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| << July11, 2007 - The Daily Funnies |
July13, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
 From Carlisle ,Indiana U.S.A.   Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends are God's way of
taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
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**** AOL to Pay $3M, Reform Cancel
Policies
By MICHAEL LIEDTKE (AP Business Writer)
From Associated Press July 11, 2007 2:01 PM EDT
SAN FRANCISCO - Averting a looming court battle over how it has handled the exodus from its Internet dial-up service, AOL has agreed to make it easier for its remaining customers to leave as part of a $3 million settlement with 48 states and the District of Columbia. The resolution announced Wednesday was driven by a deluge of complaints from AOL customers who said they tried to close their accounts, only to be thwarted in their attempts or discover they were still being billed for services that they thought had been canceled. The outcry triggered a multistate investigation that would have culminated in a lawsuit if AOL hadn't agreed to ante up and change its ways, said David Tiede, a deputy attorney general in California. California was among the states that played a leading role in the settlement. New York and Florida were the only states that didn't participate in the inquiry. AOL, the Internet division of Time Warner Inc., didn't acknowledge any wrongdoing in the settlement. Company spokeswoman Amy Call downplayed the impact of the settlement, saying AOL had already voluntarily improved the way it handled cancellations during 2005 and 2006. "This just codifies those safeguards," she said. As part of the settlement, AOL agreed to maintain an online channel for processing cancellations. Although it has long been one of the Internet's best-known companies, AOL didn't set up an online cancellation system until last August. Previously, all cancellation requests had to be made by fax, mail or telephone. Subscribers who phoned AOL to cancel their service sometimes were greeted by aggressive customer service representatives who were paid bonuses of up to $3,000 if they found a way to retain the business, according to the multistate settlement. Customers complained that AOL's incentive system created an obstructive culture that made service cancellations difficult. "Consumers who called were put on hold or transferred repeatedly until they hung up in disgust," said Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who described AOL's practices as "outlandish and underhanded." The settlement requires AOL to issue refunds to consumers who can show they were still charged monthly fees after trying to cancel their services. AOL's fees currently range from $9.95 to $25.90 per month. Tiede said the multistate investigation didn't estimate how much money AOL might have to refund. The $3 million settlement will be divided among the 48 states and the District of Columbia to cover the costs of their inquiry into AOL's practices and finance other consumer protection efforts.(The customer gets stuck again.....Jim) AOL ended March with 12 million U.S. subscribers, down from 21 million less than two years ago. Customers have been defecting with greater frequency since last August, when AOL began giving away e-mail accounts and software that was previously available only to subscribers. The decision, prompted by free services from Google Inc., Yahoo Inc. and Microsoft Corp., removed one of the main reasons many customers had been clinging to their AOL accounts, even if they lived in households with high-speed Internet access. California Attorney General Jerry Brown predicted Wednesday's multistate agreement "will minimize the potential for consumer confusion during the transition to free e-mail accounts." This isn't the first time AOL has run into legal trouble for frustrating customers who wanted to dump the Internet access service. In 2005, AOL paid $1.25 million in penalties and costs to resolve a similar complaint in New York. In 2003, the company agreed to improve the way it dealt with customer cancellation requests as part of a Federal Trade Commission inquiry into allegations about unfair billing practices. In a separate development, investors hurt by accounting shenanigans that inflated AOL's advertising revenue from 1998 to 2002 will begin to receive payments from a $2.65 billion class action settlement later this month. The initial distribution of the money was held up last month after a
technology company, BizProLink LLC, filed an appeal seeking a share of the
proceeds. FRED A man
isn't poor if he can still laugh. ~Raymond
Hitchcock
Remember, men need laughter
sometimes more than food. ~Anna Fellows
Johnston
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Man Banned From
Wal-Mart. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Thoughts On Aging - Maybe it's true
that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or
spread out. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
The relatives of the family's
rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A new business was
opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the
occasion. They arrived at the new business site, and the owner read the card,
which said, "Rest in Peace." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on
the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the
husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just
as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt
Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes
on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into
the bed room, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure
enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet
floor.
"You rotten bitch," she
screams.
"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running
around naked scaring the kids!!"
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an
individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her own life,
couldn't understand
why
her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas
County Sheriffs office no
less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband
and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in it. We
went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to th technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was
at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
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George
Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, tell it to your friends...seems like a great idea! ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A feisty
70 year-old woman had to call the electric company for a
repairman.
After a quick inspection, Al, the man from the power company found the problem and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor charges! One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes!" Al explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. Al spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Things
some people hate:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? 2. People who are willing to get up to search the entire room for the TV remote, but they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 4. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No, I paid $7.50 to come to the movies and stare at the ceiling. 5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Well, you didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy? 6. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything like it before. If it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!! 7. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? Wouldn't you just love to reply to the cop, "You should know, you pulled me over." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
I had
just moved to an address between Sunset Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of
Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was
located for billing purposes.
"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her. "Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
The Good
Husband...
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn'ttastelike alcohol at all.He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as hewas feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to forcehimself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breu screamed, Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $1.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!! ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A wife
bought a whole range of cosmetics designed to knock years off her age. After
five hours applying the various creams and potions, she asked her husband: "Tell
me honestly, darling, what age do you think I look?"
He said: "From your skin, 21; from your hair, 18; from your figure, 23." "Oh you flatterer," she gushed. "Wait a minute," he said, "I haven't added them up yet." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A Mormon
acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.
After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded
that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding
polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A FEW ONE LINERS ......
I just
got my bill for my stay in the hospital. Now I know why surgeons wear
masks.
Protect
the birds. The dove brings peace and the stork brings tax
exemptions.
Hospitality is the art of wanting people to stay without
interfering with their departure.
Blessed
are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
diet.
Don't
ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. - Robert
Frost
The
Mexicans were delighted when a bridge was built across the Rio Grande. At last
they could swim across in the shade.
When people are do-it-yourselfers, could you
say they follow the path of least assistance?
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
And on the 8th day God said, "OK Murphy, you take
over."
Anger is what makes the mouth work faster than the
mind.
Anything free is worth what you pay for
it.
The probability of someone watching you is
proportional to the stupidity of your action. --James Francis
Owens
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WAYS TO
TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music. You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs. You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah." Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time. You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days. Your bed has more options than your car. One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle. It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps. You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary. You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs. You look both ways before crossing a room. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
Subject: Words of Wisdom
1. A day without sunshine is like
night.
2. On the other hand, you have
different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics
are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the
rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you
know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks
slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger
without enthusiasm.
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