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Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

MONDAY JULY  16,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Monday's suck
If you make out your income tax return correctly, you
go to the poor-house; if you don't, you go to the pen

True Story: I invited a good friend of mine named Nick to a bowhunting expedition in the nearby mountains where I live in New Mexico. He took his young nephew "Little Ray" with him who was ten years old at the time. Little Ray's job was to lug around a backpack that contained lunch for Nick and himself. It was treacherous terrain and soon Little Ray started to fall behind complaining about how heavy his backpack was. Nick and I were tired too for we also had heavy gear to carry, but, Nick graciously offered to carry Little Ray's backpack for him. After a few miles, Nick was looking very weary and started complaining about how heavy the backpack was also. Grumbling under his breath "Just what the heck is in this thing anyway", Nick unzipped the backpack and dumped the contents on the ground. The contents of the backpack:

Little Ray's rock collection which he had started that morning the moment we left the truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman has accused her dentist of storming into a crowded bar and yanking out her dentures because she failed to pay her dental bill.

The 58-year-old New York woman has paid what she owed since the incident last week authorities said. They said her assault complaint against the dentist was under investigation.

The dentist was out of his office Friday when police went to question him, but his assistant showed them a plastic bag containing the dentures and said the woman could pick them up when convenient, a police official said
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked.

"More than that," I laughed, "My instructor reeks of BO and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again!"

"I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Safety was job one at my company. During a safety training course, the instructor asked our group, "Does your company have an evacuation plan in place?"

"Yes," said one employee, "and it works without a hitch!"

"Really?" said the instructor. "How'd you do that?"

"We practice every day at five o'clock."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"

"It's the worst damn job I ever had."

"How long have you been there?"

"About three freakin months."

"Why don't you quit?"

"No way. This is the first time in 20 years I've looked forward to going home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting old is so hard at times.

Yesterday I got the Preparation 'H' mixed up with the Polygrip.

Now, I walk funny, but - my gums don't itch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duh
The first day at my new health club, I asked the young woman at the front desk, "What are your hours? I like to exercise after work."

"Our club is open 24/7," she said excitedly. "Monday through Saturday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW CASTLE, Del. - After you rob a woman it's probably not a good idea to ask her out. Police stated that after two men robbed a Domino's Pizza delivery woman one of the suspects called her on his cell phone to apologize and ask for a date. The victim wasn't interested in him, but was interested in giving the police his cell phone number. Brent Brown, 25, was arrested along with 18-year-old Andre Moore and now faces second-degree robbery charges. Police are still on the lookout for a 16-year-old suspect that was connected to the crime. Officers searched the boy's home And found the evidence they needed, pizza boxes with the receipt. Hey, there are easier ways to meet women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Absolutely no relation
(inside joke)
MACHIAS, Maine - Faking chest pains and pretending to have a heart attack may not be the best ways to avoid paying the bill at a restaurant. Elias I. Elias, 54, will most likely realize this as he spends the next 90 days in jail. According to authorities, Elias would order a meal, eat and enjoy, and then fake his need for medical assistance when the check arrived. He would be taken to a local hospital but usually left before police arrived. District Attorney Paul Cavanaugh said the most recent incident marked the 13th time that Elias tried to skip paying the check. Elias' court-appointed attorney, Jeffrey Davidson, told the judge that the homeless and unemployed man just wanted to eat a restaurant meal "like anybody else."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yogi Berra, famous baseball catcher, was notorious for swinging at bad pitching. One day he reached for three wild ones in succession and struck out. Muttering in disbelief, he mumbled to nobody in particular, "How does a pitcher like that ever stay in the league?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears
this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went into a greasy diner and ordered a milkshake, and then
realized he had to go to the bathroom. Worried someone might steal his
milkshake, he took a paper napkin and wrote on it, "World's Strongest
Weight Lifter."

Leaving the warning under the milkshake glass, he disappeared into the
men's room.

When he returned a few minutes later, the glass was empty and under it
was a new napkin with a message that said,

         "World's Fastest Runner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr Jackson arrived at Chicago's O'Hare ariport and spotted a
computerized weight machine in the lobby. Curious, as to what his weight
is, he drops a quarter into the slot and steps onto the scale.

