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![]() From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. ![]() ![]() Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
TGIF A BLONDE COMMUTER Jill came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?" "Not really," Jill replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train." "Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?" "I couldn't," replied Jill, "It was empty,there was no one there." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THIS IS A RERUN, BUT, EVERY TIME I SEE IT , I THINK OF WITCHY WOMEN AND CARS A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start. She said "fine!" hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman always wanted an expensive car; a status symbol to drive around and flaunt. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down many dollars for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-butt, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the blasted thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer and voice- activated. All she has to do is tell it what she wants to hear. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off, amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "Low-life, arrogant, self-centered Dumb sss!!!" she screams. "click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States,George W. Bush" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "Why, certainly! The time is now four o'clock." The blonde scratches her head and says, "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AN OLDIE The town founder had passed away and the whole town turned out, as did his family who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar. They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get everything done. After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing their way, decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me....." The driver let out a scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it. After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I'm so sorry for what happened, but you see, I'm usually the driver of the hearse." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ George Johnson, a hard-bitten man of early middle age, had evaded many a marital trap, but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young Nancy. Finally he said, "Will you marry me, Nancy?" She smiled and said, "Oh yes, George." There followed a long silence, till Nancy said, "Well, say something more, George." And Johnson said hollowly, "I think I've said too much as it is." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't you remember the Ford Sunliner 747? I remember the night I was working as a flight attendant on the red-eye to Manila. A water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of our 747. A very sleepy woman who had become aware of the dampness tugged at my skirt as I passed by. "Has it been raining?" she asked me. Keeping a straight face, I replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, she went back to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Funeral For Tia Juana An old couple in Cuba was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from the USA. The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest, which read: Dearest Mami y Papi, I am sending you Tia Juana's remains for the funeral there in the Havana Cemetery. Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were too high. You will find inside the coffin, under Tia's body, 12 cans of Bumble Bee Tuna, 12 bottles of Paul Mitchell Shampoo 12 bottles Paul Mitchell Conditioner, 12 Vaseline Intensive Care Skin Lotion, 12 Colgate Toothpaste and 12 cans of Spam. Just divide it among the family. On Tia's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for Joseito. There are four pairs of Reeboks under her head for Antonio's sons. Tia is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for Roberto and the rest are for his sons. Tia is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bras (my favorite), just divide it among the ladies. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties that she is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins. Tia is also wearing eight Docker pants, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Tia Juana's left wrist and she is also wearing what you asked for Mami (earrings, ring and necklace) just please get them before anyone arrives to view the body. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that she is wearing must be divided among the teen-age girls there. I hope the colors are to their liking. Your loving daughter, Carmencita PS Please find Tia a dress for her funeral ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` A real smooth talker who prided himself on being the ladies man finally met his match one night. The man had just learned that his father only had days to live and that he would inherit over ten million dollars. Overjoyed at the promised wealth, he celebrated at the local bar, where he just happened to see a drop dead gorgeous long legged woman. Of course, he couldn't wait to work his charms on her and indeed she was so interested in him, they went back to his house together. The next day she became his soon-to-be rich stepmother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner, both EMT's rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked. "Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?" "It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?" "Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The Duel" A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INTEROFFICE MEMO: (reportedly real) Subject: Mmm-mmn-good A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail: Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The price of gas too high? If you think the price of a gallon of gasoline is expensive, well here are a few things that may shock you as to what the price per gallon is for........ 1. Diet Snapple, 16 oz. @ $1.29, equals $10.32 per gallon. 2. Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz. @ $1.19, equals $9.52 per gallon. 3. Gatorade, 20 oz. @ $1.59, equals $10.17 per gallon. 4. Ocean Spray, 16 oz. @ $1.25, equals $10.00 per gallon. 5. Quart of Milk, 16 oz. @ $1.59, equals $6.32 per gallon. (more like $2.99 a gallon) 6. STP Brake Fluid, 12 oz. @ $3.15, equals $33.60 per gallon. 7. Vick's Nyquil, 6 oz. @ $8.35, equals $178.13 per gallon. 8. Pepto Bismol, 4 oz. @ $3.85, equals $123.20 per gallon. 9. Whiteout, 7 oz. @ $1.39, equals $254.17 per gallon. 10. Scope, 1.5 oz. @ $.99, equals $84.84 per gallon. ...... here's the real KICKER....... ....Evian water, 9 oz. @ $1.49, equals $21.19 per gallon...... " $ 2 1.1 9 " for water!!!!!! You get the idea??? So the next time you're at the pump, ".. be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& ![]() &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& ![]() **** ON THIS DAY **** by Jewel Diamond Taylor and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was
hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of
my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse let me to believe that I was
finally recovering when she announced excitely. "Look, your wrinkles are coming
back!" Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@joink.com subject Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS **** NO IRL RACE THIS WEEKEND NEXT RACE ![]() Race 13 of 17 Sunday, August 5 Noon on ESPN2
-27- Clark W. Kessinger, fiddler for the Kessinger Brothers, born South Hills, WV 1896. Henry D. "Homer" Haynes, of Homer & Jethro, born Knoxville, TN 1920. Velma Williams Smith, singer/country comedy/bassist/session guitarist, born Logan County, KY 1924. Charlie Poole & The North Carolina Ramblers had their first recording session 1925. Annie Lou Dill born Skull Bone, TN 1925. Member Grand Ole Opry. Uncle Eck Dunford & Hattie Stoneman recorded "What Will I Do, For My Money's All Gone," and three other songs, at the morning Bristol recording session 1927. Bobbie Gentry born "Roberta Lee Streeter" in Chickasaw County, MS 1944. The Spade Cooley Show debuted on CBS-TV 1951. Duncan Cameron, "Sawyer Brown," born Utica, NY 1956. Bill Engvall, comedian, born Galveston, TX 1957. Johnny Horton released "Johnny Reb" 1959. Johnny Cash's "Ring Of Fire" went to #1 1963. Stacy Dean Campbell singer/songwriter, born Carlsbad, NM 1967. Merle Haggard released "Mama Tried," 1968. Capitol Records released Buck Owens & Susan Raye's "The Great White Horse" 1970. LeAnn Rimes, age 13, recorded her debut album "Blue" in 1996. The album went to #1, and remained there for twenty-eight weeks. Collectables released "Dreamin': Very Best Of Johnny Burnette" in 1999, thirty-five years after his death. Tim McGraw's single "Live Like You Were Dying" remained at # 1 in 2004. -28- Buddy Spicher, session fiddle player, born Dubois, PA 1938. Harold Burkett of "The Four Guys" born Steubenville, OH 1939. Jonathan Edwards, Bluegrass singer/songwriter/guitarist/harmonica born Aitkin, NN 1946. Gene Vincent appeared on the "Perry Como Show," 1956. Jerry Lee Lewis debuted on national TV, on the "Steve Allen Show," 1957. Marty Robbins released "Its Your World/You Told Me So" 1961. Bill Anderson's first No. 1 "Mama Sang A Song" debuted on the charts 1962. Charlie Pride recorded "Kiss An Angel Good Morning," 1971. Ralph Emery conducted his last all night radio show on WSM 1972. Donna Fargo scores her fourth straight #1 single "You Were Always There" 1973. Earl Thomas Conley's "Angel In Disguise" went to #1 1984. Arista released Diamond Rio's album "Unbelievable" 1998. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Country singer Mindy McCready may stay in jail until September By ROSE FRENCH Associated Press Writer NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Country singer Mindy McCready was in jail Thursday and could remain there until a September hearing on a charge of violating probation on her 2004 drug charge, officials said. McCready, 31, was taken into custody Wednesday at Nashville International Airport and booked into the Williamson County jail just south of Nashville as she returned to Tennessee. She was arrested last week in Fort Myers, Fla., her hometown, on misdemeanor charges that she scratched her mother on the face during a scuffle and resisted sheriff's deputies. Williamson County Circuit Court clerk officials said Thursday that McCready is not currently scheduled to have a bond hearing. A hearing on charges for violating her probation is set for Sept. 7. Deputy District Attorney General Derek Smith said McCready violated probation in three ways: by being charged in a new offense; not reporting those charges immediately to her probation officer; and by the nature of the new assault charges. She could serve up to three years in prison if convicted of violating her probation. McCready's previous attorney, Lee Dryer, said Thursday he does not represent her now and did not know if she had an attorney. The clerk's office said files didn't list any attorney representing McCready. Dryer said he doubted McCready currently has a publicist or other representative who could speak on her behalf. Dryer withdrew from representing McCready last month after filing a petition that said the singer failed to meet "contractual obligations" or effectively communicate with him. "The attorney-client relationship has eroded to the point that counsel of record is presently unable to render effective assistance," court documents state. Dryer declined to go into greater detail about why he stepped down as McCready's attorney. "I wish her well, and I hope she comes out of this OK," he said. McCready was on probation after receiving a suspended three-year sentence for obtaining the painkiller OxyContin at a pharmacy in 2004 by getting a prescription in another person's name. Still pending is another probation violation charge against McCready resulting from a drunken driving arrest in May 2005. McCready had a hit in 1996 with "Guys Do It All the Time," but has struggled in recent years amid personal problems that included a beating by her then-boyfriend and suicide attempts. She gave birth to a son in 2006. The singer was found not guilty of the DUI charge in July 2006 but guilty of driving on a suspended license. She then pleaded guilty to violating her probation but has petitioned to withdraw that plea. Country quandry By Ron Wynn I Filed Under Music, Miscellaneous Newsweek’s current issue (the one with Barack Obama on the cover)
contains an intriguing, nicely written but sometimes oversimplified article by
Brian Braiker railing about the absence of veteran performers from country
radio.
Today's
useless fact - Why do people blush when they are
embarrassed?
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