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Subject: The Daily Funnies - July20, 2007



 
 

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.


Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.

Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.


No Bubbs, ya dumb bunny

T G I F
FRIDAY JULY  20,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: We men are like fine wine. We start out asgrapes and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn us into something acceptable to have dinner with

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He

thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to

clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to

leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with

milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said,
(GET READY!!!)

*
*
*
*
*

"No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jane, a blonde, went into a hardware store and bought a box of
mothballs. The next day she returned again and purchased a second box.

When she came back a third time, the salesperson's curiosity got the
best of him and he says,

"You sure must have a lot of moths in your house, lady! That's the 3rd
large box you're buying."

"Oh, I do," says Jane. "And I can't take it anymore. I've been throwing
these little balls at them for two days and I haven't hit a single one
yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cowboy rides into town on a Friday. He stays for just three days, and
then rides out on a Friday again.
      HOW CAN THAT BE???

The horse is named Friday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two missionaries were walking down the sidewalk when they were confronted by a Baptist minister who stopped in fron of them and angrily declared, "I don't step aside for ministers of false religions!" The missionaries smilled, and said "We do!" as the stepped into the street and walked on.

As they continued on their way, they were confronted by a Catholic Priest who greeted them by saying "Good morning you sons of the Devil!" to which they replied, "Good morning, Father!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son, along with a female classmate, was heading back to college afer
a weekend at home.

A large dark colored pickup truck started to tail them as they drove
through town. It matched them turn for turn down every street. My son's
concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking driver pulled next to
him at a light., leaned out his window, and glared into my son's car.

After a long hard stare, the man's stone face softened., and he actually
grinned. He then called to my son...

      "Sorry, . . . thought that was my daughter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my sister was 14 years old, my mom found her and her boyfriend in Chrissy's room. Mom "chased" the boyfriend downstairs and firmly told both of them that there were not to be any boys upstairs. The day after Chrissy and her husband, Matt, got married, after dating for seven years, they came over to my parents for dinner. Matt, standing by the banister, said to Mom: "Can I go upstairs now?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to avoid the flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take
your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a
day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead
of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR
Take the doctor's office approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with
alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So..... I walk to the liquor
store (exercise). I put lime in my Corona (fruit). Celery in my Bloody
Mary (veggie). Drink outdoor at the patio bar (fresh air). Get drunk,
tell jokes, laugh (relieve stress). Then pass out (rest).

The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

Cheers! It's five oclock somewhere!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to MyFunCards.com, you can get hundreds
of free greeting cards with no subscription fees.
Ever.
And the cards are perfect for any holiday, event,
or just to say hi!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** TODAY'S POWER POINTS ****
Steff Will You Marry Me Ask A Tennis star to marry you?
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12035.htm

To see the PPS you must have a PPS viewer. To obtain it, go to
http://office.Microsoft.com/Downloads/2000/Ppview97.aspx
PPS viewer for mac 9 computers
http://rcn.mac.tucows.com/preview/206534.html

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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In white only?

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**** Reader's Submissions ****

Amanda's Cool Site
The Norwegian SS Volunteers
       World War II has a history that has always been of interest in my family. When you think about it, it's very intricate. There were all sorts of factions involved. Some that come to the forefront of our minds and some we never think about. I, for one, believe in studying history in the hopes that it doesn’t repeat itself.
       In my education on World War II, the Norwegians have been completely overlooked. So, I was very interested to learn more when I found this Web site. Did you know that they served in almost every aspect of the war? This site focuses on the units that were almost completely Norwegian.
       You’ll find navigation on the side menu. The sections are: SS Division “Wiking,” Frw. Legion Norwegen, The Police Companies, SS Skijeger Bat. Norge, Kaprolat & Hassolman, F. K. Posters & Art, Combat Helmets, Insignia, The Frontkjemper Badge, 8 May 1945 and Forward and Forum.
       The sections SS Division “Wiking,” Frw. Legion Norwegen, The Police Companies and SS Skijeger Bat. Norge are sections devoted to the different Norwegian companies that were put together during the war. It was interesting to me to find that one of the reasons given for the Norwegians joining the war in the first place was to fight the Russians on the border of Finland and serve in all Norwegian units with Norwegian commanders and uniforms. These sections are peppered with pictures of the troops during their time of service as well.
       Kaprolat & Hassolman is a section devoted to these two battlefields. I would like to warn you that there are pictures of human remains in this section. They went back and visited the battlefields and took pictures of what they found. You’ll also find a nice bit of background history of these battles explained on this page. The pictures were taken in 2003 and 2005, which really drives home how untouched these areas were after the war.
       The sections F.K. Posters and Art, Combat Helmets, Insignia and The Frontkjemper Badge are devoted to the items of the war. From the recruitment posters and art from the front to the helmets and insignia they wore, you’ll find it all here. I think the insignia section was my favorite, because you get to see the men in their uniforms, mostly outside of war interactions. And by that, I mean the photos are more like portraits.
       8 May 1945 - Sadly, in Norway, the war didn’t end in 1945. Most of the men and women who had served in the war were considered traitors and were prosecuted. Here you can learn all about what happened after the war. There is one disturbing image on this page of a man who committed suicide. (It is one of the first pictures and you can scroll right past it if you want). After being released from their sentences, those that served could not vote and found it hard to find jobs, so they banded together as a community. They even had their own newspaper up until 2003.
       Forum – Here you can chat with other people about the Norwegian SS Volunteers. There are some posts in English, but a lot are filled with Norwegian, I’m guessing.
       I hope you learned as much as I did about this aspect of World War II. It's all very interesting and I hope you take the time to check it out! http://www.frontkjemper.com/ from www.worldstart.com


