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From Carlisle ,Indiana U.S.A.  Welcome
to The Funnies est.7-4-2000
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us." These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can
repair almost anything.
Welcome New Subscribers If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get
older than it is to get wiser
God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people I never liked , The good fortune to run into the
ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

TUESDAY JULY 31,2007
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The road to success is a toll road. Pay that
small, daily fee, and you'll be able to go most anywhere you want. Leave some
time for fun, and you'll enjoy the ride. - Steve
Goodier
WHY I
LOVE BLONDES A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are
recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up. A
crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company
cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company
boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install
into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the
job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in
the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the
back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew
returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the
job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the
other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is
not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no
problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours.
Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and
breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What
happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What
do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No
way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say
the blondes. "They only put the pole
in halfway!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. How do you make a blonde
laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on
Wednesday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you call a brunette with a blonde on
each side of her? An interpreter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you
call a brunette between two blondes? A mental
block. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jill, a blonde, approaches the edge of a
river. On the other side, she sees another blonde. Jill asks
her,
"Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The
blonde
responds....
"You're on
the other
side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q.
What's the advantage of being married to a blond?
A. You can park in
handicapped zones. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Why did the blonde only smell
good on her right side?
A. She didn't know where to buy Left
Guard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What does a post card from a blonde's
vacation say?
A. "Having a wonderful time! Where am
I?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A defense attorney was cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer,
did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently
observed a person matching the description of the offender running several
blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer
who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description
of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir,
with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do
you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your
clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.
Q.
And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you
have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if
you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see
sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have
been known to wander into that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted
in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has
since been nominated for the year's "Best comeback" line and we think he'll
win hands down! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two men waiting at the Pearly
Gates, strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the
second guy.
"I froze to death," says the second guy.
"That's
awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze
to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift
off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a
heart attack," says the first man, "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on
me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and
found her alone knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding
there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, either.
Then I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a
massive heart attack and died!"
The second man shakes his
head,
"That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean ironic?" asks
the first man.
"Well, if you had only stopped to look in the freezer,
we'd both still be alive." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man approaches the
sales counter of an auto parts store.
"Excuse me," he says to the clerk.
"I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo."
"Sure," the clerk
replies. "Sounds like a fair exchange to
me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Teacher: Billy, do you think Noah did
alot of fishing on the Ark?
Billie: What? With ony two
worms? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots'
uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a
guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and
faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats
realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the
airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough
into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the
plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a
little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure ! in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of
the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these
days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna
die." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Joe's wife ran away, he got so
depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the
psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living." "Don't be
stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you
to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for
a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks," Joe
replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was sitting at home one evening,
when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach
was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes
and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when
the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there
again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him
before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home
when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there
yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running
off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone
and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they
saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He
asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot
cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The
doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going
around." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a
snake?
A. When you run over a snake, you don't back up to make sure it's
dead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. How do you save a drowning
lawyer?
A. Take your foot off his
head. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why
shouldn't you swerve and hit him?
A. It might be your
bicycle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the difference between a
vampire and a lawyer?
A. A vampire sucks bloods only at
night. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An engineer, a physicist, and a
lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer (CEO)
of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first and was asked a
long list of questions, endiing with. . .
"How much is two plus
two?"
The engineer excused himself and made a series of measurements
and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing. .
.
"Four!"
The physicist was interviewed next and was asked the
same questions. Again, the last question was. . .
"How much is two
plus two?"
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made
for the library, and did a great deal of research. After consulting with
the United States Bureau of Standards and making many calculations, he
also announced. . .
"Four!"
The lawyer was interviewed last,
and again.... the final question was. . .
"How much is two plus
two?"
The lawyer draws all the shades in the room, looks outside to see
if anyone is there, checks the telephone for listening devices, and
finally whispers. .
.
"How much do you want
it to
be?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At
Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human
beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a
pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a
wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a
field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a
bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed
to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes,"
said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The math teacher saw that little Johnny
wasn't paying attention in class She called on him and said, "Johnny! What
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and
the Cartoon Network!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks
you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The
teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I
hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At his request, each morning
three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his
size two T- shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became
a brilliant magic blue and red cape.
And he became Superman. Outfitted
each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring
escapades. He was Superman.
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall
when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the
interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.
"Superman," he answered
politely and without pause.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative
glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name,
please."
Again, Ray answered, "Superman."
