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Subject: The Daily Funnies - August10, 2007



 



From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.


Welcome to T
he Funnies
est.7-4-2000

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

TGIF
FRIDAY AUGUST 10,
2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: They say that a fool and his money are soon parted.
What I'd like to know is how they got together in the first place.



WHAT A STEAL, JOKE OF THE DAY
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up
in the hills.

        Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He
goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to
empty the hole.

        Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He
must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
        .
             So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him,
"Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what
to do to empty it."

        The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one
with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the
outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off
and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one
will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing
your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot
atop the now-empty hole.."

        Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and
picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a
long fuse.

        He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights
them and runs behind a tree.

        All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the
outhouse!

        Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse
into the air.

        BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop
all over the farm.

        WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

        Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma,
are you all right??!!"

        As she pulls up her panties she says...
        "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A meter reader succeeded in getting past a vicious dog that was
on a very long chain. Later, he was asked by his superior, "How
were you able to get past that watchdog? The customer is curious."
"It was easy boss, I just parked on his chain."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on
Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object. Bobby stood and
thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful." "Why
thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct
object?" "A good report card next month," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We had driven all the way from Florida, and as we neared our destination,
our motor home began to act up. We coaxed it along until finally it quit at
a tollbooth in Delaware. The only way it was going to move was if it was
pushed.
So, with my wife driving, I and some people from the cars lined up behind
us began to shove. Slowly but steadily the motor home began to move,
and before long we were almost to the side of the road. One young man,
pushing in the area of the licence plate, called out,
"Tell me when we get to Pennsylvania!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing
outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver frantically
waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!"
he shouted at the top of his lungs. "Sir, you wouldn't want my job,"
replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours
are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most of the cooking in our house is done by my husband,
but occasionally I get to make dinner. One day it dawned on me that our
ten-year-old daughter was willing to help me, but not her father, in the kitchen.
I asked her why. "Well, Mom," she replied,
"Dad seems to know what he's doing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember the good old days when air conditioning was an oscillating fan
behind a cake of ice? Nowadays a fellow leaves an air-conditioned
office at five, gets into an air-conditioned car and drives to an air-conditioned
club - just so he can take a steam bath.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RICH
Upper crust seems to be simply a bunch of crumbs
held together by their own dough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best laid plans...
A cast on my left leg quickly forced me to pay new respect to old skills,
such as walking, navigating stairs and bathing. One day I propped my
crutches against the towel bar and plotted the maneuvers needed to get
most of me into the tub, whole and unmaimed, while keeping the cast
dry. Eventually I had every move planned. The launch strategy was
perfect, and I finally luxuriated in the warm water, the cast elevated
high and dry on a stool. As I was congratulating myself, I noticed my right
foot underwater complete with sock and running shoe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ouch!
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason.
Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that she was
going to the beauty parlor. I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate,
or are you going to get the work done?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of my responsibilities at the hospital is distributing questionnaires
to post-operative patients to determine their satisfaction with their
surgery. One response read: "The nurse helped very much in the
operating room before falling asleep."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Doc Farmer for sharing this new parody, which is to be sung to
the tune from the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Dan, The documents were
fake and he didn't give a damn; He put 'em on the air, an' he thought
he'd done the job, But up from the web come a howlin' mob.

Blogs, that is. Web logs. Checkin' facts.

Well, the first thing you know ol' Dan's a-runnin' fast; Made a false
report an' it bit him in the ass; He said ''dog-gonnit, I done thought
I'd get away!'' But it turned out to be his a-reckonin' day.

Busted, that is. Red-faced. Mud in the eye.

Well, now it's time to say goodbye to Dan and all his men; And they
would like to shoot you folks for turnin' all them in; You're all
invited back next week to watch the Evening News, And see which
correspondent's picked to fill Dan's empty shoes.

