dad had done. Finally my son said, "You can tell Grandma and Grandpa and relatives, but you don't need to tell everyone about it!" When the repairman arrived, Nick followed him and his dad to the hall. Nick looked up at the ceiling and said, "You know, that hole is just about the size of my dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness
stand.

"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the
breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any
qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was
about to die and was wholly unconscious of it? As you sat there...
didn't you feel for him at all?"

"Yes," she answered. "Come to thik of it...there was just a tiny moment
when I sort of felt sorry for him."

"And, when was that?"


"When he asked for his third cup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would like some vitamins for my son," the blonde mom said as she walked into the pharmacy.

"Vitamins A, B, or C?" asks the pharmacist.

"It doesn't matter, he can't read yet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
?????????????????,OOPS
I got my first job as a graduate nurse in a rural hospital and I was
eager to apply all my new knowledge and skills. One day I was sent to
check the fetal heart rate of one of our patients. I entered the room,
saw the young couple and remembered that I was to involve the patient's
family when providing care. After explaining my task, I asked the
husband if he'd like to listen to the baby's heartbeat, too. They both
seemed uncomfortable as I looked from one blushing face to the other.
"I'm not her husband!" the young man sputtered. "I'm the minister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHE'S GOTTA BE BLONDE
At the car dealership where I work, we give our customers a heat deflector-a screen that covers the windshield - as a token of our appreciation for their patronage. "Here are your keys and a deflector for the windshield," our serviceman said to one client. The young lady went out to the parking lot, but ten minutes later she was back. "I'd like a smaller deflector," she said. Told there was only one size, she asked, "But how am I supposed to drive if I can't see the road?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend's daughter, Nancy, found a baby tooth that her kitten had lost. She and her sister decided that they could put one over on the tooth fairy. That night they placed the tooth under Nancy's pillow. And it worked. But the tooth fairy left a can of sardines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SOMETIMES IT'S BOTH
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "short of breath" and not what he thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PLOP
Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a
horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it
was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked
before the bank teller's cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic
crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and
so it went, day after day, year after year.

Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a
thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible
conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only
one company supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded.
There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could
come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane's engines
caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint , Saint Francis.
He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this
should be, I don't know, but I have borne my cross and have not
complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was
the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being
punished?"

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the
clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was,
miraculously suspended two miles above the earth's surface, while the
plane spiraled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if
you have in truth called upon me."

"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint Francis!"

"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of
Assisi. Which?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bishop was sitting in a doctor's waiting room when a red-faced and
sobbing nun rushed out of the doctor's exam room. The bishop charges
into the exam room and demanded to know what the doctor had done.

"I told her she was pregnant." the doctor replied, matter of factly.

"That's crazy! That can't be true!" said the outraged bishop. "Why would
you ever tell her something like that?"

"Well, it cured her hiccups."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the
man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out. That should help." the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the
beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat
him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then
left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he
reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the
cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that it on the phone, I'm lost and
need directions!"