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July26, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
 From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.   Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: An honest politician is one who,when he is bought, will stay bought. At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Types of Girls HARD-DISK Girls: She remembers everything FOREVER RAM Girls: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. WINDOWS Girls: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her. SCREENSAVER Girls: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! INTERNET Girls: Difficult to access. SERVER Girls: Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Girls: She makes horrible things look beautiful CD-ROM Girls: She is always faster and faster E-MAIL Girls: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. VIRUS Girls: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything........... ~~~~~~~~GOOFPROOF~~~~~~~~~~~~ An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, gee, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she giggled.. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yee-Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff! Eww!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THIS TOWN IS SO SMALL... The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell. Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions. McDonalds only has one Golden Arch. The phone book has only one page. The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2. The New Year's baby was born in October. The ZIP code is a fraction. The city limits signs are both on the same post. Second Street is in the next town over. There's no place to go that you shouldn't. A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SNAKE NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A good woman inspires a man; a brilliant woman interests him; a beautiful woman fascinates him; and a sympathetic woman gets him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ James Bennett, no fan of rival publisher William Randolph Hearst, was one day irked to discover that Hearst was plotting to buy his ailing New York Herald. Sure enough, he soon received correspondence from Hearst asking how much the newspaper would cost, and promptly sent a cable in return. His reply? "Price of Herald three cents daily. Five cents Sunday. Bennett." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LADIES If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mary: Today at the post office, a woman rushed up behind me in line after realizing she'd just deposited all her post cards for mailing wthout one important item: STAMPS! She was frantic to get to the postal clerk and admit to what she'd done. Jill: What did she say to you? Mary: Well, she asked to be allowed to go ahead of me, and she added "Have you ever made a big mistake?" I said, "Absolutely! I've been married three times!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sparkey's Day Out Carol Roach I had spent three whole years trying to get my husband to allow me to have a dog. Every time that I brought up the subject he would refuse. Coming from a different culture, he stayed steadfast in his belief that animals were not meant to come into the home. Animals were meant to remain outside and of course that was not a possibility in Canada, especially during the long cold winters. Finally after three years I had convinced him that I would take complete responsibility for the dog and it would be a good experience for our young son to have a dog of his own. Taffy's stay with us was short lived. She could not remain alone in the house and since both of us worked all day, Taffy would bark all day and annoy the landlord who owned the grocery store below us. He told us that we had to do something about the dog. We had no other choice but to find Taffy another home. Even though I only had Taffy for a week I was heartbroken. Once again I was without a dog. It appeared that my husband's love for me was much greater than his intolerance for animals and much to my surprise this time he suggested that we get another dog. Only now we would have to be more selective in our choice. Again my uncle came to my rescue. He had a friend that had two Pomeranians. The friend was leaving the country and could not take his dogs with him. My aunt took Kim, the female Pom and I was fortunate enough to get the Sparkey, the father. Kim was temperamental and did not like many people. I believed that I lucked out by getting the better tempered dog. Sparkey was an angel. He was gentle and kind. He was very quiet and very obedient. Apparently, he was also used to sleeping on the bed. The first night that Sparkey jumped up on our bed my husband took a fit. He said he had to draw the line somewhere. It was already enough for him to have a dog in the house but no dog was going to be given the privileges that should only be extended to humans. He didn't care how Canadians lived it was not about to happen in his house. Within a week Sparkey was sleeping on the bed and my husband would call him up if he hadn't already jumped up on his own. However my husband still would not do anything for the dog. That remained my responsibility. My son loved the dog. I was happy that my 3-year-old was finally enjoying all the pleasures that I received as a child by owning a dog. My son wanted to take the dog everywhere with us and whenever we could we would. Although Sparkey was completely housebroken, if he saw a newspaper he would do his business on it - a flashback from his training days no doubt. It never bothered us though, he was so good It was Saint Patrick's Day here in