Y'all come back, now, y'heah?

~~~~~~~~~~~Colin~~~~~~~~~~
A hospital corpsman and I were helping an elderly retired chief petty
officer out of his wheelchair when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee.

"What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design.

"It's a banjo," he replied, a little sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What ???
Follow closely, this gets a little complicated. Katherine is an
Irish expatriate who used to be a man named Damien. She(?)
is married to a man in Norfolk, VA named Pat who used to be
a woman named Patricia. According to federal prosecutors,
Katherine is in the country illegally and changed her gender
to marry Pat who changed his gender to hide from his former
spouse, John Martin, whom he had never divorced. Since Pat
is still legally married to another man, his marriage to Katherine
is not binding, and now both of them are under indictment for
defrauding the Immigration and Naturalization Service. If
they're really unlucky the Feds might throw in polygamy as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and
turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.

"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed
casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late."

He said nothing at first, but as I walked to the next aisle, he called
after me. . .

      "I know. I've had three cantaloupes."

Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business.

****" WERE'S YOUR SIGN ,STUPID" ****
ReRun
DARWIN AWARD

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington appeared
to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence,
and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up,
and fired a few wild shots from a .38-caliber semiautomatic pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a
9mm semiautomatic pistol, the clerk with a 10mm semiautomatic pistol.
Several customers also drew their guns.

The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.

Police Capt. Don Persson said, "The surprising thing is that the
man had to walk right past a marked police car to get in the front door."

No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire
~&~
A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and
was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.

First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work
there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked,

"Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order
to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked,

"Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him.

The rabbi exclaimed ,

"The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately. Please!!"

The man says to the rabbi,

"I will come back only if you answer a question....

      Where was Jesus born?"

The rabbi says, "Bethlehem".

    "Of course!" cried the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania
somewhere!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"While childhood is the time of life when you make funny faces in the
mirror, it is Middle Age when the mirror gets even."

"Middle age is...when you think all of your friends are showing their
age...but not you."

"Middle Age is when I need my false teeth and my hearing aid before I can
ask where I've left my glasses."

"They say life begins at forty - but so do lumbago, bad eyesight, arthritis,
and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person."

"We don't want to say he's past Middle Age, but we heard his blood type was
discontinued."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't
matter."

"Middle age is when you buy some of that "Gingko" that's supposed to improve
your memory, but then forget where you put it."

And finally, "Middle age is when you don't feel a day older than you did a
hundred years ago."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to:
mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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**** Reader's Submissions ****

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that the UK had removed the study of the
Holocaust from its curriculum. As I do, when I faced with such accusations, I turned
to my bible--Snopes.com.

Snopes says it is false that UK has removed this study from all its schools. Only one
school up north (I suppose where there are lots of Muslims) has done so.

Of couse, I thnk it is outrageous that even one school has done it. But it is even more
outrageous that Bullshit lies of this sort is circulated among an idiot population always
ready to believe the worse.

My dependence on Snopes is looked at askance by my neo-conservative cousins, who
insist they are all left-wingers. They may appear to be left-wingers in the face of
their having to deal with all these lies from the right wing.


http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/holocaust.asp
LOREITTA



**** TODAYS LINKS ****


Video The Evolution of the Dance
This comedian is really good with the moves!!
 
 The Museum of Musical Instruments
 
Symptom Checker
http://symptoms.webmd.com/symptomchecker

Back Pain and Neck Pain for Spine Patients
http://www.spineuniverse.com/
 
 
 
Game Cube Buster



**** ON THIS DAY ****

Hats off to a tough Russian!!

Just amazing to think of tabby doing the distance and greater of the
Iditarod in worse conditions than what our teams and mushers encounter
on the average!

A Russian family has been reunited with their pet cat after it made a
