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| << July25, 2007 - The Daily Funnies |
July27, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
 From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.   Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The speed limit is generally fifty-five miles per hour in the country and twenty in the city, but the average driver adds them together
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Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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**** It's "HUMP DAY" - A good time to bring you a new batch of "Grins, Giggles
or Groaners" --- GGG's are sent your way Just for the fun of
it.
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QUOTE FOR TODAY
Friends are pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold
you up, sometimes they lean on you and sometimes it's
just enough to know that they are standing by.
--Unknown
"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In
your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be
taken from you."
--Oscar Wilde
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers
a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what
it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand
dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze
rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,
two
live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but
every
time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow
him.
By
the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels,
and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon
breaks
into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are
at
his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill,
he
panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,
now
not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing
up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is
behind
him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with
one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the
other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to
the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats
surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah,
you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
sculpture
of a lawyer."
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Three people were trying to get into heaven.
St. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"
"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied.
St. Peter let him in.
St. Peter asked the second one the second same question,
"Who's there?"
"It's me, Charlie Jones."
And St. Peter let him in. He finally asked the third
one,
"Who's there?"
"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.
"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those
English
teachers."
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A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott
in June 1849.
Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better
to be Shott than Nott.
Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he
shot Nott.
It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be
possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We
think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott,
but Nott.
Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.
Butt do I care ?
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The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I
ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
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I bet ya' didn't know
King James I (1566-1625) of England, in the 22 years he occupied the
throne, never washed his right hand. He merely daubed his
fingertips
with a damp cloth in the mornings, fearing that washing would make
the
skin feel coarse when he shook hands.
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My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her
middle
finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say
only, "Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just
say, "Shame on you" to that person.
A few weeks later we were at the dinner table when my husband let out
a
huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you." Imagine my
husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it
to
him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on
you'
sign."
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(From the archives...a classic)
There were these two boys who were always in trouble. Whenever
something bad happened people knew they were behind it.
One day the father of these boys was very upset with their
behavior so he sent the oldest boy to a nearby priest.
The
priest asked the boy, "Where is God?"
The boy looked around and didn't answer. So the priest asked
again, "Where is God?" Again, the boy looked around but did not
answer. The priest became very upset at his lack of response
and
got in the boy's face, pointed his finger and asked, "WHERE IS GOD?"
The boy got up and ran from the church. He ran home and took
his
brother up to the closet where they always plan out what they
are going to do wrong. The boy that went to see the priest said
to
his little brother, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
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I bet ya'
didn't know
Tickets for Frank Sinatra's first solo performance at the Paramount
Theatre in New York City in 1942, sold for 35 cents each.
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\Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle
and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran
pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on
him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door,
he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went
rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his
friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
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Things that make you go Hmmm....
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth, beeth?
"Instructions For Life"
Never miss an opportunity to sleep on a screened-in porch.
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Pincus was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, driving without lights and violation of traffic signals.
He demanded a trial by jury.
"But you can't win that case in court," a friend advised him.
"I know," said Pincus. "I did it on purpose. My
nephew
just graduated from law school and this is his first case.
I want him to lose so maybe he'll get discouraged and get
an honest job."
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Bonus Joke:
Talk about an "Oops!"
"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw
Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -
President
Ronald Reagan (Famous microphone check just before he was going
to make a radio broadcast. He was showing his humorous side.)
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Just about everyone has heard the phrase Stanley supposedly
said upon finally locating the man he had searched for through
most of Africa: "Doctor Livingstone, I presume."
I'll bet y'all don't know the good doctor's reply though: "Do
you have an appointment?"
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There must be something good about acupuncture. You never see any sick
porcupines.
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WHAT IF THEY HAD THE INTERNET WHILE SHAKESPEARE WAS WRITING? ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
A burly man was standing next to my five-year-old daughter at an outdoor
market. She appeared intrigued by his elaborate tattoos. Finally she asked him,
"Does your mom get mad at you for drawing on your arms?"
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Most of us miss out on life’s big prizes. The Pulitzer. The Nobel. Oscars.