Realizing the situation
demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her
eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have
your real name for the records."
Sensing he'd have to play straight with
the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and
patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed
with conspiracy, "Clark Kent." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's
ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
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Today, we check our collection of news we call ...
"Truth is Stranger than....!" Weird, crazy items that are somewhat
hard to believe. We cannot vouch for the authticity, but
we assume they are true as they come from the major news gathering
organizations. In short ... we'll let you decide....
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Cat fight occurs outside the zoo
ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) -- Two women got into a physical
fight over a parking space in a crowded lot at a Minnesota zoo.
The
problem started Sunday afternoon when a 22-year-old Scandia woman and her friend
spied a spot someone was leaving at the Como Zoo in St. Paul. Although a minivan
was queued up to take the spot, the woman got out and stood in the space to
reserve it until her friend could park there.
While the woman was
standing there, the minivan driver moved closer, threatening to run her down,
the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported Tuesday. When she stood her ground, a woman
passenger allegedly got out of the minivan and attacked the woman, allegedly
shoving, punching and scratching her, as well as ripping her shirt.
The
minivan driver separated the two and they took off, police said.
Tom
Walsh, a spokesman for St. Paul police, said both women have important lessons
to learn, like waiting your turn and not behaving badly because someone else
has. As it turned out, the first woman's provocative behavior was for nothing,
since her friend found another space while she was standing there.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Tree endangered by sex-enhancement rumor
KAMPALA, Uganda (UPI) -- The alleged ability of the
citropsis articulata tree to enhance a man's libido and virility has it facing
extinction in the East African nation of Uganda.
Based on nationwide
rumors, the roots of the tree known as omuboro have been seen as a sexual
medication and now many researchers have begun warning Ugandan officials the
demand for the all-natural item may soon surpass the nation's supplies, the BBC
said Wednesday.
Researchers offered their warning regarding the tree's
troubled future during a recent symposium in the Ugandan capital of Kampala.
An employee at Uganda's Makerere University, who wished to remain
anonymous, said the alleged sexual enhancer even has been embraced by some local
professors.
"I actually know a number of professors who have recommended
it and during our field research, locals also recommend it," she told the BBC.
"Some of them are open and tell you that they have used it and it's very
good."
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Paralyzed woman offers foregiveness
EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) -- A man avoided a jail term
in Scotland because the woman left paralyzed when hit by a traffic cone he
tossed from a bridge offered her forgiveness in court.
Instead of
incarceration, Andrew Smith, 30, of Australia is to perform 180 hours of
community service, The Scotsman reported Wednesday.
The woman he
injured, Kate Flannery, 24, suffered a broken skull and three fractured
vertebrae when injured while chatting with friends outside a pub last November.
She is recovering but is expected to have weakness in one or more limbs the
remainder of her life.
But the postgraduate occupational therapy student
from Ireland told Edinburgh High Court she bore no ill will toward Smith and
didn't want to see him go to jail. Judge Lady Dorrian responded by saying Smith,
who had been drunk at the time of the accident, had been "stupid, thoughtless
and showed a degree of immaturity not to be expected of someone of his age." But
she noted there had been no intent to harm anyone.
Dorrian said she had
"nothing but admiration" for Flannery.
"She has shown great courage,
fortitude and strength of character in the way she has dealt with her injuries,"
she said.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Man's love of reading costs him his home
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. (UPI) -- A bookstore owner's obsession
with the written word has cost him his Pennsylvania home after local officials
deemed his book collection a fire hazard.
Authorities in Wilkes-Barre,
Pa., condemned John Puchniak's apartment this year when a routine inspection
raised concern the bookstore owner's collection of nearly 3,000 texts could
cause a fire, The (Wilkes-Barre) Times Leader reported Wednesday.
Puchniak now resides in a local hotel, while attempting to limit the
stacks upon stacks of books that decorate his condemned apartment.
But
even if he can restore the apartment to acceptable living standards, Puchniak
has said he cannot afford to appeal the city to reopen his home.
Attorney Jim Hayward has become a champion for the troubled literary
fan, attempting to convince local officials to let the 59-year-old store his
growing collection as he sees fit.
"Their (the city's) priorities are
wrong. This is not the guy they should be going after," he told the newspaper.
"The average person may not agree with how John stores his books, but does that
mean it's wrong?"
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Fluffy the boa constrictor is missing
MEMPHIS (UPI) -- A 5-foot-long boa constrictor named
Fluffy is missing in Memphis, but its concerned owner says the natural predator
is harmless.
