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Subject: The Daily Funnies - July26, 2007



 



From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to T
he Funnies
est.7-4-2000

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.


THURSDAY JULY  26,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The speed limit is generally fifty-five miles per hour in the country and twenty in the city, but the average driver adds them together



A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a
tour.

   Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by
plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the
Frenchman.

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
my passport"

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention.

The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on
D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle
went over 120 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind
him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 140, 160.... then the reality of
the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it
and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and
it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an
excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In
preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private
little talk.

"Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one
but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if
anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are
sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying
their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so
that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's
corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the
end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra
thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker.

"After all...what's a few nails?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Results from Sunday's election in Iraq won't be known
until next Monday or Tuesday.But that's only because of problems
with the absentee votes from Florida and Ohio.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch
my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed
for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just
then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it
on to thes wamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper
watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its
back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any
shoes either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jubilant Temple University fans boarded a bus after a football game, joined by revellers from a concert. As the bus accelerated away from the first stop, a woman standing at the front was propelled into a seated man, who tried to stop her fall. She struggled but ultimately surrendered to the forces and collapsed into the arms of the man. Amid laughter and apologies, she sat down just as the bus reached the next stop. A very attractive woman was the only new passenger. As she paid the fare, the seated man shouted to the driver, "Hit it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking
Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle Street sometime before
sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees
nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks.
What's going on here. A few yards further on and ... BANG.

Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and
there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and .... crash.

Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he
can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and
there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With
a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his
chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk
of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying
breath he gasps, who are you?

She replies, "Buffet, the vampire slayer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by 10%."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20%."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My office collects care packages of snack food, reading material, etc., to be sent to the Army Reserves stationed in the Middle East. Among the suggestions for gifts is rat poison, apparently to deal with a persistent problem in their housing units.

"That's a first," I told my co-workers. "Now we're sending packages to Afghanistan containing weapons of mouse destruction."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knock-knock

   Who's there?

Michael Rhoda.

   Michael Rhoda who?

"Michael Rhoda boat ashore, hallelujah. . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Knock-knock

   Who's there?

Mohair.

   Mohair who?

Any mohair on your head and you could pass for a mop!
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you call a parasite that worships the moon?

A. A looney tick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A parking lot owner called his attendants in and said, "We haven't had a single complaint all week about dented fenders or banged bumpers." Then, slamming his fist on the table, he shouted, "Now tell me! How can we make any money leaving that much space between cars?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Guys' Rules:

These are guys' rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, then just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth any
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine
.... Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, beer or carburetors.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have way too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey guys, has she ever really forgiven you?
Her eyes say, "Maybe," but the lighter fluid in your hair and
the match in her hand say, "Not really."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team." (George Raveling)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. A nickel, dime and quarter were on the table. The nickel and dime
jumped off. Why didn't the quarter?

A. It had more cents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.

At one point, she wailed, "Oh no, NOW what do I do? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundred seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale!"

Surprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even chuckled sympathetically.

It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register:

"WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE- WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE."

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recipe,
send your request to:
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**** Reader's Submissions ****

It's "HUMP DAY" - A good time to bring you a new batch of "Grins, Giggles or Groaners" --- GGG's are sent your way Just for the fun of it.  

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QUOTE FOR TODAY

Friends are pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold 
you up, sometimes they lean on you and sometimes it's 
just enough to know that they are standing by.
--Unknown

"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In 
your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be 
taken from you."
--Oscar Wilde

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown.  Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what
it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand
dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze
rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two
live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every
time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. 
By
the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels,
and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon
breaks
into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at
his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he
panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now
not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing
up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind
him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with
one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the
other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to
the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats
surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah,
you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze sculpture
of a lawyer."

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 Three people were trying to get into heaven.  
  St. Peter asked the first,  "Who's there?" 

 "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. 

 St. Peter let him in. 

 St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, 
 "Who's there?" 

 "It's me, Charlie Jones." 

 And St. Peter let him in.  He finally asked the third one, 
 "Who's there?" 

 "It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third. 

 "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English 
teachers." 

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A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott 
in June 1849. 

Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better 
to be Shott than Nott. 

Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he 
shot Nott. 

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be 
possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We 
think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, 
but Nott. 

Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. 
Butt do I care ? 

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The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I
ain't go no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

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 I bet ya' didn't know
King James I (1566-1625) of England, in the 22 years he occupied the
throne, never washed his right hand.  He merely daubed his fingertips
with a damp cloth in the mornings, fearing that washing would make the
skin feel coarse when he shook hands.

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My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle
finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say
only, "Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just
say, "Shame on you" to that person. 

A few weeks later we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a
huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you." Imagine my
husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to
him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' 
sign."