A soft voice announces, "You are five feet, ten inches tall, you weigh
165 pounds, and you are taking a plane to Michigan."

Impressed by the machine's accuracy, he tries it again.

"You are five feet, ten inches tall," the voice repeats, "weigh 165
pounds, and you are taking a plane to Michigan."

The third time he dicides to try to fool the machine. He took his
suitcase into the men's room and changes into a different coat and tie.

Pulling his hat over his ears to hide his face, Mr Jackson drops another
quarter in the weight machine.

Again, he hears the all too familiar soft voice announce. . .

"You are five feet, ten inches tall, weigh 165 pounds," the voice
announces, then adds. . . .

      "and while you were changing clothes, you missed the plane to
Michigan!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"

A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she
said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road.
The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any
buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,
"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to
block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and
they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there
called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life signs?"

The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I
turned his head around the right way."
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**** ON THIS DAY ****

THE OLD PHONE

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first
telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished,
old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung
on the side of the box. I was too
little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with
fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful
device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information
Please" and there as nothing she did not know. Information
Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came
one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing
myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my
finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there
seemed no point in crying because there was no one home
to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger,
finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly,
I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to
the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the
parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I
said into the mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

"Information."

"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears
came readily enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and
it hurts."

"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.

I said I could.

"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your
finger," said the voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.
I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me
where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She
told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park
just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I
called, 'Information Please," and told her the sad story.
She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to
soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her,
"Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and
bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of
feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly,
"Paul always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."

"Information," said in the now familiar voice. "How do I
spell fix?" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific
Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across
the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.
"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box
back home and I somehow never thought of trying the
shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As
I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood
conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall
the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated
now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have
spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane
put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so
between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone
with my sister, who lived there now. Then without
thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator
and said, "Information Please."

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.

"Information."

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could
you please tell me how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer,
"I guess your finger must have healed by now."

I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you
have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"

I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant
to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward
to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years
and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to
visit my sister.

"Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice
answered, "Information." I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" she said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had
been working part-time the last few years because she was
sick. She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she
said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?"
"Yes." I answered.

"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in
case you called Let me read it to you."