Dana Shields said Fluffy managed to escape from her yard
this month near the Galloway Golf Course, but she urged residents not to let the
snake's looks fool them, The Memphis Commercial Appeal reported Wednesday.
"He's not a threat," said Shields, 39. "He can't eat anything larger
than a rat. I just don't want someone to hurt him."
Shields said while
the boa constrictor would occasionally wrap itself around her neck, it was done
out of love and not for food or sport.
But she does recognize the effect
Fluffy's appearance can have on strangers, perhaps explaining why he hasn't been
returned since disappearing July 8.
"People screech to a halt when they
see him," Shields said.
Shields has offered a $300 reward for Fluffy's
return.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Crocodiles helping protect Indian forests
BHUBANESWAR, India (UPI) -- The Indian forestry
department released 48 crocodiles into the wild last week in an attempt to stop
the depletion of the nation's mangrove forests.
Forestry officials said
releasing the potentially deadly beasts, which were all bred in captivity,
should make poachers reconsider journeying into the wild to gather their
ill-gotten gains, The (Kolkata) Telegraph said Tuesday.
"We are pressing
into service these reptiles for forest conservation. Once the crocs are firmly
ensconced in the water inlets, human intrusion would greatly be curtailed,"
forestry official Golakh Rout said. "As the people here take the water route to
sneak into the forest, we feel the crocs will come in handy to protect the
greens,"
The Telegraph said the reptiles were all released within the
Bhitarkanika wildlife sanctuary, where a large amount of mangrove trees have
been felled by area residents.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Refrigerator acted as makeshift cat coffin
MONTREAL (UPI) -- Movers cleaning out a loft in the
Canadian province of Quebec recently found 43 dead cats placed in a refrigerator
alongside condiments and other food items.
The Montreal loft previously
had been rented by a couple in their 50s and the discovery of their grisly
refrigerator contents left their former neighbors questioning the couple's
motivation, The (Montreal) Gazette said Wednesday.
"The impression I'm
starting to get is that they wanted to have their own animal sanctuary," said
Greg Wanless, who lives in the loft next door.
The fact that syringes
were found in many of the cats' bodies has led some to postulate the couple may
have given the felines impromptu medical care.
Another 13 cats were
found in the apartment alive and are receiving appropriate medical treatment.
The Gazette said authorities were determining whether they can charge
the couple with animal cruelty, since Canadian law states an intent to be cruel
must be proven for prosecution.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Estranged 9/11 dad seeks compensation
NEW YORK (UPI) -- The estranged father of a man killed
in the World Trade Center five years ago is now fighting for half the $2.9
million awarded to his son's estate.
Philadelphia native Kenneth M.
Caldwell hadn't seen his father in 17 years when he perished Sept. 11, 2001.
Yet, according to The Philadelphia Inquirer, deadbeat dad Leon W.
Caldwell has filed a lawsuit in federal court in Brooklyn, claiming he should be
entitled to half the money granted to Kenneth's estate by the federal 9/11
Victims Recovery Fund. Leon Caldwell left his family in 1973 and had little
contact with his two sons afterward.
Rulings in similar cases previously
have discounted the claims of absentee fathers. Paul J. Bschorr, an attorney for
Kenneth's mother, Elsie Goss-Caldwell, said he hopes the judge hearing this case
will do the same.
Caldwell, a cook living in New Jersey, could not be
reached for comment.
Kenneth was a 30-year-old technology representative
in the New York office of Alliance Consulting of Philadelphia when he died
without leaving a will. His body was never recovered.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Alleged 'Panty Burglar' nabbed in Denver
DENVER (UPI) -- Denver police have nabbed a man they
believe is the "Panty Burglar," who entered houses and took women's clothing and
photographs.
Carlos Vigil was charged Monday with seven counts of
burglary involving three break-ins, The Denver Post reported.
Investigators say that the "Panty Burglar" was an
opportunist who used windows left open or doggie doors to get in.
Vigil was released on $75,000 bail. Another court
appearance is scheduled for June 28.
In a recent case, a man in Fort Collins, Colo., was
charged with stealing more than 1,300 pieces of women's underwear from laundry
rooms in buildings near Colorado State University.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
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Fried mouse found in Frito Lay bag
HAVRE, Mo. (UPI) -- A Havre, Mo., resident said he would
never buy barbecue potato chips again after finding a deep fried mouse in a bag
of Lays K.C. Masterpiece chips.
