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Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

THURSDAY JULY  19,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: You know, we make fun of President Bush. But seriously, it's nice to have a president who is busy coloring eggs instead of trying to fertilize them. - Jay Leno

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was
better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and
he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Michigan girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot food was to be on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything, but... by the third day?. . .

    most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
his left eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If my body were a car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not
the worst of it. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They
were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's
old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are
sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all! belts when Ben &Jerry's opened a
shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have
these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I
have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and
seen many things, but when' s the last time an appraiser factored life
experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and
it's especially hard to see things up close. My reaction is not as
graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things
even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose
veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I'm burning fuel at
an inefficient rate. But here's the worst of it - almost every time I
sneeze, cough or sputter - I leak oil. I'm so ready for a trade in!
Anyone know where I can get a good deal?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do little girls whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two horse thieves were arrested by a posse of cowboys, who decide to
hang them for their crimes.

Unable to find any trees, the cowboys take the rustlers to a bridge and
tie a rope around the first man's neck. Unfortunately, the rope breaks
and the theif falls into the river below and he swims off to safety.

As they tightened the noose around the second man's neck, he manages to
stammer...

"I sure hope t-t-this is a strong rope."

"Why's that?" asks one of the cowboys.

          "Because," gulped the thief, "I can't swim!"
         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bobby, a devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending
fences on uncle Jack's farm.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its
mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book
out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, with
great joy..."It's a miracle!" "Not Really," said the cow. "Your name is
written inside the cover."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his ! dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Treee. "Ees"
"Ees"
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"
~~~~~~~~GOOFPROOF~~~~~~~~~~
My wife, Melissa, was planning to attend a conference and was looking at airline schedules on the Internet. As she checked different combinations of flights, she mistakenly keyed in a return time that was before the departure time, only to see this message appear on the computer screen: "Sorry, time travel is not permitted."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first morning of the honeymoon was quite a scare for Trump's new wife.
She woke up and saw what his hair looked like in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One child to another: "I have to go to bed at seven thirty. My mother is half an hour meaner than yours."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shortly after we were married, my husband, Glen, and I had a dinner party for some of his colleagues whom we didn't know well. I was nervous, but everything seemed fine. As our guests were leaving, they admired an antique rifle displayed on the wall. When they asked what the story behind it was, Glen explained, "My father-in-law gave it to me...right after the wedding."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LIFE SAVING ADVICE
I have a new hero. I just read today about a Slovak man who was trapped in his car under an avalanche and freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realized the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-liter bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realized he could urinate on the snow to melt it.

He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.

One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our son, who's in the Army stationed in Georgia, invited my husband and me for a visit.

After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He pointed to a sign that read, "Sonny's Bar-B-Q--Tank Parking Available."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the medical office where I was a secretary, I called the hospital X-ray department to get an urgent verbal report of a patient's test results. The technician I spoke to began to read what was obviously going to be a lengthy, detailed report. With the doctor standing beside me impatiently waiting for the clue to his patient's diagnosis, I interrupted the technician to ask, "Please just read me the bottom line."

She cheerfully obliged. "Thank you for referring your patient."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was placed in intensive care, tubes everywhere, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, etc. A few days later, one of the men had the strength to raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and said, "Jimmy."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they tried again. The first man pointed to himself and said, "Scottish." The second man said, "Irish." Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep.

In another couple of days they were at it again. Jimmy summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow." Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they had the strength to try again right away. Jimmy says, "Cancer."

Paddy replied, "Sagittarius." 
 

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**** ON THIS DAY ****

Heaven again