1,300 mile trek across Siberia to get home.

The two-year-old male cat called Kuzya ran away from the Efremov family
when they took him with them from Olenyok to Yakutsk in eastern Russia
for the summer.

After weeks of searching they finally decided the cat was dead and set
off back to Olenyok at the end of the summer.

But the Regnum news agency reported that three months later the cat
turned up on the doorstep, tired and thin but otherwise healthy.

One of the Efremov family said: "There were bite marks on the cat's tail
and his claws had been worn away to nothing. He is also nervous now
about going outside - and always seems to be looking for a safe hiding
place.

"It's unbelievable that he made it across Siberian woods and hills and
crossed rivers and lakes to get home."



**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing.
Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The golden rule also applies to night drivers: dim
unto others as you would have them dim unto you
.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****




Race 14 of 17

Saturday, August 11

Sparta, Kentucky
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-10-

Delia "Mom" Upchurch "Den Mother of Nashville Stars" born Gainesboro, TN 1891. Mom ran a rooming "home" for Nashville's financially challenged music community at 620 Boscobel Street, for over two decades. The singers, songwriters, and musicians paid what they could afford for their room. No one paid more than ten dollars a week. The lucky ones who got to work the road never missed a call. Mom was the message taker, and coordinated everyone's calendar. Mom died September 1, 1976. Mom and Tootsie Bess, of Tootsie's Orchid Lounge fame, sustained many careers long enough for them to blossom.

Louise Massey, singer/songwriter of "Louise Massey & the Westerners" born Midland, TX 1902.

Leo Fender designed and manufactured the Telecaster and Stratocaster guitars, born 1909.

Ernest Ray "Jim" Carter, "The Chuck Wagon Gang," born Tioga, TX 1910.

Junior Samples (Hee Haw cast) born Buena Park, CA 1926.

Jimmy Martin born Sneedville, TN 1927. Inducted IBMA Hall of Honor 1995.

Jimmy Dean born "Seth Ward," near Plainview TX 1928.

Jerry Crutchfield born Paducah, KY 1934.

Jerry Kennedy, born Shreveport, LA 1940.

Joni Mosby born "Janice Irene Shields" in Van Nuys, CA 1940.

Jimmy Griffin, singer/songwriter/actor, born Cincinnati, OH 1943.

Gene Johnson "Diamond Rio" born Jamestown, NY 1949.

Hank Williams recorded "Half As Much" 1951.

The Browns joined the Grand Ole Opry 1963.

Roy Acuff and the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band recorded "Will The Circle Be Unbroken" 1971.

Dick Foran, singing cowboy/actor/son of a U. S. Senator, died in Panorama City, CA 1979.

Lydia Salnikova of Bering Strait, vocals/keyboards, born in Russia 1980.

Bill Mounce "Sons of the West" died 1984.

Vince Gill joined the Grand Ole Opry 1991.

David Rogers, age 57, died 1993. His recording career produced 37 chart hits between (1968-1984.)

Dixie Chick Martie Seidel married Gareth Maguire in Hawaii in 2001.

The CMA announced that Porter Wagoner and Bill Carlisle would be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame 2002.

Friends and fans celebrated Buck Owens' 75th birthday at his Crystal Palace Steakhouse in Bakersfield, California, 2004.

Faith Hill returned to the stage for the first time in four years, for a four day engagement at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, NV 2004.

-11-

Stan Kesler, songwriter/producer/session musician/engineer, born Abbeville, MS 1928. Kesler wrote five of Elvis Presley's hits, and was a session musician at Sun Studio's in Memphis.

Ronnie Dawson, Ronnie Dee and the D Men, born Waxahachie, TX 1939.

John Conlee, singer/songwriter/DJ/licensed mortician, born Versallies, KY 1946.

Hank William's "Hey Good Lookin" went to #1 1951.

Opry Manager Jim Denny called Hank Williams at home, and fired him from the Grand Ole Opry 1952. Ernest Tubb was in the room when Denny made the call.

Roy Acuff appeared on the cover of Newsweek 1952.

Webb Pierce recorded "More and More" 1954.

Sanford Clark's hit single "The Fool" charted 1956.

Ernest Tubb recorded "Walking The Floor Over You," 1966.

Marty Robbins released "Jolie Girl/The City" 1970.

Priscilla Presley filed for divorce from Elvis 1972.

Johnny Cash appeared on The Muppet Show 1980.

Sasha Ostrovsky of Bering Strait, Dobro/steel guitar, born in Russia 1980.

Bear Family Records released Eddy Arnold's five CD set "Tennessee Plowboy & His Guitar" 1998.

MCA released Vince Gill's "The Key" album 1998.

Tim McGraw's single "Live Like You Were Dying" remained at #1 in 2004.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Suzy Bogguss Plays The Big Apple Next Month


Suzy Boggus heads the the Big Apple for a performance at Joes Pub in New York's Union Square neighborhood on Friday, September 21st.
Multi might be the best adjective to describe talented singer/songwriter Suzy Bogguss. Multi-award-wining, multi-platinum, and as her new CD Sweet Danger so expertly proves, she?s multi-faceted. She co-produced the album with famed jazz/pop keyboardist and producer Jason Miles, who?s worked with Miles Davis, Luther Vandross and Sting. The two brought together Nashville and New York musicians, culling the best of both worlds to create an instantly engaging, groove-oriented record infused with jazz rhythms and Bogguss? signature vocals. This highly anticipated album will be released September 4th on Loyal Dutchess Records.

