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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.


Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TUESDAY JULY  17,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and most of the
roads weren't paved.

Arkansas Cowgirl

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks

into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in

the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one

in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and

orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You

know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste

better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two

sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin.

When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised

that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we

drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of

my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and

leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the

bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three

mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All

the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she

comes back to the bar for the second round, the

bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your

grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your

loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a

light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no,

everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that

my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had

to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nair

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the

veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned

both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she

should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears

once a month.

She went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the

register the druggist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms

don't use deodorant for a few days."

She told him, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist then said, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave

for a couple of days."

My neighbor then told him: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if

you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist replied: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to call the cops

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would
be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about
them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response
unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that
you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fatherhood.....
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The young boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied," My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, " I am the Father of many."

The boy said, " My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and 2 grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said , " I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: cough syrup

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's wrong with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner said,

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk responds, "Of course you can!   Look at him; he's afraid to cough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PERSONALITY TEST

~ TIBETAN PERSONALITY TEST ~

Take your time with this test and you will be amazed. I did this last year when this came around and a spiritual wish I made did happen - in fact all year long.

The Dalai Lama suggests you read it to see if it works for you. Very Interesting.

Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you.

Be honest and do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely. Do not cheat.

MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!

A warning! Answer the questions as you go along. There are only 4 questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results.

Go down slowly, and complete each exercise as you scroll down.

Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along.

You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you a lot about your true self. Give an answer for each item. The first thing that comes to mind is usually your best answer. Remember -

no one sees this but you.

(1) Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference:

Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig

(2) Write one word that describes each one of the following: Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee, Sea.

(3) Think of someone, who also knows you and is important to you, which you can relate them to the following colors. Do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color:

Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green.

(4) Finally, write down your favorite number, and your favorite day of the week.

FINISHED? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT.

Look at the interpretations below: But first before continuing, REPEAT your wish.

ANSWERS:

(1) This will define your priorities in your life.

Cow Signifies CAREER

Tiger Signifies PRIDE

Sheep Signifies LOVE

Horse Signifies FAMILY

Pig Signifies MONEY

(2) Your description of dog implies your own personality.

Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.

Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.

Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex.

Your description of the sea implies your own life.

(3) Yellow: Someone you will never forget

Orange: Someone you consider your true friend

Red: Someone that you really love

White: Your twin soul

Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

4) You have to send this message to as many persons as your favorite number and your wish will come true on the day that you recorded.

This is what the Dalai Lama has said about the Millennium - just take

a few seconds ! to look it up, read it and think.

Do not put away this message, the mantra will come out from your hands in the next 96 hours. You will have a very pleasant surprise.

This is true, even if you are not superstitious.

Please do this. It is fascinating. SEND THIS E- MAIL MANTRA TO AT LEAST FIVE PERSONS AND YOUR LIFE WILL IMPROVE.

0-4 persons: Your life will improve slightly

5-9 persons: Your life will improve to your liking

9-14 persons: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next three weeks

15 or more persons: Your life will improve drastically and all that you wish will come true
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be sure to click on the word "smile" at the end of this e-mail.

(This has 2 parts: a list and at the end, something to open--enjoy!)

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.......................................Giving
The greatest loss........................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work.......................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.....................Selfishness
The most endangered species.................Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource.......................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"..................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.........................Fear

The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease....................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love

The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer................The brain
The worst thing to be without.... ................... Hope

The deadliest weapon...............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words......................."I Can"
The greatest asset......................................Faith

The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm

Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!!

This is one you'll like. Someone put in a lot of effort to compile this. Just click on the word "smile" below and get ready to enjoy.

SMILE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.
Unfortunately,the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may
suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a
stroke. Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking
three simple questions:

*Ask the individual to smile.

*Ask him or her to raise both arms.

*Ask the person to speak a simple sentence.

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately
and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify
facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the
general public to learn the three questions. They presented their
conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last
February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and
reatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10
people, you can bet that at least one life will be saved. Tell as many people as
possible about this. It could save their lives!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a
colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "Can we count you in?"

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,

"Is it serious, dear?"

"Oh yeah, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact. . .

there are three other doctors there already!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor. When he
arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and
wait in the next room.

"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my
clothes?"

"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse
politely. "It's our policy."

"Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at
my toe! Geeez!"

From the next room another man's voice piped up. . .

         "That's nothing! I just came here to fix the telephone!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde: My doctor is really nice to me.

Brunette: Oh yeah? How nice is he?

Blonde: Well, for starters, when he treated me for double pneumonia, he
only billed me for one pnuemonia!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jne calls the doctor, freaking out. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy
swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"

The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"

The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!"

The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"

Jane says "No."

"Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor.

"No." says Jimmy's mom.

The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?"

Again Jane says "No."

"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor.

"No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin...
shouldn't I do something?"

To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dot: My doctor told me to take something good for my cold.

