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July16, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
  From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.   Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
T G I F Our 13 year old niece spent last
night with us. When we dropped her off &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Reader's Submissions
**** Honoring WWII
Vets
www.wwiimemorial.com The World War II Memorial in Washington honors those who served in the war. In all, 16 million served in the armed forces. More than 400,000 died. The memorial was created to memorialize the sacrifices these people made during the war. Do you know someone who served in the war? Then visit the World War II registry. You can search for people who contributed to the war effort. Maybe your loved one isn't listed. In that case, you can apply to have them added to the registry. It's a great way to show your appreciation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FRED Another weekend is here and time to scour the archives for a new "gaggle of
giggles" for this edition of "GGG's" - As
always, "GGG's" is sent your way 'just for the fun of it' and we hope you
get a lot of laffs or maybe just a chuckle
or two. - Here is today's quote on laughter:
I am
thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
~Woody Allen
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal,
only to discover that the piece of land
he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty
mad," he said to his boss. "
Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of
salesman are you? Get
out there and sell him a houseboat."
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Universal
Truths
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom.
Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete
a government projectis precisely equal to the length of time already
spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will
occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick
himself up and continue on.
Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are
50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is
especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Conway's Law: In any organization, there will
always be one person who knows what's going on; This person must be
fired.
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Improving the world one new rule at a time.
. . .
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides, I
already know what the captain of the basketball team is doing
these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked
that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it
cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain??
Trout?
New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule : If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards
are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures
of men.
New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of
them?
Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is
called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over
ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target
is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa
figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the jerk.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying
the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up
is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of
your
butt . And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just under the influence.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's
next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing
that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If
I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule : If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other show.
New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it
used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff
you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of
looting.
New Rule : No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my
hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just
fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the
first place.
New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult
and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake
don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of
flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want
fries with that?"
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
A fellow stopped at a rural
petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft
drink. As he stood
by his car, drinking his Pepsi,
he noticed a couple of men working along the
roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or
three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in
the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25
feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the
fellow with the Pepsi and went on down the road. "I can't stand this,"
said the man, tossing the can in a recycling bin and heading down the
road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to
the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this
digging?"
"Well, we work for the county,"
one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole
and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you
wasting
the county's
money?"
"You don't understand, mister,"
one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally
there's three
of us -- me, Rodney and
Mike.
I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in
the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's
sick, that don't
mean that Mike and me can't
work."
≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
NBA OR
NFL?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been
arrested for shoplifting
21 are
defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been
arrested for drunk driving
in the last
year
Can
you guess which
organization this is?
Give
up yet? . . . Scroll
down,
1 cannot get a
credit card due to bad credit
You ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FRED ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** ON THIS DAY **** The Lord's
Baseball Game" and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. ~Will Rogers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -13- Bradley Kincaid born Point Leavell, KY 1895. Vernon Tim Spencer, "Sons of the Pioneers," born Webb City, MO 1908. Clarence Ganus, singer/songwriter, born Searles, AL 1910. Vernon Dalhart recorded "Wreck Of The Old 97," 1924. Louise Mandrell born Corpus Christi, TX 1954. RCA released Elvis' "Hound Dog/Don't Be Cruel" 1956. Later that day, Ed Sullivan signed a contract with Col. Parker, guaranteeing Elvis $50.000 for three appearances on his TV show. Buddy Holly almost drowned, while attempting to swim across a lake in Wisconsin, while on tour 1958. Buck Owens released his single "Under You Spell Again/Tired Of Livin'" 1959. Brent Mason, guitarist/session musician/recording artist, born Vanwert, OH 1959. Rhonda Vincent, born Kirksville, MO 1962. IBMA Entertainer of the Year in 2001. IBMA Female Vocalist of the Year in 2000, 2001, 2002. Victoria Shaw, singer/songwriter born NYC 1962. Tom T. Hall recorded "Fox On The Run" 1976. Marty Robbins released "Tie Your Dreams To Mine/That's All She Wrote" 1982. Curb released Tennessee Ernie Ford's "Greatest Hits" album 1993. John Denver's DUI trial in Colorado, resulted in a hung jury 1997. Warner Brothers released David Ball's album "Play" 1999. Reba McEntire, Martina McBride, Sara Evans, Jamie O'Neal and Carolyn Dawn Johnson debuted their 25-date tour "Girls Night Out," at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas 2001. Alan Jackson appeared on the Tuesday Night Opry in 2004. Alan filmed the video for his single, "Too Much of a Good Thing," on the Opry stage in front of an appreciative audience. A good time was had by all. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Martina McBride enjoys top grossing country female tour of
2007 - Martina
McBride the only country female act in the top 10 for the first half of 2007 for
Pollstar's list of top tours. Gwen Stefani is the top grossing female act.
McBride is one of country's top five...
Willie Nelson will receive BMI honor - Willie Nelson will be honored as
a BMI Icon at the U.S. performing right organization's 55th annual Country
Awards, the oldest awards saluting country's top music makers. The event will
recognize the past...