Tonys. Emmys. But we’re all eligible for life’s small pleasures. A pat on the
back. A kiss behind the ear. A four- pound bass. A full moon. An empty parking
space. A crackling fire. A great meal. A glorious sunset. Hot soup. Cold
beer.
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
....and this ends this HUMP DAY Edition of GGG's. Hope u had a few laffs. Remember . . . . "LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS .... YOU SHOULD BE A
CARRIER!!!"
FRED  Crime Does Pay But Being Stupid Doesn't and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with peanut butter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@joink.com subject Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS **** **** COUNTRY CALENDAR **** -26- Jim Foglesong, producer/record label executive, born Lundale, WV 1922. Ernest Phillips & "His Holiness Quartet" from Gray, Kentucky, recorded "I Want To Go Where Jesus Is" and six other songs, on the 2nd day of the historic Bristol Sessions in 1927. Fred Foster, songwriter/record label owner, born Rutherford County, NC 1931. Gene Autry joined the U. S. Army Air Corp 1942. Scott Hendricks, producer, born Clinton, OK 1956. Johnny Cash performed at the Newport Folk Festival, and met Bob Dylan 1964. Jeannie C. Riley recorded "Harper Valley PTA," 1968. Buck Owens' cover of Chuck Berry's "Johnny B. Goode" went to #1 1969. Paul David Kirby, "Cactus Brothers," born Albuquerque, NM 1972. The Amazing Rhythm Aces single "Third Rate Romance" debuted on Billboards Top 40 1975. "On The Other Hand" becomes Randy Travis' first #1 1986. Epic released Joe Diffie's "Third Rock From the Sun" 1994. "Here For The Party" Gretchen Wilson's debut CD topped the charts 2004. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Dwight Yoakam gives Buck Owens the tribute treatmentTuesday, July 24, 2007 – Dwight
Yoakam will release "Dwight Sings Buck," a 15-song tribute album to his mentor
Buck Owens, Oct. 23 on New West.
"After his death, it was the clearest way I could express my love for him and acknowledge the depth of our friendship" said Yoakam on why he chose to record an album of Owens songs. A portion of the proceeds from sales of the album will be donated by Yoakam and New West Records to the "Buck Owens American Music Foundation" a charity devoted to the preservation of the Bakersfield sound and the Buck Owens legacy. "Close Up The Honky Tonks" will be released as the album's first single. The disc includes 11 top 5 hits, 8 having hit
number 1 on the country charts: "Act Naturally," "My Heart Skips A Beat," "I
Don't Care (Just as Long as You Love Me)," "Only You (Can Break My Heart),"
"Love's Gonna Live Here," "Your Tender Loving Care," "Think of Me," and
"Together Again." The complete song list is: Taylor Swift overtakes Brad Paisley on country music chartWednesday, July 25, 2007 – Taylor Swift's self-titled
debut CD reached the number one position atop Billboard's Country Albums chart
this week, taking over for Brad Paisley's "Fifth Gear."