The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in.
He'll know what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.
~~~~~~
Well it's 6:30 AM here right
now. The missing alarm clock just went off. I didn't even bother to go
try to find it today. We lost it about 6 months ago. It goes off at 6:30
AM every single day. We know the area where it is at. We've all been up,
waiting for it to go off, in the last 6 months. We just can't find the
damn thing. I promise you, there is nothing but floor and carpet where
it should be. The noise comes from one area of the living room. We can't
find it, and we absolutely hate it! Problem is, we can only look for it
when it is beeping at 6:30 AM and we get about 15 -20 seconds to search
in. We have torn up that whole corner of the living room so many times
that it is no longer funny. Wen I do find that clock, I'm going to throw
it into the street and then run over it with my van. It will not live to
beep again, once it is found.......

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a

personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Dixon wins rain-delayed Firestone Indy 200 Dixon wins rain-delayed Firestone Indy 200 By TERESA M. WALKER, AP Sports Writer July 15, 2007 GLADEVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Scott Dixon had the fastest car in practice and qualifying. Not even the IndyCar Series' first rainout in nearly seven years could slow him down. Dixon passed Dario Franchitti and Dan Wheldon on lap 95 and ran away with the Firestone Indy 200 on Sunday for his second straight IndyCar victory. He also became the first driver to repeat at the Nashville Superspeedway. ``That's two weeks in a row, and definitely what we need for the championship,'' Dixon said. Dixon's victory at Watkins Glen last week was overshadowed by the fight involving Tony Kanaan and Sam Hornish Jr., but he had no such problems Sunday when not even a caution for a light sprinkle or a restart with five laps left could eat into his lead. Franchitti was second, and Danica Patrick tied her career-best finish of third earlier this year at Texas. Sam Hornish Jr. was fourth followed by Marco Andretti. The race was postponed from Saturday night until Sunday, the first IndyCar Series' race delayed a day by rain since June 2000 at Texas Motor Speedway. Dixon started on the pole and watched Franchitti pass him on the opening lap for the lead, which he held for 88 laps. Wheldon also led a few laps. But Dixon took back the lead and grabbed hold of the race with an impressive pass. Franchitti and Wheldon both were slowed by traffic, and Dixon dipped to the inside, passing both on the left for the lead. Dixon, who came in trailing Franchitti by 47 points for the series points lead, pitted for the last time on lap 154. He retook the lead as he came back out of the pits on lap 159 and didn't let the lead slip away again. Kanaan's race came to a much quieter finish than at Watkins Glen. The Brazilian was running second on lap 36 when he came up on Sarah Fisher. She was running last, and Kanaan got a little high passing her as he went down the back stretch. He spun around and hit into the wall backward before coming to a stop at the start of Turn 3.

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-14-

Woodie Guthrie born "Woodrow Wilson Guthrie," Okemah, OK 1912.

Marijohn Wilkin songwriter/publisher/musician born Kemp, TX 1920.

Del Reeves "The Dean Martin of Country Music," born Sparta, NC 1933.

Guitarist Spencer Davis born in Whales, 1941.

Riley Puckett of the Skillet Lickers died 1946.

Hank Williams released "Hey Good Lookin'," 1951.

The Eddy Arnold Show premiered on CBS-TV 1952.

Pee Wee King released "Hoot Scoot," 1956.

Richard Underwood, of the Johnson Mountain Boys, born Washington, D.C. 1956.

Patsy Cline released "Stop, Look, and Listen," 1956.

Johnny Cash announced that he was leaving Sun Records 1958.

Ray Herndon "McBride & The Ride" born Phoenix, AZ 1960.

Bill Anderson joined the Grand Ole Opry 1961.

The Everly Brothers break-up while on stage at Knott's Berry Farm, 1973.

Loretta Lynn's "Love Is The Foundation," is the #1 country song on Billboard 1973.

Tom T. Hall recorded "Magnificent Music Machine" 1975.

The Bellamy Brothers #1 single "If I Said You Have A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me" debuted on Billboard's Top 40 Chart 1979.

Dolly Parton's "Halos & Horns," album debuted on the Billboard Country Album Charts at #4, in 2002.

CBS aired their tape of the CMA Music Festival 2004. This was the festival formerly known as Fan Fair.

Natalie Maines gave birth to her second child, Beckett Finn Pasdar 2004. When not engaged with ACLU activities, Maines sings with an all girl band from Texas.

-15-

Sarie Wilson of "Sarie and Sally" born 1896.

Cowboy Copas born "Lloyd Estel Copas," near Muskogee, OK 1913.

Dolph Hewitt born West Finley, PA 1914.

Rod Brasfield debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 1944.

Linda Ronstadt born Tucson, AZ 1946.

Hank Williams' hometown, Montgomery, AL had a "Hank Williams Homecoming Day" 1951. Over nine thousand people showed up for the celebration.

Blue Miller born "William Mueller," "The Gibson/Miller Band," born Detroit, MI 1952.

Mac McAnally born Red Bay, AL 1957.

Marty Robbins released "Please Don't Blame Me/Teenage Dream" 1957.

Columbia Records released Marty Robbins' "Ride Cowboy Ride/Five Brothers" 1960.

Marty Robbins released "Girl With Gardenias In Her Hair/In The Valley Of The Rio Grande" 1967.

Bill Justis died in Nashville 1982.