Montreal and my husband, my little boy, and I went to the parade. Of course we took Sparkey with us. Sparkey, the angel that he was just sat there quietly as we all watched the parade. When you stand on the sidewalk watching the parade go by people are coming and going all the time while trying to find a good vantage point to view the parade. A gentleman came and stood beside us. I remember that he wore a canvass pair of white shoes speckled with black. These shoes must have looked like newspaper to poor old Sparkey because as soon as the man stood beside us Sparkey lifted up his leg and you can guess the rest. I was dumbfounded; I didn't know what to say. The man looked at the dog, looked at my husband, looked at me and looked down at his shoe. Then even more shocking the man looked at me one more time and then just walked away. Honestly I was speechless I was so surprised at Sparkey that I didn't know what to say. My husband had been so involved in the parade while holding our son on his shoulders that he never paid any attention to the situation at hand. When I told him what happened he just busted out laughing. I couldn't contain myself I busted out laughing as well. I am sure the crowd thought we were crazy people. But Sparkey provided us with a Saint Patrick's Day that we will never forget. Carol Roach winterose @ Videotron.ca &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Reader's Submissions
**** I saw an angel
sitting
by the big willow tree, writing in a book with eyes searching me I was more intrigued as I watched her in awe, I had never seen an angel, well not a real one before I turned around to call my friends who were also there, then I realized they had gone there was no one anywhere I slowly walked on over as I looked up to the sky, I wanted to ask the reason but I was feeling rather shy I looked down onto the paper but the words could not be read, the ink I thought was invisible only the angel knew what it said Looking up at me with elegance and grace, as she invited me to sit I saw a smile upon her face These words you cannot see is all that I have learned, they only hold the truth then another page was turned She was writing my every thought whether bitter sad or kind, that is why it was invisible no one can read what's in my mind © abritelite **** ON THIS DAY **** Everyone Has Angels and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know you're getting old when you sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus hit mine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@joink.com subject Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS **** Mile-and-a-half package out of tune in Nashville
Ah, to be honest with you, I'm kind of glad that the
Nashville race is over. We went into the weekend knowing that our
mile-and-a-half package just wasn't doing the job this season. It's something we
need to work on and evaluate. To say we are still learning is an understatement.
Buddy Rice and I both qualified toward the back of the field at Nashville and it's really hard to pass at that track, so it was going to be a long day for both of us. Of course as soon as driver intros were over, there came the rain. Not just normal rain -- a torrential downpour. It was the first rain postponement since the Texas race in June 2000; that was a while ago. 
Sarah Fisher Having the race postponed by a day really turned the weekend into a long one; we've been going strong since the 21st of June. But, it is what it is, so we raced on Sunday. Our first pit stop was terrible as I hit my right rear tire changer's tire, which sent it sailing down pit road. Whoops. That's where the problems began, the race turned into a struggle for us and we didn't do much better than where we started (17th), finishing 15th. What a tough weekend. On Tuesday I had planned on going to New Castle MotorSports Park with Kyle (my fiance Andy's brother) to let him do some work in the shifter kart. I was also going to get some laps in before the weekend's race at Mid-Ohio. But again, rain plagued us all day, so I never made it out on track. Wednesday, it was back on the road, this time to Ohio -- my home state! On the way down, I did a one-hour satellite-radio tour with a variety of stations across the country: Syracuse, N.Y.; Columbus, Ohio; Hartford, Conn.; Baltimore; Madison, Wis.; and Atlanta. Here I'd been on radio stations all over and I hadn't even had my coffee yet! Ah yes, Exit 104 ... Starbucks! This is the route I take home when I head back to see Mom and Dad in Commercial Point. I did a few other interviews and discussed some other business with my publicist before we made it to our final destination (do I sound like a flight attendant?): Merrysville, Ohio. Grandma use to live here while she was still living, just down the street from the Honda plant. We had some lunch at Applebee's and in walked a group in all white. Here I thought the local pharmacists had come in for lunch, but instead it was workers from Honda. Into Honda we went and everyone was dressed in all white. Interesting. So along with the Scotts (Scott Dixon and Scott Sharp) and a few ALMS drivers, we had a plant tour, media and an autograph session planned. The tour of the plant was so cool. At this particular location, they made Elements (only place in world they are made), CR-Vs and Civics. CR-Vs were the cars on the production line at the time of our tour. Every five minutes, a robot would go by and you'd have to move out of its way; I really thought I was going to get run over more than once. Ha! Do you remember that movie with robots in it from the '90s? Boy, was it neat seeing all the different stations and seeing the cars move along the line to completion -- Dad would