She says recording the album was one of the most challenging and freeing experiences of her career. ?I love the sweetness of making a snap decision and the danger of living with the consequences. When I went to New York the first time and we started to record I thought, ?Oh my God, what is this music?? I didn?t know what it was. I didn?t know how to control it. But then I just let go, enjoyed the process and followed the music wherever it needed to go. I came home with these tracks that were new and different and that was so exciting. I couldn't wait to get started writing the rest of the album.?

Throughout her career Bogguss has shown a knack for blending songs of substance and depth with mass-market appeal. Songs like ?Aces,? ?Drive South,? ?Someday Soon,? ?Outbound Plane? and "Letting Go" took her to the top of the country music charts. Along the way she won raves from critics and her peers. She won the Country Music Association?s "Horizon Award" in 1992 and "Album of the Year" Award in 1994.

Sweet Danger is a natural evolution from the universally praised album, Swing, which she recorded in 2003 with Ray Benson of Asleep At The Wheel, and Simpatico, her earlier much loved collaboration with Chet Atkins. Still, as the title of the new album implies, she had to risk following her muse into uncharted musical territory in order to find these newest treasures.

With great risk comes great reward, and discerning music lovers are the real winners here. Suzy Bogguss dares to take the road less traveled and that has made all the difference. 


The announcement of the final nominees for the 2007 CMA Awards will be carried live Thursday, Aug. 30


The announcement of the final nominees for the 2007 CMA Awards will be carried live Thursday, Aug. 30, on network and cable television from the "Good Morning America" studios in the heart of New York City's Times Square on the ABC Television Network, and from the Sommet Center in Nashville on a special edition of CMT's "CMT Insider."
"The 41st Annual CMA Awards" will be broadcast live from the Sommet Center in Nashville Wednesday, Nov. 7 (8:00-11:00 PM ET/delayed PT) on ABC.

"Having 'Good Morning America' and 'CMT Insider' broadcast our CMA Awards final nominees live brings a heightened level of excitement to these highly-anticipated announcements," said CMA Chief Operating Officer . "These special broadcasts will allow fans across the nation to experience the same excitement our artists and industry feel as the names are announced for the first time by our hosts. It also demonstrates the enthusiasm of our network partner ABC, and the continued and valued support of "Good Morning America" and CMT."

"CMT is honored to once again partner with ABC and the CMA to announce this year's Awards nominees," said Brian Philips, Executive Vice President and General Manager, CMT. "Going live with this announcement signifies the importance of the CMA Award nominations in the music industry, and we're proud to deliver the news via our signature show, 'CMT Insider'."

The final nominees in select categories will be announced live on national television during "Good Morning America" with Sara Evans from the "Good Morning America" studios located in the heart of New York City's Times Square Thursday, Aug. 30 during the 8:30 AM/ET half-hour of the morning news program.

"I am thrilled to be involved in the upcoming CMA Award announcements," said Evans, "The CMA Awards hold a special place in my heart. The first award I ever received was the CMA Award for the 'Born to Fly' video and it is one of the most memorable times of my career."

Multi-Platinum Evans prepares to release her first Greatest Hits package on Oct. 9. The album is a culmination of her hits spanning her 10-year career, which has spawned three Top 5 singles and four No. 1 songs including "No Place That Far," "Born to Fly," "Suds in the Bucket," "A Real Fine Place to Start," and "I Could Not Ask For More" among others. Evans became a national household name and won the hearts of viewers across the country when she competed in the 2006 fall season of "Dancing with the Stars" on ABC. Currently, Evans is performing at stadium shows on Kenny Chesney's "Flip Flop Summer" tour. Her newest single, "As If," which she co-wrote with Hillary Lindsey and John Shanks, is climbing the Country singles charts.

Broadcasting live from Nashville, CMT's Katie Cook and Lance Smith will present exclusive coverage of the remaining 2007 CMA Awards nominee announcements in a special half-hour edition of "CMT Insider," premiering Thursday, Aug. 30 (10:00 AM/ET; 9:00 AM/CT) on CMT. The special will re-air on CMT immediately following the live broadcast at 10:30 AM/ET; and again at 1:00 PM/ET; and on Friday, Aug. 31 at 8:00 AM/ET and 1:30 PM/ET; and Saturday, Sept. 1 at 10:30 AM/ET. Footage from the nomination special will also be available immediately following the telecast on CMT's broadband channel, CMT Loaded at CMT.com.

Following the announcements on "Good Morning America," CMT will go live with two of the hottest and most innovative acts in Country Music today, boundary-busting Montgomery Gentry and Taylor Swift, as they reveal the remaining CMA Awards nominees. Following the nominations, Cook and Smith will interview nominees and examine the categories and evaluate the finalists.

"This day is always an exciting one for the industry," said Eddie Montgomery. "Every artist and every record label wants to be nominated for one of these prestigious Awards."

