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July11, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
 From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.   Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
TUESDAY JULY 10,2007 The Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted. ~~~~~~~~SHEILA~~~~~~~~~ While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........ "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SHEILA~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ivonne, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. You are a natural loser ! Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button." I foolishly asked Ivonne why she was talking to the soda machine. Ivonne pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, ... "Depress button for ice." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I can't understand how the cat came to have kittens," an old lady said to the vet. "I never let her out and no other cats are allowed near her." The vet looked around and saw a large tom sitting by the fireplace. "What about him? He asked. "Oh, don't be silly," said the old lady. "That's her brother." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car. When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something. It scares you to drive the speed limit. The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish. You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep. You use cruise control at 25 mph. You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield. Your turn signal has been on since 2003. Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower. When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Favorite Pick Up Lines They may or may not be the best way to win someone over, but they are certainly a conversation starter, and if delivered right, may garner a good laugh. Your eyes are the color of my Porsche. I must be dead because this is certainly Heaven. Somebody better call God and tell him he's missing an angel. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Hi. My name is Mark Gates. Maybe you know my dad, Bill? What's your sign? If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call "fine print"! Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date? Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue? Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? No, oh - well then, please start! If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be walking in my garden forever. Hi. I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. Do you believe in love at first site or shall I walk by again? If God made a woman more beautiful than you, I hope He kept her for himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How To Tell If You're Over The Hill You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles. The only reason you're still awake at 2 A.M. is indigestion. People ask you what color your hair used to be. You enjoy watching the news. Your car must have four doors. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store. You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low. You have more than 2 pair of glasses. You read the obituaries daily. You know all the warning signs of a heart attack. If any of the above apply to you: You Are Over The Hill ~~~ JUST GOOD TO KNOW I HAVE ARRIVED....JIM ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Burger king and Pizza Hut ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hanging on a rope Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.? They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.? She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and she was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.? As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chelsea Clinton was departing
her plane at the airport and came upon a
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**** ANYONE WITH DOGS, PLEASE
READ
For more info http://www.dep.state.fl.us/water/bgalgae/health.htm Passing this along... Subject: ANYONE WITH DOGS, PLEASE READ ALSO APPLIES TO KIDS,ADULTS SHOULD KNOW BETTER...JIM Toxic Algae It is with a very heavy heart that I write this and I apologize for its length. Please, PLEASE pass this around. On Monday, June 25, 2007 I took my healthy 9 month old Border Collie, Vita swimming at approximately 6:30 p.m. Vita and two other BC's spent about an hour and a half diving off the dock, chasing the Water Kong, and running around. The temperature that day was just over 90 degrees, but none of the dogs looked particularly winded or hot. Vita emerged from the water and looked as if she was going to vomit. She threw up lake water three times. I wasn't particularly concerned as she took in a lot of water from retrieving and swimming so much and had seen other dogs do that in the past without complications. After the third time throwing up, she lay down and closed her eyes. Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth and I began to suspect she may have heat stroke. I immediately placed ice on her stomach and checked her gums. They were pink. I took her temperature which was 101.9, still normal. I then called my Vet who said these conditions did not indicate heat stroke and said I needed to get emergency medical attention right away. Vita was not responsive and when I picked her up to put her in the car she was limp and her eyes were still closed. Her breathing was slow and her heart was racing. I arrived at the emergency clinic only a half hour from the time she showed signs of distress. The ER Vet asked me what sorts of things Vita had been doing all day. I explained that she was crated as I was gone for the latter part of the afternoon and that upon coming home, the only other place she went was to the lake. Vita's eyes were fixed and dilated and the Vet suggested there was already brain damage. After administering an IV and oxygen, the Vet called me in and said Vita was not responding and that it appeared that she was suffering from some kind of toxic poisoning. Her heart rate was 200. He mentioned that he had recently seen a couple of dogs who died from Blue Green Algae Toxicity. I told him that the lake had what appeared to be algae blooms on the surface of the water. Neither of the other two dogs showed any of the signs that Vita had and that neither dog took in as much water as Vita apparently did. We decided to put her on a ventilator overnight and give her a "chance" to pull through. When I got home I did a Dogpile.Com search of "Blue Green Algae Toxicity in Dogs" and found some very disturbing information. -Blooms can occur at any time, but most often occur in late summer or early fall. They can occur in marine, estuarine, and fresh waters, but the blooms of greatest concern are the ones that occur in fresh water, such as drinking water reservoirs or recreational waters. -Some cyanobacterial blooms can look like foam, scum, or mats on the surface of fresh water lakes and ponds. The blooms can be blue, bright green, brown, or red and may look like paint floating on the water. Some blooms may not affect