A man and his dog were walking along a
road. The man was enjoying the scenery,
when it suddenly occurred to him that he
was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog
had been dead for years. He wondered
where the road was leading them. After a
while, they came to a high, white stone
wall along one side of the road. It looked
like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it
was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the
sunlight. When he was standing before it,
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother of pearl, and the street
that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate.

As he got closer, he saw a man at a desk
to one side. When he was close enough, he
called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some
water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have
some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to
open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog,
"come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned
back toward the road and continued the way
he had been going. After another long walk,
and at the top of another long hill, he came to
a dirt road which led through a farm gate that
looked as if it had never been closed. There
was no fence. As he approached the gate, he
saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you
have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man
pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from
outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured
to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough,
there was an old fashioned hand pump with a
bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and
took a long drink himself, then he gave some
to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog
walked back toward the man who was standing
by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The
man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street
and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your
name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're
just happy that they screen out the folks who'll
leave their best friends behind."

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a

personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-19-

William Roy Hardison "Gully Jumpers," born Maury Country, TN 1896.

Fred Kirby, recording artist/deejay, born Charlotte, NC 1910.

Sue Thompson, born Nevada, MO 1926.

George Hamilton IV, "The International Ambassador of Country Music" born Winston-Salem, NC 1937.

Billy Parker, singer/songwriter/country music deejay, born Okemah, OK 1937.

Commander Cody, born George Frayne IV, Ann Arbor, MI 1944.

Bernie Leadon, of the "Eagles" born Minneapolis, MN 1947.

Tex Williams "Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! That Cigarette" went to #1 1947.

Kitty Wells' "It Wasn't God Who Made Honkey Tonk Angels," charted 1952.

SUN Records released Elvis Presley's debut single, (Sun 209) "That's All Right Mama," in 1954.

Johnny Cash recorded "Tennessee Flat-Top Box" 1961.

Ray Charles' "I Can't Stop Loving You" certified gold 1962.

Johnny Rivers recorded "Poor Side of Town," 1966.

Kenny Rogers debuted on the country charts with "Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town" 1969. Mel Tillis wrote the crossover hit.

Lefty Frizzell, age 47, died in 1975, after suffering a stroke. Lefty joined the Grand Ole Opry 1951. Elected NSHF 1972, and the CMHF 1982.

Johnny Lee's "Lookin' For Love" charted 1980.

"Roy Orbison Day," was celebrated in Odessa, TX 1981.

Dottie West was injured in a car wreck 1991.

Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett's #1 country hit "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" charted 2003.

Heidi Newfield, lead singer for Trick Pony, along with her husband Bill Johnson, were injured in an automobile accident in Destin, FL 2004. Heidi, was released from the hospital the next day, Bill required surgery on his crushed hand.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Sara Upbeat About New Single

Sara Evans feels that her current single, “As If,” is perfect for this feel-good time of year.

July 17, 2007 – “It’s definitely a top-down, summertime kind of song,” says Sara. “It’s all about having a positive attitude and making a decision to close your eyes to anything negative because you feel positive about this new person in your life, or a new job that you’re starting, or whatever it might be. It’s a great attitude for all of us to have.” The single is the first from Sara’s upcoming Greatest Hits CD, due later this year.


Leave it to Vince to serenade undies

By BEVERLY KEEL

In a new song and video, serious musician Vince Gill sings the praises of underwear with so much passion that you'd think he was crooning about a doughnut.

In "Daddy Was the Apple of My Eye," Vince sings, "No castle in the South of France/but what we had were underpants/That made us feel like royalty." Duet partner and mono-monikered Apple then sings, "his hands were hard/his waist band soft." The video also features several other grown men dressed in fruit costumes playing instruments.


No, this isn't a new Notorious Cherry Bombs record, but an ad campaign for Bowling Green, Ky.-based Fruit of the Loom, which began airing the commercials on Thursday on cable and network television stations.

Vince didn't write the song — it was penned through a collaboration with Fruit of the Loom execs and their ad agency — but he recorded it in Nashville and shot the video in Los Angeles a few months ago.

Tighty-whitey Vince, who I think is acting like a pantywaist, has clammed up and won't comment, and neither will his management, not even briefly. Apparently they find this whole topic unmentionable.

The spots are already generating numerous calls and e-mails, says Fruit of the Loom's John Shivel. "The great thing about Vince is that he's an artist that really brings comfort to all of his fans with his music, just like the Fruit guys bring comfort to all of the customers out there who wear our product. It's a natural fit, pardon the pun."

"We'll run it throughout the end of the year," says John. "We don't have our media plans put together for 2008, but I imagine we'll run it again next year, too. We always do a new commercial every year, but some of the classics we'll run for a couple of years, and we definitely think this one is a classic. I don't think it's something people will tire of."