"But, more than that, we all want to win one or two" continued partner Troy Gentry with a wry laugh. "We're so glad that CMA, CMT and Premiere asked us to be a part of the nomination celebration and we're looking forward to the big Awards night."

"I'm so thrilled that the CMA asked me to help announce the nominees for the CMA Awards," said Swift. "I'm such a HUGE superfan, so I just can't believe I get to see all the names first!"

Widely considered as one of the most successful duos in Country Music history, Montgomery Gentry burst onto the scene in 1999, quickly becoming a multi-Platinum selling act. Awards and acclaim soon followed including the 2000 CMA Award for Vocal Duo of the Year. Their success grew with chart-topping hits including 11 Top 5 singles, with three reaching No. 1. Their most recent single, "Lucky Man," from their current album Some People Change, remained at the top of the Country singles chart for two weeks. They are currently on tour performing to sold-out crowds across the country. Their latest single, "What Do Ya Think About That" is rising up the Country Music charts.

Less than 10 months after her self-titled debut CD was released, Swift became the best-selling artist in Country Music. With more than 20 million MySpace streams and 350,000 friends, she has established herself as the first bona fide County star of the MySpace generation. She's had two Top 5 singles, a Platinum CD, and 39 weeks after its release, Taylor Swift reached the top of Billboard's Country Albums sales chart. In the past year, Taylor has taken her live show to more than a million fans, thanks to opening tour slots for Rascal Flatts, George Strait, Brad Paisley, Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. As if that weren't enough, she's earned her place in the history books as the only female solo artist in Country Music history to write or co-write all of the songs on a Platinum-selling debut.

In addition to the nominee announcements, Montgomery Gentry and Swift will announce the finalists for the 2007 CMA Broadcast Personality and Radio Station of the Year in four categories (small, medium, large and major markets) as well as the finalists for the CMA National Broadcast Personality of the Year.

The audio announcement of the CMA Awards nominees and Broadcast Awards finalists will be available via StarGuide from CMA's official radio partner Premiere Radio Networks. Premiere has provided outstanding, radio coverage of the CMA Awards nominations for more than a decade.

As part of their comprehensive 2007 CMA Awards radio package, Premiere Radio Networks will offer coverage of the nominee announcements, a preview special, Red Carpet features, a live feed of the Awards gala and a backstage wrap up show. Any Country radio station interested in receiving the radio package, including the nominations feed, may contact Premiere Affiliate Relations at (818) 377-5300.

The announcements will be made at the Sommet Center with Genovese and other guests starting at 9:00 AM/CT. The venue will open at 8:00 AM/CT for invited media and members of the music industry to watch the televised announcements on "Good Morning America."

"The CMA Awards are 'Country Music's Biggest Night' and this is certainly going to be Country Music's biggest morning," Genovese said. "I can't imagine a more exciting way to kick off the CMA Awards season and the excitement leading up to 'The 41st Annual CMA Awards'." 



Forgotten music star makes comeback

By JOHN GEROME, Associated Press Writer
Thu Aug 9, 12:08 PM ET



NEW YORK - Porter Wagoner looks right at home in the marble lobby of Manhattan's Roosevelt Hotel. He wears a dark Western suit and tie and holds a shiny black cane. The glare from the crystal chandelier reflects off his eyeglasses as he tilts his head back, trying to remember the last time he played Madison Square Garden.

Sometime in the '70s ... one of those package tours ... Little Jimmie Dickens and Faron Young were there ... some others he can't recall ...

Back then, "The Thin Man from West Plains" was still the grand showman of country music with his rhinestone suits and pompadour hair. He had a TV show and dozens of hits on his own and with a pretty young blonde named Dolly Parton.

All that faded with time, and so did Wagoner. He checked into a psychiatric hospital for exhaustion, his show went off the air, he was dropped from his record label and dismissed as a relic. Last summer he nearly died.

Except for his standing gig on the Grand Ole Opry, he was mostly forgotten.

Until.

"I was thinking while on stage last night, 'This is the biggest, most well-known arena in the country, and here I am performing at it,'" he says the morning after a show with the White Stripes.

Only a few months ago, Wagoner, who's about to turn 80, would have said he'd done and seen everything in this business, that nothing could surprise him.

Boy, would he have been wrong.

___

The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tenn., is nearly full as the red curtain rises and the band plays a fast, choppy rhythm.

Wagoner comes out in a sparkly blue suit, dark pink shirt and white cowboy boots and sings a sprightly old tune about a moonshiner. His long face is creased, his once-golden hair silvery gray.

"Thank you all. Welcome to the show. It's good to be with you tonight."

The Opry has been Wagoner's weekend routine for as long as many can remember. As host and performer, he's the personification of the long-running country music show, much as Minnie Pearl and Roy Acuff once were.

