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Subject: The Daily Funnies - July31, 2007



 
 



From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.


Welcome to T
he Funnies
est.7-4-2000

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.


TUESDAY JULY  31,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The road to success is a toll road. Pay that small, daily fee, and you'll be able to go most anywhere you want. Leave some time for fun, and you'll enjoy the ride. - Steve Goodier


WHY I LOVE BLONDES
A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting
workers.

The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men
and a crew of five blonde women.

The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a
test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole
that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in
first, they will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the
company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.

A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.

"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other
crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not
because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men.

An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the
Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as
if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in
halfway!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on each side of her?
An interpreter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A mental block.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill, a blonde, approaches the edge of a river. On the other side, she
sees another blonde. Jill asks her,

"Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"

The blonde responds....

        "You're on the other side."
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the advantage of being married to a blond?

A. You can park in handicapped zones.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why did the blonde only smell good on her right side?

A. She didn't know where to buy Left Guard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What does a post card from a blonde's vacation say?

A. "Having a wonderful time! Where am I?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony
trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a
locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes
in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a
court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to wander into that
room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was
called. The officer on the stand has since been nominated for the year's
"Best comeback" line and we think he'll win hands down!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates, strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second guy.

"I froze to death," says the second guy.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to
death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually,
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as
if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man, "You see, I knew my wife was
cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to
the bedroom and found her alone knitting. I ran down to the basement,
but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one
was hiding there, either. Then I ran as fast as I could to the attic,
and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died!"

The second man shakes his head,

"That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean ironic?" asks the first man.

"Well, if you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still
be alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man approaches the sales counter of an auto parts store.

"Excuse me," he says to the clerk. "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my
Yugo."

"Sure," the clerk replies. "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: Billy, do you think Noah did alot of fishing on the Ark?

Billie: What? With ony two worms?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster
down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize
they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport
territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into
the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane
lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure ! in the
knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and
we're all gonna die."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Joe's wife ran away, he got so depressed that his
doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his
troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living." "Don't be stupid, Joe,"
said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to
totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a
living?"

"I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When
he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered
off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang
again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.
This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before
running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell
rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and
summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man
what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's
attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug
going around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?

A. When you run over a snake, you don't back up to make sure it's dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you save a drowning lawyer?

A. Take your foot off his head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve and hit
him?

A. It might be your bicycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?

A. A vampire sucks bloods only at night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a
position as chief executive officer (CEO) of a large corporation. The
engineer was interviewed first and was asked a long list of questions,
endiing with. . .

"How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself and made a series of measurements and
calculations before returning to the board room and announcing. . .

"Four!"

The physicist was interviewed next and was asked the same questions.
Again, the last question was. . .

"How much is two plus two?"

Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the
library, and did a great deal of research. After consulting with the
United States Bureau of Standards and making many calculations, he also
announced. . .

"Four!"

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again.... the final question was. .
.

"How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer draws all the shades in the room, looks outside to see if
anyone is there, checks the telephone for listening devices, and finally
whispers. . .

        "How much do you want it to be?"
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten
class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him
lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the
policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little
Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand
up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do
you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see
you standing there all by yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath
towel to the back shoulders of his size two T- shirt. Immediately in his
young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red
cape.

And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days
were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him
in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher
asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked
again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide
amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice
quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes
around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed
towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy,
"Clark Kent."

 
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Today, we check our collection of news we call ... "Truth is Stranger than....!" Weird, crazy items that are somewhat

hard to believe. We cannot vouch for the authticity, but we assume they are true as they come from the major news gathering organizations. In short ... we'll let you decide....

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Cat fight occurs outside the zoo

ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) -- Two women got into a physical fight over a parking space in a crowded lot at a Minnesota zoo.

The problem started Sunday afternoon when a 22-year-old Scandia woman and her friend spied a spot someone was leaving at the Como Zoo in St. Paul. Although a minivan was queued up to take the spot, the woman got out and stood in the space to reserve it until her friend could park there.

