Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices
that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something
bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life
savings in the stock market," Jill explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure
you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called
out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter!
Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced
that he was quite experienced at this sort of
thing. He stepped over with almost no look of
concern at all, wrapped his hands around the
boys gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the
quarter. The man then went back to his table as
though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are
you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was
in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman
stared at the animal. wondering if his imagination could be playing
tricks. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is
part of my job."
"Incredible!" muttered the man. "I can't believe it! I'm going to
tell your boss what a prize he has in you. An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I
can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she
would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game
is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
$5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries
to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there
will be no end to this torment unlessshe plays, agrees
to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde
doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the
lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up
a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references, no answer. He taps into
the air phone with his modem and searches the net and
the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he
sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no
avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands
her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns
back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more
than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well,
what's the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches
into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back
to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Famous Last Words:

-- I'll get a world record for this..
-- It's fireproof.
-- He's probably just hibernating.
-- What does this button do?
-- I'm making a citizen's arrest.
-- So, you're a cannibal.
-- It's probably just a rash.
-- Are you sure the power is off?
-- Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury,
so what of it?
-- The odds of that happening have to be a
million to one!
-- Pull the pin and count to what?
-- Which wire was I supposed to cut?
-- I wonder where the mother bear is.
-- I've seen this done on TV.
-- These are the good kind of mushrooms.
-- I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
-- Let it down slowly.
-- Rat poison only kills rats.
-- Just take whatever you want, this is a
ghost town.
-- It's strong enough for both of us.
-- This doesn't taste right.
-- I can make this light before it changes.
-- Nice doggie.
-- I can do that with my eyes closed.
-- I've done this before.
-- Well, we've made it this far.
-- That's odd.
-- You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on,
would you?
-- Don't be so superstitious.
-- Now watch this.
-- What duck?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why
did you make women so beautiful?",

To which God replies: "so that you would find
them attractive".

Then the man asks: "God, but why did you have to
make them so dumb?".

To which God replies: "So that they would find
you attractive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon
a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if
she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry
three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish
genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about
world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands
of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't
think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that map again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking
at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your
license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts,"
the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the
officer. "You're getting a ticket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A generously endowed young lady at college often got teased by her
sorority sisters for being so top-heavy.

At a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to
drink.

"Diet soda, please," she replied.

"Oh, you must be the double D." he said.

The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had
divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?"
she snapped.

Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly
answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Reader's Submissions ****

An initial investigation by police officers and medical staff found Wu was electrocuted. They found bruises on his legs as well as blood from his nostrils.