"He's relaxed, informal, folksy. Porter is country and rightly proud of it," says John Rumble, a historian at the Country Music Hall of Fame, of which Wagoner has been a member since 2002.

Wagoner dreamed of this since he was a farm boy in West Plains, Mo., a small town in the Ozark Mountains.

When he was about 10, his dad cut down a large tree in the backyard and left him a stump for a stage. He'd spend hours up there introducing his Opry "guests" and singing their songs.

He started in radio then became a regular on the "Ozark Jubilee," one of the first televised national country music shows.

Television was still young, but Wagoner saw potential others didn't.

"Everyone I talked to about television, people in the music business, told me, 'You better not be doing television on a regular basis or people won't come to see you. Why buy a ticket if they can see you on television?' Well, that was a myth. It wasn't true."

The budding star lit out for Nashville and the Grand Ole Opry in the mid-'50s where he joined Acuff, Pearl, Bill Monroe and all the others he'd idolized.

He'd finally arrived, he thought. And yet his biggest break was still a few years off.

___

"Me and my sidekick here ? she just kicked me in the side," a sideburned Wagoner cracks to the camera.

"Not yet, but I think I will after this," she shoots back.

"If you ever hit me and I find out, Dolly Parton, you'll be in trouble."

"Would you 'Run That by Me One More Time,'" she giggles as they begin one of their many duets.

"The Porter Wagoner Show" aired from 1960 until 1981, reaching more than 100 markets and 3.5 million viewers. The format was loose and down-home, blending comedy and music from Wagoner's dapper band, the Wagonmasters, and a variety of guests.

"Porter carries on the tradition of people like Roy Acuff, who came out of that vaudeville past. What they preached was that you wanted them laughing one minute and crying the next ? a complete span of emotion," says Steve Buchanan, vice president for media and entertainment at Gaylord Entertainment, owner of the Grand Ole Opry.

Parton, all baby-faced and bouffant-haired, wasn't Wagoner's first or only female singing partner, but she certainly became his most famous. She joined the show in 1967, replacing the popular Norma Jean.

As Wagoner recalls, her debut was a disaster.

"The first couple of days were pretty tough for her because she didn't know how to talk to people. She talked so fast and was real nervous on stage. She was afraid they wouldn't like her, and they didn't like her at first because they didn't know her."

To ease the transition, he'd have her sing duets with him. They were witty and sassy together and had a run of hits.

But they clashed over the music and the show, and in 1974 Parton left. The split was messy with Wagoner suing over contractual issues and the two settling out of court in 1980.

Today, Wagoner says they were always on good terms.

"Dolly and I never had a problem, and we don't today. But it's a fact that when you're involved with attorneys and companies that have them on retainer, it makes a different story."

There were other issues off-camera. He was separated from his second wife (his first marriage, when he was just 16, was annulled after less than a year). He was doing 200 concerts a year besides television and records. He was exhausted.

In 1966 his doctor admitted him to Parkview, a former Nashville psychiatric hospital. His friend Johnny Cash later wrote a song called "Committed to Parkview" that was pitched to Wagoner in a roundabout way.

"I was just wore out," Wagoner says. "My doctor said the thing you must do is check yourself in somewhere where you can get rest. So he checked me in at Parkview and I think I stayed eight or 10 weeks. I don't know how many. But when I came out I was well."

Fittingly, a lot of Wagoner's songs, many of which he wrote or co-wrote, have a dark quality. In "The Cold Hard Facts of Life" a husband catches his cheating wife with her lover and kills them with a knife. In the "Carroll County Accident," the narrator discovers that the married man killed in a crash was in the car because he was having an affair. "Skid Row Joe" deals with a once-famous singer who's lost everything and wound up a drunk.

The strangest, though, is "The Rubber Room," a quirky piece of music from the early '70s about a man who went insane.

"Lyrically, he's right in that realistic country music groove that taps back into folk tradition all the way back to the Elizabethan ballads that did not mince words in describing highwaymen and murder and rapes and everything else," Rumble says.

Wagoner chuckles at the thought of being a twangy Vincent Price. Even today, he says, audiences sometimes applaud when the knife comes out in "The Cold Hard Facts of Life."

Sitting in his living room, he begins a spooky recitation from a song he wrote called "Divers Are Out Tonight" about a man looking out the window of his prison cell: "As I sat here looking through the window, the moon is shining like day, I can see clear across the Big Sandy River, a quarter of a mile each way."

He goes on about seeing divers in the river and watching them uncover a money box stolen from the bank. Then he begins to sing in a low voice, "So I think I'll call for the warden, maybe the guard just outside. Tell them the money that they think I stole, is being recovered tonight. Oh, but they won't believe me either, not a jury man thought I was right. When I told them I didn't steal the money, now the divers they found it tonight. Oh, but I won't receive my freedom, I can hear 'em talking below. The divers dividing the money, and I've got five long years to go."