While the woman was standing there, the minivan driver moved closer, threatening to run her down, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported Tuesday. When she stood her ground, a woman passenger allegedly got out of the minivan and attacked the woman, allegedly shoving, punching and scratching her, as well as ripping her shirt.

The minivan driver separated the two and they took off, police said.

Tom Walsh, a spokesman for St. Paul police, said both women have important lessons to learn, like waiting your turn and not behaving badly because someone else has. As it turned out, the first woman's provocative behavior was for nothing, since her friend found another space while she was standing there.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Tree endangered by sex-enhancement rumor

KAMPALA, Uganda (UPI) -- The alleged ability of the citropsis articulata tree to enhance a man's libido and virility has it facing extinction in the East African nation of Uganda.

Based on nationwide rumors, the roots of the tree known as omuboro have been seen as a sexual medication and now many researchers have begun warning Ugandan officials the demand for the all-natural item may soon surpass the nation's supplies, the BBC said Wednesday.

Researchers offered their warning regarding the tree's troubled future during a recent symposium in the Ugandan capital of Kampala.

An employee at Uganda's Makerere University, who wished to remain anonymous, said the alleged sexual enhancer even has been embraced by some local professors.

"I actually know a number of professors who have recommended it and during our field research, locals also recommend it," she told the BBC.

"Some of them are open and tell you that they have used it and it's very good."

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Paralyzed woman offers foregiveness

EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) -- A man avoided a jail term in Scotland because the woman left paralyzed when hit by a traffic cone he tossed from a bridge offered her forgiveness in court.

Instead of incarceration, Andrew Smith, 30, of Australia is to perform 180 hours of community service, The Scotsman reported Wednesday.

The woman he injured, Kate Flannery, 24, suffered a broken skull and three fractured vertebrae when injured while chatting with friends outside a pub last November. She is recovering but is expected to have weakness in one or more limbs the remainder of her life.

But the postgraduate occupational therapy student from Ireland told Edinburgh High Court she bore no ill will toward Smith and didn't want to see him go to jail. Judge Lady Dorrian responded by saying Smith, who had been drunk at the time of the accident, had been "stupid, thoughtless and showed a degree of immaturity not to be expected of someone of his age." But she noted there had been no intent to harm anyone.

Dorrian said she had "nothing but admiration" for Flannery.

"She has shown great courage, fortitude and strength of character in the way she has dealt with her injuries," she said.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Man's love of reading costs him his home

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. (UPI) -- A bookstore owner's obsession with the written word has cost him his Pennsylvania home after local officials deemed his book collection a fire hazard.

Authorities in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., condemned John Puchniak's apartment this year when a routine inspection raised concern the bookstore owner's collection of nearly 3,000 texts could cause a fire, The (Wilkes-Barre) Times Leader reported Wednesday.

Puchniak now resides in a local hotel, while attempting to limit the stacks upon stacks of books that decorate his condemned apartment.

But even if he can restore the apartment to acceptable living standards, Puchniak has said he cannot afford to appeal the city to reopen his home.

Attorney Jim Hayward has become a champion for the troubled literary fan, attempting to convince local officials to let the 59-year-old store his growing collection as he sees fit.

"Their (the city's) priorities are wrong. This is not the guy they should be going after," he told the newspaper. "The average person may not agree with how John stores his books, but does that mean it's wrong?"

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Fluffy the boa constrictor is missing

MEMPHIS (UPI) -- A 5-foot-long boa constrictor named Fluffy is missing in Memphis, but its concerned owner says the natural predator is harmless.

Dana Shields said Fluffy managed to escape from her yard this month near the Galloway Golf Course, but she urged residents not to let the snake's looks fool them, The Memphis Commercial Appeal reported Wednesday.

"He's not a threat," said Shields, 39. "He can't eat anything larger than a rat. I just don't want someone to hurt him."

Shields said while the boa constrictor would occasionally wrap itself around her neck, it was done out of love and not for food or sport.

But she does recognize the effect Fluffy's appearance can have on strangers, perhaps explaining why he hasn't been returned since disappearing July 8.

"People screech to a halt when they see him," Shields said.

Shields has offered a $300 reward for Fluffy's return.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Crocodiles helping protect Indian forests

BHUBANESWAR, India (UPI) -- The Indian forestry department released 48 crocodiles into the wild last week in an attempt to stop the depletion of the nation's mangrove forests.