the appearance of the water. As algae in a cyanobacterial bloom die, the water may smell bad. -Some cyanobacteria that can form CyanoHABs (Harmful Algal Blooms) produce toxins that are among the most powerful natural poisons known. These toxins have no known antidotes. -Swallowing water that has cyanobacterial toxins in it can cause acute, severe gastroenteritis (including diarrhea and vomiting). -Liver toxicity (I.e., increased serum levels of liver enzymes). Symptoms of liver poisoning may takes hours or days to show up in people or animals. Symptoms include abdominal pain, diarrhea, and vomiting. -Kidney toxicity. -Neurotoxicity. These symptoms can appear within 15 to 20 minutes after exposure. In dogs, the neurotoxins can cause salivation and other neurologic symptoms, including weakness, staggering, difficulty breathing, convulsions, and death. People may have numb lips, tingling fingers and toes, or they may feel dizzy. Vita had indeed exhibited salivation and signs of weakness, staggering, difficulty breathing and vomiting. At 7:00 a.m. On Tuesday, June 26, 2007 I called the Vet and was told that they took Vita off the ventilator a couple of times during the night and that she was not breathing on her own. I told him to discontinue the procedure and to let her go. I called the DNR here in Michigan and was told that Blue Green Algae didn??Tt usually appear this time of year and I told the agent that the conditions were that of late summer in Michigan, very hot for the last two days and reminded him that Blue Green Algae can appear at any time. He told me not to panic or to alarm other people. I told him that had someone else panicked, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. Later that morning I found out from a neighbor that her two young boys had vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramps last week and her Doctor suggested she bring in a water sample. I do not know if she did or not. I also talked to a woman from a neighboring county whose neighbor's dog ingested a lot of water from a pond and died suddenly a couple weeks ago. As of this writing, Wednesday, June 27th, I have not heard anything from Michigan State where I took Vita for a necropsy and toxoligical panel. For the time being, I would strongly suggest you watch your dogs when swimming in small lakes and ponds as the potential threat of toxic poisoning from Blue Green Algae is prevalent. Had I known that algae of any kind was toxic, you can be sure my dogs wouldn't be swimming anywhere and that Vita, whose name quite ironically meant "life" in Latin, would be alive today. Missing you more than you can imagine. May you rest in peace, Red Top Vita 09/05/06 - 06/26/07 Bob Tatus 5997 Mabley Hill Road Fenton, Michigan 48430 248-255-2111
**** ON THIS DAY **** Adjust To Life and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Burger king and Pizza Hut ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -10- "Paul" Howard, the singer who brought Western Swing to the Grand Ole Opry, born Midland, AR 1908. Jimmie Rodgers recorded "Mean Mama Blues" 1930. Hank Williams, moved from Greenville to Montgomery, AL with his family 1937. Johnny Cash recorded "The Ways of a Woman In Love" & "Thanks A Lot" 1958. Bela Fleck, banjo virtuoso, born New York City, 1958. Randall Edward Shaw, "BR5-49," born Topeka, KS 1960. Kitty Wells' "Heartbreak U.S.A." went to #1 1961. Roy Acuff was seriously injured in a car wreck near Sparta, TN 1965. Ken Mellons born Kingsport, Tennessee 1965. Bobbie Gentry recorded "Ode to Billie Joe," in Hollywood, CA 1967. Johnny Cash recorded "Sunday Morning Coming Down," 1970. Freddie Hart's "Easy Lovin" debuted on the charts 1971. Burt Hutcherson, age 86, "Gully Jumpers," died 1980. Janie Fricke's "Don't Worry 'Bout Me Baby," became her first No. 1hit 1982. Dick Glasser, age 66, producer/" 2004.songwriter, died 2000. Dan Roberts named "Entertainer of the Year," by the Academy of Western Artists, 2001. Raven Records released Hoyt Axton's boxed set "Joy to the World/Country Anthem" 2001. Marizona Robinson, age 70, widow of Marty Robbins, died in Brentwood, TN 2001. Buddy Jewel's debut album "Buddy Jewel," tops the charts 2003. Toby Keith topped the charts with "Whiskey Girl
Monday, July 9, 2007
– The late Marty Robbiins will be honored with an exhibition at the Country
Music Hall of Fame and Museum starting in late August. "Marty Robbins: Among My
Souvenirs," a biographical exhibit will run from Aug. until June 3 20
08.
Opening weekend festivities will include a 45-minute exhibit tour, guided by a museum curator; a panel discussion, The Story of My Life: Friends and Family Remember Marty Robbins, hosted by 650 WSM announcer Eddie Stubbs, and including Robbins' son Ronny, bus driver Okie Jones, and collaborators Jeanne Pruett, Joe Babcock and Bill Johnson. Weekend screenings will include the film loop Marty Robbins at "Town Hall Party" and the 1967 feature film "Hell on Wheels," including musical performances by Robbins, the Stoneman Family and Connie Smith. Robbins' former assistant, Lucy Coldsnow Smith, now a motion picture dialogue and sound editor, will reflect on her years with Robbins and share stories of his imprint on her life and career. "Marty Robbins was a man with a huge appetite for life," said Museum Director Kyle Young. "He consistently treated challenges as opportunities, used them to his best advantage, and became one of the most stylistically diverse and most beloved stars in country music history. Born near Glendale, Arizona, on Sept. 26, 1925, Robbins' 35-year career earned him induction into the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1982, 7 weeks before he died of chronic heart disease at age 57. Employing a wealth of stage costumes, vintage photos, awards, original song manuscripts, instruments, posters and advertisements, personal correspondence and career-spanning audio and video, Among My Souvenirs will present Marty Robbins as a renaissance man who stretched country music's stylistic boundaries in the 1950s and 1960s by recording rockabilly, teen-pop, Hawaiian music and Tin-Pan Alley standards; as a songwriter who returned country to its western roots with cowboy songs like his Grammy-winning "El Paso"; as a consummate showman and Grand Ole Opry favorite; as an actor who appeared in more than a dozen films with western, racing or country music themes; as the star of two syndicated television series; and as a family man who enjoyed racing stock cars. Artifacts include Robbins' 1944 Glendale Union high school yearbook, which the school issued to him during what would have been his senior year had he not dropped out in 1943 to join the Navy; 2 small-bodied Martin 5-18 guitars, Robbins' trademark instrument; a reproduction of Robbins' 1973 NASCAR racing license, one of his racing uniforms with his Gene Autry Fan Club badge pinned to the belt, and a hand-painted helmet worn in the 1960s; and more than a dozen stage costumes, all prime examples of cowboy haute couture and most designed by Nudie the Rodeo Tailor.
Oatmeal Apple
Raisin Muffins
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