___

His home is modest by celebrity standards, a brick ranch on a winding two-lane road maybe five minutes from the Grand Ole Opry House. The only tip-off to its owner is an iron gate with an intercom at the drive. Inside, Wagoner wears a brown button shirt and khaki pants as he sinks into a cloth chair.

"I stopped making records because I didn't like the way they were wanting me to record," he sighs. "When RCA dropped me from the label, I didn't really care about making records for another label because I didn't have any say in what they would release and how they would make the records and so forth."

That was 1981, after he had been with RCA almost 30 years. Except for the Grand Ole Opry and some work on the now defunct Nashville Network, his career dried up like an old corn stalk.

"All I wanted to do really is work the Opry. I kind of lost the will to ... the business was changing and I didn't want to change my style of music and stuff."

His slow comeback began in 2004 with a series of gospel records. Soon, he and Marty Stuart, a fellow Opry member with an appreciation for country's past, were plotting an album that would recreate the sound and feel of Wagoner's vintage recordings.

Stuart, 49, a former child prodigy who's worked with Cash and many others, would produce it. But as they prepared to start last summer, Wagoner suffered a near-fatal abdominal aneurysm.

"Our thinking was that if I live through the aneurysm and get well, we'll do the album as soon as I'm ready to do it. So when I first started getting well from that surgery and everything, Marty and I started talking on the telephone to each other. He said, 'As soon as you feel like singing, let me know and we'll start out working a half hour a day. And when you get tired, tell me and we'll stop right there.'"

They ended up recording the 17 tracks in just three days. Stuart went so far as to have the musicians watch tapes of "The Porter Wagoner Show" to learn the nuances of the music and the era.

He shopped the album around Nashville but got nowhere. Music Row wasn't interested in a 79-year-old singer.

"I talked to just about everybody in this town. There was always a good reason why not to do it," Stuart says. "I kind of expected that before I went downtown, but I wanted to try downtown first because it's home."

They signed with ANTI- records, an eclectic Los Angeles label best known for alt-rock acts like Tom Waits, Nick Cave and Neko Case.

Released in June, "Wagonmaster" accomplishes what they set out to do. Unlike Cash's late-career masterworks, there are no superstar guests or indie rock covers, just lots of fiddle and steel guitar backing Wagoner's grainy baritone.

The songs ? nine of which Wagoner wrote or co-wrote ? are homespun tales rich in characters and imagery. "Albert Erving" is about a lonely recluse who keeps a wooden picture of a woman he carved from his imagination. Cash's "Committed to Parkview" tells of the sad inhabitants of the institution, one of whom stares at the floor and thinks he's Hank Williams. "My Many Hurried Southern Trips" finds a bus driver observing the troubled souls aboard his bus.

Hailed as an unvarnished slice of Southern Gothic, the album brought Wagoner some of the best reviews of his career. A pair of well-received club shows in New York and Los Angeles bore them out. A new crop of fans in their '20s and 30s were discovering him.

Then came the kicker: An invitation from one of the biggest acts in the country, the White Stripes, to open their sold-out show at Madison Square Garden.

On the eve of his 80th birthday, Porter Wagoner was suddenly and improbably hip again.

___

It's easy to be awed by this place. Joe Frazier beat Muhammad Ali here. Presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton received their nominations here. Pope John Paul visited.

None of this is lost on Wagoner, who takes the stage in blue rhinestones.

"This is one of the tremendous thrills of my career to be here tonight in Madison Square Garden. God bless you," he says.

Backed by Stuart and his band, the Fabulous Superlatives, he performs seven songs. The crowd is still arriving as he plays, but even the most pierced and tattooed of the bunch seem curious.

His voice grows stronger with the first rain of applause, and when he gets to one of his biggest hits, "Green, Green Grass of Home," a good bit of the audience is singing along.

When he's finished, he walks gingerly across the stage while the band plays a bouncy outro. A stagehand helps him off, and in a moment, he's gone.

The next morning, in the elegant Roosevelt Hotel lobby, he's still taking it all in.

"The young people I met backstage, some of them were 20 years old. They wanted to get my autograph and tell me they really liked me. If only they knew how that made me feel, like a new breath of fresh air. To have new fans now is a tremendous thing."

Tears well in his eyes and one streams down his gaunt cheek. And just then one has to wonder whether "The Thin Man from West Plains" finally has seen everything.

 

CRACKER BARREL & MERLE HAGGARD PROVE TO BE SUCCESSFUL DUO


Nashville, TN ? Since releasing "Working Man's Journey" exclusively through Cracker Barrel Old Country Store on May 29th, 2007, Merle Haggard has proven that a few years under his belt has only affected his voice for the better.
