Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

GRINS, GIGGLES or GROANERS is sent to you "Just for the Fun of It"
with hopes of bringing you a few smiles or a hearty belly laugh.
These jokes come from all over and chances are you might recall
seeing them before. WE feel every one can use a few GGG every so
often....also because we know LAUGHTER is CONTAGIOUS and everyone
should be a carrier!!!

So here we go with this edition of GRINS< GIGGLES OR GROANERS!!
HAVE FUN and grab a few laffs!!!

≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤ Morris complained to his friend Irving that lovemaking with his wife
was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the
monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what
I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you
make it last for an hour?""That's easy... just keep her in the
waiting room for 59 minutes!"

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William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to
celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/
casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short
skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely.
Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you
were so rude." "Mildred, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you.
That sweet, young thing? "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie
to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with
the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was
a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling
her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she
said. William asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100
tips for special services." William was taken aback. "$125! I was
thinking more in the range of $25." Candie laughed derisively. "You
must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After
she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe
it." William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up
behind William, pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get
for $25?"

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Guest swears on kids show
Infomercial Guy
Yoga Guy
Playing chicken with a fighter jet
Bottled Music
Spinning Ape
Dancin Man
You think you're having a bad day?
New Dads
Crazy Ladies
I am your leader
Moron in a Helicopter
News lady crashes Vespa
Scary Gun Rental Guy
4 Year Old Motorcycle Stunt Rider
Little girl Vs Monster
Toilet Humor
Very weird birds
The B-ball archade champ:
Chicken cop
Dynamite Surfing:
What to do
Humpy Dog
Chimp Washing Cat
Giving birth instructional video
The dog that never learned to bark.
Amazing ping pong volley
Dealing with your son's monkey spanking
Summer fun on the water
Toilet Attack
State of the Union
Gran with a machine gun
Extreme Cuteness Warning
Scuba Diving Kitty
Kitty earns his keep
Skigliding the Eiger
Crook having a bad night
Why this news guy is unemployed
Skate Car

Gibbleguts Daily News July 16th
Recommend GG Daily News to friends: Send them Here

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to
bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a
discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we
settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be
mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows,
but I ain't givin' him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here
three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are
mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my
cows!

Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only
let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you
fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my
cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls
up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the
biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700
pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp
to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I
really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can
spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking
for an argument. They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull,
and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he
knows I'm a bull.

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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Vancouver. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit
as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What
man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons
tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed
drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed... "Give the
ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman
chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around
at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man
here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk
slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina
another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk
replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a
ballerina!"

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90
year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After
spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather
prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a
film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather
asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're
as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish
your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John
was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks
around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure
these plat es are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I
told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can
get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about
it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and
as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and
wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog
won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the
football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ....
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

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A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually
finding one, he begged: "Please come back to the bar with me. My dad
is in a fight!" The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he
found three men involved in a violent fistfight. "Ok, son," said the
cop, "which one is your father?" "I don't know," said the boy.
"That's what they're fighting about!"

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs.
Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the
Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived
as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.
Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?"
Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive
for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't
tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the
test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare
will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I
supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop
your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way
home, don't sleep with him."

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A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for
everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown
Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat,
a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper
boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

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While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona caf?,
four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses,
and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy,
aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary
soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man
asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our
25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for
our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

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Some engineers from the USGS surveyed a piece of property and found
that in a particular area, the New Hampshire and Maine border needed
to be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that due to a mix-up,
his site was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't
take another one of these Maine winters."

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1. 10 reasons Adam was the luckiest man
-----------------------------------------
1. He is the only man who has never been
compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.

9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the
word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The
woman you gave me was reading the map."

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A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest
hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's
the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going
to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "Not if the month is up today!

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Animals Thoughts
-----------------------------------
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they
don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh
boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already
KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle
to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must
continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns
ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Dog: "Human legs that just tease."

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

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Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

Husband: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."

Wife: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

Husband: "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time
now, so just give me the good news."

Wife: "Well, the air bag works."

≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤ A few years ago when the big quake hit the L.A. area, part of the
damage included the totaling of a car which belonged to a tourist
from out of state.

When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they rejected it.
When asked why the claim was not covered, the insurance company said
it was because the tourist had ... a no-fault policy.

After losing out this way, the policyholder tried to start a
citizen's organization to fight this kind of rip-off from happening
again. He called it the San Andreas Fund. However nothing came of it,
hardly anyone contributed to aid the fund in its efforts. The general
feeling was that charity is one thing ... but this
was being generous to a fault

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥ A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach
him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband
returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the
sofa and screamed.

"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I
married your sister."

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Two men were talking about their families when one said, "I'll bet
I've got the most stupid kid in the whole world. Just watch this."

Calling the boy over, he told him, "Son, here's $5.00. I want you to
go down town and buy me a Cadillac." So, the boy puts the $5.00 in
his pocket and walks off.

Watchng all that, the other man said, "You think that's stupid, just
watch this." He calls his son and says, "Say, Son, why don't you run
home and see if you're still there." With that, the boy leaves.

A few minutes later both boys meet and begin talking. One says to the
other, "I'll bet I've got the most stupid dad in the world. He just
gave me $5.00 and told me to go down town and buy him a Cadillac but he
didn't even tell me what color."

"You think that's stupid," the other boy said, "My dad just told me
to run home and see if I was there. Why, he was sitting right there
by phone and could'a just called home."- Sir Lawrence
FRED
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**** ON THIS DAY ****

1. (6) Scott Dixon, 85 laps, 107.222 mph, $123,400.
2. (5) Dario Franchitti, 85, $99,050.
3. (1) Helio Castroneves, 85, $102,050.
4. (3) Tony Kanaan, 85, $65,500.
5. (2) Danica Patrick, 85, $59,400.
6. (8) Darren Manning, 85, $53,900.
7. (10) Ryan Hunter-Reay, 85, $50,400.
8. (9) Buddy Rice, 85, $49,000.
9. (12) Tomas Scheckter, 85, $49,000.
10. (11) Dan Wheldon, 85, $47,400.
11. (15) Scott Sharp, 84, $45,800.
12. (13) Kosuke Matsuura, 84, $44,400.
13. (14) A.J. Foyt IV, 84, $43,000.
14. (7) Sam Hornish Jr., 84, $41,300.
15. (17) Sarah Fisher, 83, $39,900.
16. (16) Ed Carpenter, 82, $38,500.
17. (18) Vitor Meira, 54, mechanical $37,000.
18. (4) Marco Andretti, 0, contact $37,000.