Forestry officials said releasing the potentially deadly beasts, which were all bred in captivity, should make poachers reconsider journeying into the wild to gather their ill-gotten gains, The (Kolkata) Telegraph said Tuesday.

"We are pressing into service these reptiles for forest conservation. Once the crocs are firmly ensconced in the water inlets, human intrusion would greatly be curtailed," forestry official Golakh Rout said. "As the people here take the water route to sneak into the forest, we feel the crocs will come in handy to protect the greens,"

The Telegraph said the reptiles were all released within the Bhitarkanika wildlife sanctuary, where a large amount of mangrove trees have been felled by area residents.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Refrigerator acted as makeshift cat coffin

MONTREAL (UPI) -- Movers cleaning out a loft in the Canadian province of Quebec recently found 43 dead cats placed in a refrigerator alongside condiments and other food items.

The Montreal loft previously had been rented by a couple in their 50s and the discovery of their grisly refrigerator contents left their former neighbors questioning the couple's motivation, The (Montreal) Gazette said Wednesday.

"The impression I'm starting to get is that they wanted to have their own animal sanctuary," said Greg Wanless, who lives in the loft next door.

The fact that syringes were found in many of the cats' bodies has led some to postulate the couple may have given the felines impromptu medical care.

Another 13 cats were found in the apartment alive and are receiving appropriate medical treatment.

The Gazette said authorities were determining whether they can charge the couple with animal cruelty, since Canadian law states an intent to be cruel must be proven for prosecution.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Estranged 9/11 dad seeks compensation

NEW YORK (UPI) -- The estranged father of a man killed in the World Trade Center five years ago is now fighting for half the $2.9 million awarded to his son's estate.

Philadelphia native Kenneth M. Caldwell hadn't seen his father in 17 years when he perished Sept. 11, 2001.

Yet, according to The Philadelphia Inquirer, deadbeat dad Leon W. Caldwell has filed a lawsuit in federal court in Brooklyn, claiming he should be entitled to half the money granted to Kenneth's estate by the federal 9/11 Victims Recovery Fund. Leon Caldwell left his family in 1973 and had little contact with his two sons afterward.

Rulings in similar cases previously have discounted the claims of absentee fathers. Paul J. Bschorr, an attorney for Kenneth's mother, Elsie Goss-Caldwell, said he hopes the judge hearing this case will do the same.

Caldwell, a cook living in New Jersey, could not be reached for comment.

Kenneth was a 30-year-old technology representative in the New York office of Alliance Consulting of Philadelphia when he died without leaving a will. His body was never recovered.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Alleged 'Panty Burglar' nabbed in Denver

DENVER (UPI) -- Denver police have nabbed a man they believe is the "Panty Burglar," who entered houses and took women's clothing and photographs.

Carlos Vigil was charged Monday with seven counts of burglary involving three break-ins, The Denver Post reported.

Investigators say that the "Panty Burglar" was an opportunist who used windows left open or doggie doors to get in.

Vigil was released on $75,000 bail. Another court appearance is scheduled for June 28.

In a recent case, a man in Fort Collins, Colo., was charged with stealing more than 1,300 pieces of women's underwear from laundry rooms in buildings near Colorado State University.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

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Fried mouse found in Frito Lay bag

HAVRE, Mo. (UPI) -- A Havre, Mo., resident said he would never buy barbecue potato chips again after finding a deep fried mouse in a bag of Lays K.C. Masterpiece chips.

Jack Hines, 66, discovered the deep fried mouse when he reached into a bag of Lays June 19, the Havre Daily News reported.

"I just about put it in my mouth," said Hines. "I was sitting there watching TV in the dark and I grabbed for three fingers of potato chips and I grabbed a mouse. It shook me up a bit and I threw it over my head."

After finding the rodent he contacted Gary and Leo's IGA in Havre, where he purchased the chips, to see what he should do about it.

"They told me to call the 800 number on the back of the bag," Hines said. "The lady that I talked to (from the 800 number) said they wanted the mouse and the bag of remaining chips that were left. They did ask me if I was feeling sick, and I said no I am not."