The Philadelphia Inquirer says of the album and Merle, "Haggard the balladeer is in full flower on 'Kern River' and 'Are the Good Times Really Over' but he also gives some of his most animated performances in years, honky-tonking it up on 'Shade-Tree Fix-It Man' and 'Rainbow Stew.'"

Country Standard Time says of the album, "the disc is seamless with no real difference between old and new." Country Weekly says "a surprisingly cohesive gathering of thematically linked songs by the Poet of the 'Common Man,' Merle Haggard."

With six new songs and six classics, which have been newly recorded, Merle stays true to his roots in the release of his new album. His distinct voice and theme throughout the album hold true to what we all love in Merle's music. According to Merle, "I think its common subject matter that people of our nature understand. There's nothing complicated about it. It's just plain old music about simple subjects."

Don Chance from Time Record News writes, "It's something of a miracle collection." In Merle's forty year career, he has released many albums and written numerous songs. Looking back Merle says, "Out of the last twelve-fifteen years, I have made several albums, and there are always songs in there that don't fit the concept that you're working on. It just gets left behind, but these songs all seem to work together."

Merle's new hits on the album are definitely songs that will become instant classics. With songs like "C'Mon Sixty-Five" and "In The Mountains To Forget," it is easy to see that this album is something most people can easily relate to.

Merle Haggard's "Working Man's Journey" is available only in Cracker Barrel stores or online at www.crackerbarrel.com

Taylor Swift, Kenny Chesney lead Billboard country charts

Thursday, August 9, 2007 ? Kenny Chesney's "Never Wanted Nothing More" stayed number 1 on the Billboard country song charts for the week ending Aug. 18. On the album chart, Taylor Swift's self-titled debut stayed there as well for the third straight week.

Swift was second on the song chart, up one, with "Teardrops On My Guitar." Rodney Atkins also climbed one spot with "These Are My People." Keith Urban's "I Told You So" dropped from second to fourth. Reba McEntire's duet with Kelly Clarkson, "Because of You," was up one to fifth.

The big news on the song chart was the debut of Carrie Underwood's new single "So Small," which was in 20th. The song will be on her album out in October.

Brooks & Dunn's "Proud Of The House We Built" made it into the top 10 - at 10- up 2 places. There was very little movement in the rest of the chart with Brad Paisley's "Online," up 4 to 16th.

On the album chart, Paisley's "5th Gear" was again second. Tim McGraw's "Let It Go" was up three to third. Carrie Underwood's "Some Hearts" and Toby Keith's "Big Dog Daddy" stayed fourth and fifth.

On the overall top 200, Swift was 13th, Paisley 22nd, McGraw 25th, Underwood 32nd and Keith 36th.



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Bread Pudding.

Make this easy, decadent recipe the day before, and chill; then bake
and serve hot. Blueberry bread pudding

1 (16-ounce) French bread loaf, cubed
1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, cut into pieces
3 cups fresh blueberries, divided
6 large eggs
4 cups milk
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted
1/4 cup maple syrup
1 (10-ounce) jar blueberry preserves
Garnishes: fresh mint leaves, edible pansies

Arrange half of bread cubes in a lightly greased 13- x 9-inch pan.
Sprinkle evenly with cream cheese and 1 cup blueberries; top with
remaining bread cubes. Whisk together eggs, 4 cups milk, sugar,
butter, and maple syrup; pour over bread mixture, pressing bread
cubes to absorb egg mixture. Cover and chill 8 hours



**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why do we use the term "step" to refer to families created by remarriage?

The prefix "step" to indicate a separation of kinship is a Teutonic
term at least 1,000 years old. It was originally used to refer to
someone who was orphaned, meaning that either parent had died.

Over time, the term evolved and came to refer to "one who becomes
father (mother) to an orphan" or to "an orphan who becomes a son (daughter)
by the marriage of the surviving parent."

One of the links offered this detailed explanation:

"The prefix step- used in this sense is Middle English, derived from Old English
"steop-." The Old English form is cognate with similar forms in many of the Germanic
languages...The Old English form comes from steopcild ("stepchild"), which meant
"orphan." The "steop-" prefix comes from Old English astiepan/bestiepan "bereave"
(with cognates in Old High German "arstiufen/bestiufen"). The sense is that an orphan
is bereaving his lost parent(s)."

The prefix has since evolved to apply to any remarriage, not just one resulting from
the death of a spouse.






****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
A man owes it to himself to become successful
after that he owes it to the Bureau of Internal Revenue.


LAST CALL Y'ALL

Already the mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled
when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He
told his wife that she should start thinking of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph
and Rudolph.

       How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"



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