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 From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.   Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot." At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling, "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one. . . . Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." Out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied dangling between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or fight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I believe my daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses. I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but... not the 'N' and the 'Z.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Seven Ages of Man Are: spills drills thrills bills ills pills & wills. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," the young mother said. "I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill." (Johnny Carson...October 23, 1925--January 23, 2005) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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**** We all know what it's like to get
that phone call in the
middle of the night. This night's call was no different. Jerking up to the ringing summons, I focused on the red illuminated numbers of my clock. Midnight . Panicky thoughts filled my sleep-dazed mind as I grabbed the receiver. Hello?" My heart pounded; I gripped the phone tighter and eyed my husband, who was now turning to face my side of the bed. Mama?" I could hardly hear the whisper over the static. But my thoughts immediately went to my daughter. When the desperate sound of a young crying voice became clearer on the line, I grabbed for my husband and squeezed his wrist. "Mama, I know it's late, but don't...don't say anything, until I finish. And before you ask, yes, I've been drinking. I nearly ran off the road a few miles back, and..." I drew in a sharp shallow breath, released my husband and pressed my hand against my forehead. Sleep still fogged my mind, and I attempted to fight back the panic. Something wasn't right. "And I got so scared. All I could think about was how it would hurt you if a policeman came to your door and said I'd been killed. I want...to come home. I know running away was wrong. I know you've been worried sick. I should have called you days ago, but I was afraid...afraid..." Sobs of deep-felt emotion flowed from the receiver and poured into my heart. Immediately I pictured my daughter's face in my mind and my fogged senses seemed to clear. "I think--" "No! Please let me finish! Please!" She pleaded, not so much in anger but in desperation. I paused and tried to think of what to say. Before I could go on, she continued, "I'm pregnant, Mama. I know I shouldn't be drinking now...especially now, but I'm scared, Mama. So scared!" The voice broke again and I bit into my lip, feeling my own eyes fill with moisture. I looked at my husband who sat silently mouthing, "Who is it?" I shook my head and when I didn't answer, he jumped up and left the room, returning seconds later with the portable phone held to his ear. She must have heard the click in the line because she continued, "Are you still there? Please don't hang up on me! I need you. I feel so alone." I clutched the phone and stared at my husband, seeking guidance. "I'm here, I wouldn't hang up," I said. "I know I should have told you, Mama. But when we talk, you just keep telling me what I should do. You read all those pamphlets on how to talk about sex and all, but all you do is talk. You don't listen to me. You never let me tell you how I feel. It is as if my feelings aren't important. Because you're my mother, you think you have all the answers. But sometimes I don't need answers. I just want someone to listen." I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared at the how-to- talk-to- your-kids pamphlets scattered on my night stand. "I'm listening," I whispered. "You know, back there on the road, after I got the car under control, I started thinking about the baby and taking care of it. Then I saw this phone booth and it was as if I could hear you preaching about people shouldn't drink and drive. So I called a taxi. I want to come home." "That's good, Honey," I said as relief filled my chest. My husband came closer, sat down beside me and laced his fingers through mine. I knew from his touch that he thought I was doing and saying the right thing. "But you know, I think I can drive now." "No!" I snapped. My muscles stiffened, and I tightened the clasp on my husband's hand. "Please, wait for the taxi. Don't hang up on me until the taxi gets there." "I just want to come home, Mama." "I know. But do this for your mama. Wait for the taxi, please." I listened to the silence in fear. When I didn't hear her answer, I bit into my lip and closed my eyes. Somehow I had to stop her from driving. "There's the taxi, now." Only when I heard someone in the background asking about a Yellow Cab did I feel my tension easing. "I'm coming home, Mama." There was a click and the phone went silent. Moving from the bed with tears forming in my eyes, I walked out into the hall and went to stand in my sixteen-year-old daughter's room. The dark silence hung thick. My husband came from behind, wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head. I wiped the tears from my cheeks. "We have to learn to listen," I said. He pulled me around to face him. "We'll learn. You'll see." Then he took me into his arms, and I buried my head in his shoulder. I let him hold me for several moments, then I pulled back and stared back at the bed. He studied me for a second, then asked, "Do you think she'll ever know she dialed the wrong number?" I looked at our sleeping daughter, then back at him. "Maybe it wasn't such a wrong number." "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?" The muffled young voice came from under the covers. I walked over to my daughter, who now sat up staring into the darkness. "We're practicing," I answered. "Practicing what?" she mumbled and laid back on the mattress, her eyes already closed in slumber. "Listening," I whispered, and brushed a hand over her cheek.  **** ON THIS DAY **** A city worker cleaning a giant storm drain near Denver found a
class ring that had been lost more than 25 years and located its owner. John
Carlson, the Arvada city worker who found the gold 1978 Pomona High School ring,
took it home and meticulously cleaned it, KMGH-TV, Denver, reported Wednesday.