He said a Frito Lay representative is scheduled to come to Havre to pick up the mouse and bag of chips.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

This news arrived on: 07/24/2007

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Fancy Vegas hotel suite is $40,000 a night

LAS VEGAS (UPI) -- A Las Vegas resort is setting the bar high for extravagant hospitality, offering a two-story "sky villa" with a Jacuzzi and a butler for $40,000 a night.

Located in the Palms Casino Resort, the Playboy-themed, Hugh Hefner Sky Villa is 10,000-square-feet and has a $700,000 Jacuzzi with breathtaking views of the Las Vegas Strip, as well as a bed that rotates beneath a mirrored ceiling, The Los Angeles Times reported.

The posh digs are the most expensive of 101 U.S. hotel suites featured in an annual survey conducted by Elite Traveler, a magazine for readers with average household incomes of more than $5 million.

Also making the list are the Hotel Bel-Air, the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, the Beverly Wilshire, the Setai hotel in Miami and the Palms' Hardwood Suite, which boasts half a basketball court and a locker room.

Room prices at the Hefner layout start at $1,500 and include various perks like an indoor pool, personal chef or use of a Maserati Quattroporte sedan.

Doug Gollan, editor in chief of Elite Traveler, said an "amazingly huge concentration of wealth" is creating a demand for the high-end suites.

Copyright 2007 by United Press International

This news arrived on: 07/20/2007

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People Different From Us

Pablo Castro, 26, was sent to the hospital twice in Decatur, Ala., on June 24, once after being stabbed in an argument and, after his release later that day, being stabbed again while arguing with a different person. [Decatur Daily, 6-26-07]

And Tony Hicks was hospitalized in Knoxville, Tenn., for separate wounds on July 1, 2 and 3; he was hit by a car one night, then released from the hospital the next day, but was back in after an intruder attacked him in his home, and after his release the next day, he was back after police shot him in connection with a robbery. [WBIR-TV (Knoxville)-AP, 7-5-07]

A judge in London's Southwark Crown Court sentenced Mr. Bonney Eberendu, 36, to a mental health facility in June after he admitted that he was the one who smeared his feces inside at least six trains over a several-month period last year. Eberendu said the voices in his head had, on at least five occasions, instructed him to go kill someone and that, somehow, he was able to overcome the voices by doing what he did on the trains. [Metro (London), 6-11-07]

In June, the town council in Ledbury, England, turned down Timothy Fry's request to be allowed to exercise his two snakes, Rose and Buddy, in the town's park. He said he'd been letting them roam, leashless, for the last year with no complaints, but admitted that the two (a corn snake and a rat snake) were getting stressed from all the attention they have been receiving. [BBC News, 6-27-07]

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Everyday, news of the Weird and stories that are hard to believe can be found in your newspapers. Are they authentic, we don't really know ... all we can say is they give us a break from the daily happenings of the world around us!!! We'll have more of "TRuth is Stranger than....." again real soon! GGG's will be back tomorrow, we promise!

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FRED
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**** ON THIS DAY ****

Heartache

It isn't the thing you do, dear,
Its the thing you leave undone
That gives you a bit of a heartache
At setting of the sun.
The tender work forgotten,
The letter you did not write,
The flowers you did not send, dear,
Are your haunting ghosts at night.
The stone you might have lifted
Out of a brother's way;
The bit of heartsome counsel
You were hurried too much to say;
The loving touch of the hand, dear,
The gentle, winning tone
Which you had no time nor thought for
With troubles enough of your own.
Those little acts of kindness
So easily out of mind,
Those chances to be angels
Which we poor mortals find~
They come in night and silence,
Each sad, reproachful wraith,
When hope is faint and flagging,
And a chill has fallen on faith.
For life is all too short, dear,
And sorrow is all to great,
To suffer our slow compassion
That tarries until too late:
And it isn't the thing you do, dear,
It's the thing you leave undone
Which gives you a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.
author unknown
~
THE OLD MAN AND THE DOG

