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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.


Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

Life is an everlasting struggle to keep money coming
in and teeth and hair from coming out.

WEDNESDAY AUGUST  8,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Nature does her best to teach us. The more we overeat, the harder
she makes it for us to get close to the table.

RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back. 4.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't
running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where
the car was; she told me "In the lake." 8. She got a mud pack and looked
great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage
truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No,
jump in!" 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
"Always." 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked
"What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.... this is the good
old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word...just
good clean and simple fun!
~~~~~
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to
do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise
downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pork
casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's
grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several
yards away.

The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in
front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward
to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning
softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Over and over again.

Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went
over to the poor man to try and console him.

"Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man
again and again.

Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered
to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a
loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
~~~~~
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to
be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that
he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like
'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,

"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our
government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from
these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus
disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root,
make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned,

"These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal
everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we
become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts
of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded,

"As our Great Leader would say, 'read my ellipse'. Here is one principle
he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are
numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before
meals.

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so
she started the discussion by asking him,

"Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answers. . .

     "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids. It's three dollars a
pound!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out.
His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to
partake in the Communion.

She leaned over once again when the basket was passed around, to tell
him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his nickle firmly in
his hand, stating. . .

           "If I can't eat, I won't pay!"

Father O'Malley answers the phone:
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OBIT FOR: Mr. Sense


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved friend, Mr. Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.


He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).


His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.


Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.


Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband;

Churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.


Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion;

His daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers;

My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.


If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.
GOOFPROOF


**** WERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat.
NORM



At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, " We wus havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said "Hey der ya fellows wanna go hunting?"

"And then what happended?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said. "I stood up and said, "Sure, I'm game." 
 

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http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pun of the Day:

 There are some that are wise. And there are others that

are otherwise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've got a crocodile named Ginger."
"Does Ginger bite?"
"No, but ginger snaps"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
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 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****


Foyt escapes injury, but gets scare when bulldozer falls into lake 
  

 

WALLER, Texas (AP) — Four-time Indianapolis 500 champion A.J. Foyt escaped injury, but got quite a scare Thursday when the bulldozer he was operating plunged into a lake and landed upside down in the water.
Foyt was working on the edge of the lake when the bank gave way under the bulldozer. He estimated the bulldozer dropped about 15 feet into the lake.

 

"It scared me," the 72-year-old Foyt said in a release early Friday from his spokeswoman, Anne Fornoro. "It was such a helpless feeling when that dirt broke away and I was going down and down."

 

Foyt still planned to fly Friday to Michigan to oversee his ABC Supply Racing team in the IndyCar Series race this weekend.

 

Foyt said the steel cage "probably saved my life, because without it, the dozer would have crushed me." Once in the water, Foyt had to crawl through the front of the cage to swim out.

 

"It was hard to do under water with all my clothes on and with my bum legs and all," Foyt said. "I'll be honest, I was panicked a little bit."
Foyt said he was out of breath by time he got on top of the bulldozer, which was totally submerged. Foyt didn't go to the hospital after the accident.

 

It took four hours and three wreckers to pull the bulldozer out of the lake about 40 miles northwest of Houston.

 

The accident came two years after Foyt was attacked by bees and stung nearly 200 times when he was using a bulldozer to clear land on another piece of property in August 2005.

 

That time, Foyt jumped off the bulldozer and started to run for a nearby stream, but he tripped and the bees swarmed onto him. He was stung dozens of times on the face before finally scrambling into the water. He refused to go the hospital.

 

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved

 

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****