**** ON THIS DAY ****

AN OLD MAN'S HANDS

The last two or three years my Mom would stare at her hands and say,
"Look how ugly my hands have gotten." She just hated the
way her hands had gotten in her old age. I wish she could have read
this.

An old man, probably some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the park
bench. He didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at
his hands. When I sat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my
presence
and the longer I sat I wondered if he was ok.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on
him
at the same time, I asked him if he was ok. He raised his
head and looked at me and smiled.

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," he said in a clear strong
voice.

"I didn't mean to disturb you, sir, but you were just sitting here
staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were ok?" I
explained to him.

"Have you ever looked at your hands?" he asked. "I mean really
looked
at your hands."

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them
over,
palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never
really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point he was
making.

Then he smiled and related this story:

Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have
served you well throughout your years. These hands, though
wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my
life
to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and
caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put
food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my
mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and
pulled
on my boots. They dried the tears of my children and
caressed the love of my life.

They held my rifle and wiped my tears when I went off to war. They
have
been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were
uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated
with
my wedding band they showed the world that I was
married and loved someone special.

They wrote the letters home and trembled and shook when I buried my
parents and spouse and walked my daughter down the
aisle. Yet, they were strong and sure when I dug my buddy out of a
foxhole and lifted a plow off of my best friends foot. They have
held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I
didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my
hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body.

They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And
to
this day when not much of anything else of me works real
well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold
in
prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and
the ruggedness of my life. But more importantly it will be these
hands
that God will reach out and take when he leads me home.
And He won't care about where these hands have been or what they have
done. What He will care about is to whom these hands
belong and how much He loves these hands. And with these hands He
will
lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to
touch the face of Christ.

No doubt I will never look at my hands the same again. I never saw
the
old man again after I left the park that day but I will never
forget him and the words he spoke. When my hands are hurt or sore or
when I stroke the face of my children and wife, I think of the
man in the park. I have a feeling he has been stroked and caressed
and
held by the hands of God. I, too, want to touch the face of
God and feel his hands upon my face. Thank you, God,

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Come ye blessed of my Father and inherit the kingdom I've
prepared for you. For when I was hungry
you gave me food, when I was thirsty you
gave me drink, a stranger and you took me in."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How about a constitutional amendment that declares
anything said in a campaign speech to be under oath?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

  • THE HONDA 200
    Race 12 of 17
    Sunday, July 22
    1:30 p.m. on ABC

    Talkback: Switch in the No. 17

    Ryan Hunter-Reay will be immersed in IndyCar Series racing this weekend when he takes the No. 17 Team Ethanol Dallara/Honda/Firestone onto the Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course for the inaugural Honda 200 at Mid-Ohio presented by Westfield Insurance.

    Rahal Letterman Racing announced that Hunter-Reay will replace Jeff Simmons in the entry for the remaining six races of the season. Full Story »

    **** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

    -20-

    J. E. Mainer, fiddler/band leader/recording artist, born Buncombe County, NC 1898.

    Cindy Walker born near Mart, TX 1918. Cindy is a charter member of The Nashville Songwriters Hall Of Fame (1971.) CMHF 1997, and the Texas CMHF 1998. Cindy is arguably the best female songwriter in Country music history.

    Buddy Knox born Happy, TX 1933.

    Ralph Rinzler, of "The Greenbriar Boys," and promoter/musician, born Passaic, NJ 1934.

    Sleepy LaBeef born Thomas Paulsley LaBeef, Smackover, AR 1935.

    Billboard magazine published it's first best selling singles list 1940.

    T. G. Sheppard, born "William Neal Browder" in Humbolt, TN 1944.

    Kim Carnes born Los Angeles, CA 1945.

    Rose Maddox released "My Little Baby," 1959.

    Radney Foster, singer/songwriter, born Del Rio, TX 1959.

    Faron Young's "Country Girl" charted 1959.

    Dave Dudley's single "Six Days On The Road" charted 1963.

    Capitol Records released Buck Owens' album "Together Again/My Heart Skips A Beat," 1964.

    Willie Nelson's "Stardust" went gold 1978.