Marty Stuart's pack rat habit pays off By JOHN GEROME Associated Press Writer NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Depending on how you look at it, Marty Stuart is either a genius for saving all those cowboy boots, rhinestone suits and flashy string ties, or he's a pack rat with a taste for garish clothes. His collection of country music memorabilia reflects not only Stuart's own remarkable life - from child prodigy in Philadelphia, Miss., to sideman with Lester Flatt and Johnny Cash, mainstream hitmaker and rootsy revisionist - but also his obsession with country music and its colorful past. There are Cash's guitars, Emmylou Harris' hat, Hank Williams' report card, Carl Perkins' stage jacket, Jimmie Rodgers' railroad lantern, Maybelle Carter's handwritten lyrics, Patsy Cline's makeup case, Buck Owens' boots. The list seems endless. He's accumulated enough to fill several warehouses (more than 20,000 items at last count) and loans it to places like the country and rock halls of fame. The highlights of his collection are now on display at the Tennessee State Museum in Nashville through Nov. 11 in a show called "Sparkle & Twang: Marty Stuart's American Musical Odyssey." While every item has been appraised, Stuart won't divulge what it's worth except to wag his head and allow, "Crazy money. Crazy, crazy money." "Most country artists from that golden era ... you'd ask them what happened to that suit, and they'd say, 'Ah, I gave it away. I didn't think anything about it.' They didn't see the eternal value of it. It was just taken for granted - a tool to work with. Now that history has gone on and the world has turned a little more, this stuff means more than it ever has." At 48, Stuart is no longer the young rebel out to shake up Nashville or the country hitmaker of the early '90s ("Hillbilly Rock," "The Whiskey Ain't Workin'"), though he still has that pile of spiky hair, like a rooster caught in the rain. He's been on a creative roll recently, releasing four albums and a book of photography since 2005. His records touch on gospel, bluegrass, blues, rockabilly, even Native American music. His latest, "Compadres," is an anthology of duets with the likes of Cash, B.B. King, Merle Haggard, the Staple Singers, Loretta Lynn and Steve Earle. As he browsed the exhibit one afternoon, he'd latch onto an artifact and launch into another story. "I still get wide-eyed when I see this stuff," Stuart said. "These are people I grew up watching on TV in Mississippi. I knew their guitars and suits long before I got here. It was hillbilly Hollywood. That's what drew me to Nashville." Stuart has always had extraordinary access to extraordinary people. His candid black-and-white photos look like vintage Rolling Stone covers: B.B King, John Lee Hooker, Haggard, Cash, Chuck Berry, Ray Charles, Willie Nelson, Little Richard, Bill Monroe, Dolly Parton. "The first time I went to New York City I was 14 years old," he begins, "and I went into this bookstore in Greenwich Village and they had (jazz bass player/photographer) Milt Hinton's photos along the wall. He took his camera everywhere he took his bass, and he had unprecedented access to all these folks. I thought, 'I do too, except in country.'" His passion for collecting started when he was 4 or 5 and his mom got him Minnie Pearl's autograph. Things really took off in the early '80s when he was in London with Cash and saw the memorabilia at the original Hard Rock Cafe. "Outside of the Country Music Hall of Fame, I didn't see anyone attending to country music stuff," he said. "On the way back home on the airplane I was thinking the whole way." He began scouring yard sales and thrift stores. People gave him things, others bartered or traded with him. He'd verify the authenticity by studying old photographs, talking to friends and relatives or, when possible, to the artists themselves. He hesitates when asked his most prized possession because he has some whoppers, like the handwritten lyrics to Hank Williams' "Cold, Cold Heart" and "Your Cheatin' Heart," Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" and Bob Dylan and Cash's "Wanted Man." And no telling how many rhinestone suits he owns by the late cowboy couturier, Nudie Cohen, and his disciple, Manuel. There's also a photo of Stuart as a teenager with country star Connie Smith. It was taken at a fair in Mississippi, and, as the story goes, Stuart told his mom on the way home that he would one day marry the pretty blond singer several years his senior. Twenty-five years later, in 1997, he did just that. Less than 10 percent of Stuart's collection made it into the museum. There just wasn't enough room for all of it. Renee White, who as curator of "Sparkle & Twang" had to sift through everything and arrange it in a way that made sense, wanted to tell Stuart's story while capturing the flavor of country music's past. "It was a beautiful time for music and a beautiful time for fashion," White said. "All of these guys were friends, and they were friendly everywhere they went. There were no racial boundaries in the music." Grand Ole Opry announcer and historian Eddie Stubbs said Stuart had great foresight to preserve these items because few others were at the time. In particular, his large number of Hank Williams artifacts, which Stuart acquired from Williams' sister, Irene, are vital to the history of American music, Stubbs said. "When he started collecting seriously in the '80s, country music was shunning the rhinestone image," Stubbs said. "If Marty hadn't have been there, this stuff might have really gone by the wayside. I hate to think what might have happened to it." Stuart calls the exhibit a "victory lap," a chance to take stock of his collection and ponder its future. He'd like to show it in museums across the country and eventually find it a permanent home. For him it represents a childhood dream fulfilled. As he gazes at a picture of a rhinestone-clad Cohen, he muses, "There's something to be said about the spirit of America when you go to work looking like that every day." "Beautiful," he mumbles to himself. Trick My Truck Returns for Third Season on CMT The third season of CMT's Trick My Truck will begin July 20 with eight new episodes. The Chrome Shop Mafia will continue to renovate semi-trucks, but new challenges include updating a tow truck, a pickup truck and even an ice cream truck. A special episode features trucker Dale Hayden, who recently lost his mother to breast cancer, with a truck transformed into a moving tribute in her honor. Trick My Truck debuted in 2006 as the highest-rated, regularly-scheduled series premiere ever for CMT.  **** Amy's Kitchen **** Banana
Cake Who was Saint Valentine and
how did the holiday start? I heard it had a vulgar beginning in
Rome.
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed
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