Betty: Tell me, what did you take?

Dot: I took his coat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted an Irishman driving very
erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and
asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by
the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something
called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite
good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike
home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be
rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his
bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out
of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was
applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the
trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by
an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde
chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as
he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the
blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere
this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I
swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left
and there was ..." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off.
"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air
freshener swinging back and forth".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys met in the middle of the desert.
One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.

The one with the car door said to the guy with the
umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around,
it isn't going to rain in the desert?"

To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah",
but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are
you carrying around that car door, you don't even
have a car to go with it"

The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if
I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the wife of a lance corporal in the Marines, I have found the base commissary to have very long lines. After an interminable wait, a friend of mine had almost made it to the checkout counter.

From nowhere, a woman with a cart load of groceries pushed her way forward exclaiming, "I have to go next! I'm invited to a party at the general's house tonight."

Annoyance showed on many faces, until someone farther down the line spoke up. "You can go to the end of the line," she said. "I'm the one giving the party."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.

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http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Dixon trying to turn series into 2-man race with Franchitti By TERESA M. WALKER, AP Sports Writer July 16, 2007 GLADEVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- If Scott Dixon and Dario Franchitti keep racing like this, the IndyCar Series points race will be a two-man competition. Franchitti leads the points through 11 races thanks to his three victories, including the Indianapolis 500, and his consistency. But Dixon, the man who had been coming up short of victory lane, now can't do anything but win. Dixon won the rain-delayed Firestone Indy 200 on Sunday for his second straight IndyCar Series victory, becoming the 14th driver on this series to win consecutive races. Still, Franchitti managed to finish second for his 10th finish of fifth or better this year. ``Yeah, it's getting old,'' Dixon said. ``We've had two bad races so far this season. Not that I wish any bad luck on Dario, but we're due for ... one.'' Dixon, who won last week at Watkins Glen, started on the pole. He only had to look to his right to see Franchitti beside him on the front row at the Nashville Superspeedway, and Franchitti passed him on the opening lap and was at the front. Then Dixon dipped to the inside on lap 88 and passed Franchitti, who had Dan Wheldon to his right, for the lead that he grabbed and ran away with in leading 105 laps for his second consecutive victory at the superspeedway. That victory pared Franchitti's points lead down to 34. Wheldon now trails by 97 points followed by Tony Kanaan (103) and Sam Hornish Jr. (105). Kanaan dropped in the points after a crash on lap 36 knocked him out of the race. Franchitti said there's still time for one of those drivers to work his way into the thick of the points race. ``It's looking more and more like a two-horse race,'' Franchitti said. ``But the problem you've got is there's probably six or seven cars can win each race. You've got to beat those guys.'' Dixon, who had the fastest car here in qualifying and in practice, would have had a bigger winning margin than 2.24 seconds with an average speed of 164.030 mph if not for a late caution. Lapped traffic that helped slow down the leaders kept Franchitti from making a serious run at Dixon. Danica Patrick tied her career-best finish of third earlier this year at Texas. Sam Hornish Jr. was fourth followed by Marco Andretti. Franchitti admitted he worried about trying to protect his spot in the points race instead of risking a pass earlier in the race. He had seen his teammate Kanaan, who is very good at holding onto a loose car, end his own race by losing his car in the bits of rubber chewed off the tires by the concrete track. ``Had I not been in the fight for the championship, I would have probably stuck the thing out in the marbles and see if I could have made the big outside pass,'' Franchitti said. ``I'd look pretty stupid to be in the position we're in with the car sitting in a smoking heap on the exit of Turn 2.'' Only eight of the 18 cars finished on the lead lap, and Patrick particularly pointed out Ed Carpenter, who finished 13th and three laps down, for slowing down the leaders. ``You need to let the people at the front have their race,'' Patrick said. ``That's what held me up the most. Carpenter was not cooperating, and we'll address that. There's no doubt about it.'' The race was the first IndyCar Series event delayed a day by rain since June 2000 at Texas Motor Speedway. Dixon and his team made only a few changes to adapt a car from what was scheduled as a Saturday night race under the lights to a steamy day race. That almost was a problem with too much downforce, giving too much grip. ``A little too much drag in this car, it's going to be too slow. ... As the day heated up, the track just got worse. We had enough grip to be good in traffic and keep it flat when we needed to,'' Dixon said. The IndyCar Series now heads to Ohio for the fifth straight week of racing. Franchitti is hot with his three victories, including the Indianapolis 500. He has finished in the top five in 10 of this year's 11 races, including eight where he has been third or better. Dixon likes where he's at, closing in on Franchitti and the lead. ``We've kind of got nothing to lose now. We can just go as hard as we possibly can and try and go for race wins. That's what we struggled with at the first part of the season where maybe we were a little too reserved,'' he said. ``Now we've got to go all out and try to get as many wins as possible.''

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