I think it's something we can all get behind.

If she's Beyonce-Z, it won't be here

Did you hear the rumor that Beyonce will wed longtime boyfriend Jay-Z in Nashville this week? Turns out it was started by her father, Matthew Knowles, but he was only kidding.

Matthew jokes with Us magazine, "I hope it's either on the Nashville date (Wednesday at the Sommet Center) or the San Antonio date (July 15), because we need to sell more tickets in these cities."

Actually, he says, the couple is not engaged, but if they did marry, "I would only be happy for her. I really like Jay-Z. He's a nice guy."


Gore's sleepover with a star

National reports say Al Gore spent the night with a gorgeous Hollywood star in a fabulous villa on Italy's Lake Como, and Tipper isn't mentioned as being anywhere nearby.

According to In Touch, Al shacked up June 16 with George Clooney when he was in Italy to give a speech at Fabrica, a division of Benetton, on climate change. The magazine reports that it's believed that George discussed the environment and the Darfur crisis with Al. I would imagine some great food was enjoyed as well. 

Tim McGraw, Faith Hill opt for bread and water in Chicago

Tuesday, July 17, 2007 – After Tim McGraw and Faith Hill performed their "Soul2Soul Tour 2007" show at the United Center in Chicago on Friday night July 13th, the couple hosted a "Bread & Water" show in front of several thousand fans at the downtown House of Blues, something that McGraw has been doing for about seven years.

Music started around 12:30 a.m. and finished 4 hours later. The special show was announced via WUSN radio in Chicago on Friday morning. Fan lines began forming around House of Blues early that morning and by show time hundreds of fans had to be turned away due to the building's crowd capacity.

After performances from Halfway to Hazard with tunes such as ZZ Top's "Tush" and Lance Miller's rendition of Tom Petty's "Southern Accents," McGraw took the stage to join his band the Dancehall Doctors, who were performing "Every Time I Roll The Dice."

McGraw then Steve Miller's "the Joker" and was joined on stage by Chicago's own Jim Belushi, who was jamming on harp. Hill entered the stage as a "background singer" for McGraw's Elvis infused "Suspicions Minds" and then took the spotlight to sing an Aretha Franklin medley of "Think" and "Do Right Man" followed by a soul-stirring rendition of "Bridge Over Troubled Water." Belushi later took the stage again to perform the blues chestnut "Sweet Home Chicago."

McGraw's "Bread & Water" shows, which were started by McGraw in 2000, are intimate club gigs that allow McGraw, Hill and band to perform material of their choosing - everything from their own hits to Boz Scaggs and Aretha Franklin. Highlights from years past have included surprise guest appearances by Kid Rock, Peyton Manning, Sheryl Crow and Reba McEntire.

All proceeds from this "Bread & Water" show will benefit the Mercy Home for Boys and Girls of Chicago as well as the couple's Neighbor's Keeper Foundation.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Creamy Chocolate Baked Pie

cups white sugar
5 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 (12 fluid ounce) can evaporated milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 egg yolks
1/4 cup butter
1 recipe pastry for a 9 inch single crust pie
4 egg whites
1/4 cup white sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). In a saucepan, whisk
together 2 cups sugar, cocoa and flour. Blend in evaporated milk and
vanilla. Beat egg yolks, and stir into pan. Add the butter or
margarine. Heat, stirring constantly just until butter is melted.
Pour filling into unbaked pie shell.
Bake in preheated oven for 35 to 40 minutes, or until pie is
not "wobbly" when shaken. Beat egg whites until soft peaks form.
Gradually add 1/4 cup sugar, beating constantly, until stiff peaks
form. Spread meringue on pie. Return pie to oven, and bake until
meringue is golden.



**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What is the significance of Fat Tuesday?

We learned that " Mardi Gras" is French for "Fat Tuesday," and that this festive occasion is the last day before the Catholic observance of Lent. Lent is a period of penitence before Easter. In the early Christian Church, the ritual of baptism was primarily performed on Easter Sunday, and people would fast and pray for several days or more before they were baptized. This practice and similar traditions grew into the Lent season that lasts 40 days before Easter. In the Middle Ages, faithful Christians eliminated meat, eggs, milk, and other luxurious foods from their diet during Lent, and spent additional time in prayer. Lent begins on Ash Wednesday, so named because priests place an ash mark on worshippers' foreheads to symbolize mortality.

Human nature being what it is, people began holding indulgent pre- Lent celebrations at an early date. The word "carnival" comes from the Latin for "farewell to flesh" -- so Carnival (another name for Mardi Gras) can be seen as a time to say good-bye to fleshly pleasures that will soon be denied. Early Christians in Rome used the old pagan festivals as a model for their Carnival, and European Christians continued the celebration. The day before Ash Wednesday became known as Fat Tuesday because people indulged in the meat and fatty foods that they would forsake during Lent.

Fat Tuesday is also known as Shrove Tuesday. The word "shrove" is derived from the Latin scribere, meaning "to prescribe penance," a fitting description for the day before Lent. Pancakes somehow became associated with this day, perhaps because people needed to use up the eggs and lard that were forbidden during Lent.

Because the date of Fat Tuesday is determined by the date of Easter (calculated on the lunar calendar), it falls on a different date between February 3 and March 9 every year.





****A PARTING THOUGHT ****


"If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound."
Red Green

LAST CALL Y'ALL

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and
hands the executive his application.

The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant
has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. It
looks like you've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application.

          "At least I'm not a quitter."


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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