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July31, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
 From Carlisle ,Indiana U.S.A.   Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Conscience: the sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught. IT'S AN OLDIE, BUT IT'S A GEM A truck drvier was tooling down the highway when he sees a priest at the side of the raod. Naturally, he stops to pick up the priest. Farther down the road the truck driver notices a lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his truck directly at the lawyer. Then he thinks, "Oh no, I've got a priest sitting next to me in here. I can't run down this lawyer." So, at the last second, the truck driver swerves to miss the lawyer. But the truck driver hears a THUMP outside of the truck. He looks in his rearview mirror but doesn't see anything. He turns to the priest and says, "Sorry about that, Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road." And the priest replies. . . . "Don't worry about it, my son, I got him with my door." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm."Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutelygorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.""No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face here! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!! "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two blondes got together on a regular basis, and they usually discussed families or local gossip. One day, they decided to change things a bit, and discuss important political issues like the Middle East, Afghanistan, North Korea, etc. One blonde said, "But what about Red China?" The other responded, "Fantastic... it looks especially good on a white tablecloth!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. That is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How to tell the weather: Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "In a minute." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three men were found in the wildrness by civilized cannibals. The men were led to a grave site next to the water. The chief told them, "We will kill you as cowards, or we will let you die honorable deaths. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes." The first man, a soldier at heart, asked for a handgun, shot himself, and was carried off by the cannibals. The second man, asked for a sword. A warrior at heart, he committed 'seppuku' as would a Japanese man. He, too, was carried off by the cannibals. The last man asked for a fork. "A fork?" asked the chief, scratching his head at this rather unusual request. But it was his dying wish, so.... they handed him a fork. He then proceeded to stab himself repeatedly all over, and yelled, "I hope your canoe sinks!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume for her birthday, which she was very excited about. Her family asked the pastor over for dinner the following Sunday afternoon. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time. Not able to contain her excitement anymore, and not wanting to disobey her mother, the little girl leaned over to the pastor, who was seated next to her during dinner, and whispered. . . "If you hear a little noise and smell something? . . . . . . it's me!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Show and Tell: A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Best Way To Pray: A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage, a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "Boy, how I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down and gave a little monkey yell. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down and made his noises. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes," the monkey nodded. "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "Oh, they were smoking pot?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What else, anything?" The monkey motioned two people kissing. "They were making out too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes," nodded the monkey. "Now wait just a minute. You're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and making out before they wrecked?" "Yes!" the monkey motioned. "And just what were you doing during all this?" "Driving," motioned the monkey. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Really Weird Facts" you probably never knew about until you opened and read your 'Chips'. . . . The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. One in every four Americans has appeared on television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight. The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt. In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees. Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine. A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat... a hefty 1,000 times! Marilyn Monroe had six toes. (was that 3 toes on each foot, or 5 on on one & 1 on the other foot, or... 6 on each foot...??? that's what I want to know!) The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. All porcupines float in water. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How To Be A Good Husband" ** He consistently spills things in the same location as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet. ** He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots. ** He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time. ** He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-a-row. ** He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents. ** Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a "date" or family home evening (where applicable). ** Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there". ** Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, "Its definitely an interesting dress."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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**** The most wasted of all days is one without
laughter. ~e.e. cummings
...and
perhaps, this is one of the reasons, I send you lots of humor disguised as
GRINS< GIGGLES and GROANERS. GGG's are sent to you just
for
the fun of it and with the hope
you'll get a few chuckles or maybe a hearty belly shaker. GGG's is a
collection of many things. Trivia, Jokes, News of the Weird and
more. We also firmly believe that "Laughter is contagious and everyone
should be a carrier!" So, let us procede with today's
offerings!
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"BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF THE
YEAR - 2006"
1.
Include Your Children When Baking
Cookies
2.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts
Say
3.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Jaywalkers
4.
Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin
Case
5.
Iranian Head Seeks Arms
6.
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes
Over
8.
British Left Waffles on Falkland
Islands
9.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10.
Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies
Ahead
11.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe
Told
12.
Miners Refuse to Work After
Death
13.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting
Defendant
14.
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15.
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout
Counter
16.
War Dims Hope for Peace
17.
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a
While
18.
Couple Slain; Police Suspect
Homicide
19.
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery
Charge
20.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test
Group
21.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in
Space
22.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in
Half
24.
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds
Dead
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In case you are looking for a
reason to take Monday off ... It is "Cheesecake Day" and it is also "Kiss Your
Car" Day. Need more i.deas? Monday is "FATHER INLAW" Day
and probably the best reason of all... it is also "HAMBURGER
DAY"!!!
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Old Harold In The Hospital
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning", or "Are we ready for a bath", or "Are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, it seems we are a little cloudy today ." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled! "Don't MESS with Old
Folks!!!
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The
Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy
1. A
day without sunshine is like ......... night.
2.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
4.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5.
Remember, half the people you know are below
average.
6.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese in
heck
jalapenos.
Subject: Southern
Humor
Tennessee:
The owner of a golf course was
confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from
the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000,
minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment,
and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
************************************************************
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went
deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters
returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck. "Where's
Henry?" the others asked.
" Henry had a stroke of some
kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail, the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there
and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the
hunter. "but I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
************************************************************
Louisiana:
A senior at Louisiana State was
overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in
Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied
because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the
civilized world.
************************************************************
Mississippi:
The
young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking
lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it
was?"
The
young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."
************************************************************
Georgia:
A
Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any
ID?"
The
driver replied, "Bout what?"
***********************************************************
North Carolina
A
man in North Carolina had a flat tire, so he pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A
passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around
and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem
was.
The
man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The
passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man
responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and
flares in the back. I never did understand it
neither."
And
my favorite:
You
can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and
moving North!
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A young Arkansas man goes to a drug store and
says to
the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me
some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?" ≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤
Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a
condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity,
to wit:
While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" And
thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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There was once a
young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
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A recent college graduate took a
new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a
tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less
onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found,
however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips
through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤
Subject: [Fwd: Fwd: blond
cookbook]
*_MONDAY:_ It's fun to cook for
Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12
eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough
to
loan me some extra
bowls.
_TUESDAY:_ Tom wanted fruit salad
for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I
didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought
a
friend home for
supper.
_WEDNESDAY:_ A good day for rice.
The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.
I
can't say it improved the rice
any.
_THURSDAY:_ Today Tom asked for
salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients,
lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Tom
asked me why I was rolling around
in the garden.
_FRIDAY:_ I found an easy recipe
for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with
this
recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.
_SATURDAY:_ Tom did the shopping
today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it
for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to
ten.
_SUNDAY:_ Tom's folks came to
dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had
a flash of genius. I put the hamburger
in the oven and set the controls
for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my
disappointment.
Good night dear diary. This has
been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out
a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom
into buying a bigger oven, I
would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
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We went to the movies the
other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little
roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a person from the center of the
row got up and started working their way across.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time the person got to me I was trying to see the screen and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" was the loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car." ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥
You Know You Have A Bad
Computer When . . .
The lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes. The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!" The only chip inside is a dorito. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling. You catch a virus from it. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?" It cyber-snickers at you. ≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥≤≥
My wife-to-be and I were
at the client service centre for our marriage licence. After recording the vital
information, names, dates of birth, etc, the clerk handed me our licence and
deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
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My musical director wasn't
happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to
get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the
director said in frustration, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument,
they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer. |