"Watch out! You nearly broad-sided that car!" My father yelled at me.
"Can't you do anything right?"
Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly
man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose
in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.
"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice
was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt.
Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.
At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to
collect my thoughts.
Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The
rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil.
What could I do about him?
Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed
being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces
of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had
placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that
attested to his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he
couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I
saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable
whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he
couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.
Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An
ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered
CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into
an operating room. He was lucky; he survived.
But something inside Dad died.
His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors orders.
Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults.
The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was
left alone.
My husband, Rick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small
farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust.
Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed
nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became
frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on
Rick. We began to bicker and argue.
Alarmed, Rick sought out our pastor and explained the situation.
The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close
of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind.
But the months wore on and God was silent.
A raindrop struck my cheek. I looked up into the gray sky. Somewhere up
there was "God." Although I believe a Supreme Being had created the
universe, I had difficulty believing that God cared about the tiny human
beings on this earth. I was tired of waiting for a God who did not answer.
Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I
sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental
health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem in
vain to each of the sympathetic voices that answered.
Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly
exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article."

I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at
a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic
depression.
Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given
responsibility for a dog.
I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a
questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of
disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each
contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black
dogs, spotted dogs - all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied
each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons, too big, too small, too much hair.
As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner
struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down.
It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a
caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with
shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it
was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they
beheld me unwaveringly.
I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer
looked,
then shook his head in puzzlement.
"He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate.
We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him.
That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up
tomorrow." He gestured helplessly.
As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're
going to kill him?"
"Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for
every unclaimed dog."
I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision.
"I'll take him," I said.
I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached
the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch.
"Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly.
Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen
than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it." Dad waved his arm
scornfully and turned back toward the house.
Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and
pounded
into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!"
Dad ignored me.
"Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed.
At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his
eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like
duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He
wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly,
carefully, he raised his paw.
Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion
replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad
was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm
and intimate friendship.
Dad named the pointer Cheyenne.
Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours
walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of
streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday
services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at
his feet.
Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years.
Dad's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends.

Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's cold nose
burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our
bedroom at night. I woke Rick, put on my robe and ran into my father's
room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left
quietly sometime during the night.
Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne
lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he
had slept on. As Rick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I
silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring
Dad's peace of mind.
The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day
looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the
pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and
Cheyenne had made filling the church.
The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog
who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2.
"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers..."
"I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said.
For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had
not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right
article... Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter.
His calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father...and the
proximity of their deaths.
And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.



**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing.
Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-31-

Bonnie Brown, "The Browns," born Sparkman, AR 1937.

Steve Gibson, session guitarist/producer, born Peoria, IL 1952.

Chad Brock professional wrestler/singer, born Ocala, Fl 1963.

Jim Reeves, age 39, killed in plane crash near Nashville, TN 1964. Jim was flying the plane. Also killed in the crash was his pianist Dean Manuel. Inducted CMHF 1967.

WSM personality Haril Hensley, took over the all night radio show "Opry Star Spotlight," from Ralph Emery 1972. Emery took over the show in 1957, and under his guidance, it became one of the all-time favorite radio shows in country music history.

Thomas "Thumbs" Carlisle, age 56, died 1987.

Alan Jackson's "Chattahoochee" topped the charts 1993.

Ramblin Jimmie Dolan, age 77, died 1994.

Joe Diffie's single "A Night To Remember" charted 1999.

Chad Brock's single "Ordinary Life" debuted on Billboard's Top 40 Chart 1999.

Leona Williams underwent cancer surgery in Branson, MO 2001.

Curb Records released Junior Brown's "Mixed Bag" 2001.

Delta Disc released the Bellamy Brothers album "The 25 Year Collection, Vol. 2" 2001.

Ryan Tyler debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 2004.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Little Big Town's Kimberly Roads gives birth

Go to full article
Kimberly Roads of Little Big Town and husband Stephen Schlapman are the parents of Daisy Pearl, born Friday in Phoenix. Roads gave birth a few weeks early while on tour with the band. "I guess we really do do everything together," said an exhausted but overjoyed Roads in a press release. "Sweet little Daisy Pearl wasn't due for another three weeks, but it seems life on the road is just too exciting to be missed." The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 10 ounces.... 