Jack Hines, 66, discovered the deep fried mouse when he
reached into a bag of Lays June 19, the Havre Daily News reported.
"I just about put it in my mouth," said Hines. "I was
sitting there watching TV in the dark and I grabbed for three fingers of potato
chips and I grabbed a mouse. It shook me up a bit and I threw it over my head."
After finding the rodent he contacted Gary and Leo's IGA
in Havre, where he purchased the chips, to see what he should do about it.
"They told me to call the 800 number on the back of the
bag," Hines said. "The lady that I talked to (from the 800 number) said they
wanted the mouse and the bag of remaining chips that were left. They did ask me
if I was feeling sick, and I said no I am not."
He said a Frito Lay representative is scheduled to come
to Havre to pick up the mouse and bag of chips.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
This news arrived on: 07/24/2007
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Fancy Vegas hotel suite is $40,000 a night
LAS VEGAS (UPI) -- A Las Vegas resort is setting the bar
high for extravagant hospitality, offering a two-story "sky villa" with a
Jacuzzi and a butler for $40,000 a night.
Located in the Palms Casino Resort, the Playboy-themed,
Hugh Hefner Sky Villa is 10,000-square-feet and has a $700,000 Jacuzzi with
breathtaking views of the Las Vegas Strip, as well as a bed that rotates beneath
a mirrored ceiling, The Los Angeles Times reported.
The posh digs are the most expensive of 101 U.S. hotel
suites featured in an annual survey conducted by Elite Traveler, a magazine for
readers with average household incomes of more than $5 million.
Also making the list are the Hotel Bel-Air, the
Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, the Beverly Wilshire, the Setai hotel in Miami and
the Palms' Hardwood Suite, which boasts half a basketball court and a locker
room.
Room prices at the Hefner layout start at $1,500 and
include various perks like an indoor pool, personal chef or use of a Maserati
Quattroporte sedan.
Doug Gollan, editor in chief of Elite Traveler, said an
"amazingly huge concentration of wealth" is creating a demand for the high-end
suites.
Copyright 2007 by United Press International
This news arrived on: 07/20/2007
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People Different From Us
Pablo Castro, 26, was sent to the hospital twice in
Decatur, Ala., on June 24, once after being stabbed in an argument and, after
his release later that day, being stabbed again while arguing with a different
person. [Decatur Daily, 6-26-07]
And Tony Hicks was hospitalized in Knoxville, Tenn., for
separate wounds on July 1, 2 and 3; he was hit by a car one night, then released
from the hospital the next day, but was back in after an intruder attacked him
in his home, and after his release the next day, he was back after police shot
him in connection with a robbery. [WBIR-TV (Knoxville)-AP, 7-5-07]
A judge in London's Southwark Crown Court sentenced Mr.
Bonney Eberendu, 36, to a mental health facility in June after he admitted that
he was the one who smeared his feces inside at least six trains over a
several-month period last year. Eberendu said the voices in his head had, on at
least five occasions, instructed him to go kill someone and that, somehow, he
was able to overcome the voices by doing what he did on the trains. [Metro
(London), 6-11-07]
In June, the town council in Ledbury, England, turned
down Timothy Fry's request to be allowed to exercise his two snakes, Rose and
Buddy, in the town's park. He said he'd been letting them roam, leashless, for
the last year with no complaints, but admitted that the two (a corn snake and a
rat snake) were getting stressed from all the attention they have been
receiving. [BBC News, 6-27-07]
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Everyday, news of the Weird and stories that are hard to
believe can be found in your newspapers. Are they authentic, we don't really
know ... all we can say is they give us a break from the daily happenings of the
world around us!!! We'll have more of "TRuth is Stranger than....." again real
soon! GGG's will be back tomorrow, we promise!
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 **** ON THIS DAY
****
Heartache
It isn't the thing you do, dear, Its the
thing you leave undone That gives you a bit of a heartache At setting of
the sun. The tender work forgotten, The letter you did not write,
The flowers you did not send, dear, Are your haunting ghosts at
night. The stone you might have lifted Out of a brother's way; The
bit of heartsome counsel You were hurried too much to say; The loving
touch of the hand, dear, The gentle, winning tone Which you had no time
nor thought for With troubles enough of your own. Those little acts of
kindness So easily out of mind, Those chances to be angels Which we
poor mortals find~ They come in night and silence, Each sad, reproachful
wraith, When hope is faint and flagging, And a chill has fallen on
faith. For life is all too short, dear, And sorrow is all to great,
To suffer our slow compassion That tarries until too late: And it
isn't the thing you do, dear, It's the thing you leave undone Which
gives you a bit of heartache At the setting of the sun. author
unknown ~ THE OLD MAN AND THE DOG
"Watch out!