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(From the archives...a classic)
There were these two boys who were always in trouble.  Whenever
something bad happened people knew they were behind it.

One day the father of these boys was very upset with their
behavior so he sent the oldest boy to a nearby priest.  The 
priest asked the boy, "Where is God?"

The boy looked around and didn't answer.  So the priest asked
again, "Where is God?"  Again, the boy looked around but did not
answer.  The priest became very upset at his lack of response and 
got in the boy's face, pointed his finger and asked, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy got up and ran from the church.  He ran home and took his
brother up to the closet where they always plan out what they
are going to do wrong.  The boy that went to see the priest said to
his little brother, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥


                  I bet ya' didn't know
Tickets for Frank Sinatra's first solo performance at the Paramount
Theatre in New York City in 1942, sold for 35 cents each. 

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\Two men went bear hunting.  While one stayed in the cabin, the
other went out looking for a bear.  He soon found a huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it.

When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle
and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.  He ran
pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on
him with every step.  Just as he reached the open cabin door,
he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went
rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his
friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥


Things that make you go Hmmm....
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of 
booth, beeth?

"Instructions For Life"
Never miss an opportunity to sleep on a screened-in porch.

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 Pincus was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, 
driving without lights and violation of traffic signals.  
He demanded a trial by jury.

"But you can't win that case in court," a friend advised him.

 "I know," said Pincus.  "I did it on purpose.  My nephew 
just graduated from law school and this is his first case.  
I want him to lose so maybe he'll get discouraged and get 
an honest job."

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Bonus Joke:
Talk about an "Oops!"

"My fellow Americans.  I've signed legislation that will outlaw
Russia forever.  We begin bombing in five minutes." - President 
Ronald Reagan (Famous microphone check just before he was going 
to make a radio broadcast.  He was showing his humorous side.)

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Just about everyone has heard the phrase Stanley supposedly
said upon finally locating the man he had searched for through
most of Africa: "Doctor Livingstone, I presume."

I'll bet y'all don't know the good doctor's reply though:  "Do
you have an appointment?"

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There must be something good about acupuncture. You never see any sick porcupines.

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WHAT IF THEY HAD THE INTERNET WHILE SHAKESPEARE WAS WRITING?

"To be, or not to be - that is the question - whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous spam or to take arms against a sea of unwanted emails, and by opposing, delete them?" (Hamlet; Act 3, Scene 1)

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, but most are stuck with Windows." (Twelfth Night; Act 3, Scene 4)

"All the world's a web, and all the men and women merely users. They have their sign-ons and log-offs, and one man in his time visits many sites." (As You Like It; Act 2, Scene 7)

"O happy Firewire plug! This is thy socket; there connect, and let my data transfer." (Romeo and Juliet; Act 5, Scene 3)

"He that filches from me my good name robs me of that which enriches him and makes me poor indeed. Therefore shalt thou encrypt all thine passwords." (Othello; Act 3, Scene 3)

"What's in a name? That which we call a virus by any other name would still wipe a hard drive." (Romeo and Juliet; Act 2, Scene 2)

"Pop-ups die many times before their deaths; an unsaved document but once." (Julius Caesar; Act 2, Scene 2)

"The man that hath no music in himself hath not yet learned how to use iTunes." (The Merchant of Venice; Act 5, Scene 1)

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A burly man was standing next to my five-year-old daughter at an outdoor market. She appeared intrigued by his elaborate tattoos. Finally she asked him, "Does your mom get mad at you for drawing on your arms?"

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Most of us miss out on life’s big prizes. The Pulitzer. The Nobel. Oscars. Tonys. Emmys. But we’re all eligible for life’s small pleasures. A pat on the back. A kiss behind the ear. A four- pound bass. A full moon. An empty parking space. A crackling fire. A great meal. A glorious sunset. Hot soup. Cold beer.
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

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....and this ends this HUMP DAY Edition of GGG's.  Hope u had a few laffs.  Remember . . . .

"LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS .... YOU SHOULD BE A CARRIER!!!"

FRED

**** ON THIS DAY ****

Crime Does Pay But Being Stupid Doesn't

WINNIPEG, Canada - Didn't your mother ever tell you not to jingle your pocket change while strolling through the ghetto? That's exactly the type of response a Canadian mugging victim received from Judge Charles Rubin. The 46-year-old Winnipeg resident was chastised by Judge Rubin for being a "stupid civilian, who admits that he was stupid," after two men approached him late one night. One of the men snatched the victim's money right out of his hand. Judge Rubin compared walking around in a bad neighborhood with money in your hand to "walking in the wolf enclosure at the city zoo with a pound of ground beef in your hand." The victim responded to the Judge's comments, saying that he was "insulted." The prosecutor is considering an appeal.