He then used the Reunion.com Web site to find the owner, Gerry Duran, who lives
in Del Norte, Colo. Duran's mother picked up her son's ring Tuesday and recalled
how it was lost more than 25 years ago. "Gerry was getting ready for school and
was going to take a shower. He took his class ring off and he dropped it and had
just flushed the toilet so it went down (with) the stool," said Duran's mother,
Margie Johnson, who also praised Carlson and his fellow workers. "I think it's
remarkable," Johnson said. "You hear about employees going the extra mile. I
can't imagine wanting to even clean a ring that's been in the sewer system for
28 years." **** HEADS UP FOLKS
**** and men.
Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal
trainer, user forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The amount of
the fines was not disclosed, per league standard when drivers are
involved. Neither driver was immediately available for comment. The skirmish
began when Kanaan slapped Hornish after Hornish rushed to his car after
Sunday's race. Hornish said Kanaan swiped his car as they came to pit road
in retaliation for mid-race contact. The melee escalated from there and
involved other participants. "I didn't
want to get into trying to discern if (one) was more wrong than the other;
they both were to varying degrees," said Brian Barnhart, the IRL's
president of racing and competition. Barnhart also
levied a $25,000 fine on both of the drivers' teams — Andretti Green
Racing and Penske Racing, respectively — for their roles in the
scuffle. Other
participants were also disciplined. Sam Hornish,
the driver's 65-year-old father, who shoved Kanaan, will not be allowed on
pit lane for this weekend's race at Nashville Superspeedway. Anthony
Fedele had his series credentials revoked indefinitely for tackling
Hornish's father after he had shoved Kanaan. Everyone
involved will be on probation through Dec. 31. Appeals are permitted, but
none are expected. Barnhart said
he was particularly disappointed with Fedele and Hornish's father, and
hoped the punishments sent a message to other non-participants who have
access to IRL events. "It is
unacceptable what they did, and the term we used is, they entered the
field of play, and that's unacceptable," he said. "People who (have
access) are going to be held responsible for their actions." Fedele has no
defined role with AGR; he is considered a friend of team co-owner Michael
Andretti. Barnhart said
Hornish's father will not lose his season credential because "parents need
to have the ability to be there for their children. They should get to
share the experience, so I have no problem with (allowing continued
access) whatsoever." Hornish's
father said he went to pit lane to congratulate his son for the best
road-course finish of his Indy-car career. But he said he should have let
the drivers settle their own disagreement and admitted he felt bad for how
he represented his family. "I'm sorry I
embarrassed my son," he said. AGR chairman
Michael Andretti said the team regretted the incident. "Racing is an
emotional sport and it is unfortunate that those emotions carried into the
post-race activities on Sunday," Andretti said in a statement. "We are
looking forward to putting this incident behind us and are focused on
battling for the IndyCar Series championship throughout the remaining
seven races." Contributing: The Associated Press -11- Jimmie Rodgers recorded "Blue Yodel No. 8 'Mule Skinner Blues'" 1930. Gordon Frayne born 1944. Jeff Hanna, "Nitty Gritty Dirt Band," born Detroit, MI 1947. Hank Williams recorded his #1 single "I'll Never Get Out Of This World Alive," 1952. Hank Locklin's "Please Help Me, I'm Falling" was #1 1960. Jimmy Martin recorded "I Can, I Will, I Do Believe" 1961. Ray Cardwell, of New Tradition" born Springfield, MO 1963. Buck Owens recorded his #1 single "Love's Gonna Live Here Again," 1963. Johnny Cash's "The Ballad of Ira Hayes," charted in 1964. Kenny Rogers left The New Christy Minstrels 1967. Merle Haggard recorded "It's Not Love, But It's Not Bad" 1972. Dave & Sugar topped the charts with "The Door Is always Open" 1976. Earl Thomas Conley had his first #1 hit with "Fire and Smoke" 1981. Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson's "Pancho and Lefty," album Certified gold 1983. Ezra Cline, of the "Lonesome Pine Fiddlers" died 1984. Edsel Records released Bobby Bare's album "The Columbia Years: Bare's Picks" 2000. The Amazing Rhythm Aces released their double album "Stacked Deck/Too Stuffed To Jump" 2000.