You nearly broad-sided that car!" My father yelled at me. "Can't you do
anything right?" Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward
the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump
rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another
battle. "I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My
voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt.
Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad
in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark,
heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant
thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? Dad
had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed being
outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of
nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed
often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to
his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't
lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him
outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone
teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had
done as a younger man. Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a
heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic
administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was
rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something
inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to
follow doctors orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with
sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped
altogether. Dad was left alone. My husband, Rick, and I asked Dad to come
live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere
would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the
invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I
did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on
Rick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Rick sought out our pastor
and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling
appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to
soothe Dad's troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent. A
raindrop struck my cheek. I looked up into the gray sky. Somewhere up there
was "God." Although I believe a Supreme Being had created the universe, I had
difficulty believing that God cared about the tiny human beings on this
earth. I was tired of waiting for a God who did not answer. Something had to
be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone
book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the
Yellow Pages. I explained my problem in vain to each of the sympathetic
voices that answered. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices
suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go
get the article."
I listened as she read. The article described a
remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under
treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved
dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog. I drove to
the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a
uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my
nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs.
Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs - all jumped
up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other
for various reasons, too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last
pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to
the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world's
aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. Years had etched his
face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided
triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and
clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell
me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement.
"He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the
gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim
him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is
up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to
the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?" "Ma'am," he said
gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog."
I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision.
"I'll take him," I said. I drove home with the dog on the front seat
beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my
prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. "Ta-da! Look
what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his
face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would
have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't
want it." Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.
Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and
pounded into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's
staying!" Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed. At
those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes
narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists,
when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad
and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.
Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw.
Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then
Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm
and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne. Together he
and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty
lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for
tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad
sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. Dad and Cheyenne
were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad's bitterness faded,
and he and Cheyenne made many friends.
Then late one night I was
startled to feel Cheyenne's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He
had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Rick, put on my robe
and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his
spirit had left quietly sometime during the night. Two days later my
shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's
bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Rick and I
buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the
help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind. The morning of
Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I
feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family.
I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the
church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the
dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews
13:2. "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers..." "I've often thanked
God for sending that angel," he said. For me, the past dropped into place,
completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that
had just read the right article... Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the
animal shelter. His calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father...and
the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that
God had answered my prayers after all.
**** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please
Help
This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is
excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An American Heart Association web site on physical
activity for women
and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Organ and Tissue
Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/It takes less than a
minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free
(pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their
corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate
mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com& The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"
for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their
corporate sponsors/advertisers
use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U
Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this jim4615@joink.com subject
Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
-31-
Bonnie Brown, "The Browns," born Sparkman, AR 1937.
Steve Gibson, session guitarist/producer, born Peoria, IL
1952.
Chad Brock professional wrestler/singer, born Ocala, Fl
1963.
Jim Reeves, age 39, killed in plane crash near Nashville, TN
1964. Jim was flying the plane. Also killed in the crash was his pianist
Dean Manuel. Inducted CMHF 1967.
WSM personality Haril Hensley, took over the all night radio
show "Opry Star Spotlight," from Ralph Emery 1972. Emery took over the
show in 1957, and under his guidance, it became one of the all-time favorite
radio shows in country music history.
Thomas "Thumbs" Carlisle, age 56, died 1987.
Alan Jackson's "Chattahoochee" topped the charts 1993.
Ramblin Jimmie Dolan, age 77, died 1994.
Joe Diffie's single "A Night To Remember" charted 1999.
Chad Brock's single "Ordinary Life" debuted on Billboard's Top
40 Chart 1999.
Leona Williams underwent cancer surgery in Branson, MO 2001.
Curb Records released Junior Brown's "Mixed Bag" 2001.
Delta Disc released the Bellamy Brothers album "The 25 Year
Collection, Vol. 2" 2001.
Ryan Tyler debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 2004.
****
COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Little Big Town's Kimberly Roads gives birth

Kimberly
Roads of Little Big Town and husband Stephen Schlapman are the parents of Daisy
Pearl, born Friday in Phoenix. Roads gave birth a few weeks early while on tour
with the band. "I guess we really do do everything together," said an exhausted
but overjoyed Roads in a press release. "Sweet little Daisy Pearl wasn't due for
another three weeks, but it seems life on the road is just too exciting to be
missed." The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 10
ounces....