**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing.
Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well
with peanut butter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-26-

Jim Foglesong, producer/record label executive, born Lundale, WV 1922.

Ernest Phillips & "His Holiness Quartet" from Gray, Kentucky, recorded "I Want To Go Where Jesus Is" and six other songs, on the 2nd day of the historic Bristol Sessions in 1927.

Fred Foster, songwriter/record label owner, born Rutherford County, NC 1931.

Gene Autry joined the U. S. Army Air Corp 1942.

Scott Hendricks, producer, born Clinton, OK 1956.

Johnny Cash performed at the Newport Folk Festival, and met Bob Dylan 1964.

Jeannie C. Riley recorded "Harper Valley PTA," 1968.

Buck Owens' cover of Chuck Berry's "Johnny B. Goode" went to #1 1969.

Paul David Kirby, "Cactus Brothers," born Albuquerque, NM 1972.

The Amazing Rhythm Aces single "Third Rate Romance" debuted on Billboards Top 40 1975.

"On The Other Hand" becomes Randy Travis' first #1 1986.

Epic released Joe Diffie's "Third Rock From the Sun" 1994.

"Here For The Party" Gretchen Wilson's debut CD topped the charts 2004.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Dwight Yoakam gives Buck Owens the tribute treatment

 
Tuesday, July 24, 2007 – Dwight Yoakam will release "Dwight Sings Buck," a 15-song tribute album to his mentor Buck Owens, Oct. 23 on New West.

"After his death, it was the clearest way I could express my love for him and acknowledge the depth of our friendship" said Yoakam on why he chose to record an album of Owens songs.

A portion of the proceeds from sales of the album will be donated by Yoakam and New West Records to the "Buck Owens American Music Foundation" a charity devoted to the preservation of the Bakersfield sound and the Buck Owens legacy.

"Close Up The Honky Tonks" will be released as the album's first single.

The disc includes 11 top 5 hits, 8 having hit number 1 on the country charts: "Act Naturally," "My Heart Skips A Beat," "I Don't Care (Just as Long as You Love Me)," "Only You (Can Break My Heart)," "Love's Gonna Live Here," "Your Tender Loving Care," "Think of Me," and "Together Again." The complete song list is:
My Heart Skips A Beat
Foolin' Around
I Don't Care (Just As Long As You Love Me)
Only You
Act Naturally
Down On The Corner Of Love
Cryin' Time
Above And Beyond
Love's Gonna Live Here
Close Up The Honky Tonks
Under Your Spell Again
Your Tender Loving Care
Excuse Me (I Think I've Got A Heartache)
Think Of Me
Together Again


Taylor Swift overtakes Brad Paisley on country music chart

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 – Taylor Swift's self-titled debut CD reached the number one position atop Billboard's Country Albums chart this week, taking over for Brad Paisley's "Fifth Gear."

With more than 34,000 CDs sold this week, Swift is outdistancing the current releases by such mainstream acts as Avril Lavigne, Gwen Stefani, Maroon 5, Rihanna, Velvet Revolver, Daughtry and R. Kelly. Swift is the only country artist currently ranked in the Top 15 on Billboard's all-genre Top 200 Chart.

The charts will be released Thursday. This marks the first number one selling album for Swift's record label, Big Machine.

This week Taylor Swift sold 34,586 copies, while the current CDs from Daughtry (released 35 weeks ago) and Gwen Stefani (out for 33 weeks) sold 25,029 and 14,407 units this week respectively. Velvet Revolver's current album, released just 3 weeks ago, trailed Swift by 12,815 units, and she outsold the new release from Lifehouse, out 5 weeks, by more than 22,000 units.

Swift surpassed the 20 million mark for music streams on MySpace, where she is currently ranked at 15 for the most MySpace visits for all genres of music.

"Taylor Swift" debuted on the Billboard sales chart at number three in October 2006 and has been one of country's top 10 sellers for 30 weeks. The CD was RIAA certified gold in 13 weeks and is now platinum for more than 1 million in sales.

Last month, Swift became the only female solo artist in country music history to write or co-write every song on a platinum selling debut.

Last week, Swift wrapped a series of dates as a featured guest on Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's Soul2Soul 2007 tour, and she is currently on tour with Brad Paisley. She has also shared the stage with Rascal Flatts, George Strait and Kenny Chesney.


"CMA Highlights on ABC"

ABC was nice to put the hi-lights of this years CMA fest into a two hour special. Really, the show did showcase artists and fans.

Leanne Rimes sang a real bouncey pop song with some nice effect laden guitar behind her. Rascal Flatts start out the show. Quickly followed by Carrie Underwood, Underwood was impressive with "Before He Cheats".