Nashville radio station WSM will be the subject of a historical book to be published in November by the University of Illinois Press. Written by journalist Craig Havighurst, Air Castle of the South: WSM and the Making of Music City explains how the country radio station transformed Nashville into a city known for music and entertainment. Founded by the National Life and Accident Insurance Company on 1925, the station is best known for broadcasting the Grand Ole Opry Elvis' movie co-stars to mark 30th anniversary of his death By WOODY BAIRD Associated Press Writer MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) -- His movies weren't exactly works of art, but for the fans there was something magical about Elvis Presley on the big screen, dancing and flirting with one starlet after another. Presley has been dead nearly 30 years, but many of his on-screen girlfriends are still around - and they're still ready for their close-ups. Suzanna Leigh, who played Presley's love interest in "Paradise, Hawaiian Style" in 1966, has organized an event next month to offer Elvis fans a rare chance to rub shoulders with up to two dozen of his movie-set buddies. "It's sort of an Elvis reunion," Leigh said. "I'm bringing in a lot of co-stars, directors, people who worked with Elvis." The three-day bash - with tickets ranging from $75 to $150 - is scheduled to begin Aug. 16, the anniversary of Presley's death in 1977 at his Memphis residence, Graceland. It will be one of more than 30 Elvis Week events in Memphis from Aug. 11-18. Annual festivities for Elvis Week, the highlight of the year for the Presley faithful, include concerts, fan-club get-togethers, teary eyed memorials, and, of course, screenings of his movies. And this year, many of his former on-screen playmates will be in town for a gala, billed as "Night of a Thousand Stars," that will include a garden party, storytelling sessions, panel discussions, autograph-signing and a "glittering finale." "It will be magical on the last night," said Leigh, a British actress who starred in several B-grade vampire-and-horror flicks after her role with Elvis. Presley made 31 feature films, in most of them playing - what else? - a good-looking, ultra-cool chick magnet. The films can hardly be confused with Academy Award contenders, but the Elvis faithful can't get enough of them. "The usual question they'll ask me is what was it like to kiss Elvis," said Leigh, setting up an obviously well-used line. "They'll ask was he good, and I often say, `I think he had some practice.'" For many of Presley's co-stars, his films were career highlights. Leigh's autobiography, billed as a behind-the-scenes look into London's "swinging sixties in-crowd," plays on her Elvis connection in its title, "Paradise, Suzanna Style." "I tell stories about his sense of humor and how much fun we had on the set and how difficult the Colonel was," Leigh said, referring to Presley's longtime manager, "Colonel" Tom Parker. In 1958, actress Jan Shepard played Mimi Fisher, the sister of Presley's leading character in "King Creole," his most critically acclaimed movie. "You knew if you got in that movie, it was going to be seen all over the world," said Shepard, who is also scheduled to take part in the Memphis event. Though she described Presley as a brilliant actor, Shepard agreed with critics who say most of his movies were nothing to brag about. "You know what those movies were done for? To sell records," she said from her home in Hollywood. "Every movie had an album." Shepard, whose non-Elvis movies included the "Attack of the Giant Leeches," spent most of her career in television, with parts in numerous Westerns like "Gunsmoke" and "The Virginian." Presley was held back from developing his acting talent to make quick-profit, formula movies, Shepard said, and his fans should hear from those who worked with him that he could have been a serious actor. "He was like part of their lives," she said. "It's 30 years since he's been gone, and I just think this (gathering of co-stars) is for the people." Other Elvis-movie cohorts expected for the Memphis event include Pat Priest ("Easy Come, Easy Go"), Sue Ane Langdon ("Roustabout," "Frankie and Johnny"), Gloria Pall and Jennifer Holden ("Jailhouse Rock"), Gail Gilmore ("Girl Happy" "Harum Scarum") and Celeste Yarnall ("Live a Little, Love a Little). Some of Presley's better-known co-stars, like true-life love interest Ann-Margret, Nancy Sinatra and Mary Tyler Moore aren't scheduled to attend  **** Amy's Kitchen **** Dessert Pizza from Taste of Home 1 package (18 ounces) refrigerated sugar cookie dough rounds 1 package (1.59 ounces) Freezer Jam Fruit Pectin 1-1/2 cups sugar 1-1/2 cups peeled, cored, crushed pineapple (about 1 medium) 1-1/2 cups peeled, seeded, crushed papaya (about 2 medium) 1 cup peeled, finely chopped mango (about 1 large) 1 cup whipped topping 1/4 cup chopped macadamia nuts 1/4 cup white chocolate chips 2 tablespoons flaked coconut Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease 12-inch pizza pan. Place cookie dough rounds in a circle in middle of greased pan. Press rounds to form a 9-inch circle. Bake at 350°F for 12 minutes or until edges are golden brown. Allow to cool, about 15 minutes. In a large mixing bowl, combine freezer jam fruit pectin and sugar, stirring until evenly blended. Stir in pineapple, papaya and mango. Continue stirring for 3 minutes. Reserve 1 cup tropical jam. Set aside. Ladle remaining jam into clean 8-ounce freezer jars leaving 1/2-inch headspace. Apply lids. Let stand until thickened, about 30 minutes. Label jars. Refrigerate up to three weeks or freeze up to one year. Spread whipped topping over cooled cookie. Refrigerate additional 5 minutes. Spread reserved tropical jam on top of whipped topping. Sprinkle with macadamia nuts, white chocolate chips and coconut. Refrigerate until ready to serve. Yield: 12 slices. Snickers Cheesecake How much should
I tip a pizza-delivery person?
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed
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