Columbia Records released Johnny Cash from his recording contract after 28 years 1986.

Aaron Tippin married Thea Corontzos at Trinity Orthodox Church in Nashville 1995.

MCA released "The Best of Freddy Fender" 1996.

Sony released "David Allan Coe Live: If That Ain't Country…" 1997.

Arista released Diamond Rio's "Greatest Hits" album 1997.

Hal Southern, age 79, died from diabetes 1998. Hal wrote the Tex Ritter hit "I Dreamed of Hillbilly Heaven."

Collin Raye's "I Can Still Feel You" went to #1 in 1998.

George Strait released his "Honkeytonkville" album 2003.

-16-

Frank Page, Louisiana Hayride announcer, born Little Rock, AR 1948.

Bob Wilson, "Earl Scruggs Revue," born 1949.

Ronny Robbins, son of Marty Robbins, born Phoenix, AZ 1949.

Connie Smith's debut single" Once A Day," was released 1964. It stayed at #1 for eight weeks.

Merle Haggard recorded "Okie From Muskogee," 1969.

The Oak Ridge Boys released "Y'All Come Back Saloon," 1977. The song became their first top 5 hit.

Harry Chapin died in an auto accident 1981.

Dollywood opened in Pigeon Forge, TN 1986.

Vince Gill's album "High Lonesome Sound" certified platinum 1997.

Roy Orbison's widow, Barbara Orbison, filed a lawsuit against Sony Music. The suit alleges that Sony underpaid royalties on both foreign and domestic record sales. The Twelve Million Dollar suit requests back payments, plus interest on money owed. 1998.

The Bellamy Brothers released "Redneck Girls Forever" 2002.

Don Williams released "Best of Don Williams" 2003.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Martina McBride enjoys top grossing country female tour of 2007 - Martina McBride the only country female act in the top 10 for the first half of 2007 for Pollstar's list of top tours. Gwen Stefani is the top grossing female act. McBride is one of country's top five...
 
Wyoming Woman Shot and Killed While Singing in Bar
Saturday, July 14, 2007


CHEYENNE, Wyo. — A woman was shot and killed early Saturday while she sang with a band at a restaurant and bar, police said. They were looking for her estranged husband, a National Guardsman who they said had sniper training.

Robin Munis was shot in the head with one gunshot that came from outside the Old Chicago restaurant where she had been performing just after midnight, Cheyenne police Capt. Jeff Schulz said. No one else in the restaurant was hurt.

Witnesses saw her husband, David Munis, in the area, but no one has reported seeing the shot fired, Schulz said. No weapon was found, but Schulz said investigators believe a rifle was used.

The couple had recently separated, and Robin Munis, 40, of Cheyenne, had complained about receiving harassing calls from her husband as recently as Friday, Schulz said.

"We are working solely on him being the suspect," Schulz said at a news conference. He described David Munis as "very dangerous."

David Munis, 36, is a second lieutenant in the Wyoming Army National Guard who is attached to the guard's training camp, according to guard spokeswoman Deidre Forster. Schulz said Munis received sniper training from the military, but Forster said she didn't know whether he did.


TWANGTOWNUSA.COM Internet Radio Stay's On The Air... For Now....


12 Midnight 12 July 2007

Hello Folks...
Due to the events that have happen this evening...TWANGTOWNUSA.COM Internet Radio with continue Broadcasting Real Country Music awhile keeping a cautious eye on the Sound Exchange - RIAA & MiMA negotiations.
We cannot forget for a minute we are dealing with RIAA here.
I guess there can be life after apparent death...eh...??? It's called life support.
I will still be adding a D.J./Radio Station Country Music MP3 Download Page at a later date as a additional service.
Any questions contact me. Dick@dickshuey.com



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Sour Cream Meat Balls

1-1/2 pounds lean ground beef
1 (8oz) carton sour cream
1 tsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. salt
Mix ground beef, garlic powder, salt and 1/2 of the sour cream
together. Form into balls. Brown balls in skillet and place in baking
dish. Spread remaining sour cream on meat balls and bake at 350° for
30 minutes.




**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Which president is on the $2 bill?

Thomas Jefferson graces the front of the $2 bill, while the signing of the Declaration of Independence by John Trumbull is portrayed on the reverse side.

The Continental Congress authorized $2 bills on June 25, 1776, as "bills of credit for the defense of America." Jefferson made his appearance on the note in 1928, and while earlier versions depicted Monticello on the reverse side, the Trumbull painting was introduced in 1976 for the Bicentennial.

There are more than a billion dollars' worth of $2 bills out there. The Bureau itself churns out around 700 million dollars worth of cash per day, but 95% of those notes are used to replace tired money. It takes money to make money; paper bills cost a little over four cents to produce.



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Money can't buy happiness ... but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

LAST CALL Y'ALL
A group of dentists decided to open a new practice, but as competition in their area was fierce they wanted the new business to be unique. They set up shop aboard a boat and offered river crossings as a bonus. Their practice was soon known as "The Tooth Ferry."


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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