Brooks and Dunn sounded really good with a good country piece. Sara Evans sang "A real Fine Place",nice voice. Boy, the Nashville Coliseum where their hockey team plays is huge and was packed. Even bigger was the big stadium for the outside shows. Just not that many years ago, everything was still at the fairgrounds.

Most irritating moments was a lady from "Dancing With The stars" picking three people out of the crowd to meet and greet their fave artist. This is so unrealistic, these stars today are so removed from their fans. Sugarland's song was really over the top, more jumping around than good music.

"Big And Rich" enlisted a couple of young ladies to play a song with them, a fiddle player and piano player. You couldn't hear the girl playing piano, the fiddle player was having fun and she was pretty good too.

Brad Paisley sang another song, more of the same. Still a great picker. His guitar has a British sound to it with his use of distortion and Orange Amps.

The "Wreckers" really brought a fresh new sound to the stage. These two gals really sound good together.

It would be nice if they could have shortened the commercials instead of the songs. The artist songs are all cut short.

Reba and Kelly Clarkson were disappointing to me, then what was I to expect? Josh Turner sings the first real country song of the night. Fiddle and pedal steel?? What's that??
Sounded very good playing his guitar and singing in that low voice of his.

Jason Aldean in my opinion was punk-rockish. Heavy metal sounding guitar, nothing country about his music.

Martina sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" to a family that lost everything in a tornado in Kansas, fortunately, nobody got hurt. The CMA gave the family a new truck, real nice gesture.

Then Martina's band popped up and she sang a pop flavored song called "How Do I Feel".

Rascal Flatts back for more. Nice Tune, with some great interaction. Little Big Town presents nice vocal harmonies, another commercial, story of the night.

Taylor Swift really has a pretty country voice as she sings "Tim Mcgraw" Real nice acoustic sound. Swift and The Wreckers are standouts for me. Pickler sings a song from her new disc.

The show's running down. Alan Jackson comes out and sings the ballad "Remember When" Something didn't seem right, he looked tired. He sang for less than a minute.

Underwood is back with another song from her multi platinum disc.

Country rocker Miranda Lambert ends the show. Really nice highlights!!! 


REMEMBER HER?

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Applebee's Quesadillas

2 Slices of Lean Bacon (sliced into 1/2" pieces)
2 Flour Tortilla Shells (8" diameter)
Softened Butter (softened for lightly spreading on tortilla shells)
1 Tbsp. Pico de gallo
1/4 C.Shredded Colby/Monterey Jack Cheese
Sour Cream
Guacamole
Picante Sauce

Preparation:
Slice bacon and fry until bacon starts to turn crisp but not hard and brittle. Remove from pan, drain bacon and set aside. Spread butter lightly on one
side of the flour tortilla shell. Place buttered side of shell down, into a non-stick fry pan that has been preheated on medium heat. Sprinkle 2 tablespoons
of bacon over entire shell, then add 1 Tbs. Pico de gallo, and 1/4 cup shredded Colby/Monterey Jack cheese over the bacon. Place the second flour shell
on top of fixings, buttered side up. Cook for about one - two minutes just long enough to heat the inside ingredients and then carefully flip the quesadilla
on the other side and finish cooking. The quesadilla should be heated through but not browned. Remove quesadilla and place on a serving dish and cut into
individual triangle serving pieces. Serve quesadillas with your favorite guacamole sour cream, and picante sauce.




**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****


Who founded NASA?

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration is a scientific endeavor that was created at least partly in response to a sense of fear and competition. On October 4, 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik, the first man-made satellite. Its successful launch was a huge scientific and technological achievement that gave the Russians a leg up and jump-started the space race.

This was at the height of the Cold War, and the United States feared that the Russians could use their new technology for military purposes. Aside from the fear factor, the U.S. simply did not like being left in the dust. The public "crisis of confidence" is summed up in this poem by G. Mennen "Soapy" Williams, the governor of Michigan:

Oh little Sputnik, flying high

With made-in-Moscow beep,

You tell the world it's a Commie sky

and Uncle Sam's asleep.

Less than a month later, the Soviets launched Sputnik 2, carrying Laika, the space dog. The United States Congress moved quickly. On July 29, 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the National Aeronautics and Space Act of 1958. It formally established the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) on October 1, 1958, headed by T. Keith Glennan. The agency's official mission was: "To provide for research into problems of flight within and outside the Earth's atmosphere, and for other purposes." Up to this point, most aerospace technology was handled by the military, but the new civilian agency took over. NASA absorbed the former National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA), which was founded in 1917.

So to give you a direct answer to your question, NASA was founded by Dwight D. Eisenhower and Congress. Then again, some people mistakenly believe that JFK deserves the credit.





****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
When a person tells you, "I'm going to tell you the truth," you
wonder what he has been telling you since the conversation began




LAST CALL Y'ALL

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"

John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand."



HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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