Brad Paisley plays Leno

Go to full article
Brad Paisley will perform live on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on their Toyota Summer Concert Series on Wednesday, Aug. 1. Paisley is scheduled to perform his new hit single, "Online," live. He also will play his chart topper "Ticks" for the live show audience and both songs along with an exclusive interview from his backstage dressing room will stream on NBC's web site....

Taylor Swift, Brad Paisley top Billboard country music charts

Go to full article
Kenny Chesney went to the top of the Billboard country music song chart for the week ending Aug. 8 with "Never Wanted Nothing More" after only 8 weeks on the chart. Chesney, who was second last week, overtook Big & Rich's "Lost In This Moment," which fell to third. On the album chart, newcomer Taylor Swift rose to the top with her self-titled debut, 39 weeks after its release. Swift took over for Brad Paisley's "5th Gear," which fell to second....


A Theory On Why Record Labels Want Such High Royalty Rates


By Eliot Van Buskirk July 30, 2007 I 2:55:47 PMCategories: Save Net Radio
The fight between radio stations and record labels will take another turn tomorrow when the House subcommittee on the Courts, the Internet, and Intellectual Property hears from representatives from both sides, in an effort to determine whether AM/FM stations should start paying performance royalties, as well as whether they should pay the same rates for their online simulcasts that webcasters do.

Taking a step back and looking at all the current squabbling over royalties, a trend is becoming clear. With record sales declining sharply, it's starting to look like the labels no longer care about radio's ability to drive sales, and in fact, may not care much about sales in the future. If nobody's going to buy it, why promote an album for free on the radio? Instead, their thinking seems to go, "let's force radio stations to pay royalties so high that we can survive without selling music."

I don't like what they're trying to do to radio stations and webcasters. But for once, at least, the labels appear to be showing some kind of vision -- even if it is lopsided in their favor.

THAT COULD BE TRUE,HOWEVER I CAN SUM IT UP IN ONE WORD      GREED I WOULD MUCH RATHER DOWNLOAD THE MUSIC FOR FREE
(BORROW),THEN SENT THE COST DIRECTLY TO THE ARTIST!
IT'S NOT THAT I HATE RECORD LABELS I JUST HATE GREEDY
COMPANIES ,LIKE OIL COMPANIES.......JIM

**** Amy's Kitchen ****
  

Marinated Chicken Wings

1 package chicken wings
1 cup soy sauce (1/2 Yoshida's Gormet sauce if you can find it)
1/4 cup dry white wine
2 cloves garlic, crushed
3 T. sugar
1/4 cup oil (peanut or olive)
1 T. ginger

Mix all the ingredients together in large bowl and marinate overnight. Bake
at 325 (yes 325 degrees) for 90 minutes, turn and bake another 90 minutes. If
you don't trust me, bake at 275 for a not so chewy wing, but delicious
anyway.



**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****


What is "Stockholm Syndrome"?

Stockholm Syndrome describes the behavior of kidnap victims who, over time, become sympathetic to their captors. The name derives from a 1973 hostage incident in Stockholm, Sweden. At the end of six days of captivity in a bank, several kidnap victims actually resisted rescue attempts, and afterwards refused to testify against their captors.

The most famous incident in the U.S. involved the kidnapped heiress Patty Hearst. Captured by a radical political group known as the Symbionese Liberation Army in 1974, Ms. Hearst eventually became an accomplice of the group, taking on an assumed name and assisting them in several bank robberies. After her re-capture, she denounced the group and her involvement.

What causes Stockholm Syndrome? Captives begin to identify with their captors initially as a defensive mechanism, out of fear of violence. Small acts of kindness by the captor are magnified, since finding perspective in a hostage situation is by definition impossible. Rescue attempts are also seen as a threat, since it's likely the captive would be injured during such attempts.

It's important to note that these symptoms occur under tremendous emotional and often physical duress. The behavior is considered a common survival strategy for victims of interpersonal abuse, and has been observed in battered spouses, abused children, prisoners of war, and concentration camp survivors.





****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for



LAST CALL Y'ALL
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In
court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want
to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning,
so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. How are you feeling?'"



HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME
  

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Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
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AMERICA
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