Brad
Paisley will perform live on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on their Toyota
Summer Concert Series on Wednesday, Aug. 1. Paisley is scheduled to perform his
new hit single, "Online," live. He also will play his chart topper "Ticks" for
the live show audience and both songs along with an exclusive interview from his
backstage dressing room will stream on NBC's web site....
Kenny Chesney went to the top of the Billboard country music song chart
for the week ending Aug. 8 with "Never Wanted Nothing More" after only 8 weeks
on the chart. Chesney, who was second last week, overtook Big & Rich's "Lost
In This Moment," which fell to third. On the album chart, newcomer Taylor Swift
rose to the top with her self-titled debut, 39 weeks after its release. Swift
took over for Brad Paisley's "5th Gear," which fell to
second....
A Theory On Why Record Labels Want Such High Royalty
Rates
By Eliot Van Buskirk July 30, 2007 I 2:55:47
PMCategories: Save Net Radio The fight between radio stations and record
labels will take another turn tomorrow when the House subcommittee on the
Courts, the Internet, and Intellectual Property hears from representatives from
both sides, in an effort to determine whether AM/FM stations should start paying
performance royalties, as well as whether they should pay the same rates for
their online simulcasts that webcasters do.
Taking a step back and
looking at all the current squabbling over royalties, a trend is becoming clear.
With record sales declining sharply, it's starting to look like the labels no
longer care about radio's ability to drive sales, and in fact, may not care much
about sales in the future. If nobody's going to buy it, why promote an album for
free on the radio? Instead, their thinking seems to go, "let's force radio
stations to pay royalties so high that we can survive without selling
music."
I don't like what they're trying to do to radio stations and
webcasters. But for once, at least, the labels appear to be showing some kind of
vision -- even if it is lopsided in their favor.
THAT
COULD BE TRUE,HOWEVER I CAN SUM IT UP IN ONE WORD
GREED I WOULD MUCH RATHER DOWNLOAD THE MUSIC FOR FREE (BORROW),THEN SENT THE
COST DIRECTLY TO THE ARTIST! IT'S NOT THAT I HATE RECORD LABELS I JUST HATE
GREEDY COMPANIES ,LIKE OIL COMPANIES.......JIM

**** Amy's Kitchen ****
Marinated Chicken Wings
1 package chicken wings 1 cup
soy sauce (1/2 Yoshida's Gormet sauce if you can find it) 1/4 cup dry white
wine 2 cloves garlic, crushed 3 T. sugar 1/4 cup oil (peanut or
olive) 1 T. ginger
Mix all the ingredients together in large bowl and
marinate overnight. Bake at 325 (yes 325 degrees) for 90 minutes, turn and
bake another 90 minutes. If you don't trust me, bake at 275 for a not so
chewy wing, but delicious
anyway.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
What is "Stockholm
Syndrome"?
Stockholm Syndrome describes the behavior of kidnap victims
who, over time, become sympathetic to their captors. The name derives from a
1973 hostage incident in Stockholm, Sweden. At the end of six days of captivity
in a bank, several kidnap victims actually resisted rescue attempts, and
afterwards refused to testify against their captors.
The most famous
incident in the U.S. involved the kidnapped heiress Patty Hearst. Captured by a
radical political group known as the Symbionese Liberation Army in 1974, Ms.
Hearst eventually became an accomplice of the group, taking on an assumed name
and assisting them in several bank robberies. After her re-capture, she
denounced the group and her involvement.
What causes Stockholm Syndrome?
Captives begin to identify with their captors initially as a defensive
mechanism, out of fear of violence. Small acts of kindness by the captor are
magnified, since finding perspective in a hostage situation is by definition
impossible. Rescue attempts are also seen as a threat, since it's likely the
captive would be injured during such attempts.
It's important to note
that these symptoms occur under tremendous emotional and often physical duress.
The behavior is considered a common survival strategy for victims of
interpersonal abuse, and has been observed in battered spouses, abused children,
prisoners of war, and concentration camp survivors.
****A PARTING THOUGHT **** The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for

LAST CALL
Y'ALL Farmer
Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the
trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said
the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I
had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."
"I didn't ask
for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you
not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said,
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road
..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time
the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule
Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the
road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in
such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
 
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR! In God I
trust. All others we polygraph
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