With more than 34,000 CDs sold this week, Swift is outdistancing the current releases by such mainstream acts as Avril Lavigne, Gwen Stefani, Maroon 5, Rihanna, Velvet Revolver, Daughtry and R. Kelly. Swift is the only country artist currently ranked in the Top 15 on Billboard's all-genre Top 200 Chart. The charts will be released Thursday. This marks the first number one selling album for Swift's record label, Big Machine. This week Taylor Swift sold 34,586 copies, while the current CDs from Daughtry (released 35 weeks ago) and Gwen Stefani (out for 33 weeks) sold 25,029 and 14,407 units this week respectively. Velvet Revolver's current album, released just 3 weeks ago, trailed Swift by 12,815 units, and she outsold the new release from Lifehouse, out 5 weeks, by more than 22,000 units. Swift surpassed the 20 million mark for music streams on MySpace, where she is currently ranked at 15 for the most MySpace visits for all genres of music. "Taylor Swift" debuted on the Billboard sales chart at number three in October 2006 and has been one of country's top 10 sellers for 30 weeks. The CD was RIAA certified gold in 13 weeks and is now platinum for more than 1 million in sales. Last month, Swift became the only female solo artist in country music history to write or co-write every song on a platinum selling debut. Last week, Swift wrapped a series of dates as a featured guest on Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's Soul2Soul 2007 tour, and she is currently on tour with Brad Paisley. She has also shared the stage with Rascal Flatts, George Strait and Kenny Chesney. "CMA Highlights on ABC" ABC was nice to put the hi-lights of this years CMA fest into a two hour special. Really, the show did showcase artists and fans. Leanne Rimes sang a real bouncey pop song with some nice effect laden guitar behind her. Rascal Flatts start out the show. Quickly followed by Carrie Underwood, Underwood was impressive with "Before He Cheats". Brooks and Dunn sounded really good with a good country piece. Sara Evans sang "A real Fine Place",nice voice. Boy, the Nashville Coliseum where their hockey team plays is huge and was packed. Even bigger was the big stadium for the outside shows. Just not that many years ago, everything was still at the fairgrounds. Most irritating moments was a lady from "Dancing With The stars" picking three people out of the crowd to meet and greet their fave artist. This is so unrealistic, these stars today are so removed from their fans. Sugarland's song was really over the top, more jumping around than good music. "Big And Rich" enlisted a couple of young ladies to play a song with them, a fiddle player and piano player. You couldn't hear the girl playing piano, the fiddle player was having fun and she was pretty good too. Brad Paisley sang another song, more of the same. Still a great picker. His guitar has a British sound to it with his use of distortion and Orange Amps. The "Wreckers" really brought a fresh new sound to the stage. These two gals really sound good together. It would be nice if they could have shortened the commercials instead of the songs. The artist songs are all cut short. Reba and Kelly Clarkson were disappointing to me, then what was I to expect? Josh Turner sings the first real country song of the night. Fiddle and pedal steel?? What's that?? Sounded very good playing his guitar and singing in that low voice of his. Jason Aldean in my opinion was punk-rockish. Heavy metal sounding guitar, nothing country about his music. Martina sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" to a family that lost everything in a tornado in Kansas, fortunately, nobody got hurt. The CMA gave the family a new truck, real nice gesture. Then Martina's band popped up and she sang a pop flavored song called "How Do I Feel". Rascal Flatts back for more. Nice Tune, with some great interaction. Little Big Town presents nice vocal harmonies, another commercial, story of the night. Taylor Swift really has a pretty country voice as she sings "Tim Mcgraw" Real nice acoustic sound. Swift and The Wreckers are standouts for me. Pickler sings a song from her new disc. The show's running down. Alan Jackson comes out and sings the ballad "Remember When" Something didn't seem right, he looked tired. He sang for less than a minute. Underwood is back with another song from her multi platinum disc. Country rocker Miranda Lambert ends the show. Really nice highlights!!!  REMEMBER HER? **** Amy's Kitchen **** Applebee's Quesadillas 2 Slices of Lean Bacon (sliced into 1/2" pieces) 2 Flour Tortilla Shells (8" diameter) Softened Butter (softened for lightly spreading on tortilla shells) 1 Tbsp. Pico de gallo 1/4 C.Shredded Colby/Monterey Jack Cheese Sour Cream Guacamole Picante Sauce Preparation: Slice bacon and fry until bacon starts to turn crisp but not hard and brittle. Remove from pan, drain bacon and set aside. Spread butter lightly on one side of the flour tortilla shell. Place buttered side of shell down, into a non-stick fry pan that has been preheated on medium heat. Sprinkle 2 tablespoons of bacon over entire shell, then add 1 Tbs. Pico de gallo, and 1/4 cup shredded Colby/Monterey Jack cheese over the bacon. Place the second flour shell on top of fixings, buttered side up. Cook for about one - two minutes just long enough to heat the inside ingredients and then carefully flip the quesadilla on the other side and finish cooking. The quesadilla should be heated through but not browned. Remove quesadilla and place on a serving dish and cut into individual triangle serving pieces. Serve quesadillas with your favorite guacamole sour cream, and picante sauce.  **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas on the web and from my readers. All
are believed to be public
domain . If you hold copyright on
any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit,
or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
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