have really loved this! Then it was up to the cafeteria for some local media, then an autograph session for the employees and their families. By the end of it, I had gotten slaphappy so everything seemed funny. Good-bye to Honda and the Scotts, and it was back on the road. This time we were off to Akron. The All-American Soap Box Derby was in town so there were kids everywhere, which was cool. Some dinner and looking for an AT&T store rounded out the evening. Sharp and Dixon both have iPhones and my publicist, Klint, has been telling me all about them so we thought we would go play with them a bit but, alas, COB (close of business) had been reached. Ugh! Thursday we had our annual Racing for Kids visit; we were at Akron Children's Hospital. Robbie Buhl met us there with his daughter, along with some folks from Firestone. The show car also made it outside and we were off and running. We came around one corner and there was a Shetland pony!!! I nearly fell to the floor laughing -- I couldn't believe it. His name was Petie and he visits children who are in the hospital just like us! He also has an autograph card and his caretaker hands out stuffed animals that mimic his image -- very cool. Ah, another race weekend. This is the last one until Michigan; we finally have a weekend off, which is much needed. Mid-Ohio is the first road course that I will be returning to. We tested here in June unlike the other road courses -- I had never been to either St. Pete and Watkins Glen before the race weekend. So, I'm hoping since I've been here before, I will have committed some of what I learned before the weekend to memory. After completing only two road-course races thus far in my career, I still need all the seat time I can get. So, I am excited about going back to a track that I have tested at for at least a day. It's hard to catch up on experience overnight! After the race on Sunday, I have a pretty low-key week planned with an appearance at the Lyn St. James Women in the Winner's Circle event and perhaps the Jeff Gordon Celebrity Bowling tournament. Then it's to the lake for some boating. We'll be racing at 1:30 p.m. ET on Sunday on ABC. Catch us on TV, or if you are in the Lexington area, make sure to stop by and say hello. -- S
IRL IndyCar Series driver Sarah
Fisher drives the Dreyer & Reinbold Racing No. 5 Dallara/Honda. She is
providing a diary to ESPN.com. For more on Sarah, go to www.sarahfisher.com. -25- Walter Brennan, singer/actor, born Swampscott, MA 1894. Jack Grant of the "Tenneva Ramblers" born Bristol, TN 1903. Ralph Peer's historic Bristol recording sessions began at 8:30 AM in 1927. Ernest Stoneman, Kahle Brewer, and Ralph Mooney, recorded "Tell Mother I Love Her," and "Dying Girl's Farewell." Roy Acuff Jr. singer/songwriter born Nashville, TN 1943. Steve Goodman wrote "City Of New Orleans," born Chicago, IL 1948. Lefty Frizzell's debut recording session in 1950. The Stanley Brothers released "Finger Poppin' Time," in 1960. Marty Brown, singer/guitarist, born Maceo, KY 1965. Tommy Duncan, age 56, front man for Bob Wills and The Texas Playboys, died from a heart attack after a show in San Diego, CA 1967. Hank Newman, age 73, of "The Georgia Crackers" died 1978. Alabama's #1 single "Feels So Right" debuted on Billboards Top 40 1981. Keith Whitley's "Don't Close Your Eyes," album certified gold 1989. Charlie Rich, age 62, died in Hammond, LA 1995. Charlie was found dead in a Hammond, LA motel room. Death was the result of a blood clot in his lungs. Columbia released Bela Fleck's "Outbound" album 2000. Varese Records released Noel Boggs' album "The Very Best of Noel Boggs" 2000. The Ryman Auditorium was officially named a National Historic Landmark by the National Park Service 2001. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Kenny Chesney sets record with "Never Wanted Nothing More"
"That thing hit the air and never looked back," Chesney said. "I mean, everybody knows that something of wanting something so bad you can taste it... whether it's a truck, a girl or whatever. We've all been there, and that moment when you're closing in, well, there really is nothing like it in this world. I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one to feel that way!" The song was written by bluegrasser Ronnie Bowman and Chris Stapleton. "Yeah, that song is pretty much everything I grew up on," said Chesney. "You've got your bluegrass running all through it, and your Southern rock underneath...It's not something you could've just come up with, but it's a pretty tough combination to beat." "Never Wanted Nothing More" is also Chesney's quickest number one. The multiple week chart-toppers "When The Sun Goes Down" and "There Goes My Life" held the quickest banner, taking only nine weeks to top the charts. With only seven full weeks of airplay, the lead single from the upcoming "Just Who I Am: Poets & Pirates," his first new music in two years went number one. Midway through the Flip Flop Summer Tour, Chesney has hit four NFL stadiums, college bars and areans. "I know when we get up on that stage, it's as much a rock show as anything," Chesney said. "But all you gotta do is listen to me sing to know I'm a country artist... and this song goes a long way to make that point. I'm not guessing here, I know my country music... After all, and I think I've said this before, where else but country music could you get laid and saved in the same three minutes? But life hits you fast - and that's everything this song is about." Chesney hits Saratoga, N.Y.'s Performing Arts Center before sliding into Holmdel, N.J.'s PNC's Bank Arts Center, then on to Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Mass.
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