    Clay Davidson and eight members of his band and crew were injured when their tour bus Crashed in Effingham, IL, in 2001. All were treated and released from a local hospital and immediately returned to Nashville for recovery.

    Gary Allan's single "The One" debuted on Billboard's Top 40 chart 2002.



     **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

    Paisley, Big & Rich lead country music charts

    Thursday, July 19, 2007 – Big & Rich and Brad Paisley continued their run on the Billboard song and album charts for the week ending July 28 with chart toppers "Lost in This Moment" and "5th Gear" respectively.

    On the song chart, Kenny Chesney jumped three spots to second with "Never Wanted Nothing More," the first song from his next album. Keith Urban's "I Told You So" was up one to third, while George Strait's "Wrapped" was down two to fourth. Taylor Swift went to fifth, up two, with her second single, "Teardrops on My Guitar."

    Bucky Covington broke into the top 10 - at 10 - with "A Different World," the first single from his debut disc. Rascal Flatts looks like it has another hit on its hands as "Take Me There" jumped from 24th to 19th in its second week on the charts.

    Paisley stayed atop the album chart for the fourth straight week. Swift was second, up one, with her self-titled CD. Toby Keith's "Big Dog Daddy" dropped one place to third, while Carrie Underwood stayed fourth with "Some Hearts." Big & Rich remained fifth with "Between Raising Hell And Amazing Grace."

    The only big mover on the charts was Eric Church's "Sinners Like Me," up 8 to 23rd.

    On the overall top 200, Paisley was 14th, Swift 21st, Keith 27th, Underwood 29th and Big & Rich 30th.

     
    Charlie Daniels and Bomshel's Kristy O. performed "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" at The Home For A Hero


    (Nashville, Tenn) July 18th, 2007 -- Charlie Daniels and Bomshel's Kristy O. performed "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" at The Home For A Hero concert at Greer Stadium in Nashville, Tennessee. Proceeds from the concert will fund the design and construction of a custom home for 22-year-old soldier Kevin Downs, who was severely wounded in Iraq in August 2005.


    Bomshel performed their forthcoming single “The Power Of One,” an uplifting song about the impact that one person can have in making a positive difference in the world. “Buffy and I are honored to be a part of this event,” said Bomshel's Kristy O. “We can’t imagine what this young man has been through," added Buffy Lawson. "We're happy to have the opportunity to honor his bravery and to help create a brighter, more independant future for him."


    For more information on Bomshel, please visit www.bomshel.com. For interview, album, or photo requests, please contact AristoMedia at publicity@aristomedia.com.




    **** Amy's Kitchen ****  

    APPLE DUMPLINGS

    5 apples
    10 canned biscuits
    1-1/2 c. sugar
    1-1/2 c. water
    1-1/2 sticks butter
    Dash of cinnamon
    1 tsp. vanilla

    Peel, quarter and remove core of apples. Roll out biscuits and cut in
    half. Roll around apple quarters. Place in sheet pan. Sprinkle with
    cinnamon, set aside. Mix sugar and water and bring to boil. Add
    vanilla and pour over apples. Melt butter, pour over apples and bake
    at 325 degrees for 1 hour.




**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****


What is the difference between a black light and a normal light bulb?


Black lights come in two varieties -- fluorescent tube and incandescent bulb. Each type works slightly differently, but both are very similar to their normal white-light cousins.

Fluorescent tube lights are glass tubes that contain a near- vacuum with a little mercury vapor. When electricity is passed through the tube and reacts with the mercury, it creates light. The mercury atoms emit energy in the form of light photons. These photos are mostly in the ultraviolet (UV) range of the light spectrum. We can't see this light, so a white phosphor coating on the light tube is used to convert the UV energy into visible light.

A black light works the same way, except the tube is made of dark blue glass, and it is coated with a special phosphor that blocks visible light and harmful UV rays. Only the rays of UV light that are harmless pass through, along with a little bit of blue and violet visible light, resulting in the distinctive glow of a black light.

The incandescent bulb type of black light also uses dark-blue glass, but a filter inside the bulb absorbs visible light and lets harmless UV light through. This is because of the differences in how incandescent lights and fluorescent lights work. Bulb black lights are generally less powerful than tube black lights.

When you see something glow under a black light, that item contains phosphors, which glow in UV light. Teeth, fingernails, and some bodily fluids naturally contain phosphors, and this makes black lights useful in criminal forensics. Many laundry detergents contain phosphors to make white clothes look brighter, which explains why white T-shirts may glow at a rave. Fluorescent and glow-in-the-dark paints, inks, fabrics, plastics, and makeup all contain phosphors to give them a nifty glow. There's even a fluorescent security thread in paper currency from the U.S. and other countries that shows up under black light and acts as a deterrent to counterfeiting.




****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are
willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.


LAST CALL Y'ALL

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.

I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."

"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"

"A student told me," I answered.

"We'll send someone over right away."

Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
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Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
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Carlisle, IN 47838-0521
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